Cookies and Lollipops
by youdude
Summary: An unsub hits JJ and Emily with something...now they're small children. How will the team deal with two little kids running around the BAU? Won a CM Profiler's Choice Fanfic Award for Best Humour and Best Emily/JJ.
1. Chapter 1

Hotch brought the device attached to his shirt closer to his mouth and said, "Status?"

Immediately, replies poured in.

"Morgan. I'm with Reid and a few of the SWAT guys; we're at the front door."

"Prentiss. JJ and I are covering the back."

"Good," Hotch replied. "No sign of Miller yet. This is a huge house; I'm not kidding when I say you could get lost. I want everyone to stay together, and do not split up under any circumstance. On my command, we enter. Clear?"

"Crystal."

"Understood."

Hotchh looked around carefully from his post in the garage, where two members of the SWAT team were waiting patiently for his command. They were at the house of Martin Miller, a reclusive genius who had been killing teenagers all over Duffield, a small town in the south of Virgina, with a mixture of everyday chemicals. His intelligence was equal, if not greater, than Reid's- at least where science and math were concerned. According to Miller's high school teacher, he had failed all other subjects.

Miller had been hard to track down because he'd covered his tracks so well. All that had changed when he'd abducted a young girl on impulse- from what they could understand, the sixteen year old girl resembled his dead daughter. She was the reason for all the murders; Miller felt that if he couldn't enjoy the company of his child, no other parent should be able to either.

The case had been long and tiring, and the team had, for once, been given a break, starting in two days. Well, sort of. They still had to come in to work- give opinions on criminals, give lectures, do paperwork and such- but Strauss had guaranteed them no cases for two weeks. Frankly, it was a blessing that she gave them even that.

"Morgan, " Hotch said in a low voice, knowing the agent's passion for drama. "There is no evidence to suggest that he is in any way armed and the profile says he won't hurt the girl, so I don't want any unnecessary shooting. Get in, get the girl, get Miller, get out."

"That's a lotta 'get's".

"Morgan!" came Reid's voice over the speakers. "We understand, Hotch."

"Okay. Everybody, in!" Hotch ordered as he and the other two men, Cane and Hammil, moved forward. He motioned to them to back up, and knocked down the garage door, gun at the ready. He could hear Morgan doing the same.

They filed into the house, checking each room. Shouts of 'Clear!" came from around the mansion. It took them almost two minutes to check every room; there were so many that Hotch was sure a child could easily get lost in the winding hallways.

"Downstairs is clear," came Reid's voice just as they entered the kitchen.

"Upstairs then." He, Cane and Hammil looked around, each trying to remember if they'd seen the stairs.

"I think it's this way." Hammil gestured to one of the four doors exiting the kitchen. Hotch nodded, and they made their way through the house. Eventually, Hotch realized that they had no idea where to go, and spoke into his device grudgingly.

"Where are the stairs?"

He could hear the laughter in Morgan's voice as he answered, "They're tucked into the corner near where JJ and Prentiss entered. We're heading up now."

Prentiss' voice floated over the speakers, slightly crackly: "We're upstairs already. We've checked the first few rooms."

The three men made their way over to the back side of the house, grinning ruefully when they realized that they'd passed the stairs at least twice, but hadn't noticed the little wodden steps which seemed to be made specifically to be hard to find.

As they climbed up in single file, Hotch could hear rustling upstairs. Suddenly, a shout broke through the silence. Dread filled him.

"I need your status," he said urgently into the microphone.

"He's here; we 're chasing after him," JJ replied breathlessly. "Seems to be unarmed. When you reach the top of the stairs, just keep going straight," she added before any of them could ask.

"We're coming," Morgan's voice announced. "We just need to bactrack a bit."

As they reached the top of the stairs, Hotch could see the necessity of JJ's directions- there were doors and corridors twisting every which way. He ran straight, closely followed by Cane and Hammil.

Suddenly, three gunshots rang out through the house, sounding unbelievably loud in the quiet night.

_Silence._

Rapid footsteps.

Yelling and thumping.

Reid on the speaker, shouting at him to come. Shouting that they had Miller and they had the girl, but he had to come quick.

_They have everyone?_ Hotch thought as his run quickened. _Then what's wrong? _His blood ran cold as he remembered the gunshots.

"Who was shot?" he asked as he neared the only open door at the end of a long corridor. "Reid! _Who was shot?_"

Reid didn't have time to answer because he was in the room- it was more of a hall than a room, really. There was furniture everywhere: tables, desks, chairs, sofas. Hotch looked around in disbelief, observing the chaos. Morgan had Miller cuffed and pinned to the wall, and was cursing at him. Blood was dripping from Miller's shoulder. Reid was examining one of the many test tubes on a table in the centre of the room. Looking closer, Hotch saw that the room was, in fact a lab.

One of the SWAT team, Marks, was reassuring the rescued girl, who seemed unharmed. The other, Andrew, was holding a gun an arm's length away from him, and was staring at it as if he was slightly afraid of it. Andrew and Morgan were in the middle of a heated debate with Miller, which involved lots of swearing and screaming.

Hotch closed his eyes. "SILENCE!" Everybody in the room stopped moving as if frozen in time. "Now," he started calmly, "I want Marks to escort Rebecca Jones to the police station, where she can meet her parents. Cane and Hammil, take Miller too, but in a separate car. And you," he turned his steely gaze to his agents as the four SWAT members did as they were told, "will explain to me what the hell was going on in here when I walked in, and also why I heard three gunshots, and yet only one person seems to be shot."

_Silence. _

"Well?" Hotch demanded. "And where are JJ and Prentiss?"

_Silence. _Reid and Morgan looked at each other, unsure how to start.

"I would like an answer, please." Hotch tapped his foot impatiently, feeling astonishingly like he did when he was trying to get an answer out of Jack.

He noticed their gazes drifting to a big table, and he lifted an eyebrow as if to say 'There?' Morgan nodded. Hotch walked over to the table and bent down, gun at the ready. What he saw left him speechless. Two children stood behind the table, drowning in clothes and blushing furiously.

"What the...?"

"He shot them. Darts, I think," Morgan said.

Hotch gently pulled them forward, his trained eyes searching for any injuries. "Who are you? Are you hurt? Did Miller keep you here?"

"It's just us, Hotch," one of the girls said quietly, shaking him off.

"Prentiss?" he asked in disbelief, grabbing both of them by their arms and pulling them into the centre of the room so he could see them better.

"Yeah. And JJ." Emily was holding her cargo pants up to her chest to stop them from falling, nearly tripping over them every time she tried to move. JJ, it seemed, had given up on keeping her pants up, and was simply standing there in her long white shirt, which looked more like a dress, given that it almost reached her knees. Neither girl was wearing shoes; Hotch spotted their boots lying in a heap with JJ's pants.

"What happened?"

Emily shrugged. "I don't know. We ran after him, and chased him into this room. He was holding a dart gun, and he had the girl as a shield in front of him; we couldn't get a clear shot. He shot me first, from over Rebecca's shoulder. Then he shot JJ, or she shot him... I don't know. Both guns seemed to go off at the same time."

Hotch raised an eyebrow at JJ, who nodded. "He raised his gun to shoot us, exposing his shoulder, so I took my chance. He shot us both within milliseconds of each other, and I don't know if I shot him first or he shot me first. Emily definitely went down first though."

Hotch opened his mouth to speak. "Okay...but at this moment in time I'm understandably far more interested in _what the hell _he did!"His voice rose at the end.

Morgan cut in, feeling sorry for the girls. "Apparently he shot them with some form of anti-ageing cream or something like that...Reid, take over?"

"Yes, he inserted amounts of a...de-ager, if you like, into darts, which he shot. It's interesting- none of the darts have the same amount of liquid in them; it's obvious these were being used to test what certain amounts of liquid did. I wonder, is it possible to turn an adult into a fetus, or even a-"

"Reid..."

Reid held up the test tube in his hand. "This. He shot them with this."

Morgan went over to look at it. "You sure?"

"It's labelled. See? 'De-ager'."

"Thank God he's organized bordering on OCD."

Hotch closed his eyes. "Reid, is there a cure?" he almost begged.

"I found three bottles marked with 'De-aging cure': versions 1, 2 and 3. I'd guess it's the third one. You know, it really is astounding how he managed to convert a simple ant-ageing formula, designed to keep the face at the age the user is, into a _de-ageing_ liquid. It would have taken years, maybe even decades for him to achieve the fluid consistency needed to balance the mono-"

"That's enough." Hotch massaged his head, closing his eyes for a brief second. When he opened them again, he'd made his decision. "Hospital. Now. Bring the bottles labelled 'cure'. All of them."

He strode over to the girls, and, despite her furious protests, picked up JJ and started to carry her out of the room. Emily smirked.

"Morgan, get Emily," Hotch called over his shoulder. "Emily, no arguments," he added, as she opened her mouth to protest. "Reid, anything you think might be important." To the wiggling girl in his arms: "I'm carrying you to the car whether you like it or not, so stop squirming if you know what's good for you," he said, tapping her back firmly.

JJ scowled but stopped moving.

"That's better."

In the SUV, Hotch put JJ in the back seat and swiftly buckled her in, ignoring her complaints of 'I can do it myself!". Morgan, not stupid enough to try that with Emily, simply put her down on the seat and then climbed into the driver's seat.

"Okay, I'm going to St. Peter's downtown. Any protests?" Morgan asked, starting the engine.

"Yes," JJ immediately piped up.

"Other than JJ?"

"Morgan!"

"Alright, but I know what you're going to say."

"No you don't!"

"So your protest has nothing to do with Hotch doing your seatbelt up?"

"Not really..." JJ said defensively, but it was apparent from her tone that it most definitely _did_ have something to do with that.

"Enough, you two," Hotch said. "Morgan, drive fast. We don't know if there are any harmful effects of this."

Twenty minutes later, they screeched into the hospital parking lot. The nurses, already familiar with the FBI agents from cases there before, took the girls to a room to get tests done. Reid silently handed the doctor the test tubes and bottles he'd brought.

After that, all they did was wait.

Hotch made a call to Garcia and Rossi to let them know what was going on.

They waited some more.

Garcia called five times, demanding to know what the doctor said. Reid told her the doctor hadn't come yet.

They waited.

Almost five hours later, a doctor finally showed up to the waiting room.

"Jennifer Jareau and Emily Prentiss?"

"Yeah, that's us!" Morgan practically ran to the doctor, quickly followed by Hotch and Reid.

The doctor, a stout, middle-aged man, motioned to them to follow him. "Ben Daniels. I'd like to take this somewhere more private."

They followed him to his office, where he shut the door behind him slowly. "Take a seat, please." He waited until they were all seated on hard plastic chairs. "Well, Agent Hotcher, good to see you again. What's it been, three months?"

Hotch nodded.

The doctor sighed. "Now. Down to business. I can't say I've seen anything like this before."

"We brought a cure...?"

"We'll need to run extensive tests on all three bottles before we can give it to your agents. If it's the wrong substance, it could quite easily kill them. I'm sure you understand."

"Yes, of course. How long will that take?"

"Depends. If we need to send it to another hospital, up to three weeks. Otherwise, one to two weeks."

"Three weeks?" Hotch exchanged looks with Morgan. "What are we supposed to do with them for _three weeks?_"

The doctor's eyes met his, and Hotch was surprised to see that he was amused. "It could be only a week, Agent Hotchner. Now, I need to talk to you about their...mental health, if you will."

"He's damaged their brains?"Morgan was furious. "When I get my hands on that son of a bitch he won't know what-"

"Morgan!"

The doctor shook his head. "No, Agent...Morgan, was it? They just have some...issues. You see, as I'm sure you've noticed, they hold all their adult memories, as well as their adult knowledge. However, after extensive testing with the hospital's psychologists, we've concluded that they have the emotions, fears, needs, motor skills, taste buds and attention spans of a child their respective ages."

"Which are?"

"Although they look three and six, Agent Jareau is physically almost five, and Agent Prentiss is seven. Now-"

"What do you mean?" Hotch cut in. "How can they look a certain age, and yet physically be a different age?"

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," Dr. Ben replied. "They're simply small for their age. By physically, I meant their bone and organ development as well as their teeth. Agent Prentiss is missing a tooth, as I'm sure you've noticed."

Morgan looked up. "Wait, four and seven? What, did JJ get hit with more or something?"

"Actually, Agent Jareau received a little less than Agent Prentiss."

"JJ's younger," Hotch explained quietly.

"Yes." The doctor agreed. "Now, what I wanted to talk to you about was what I mentioned earlier. Their emotions, attention span, needs, senses, and critically, their logic, are that of a child; however their knowledge is that of an adult."

"Which means...?"

"They won't like coffee or vegetables, for one thing." The doctor chuckled. "As for the rest...Let me give you an example. Say, you give one of them a lollipop, or tell them that you're taking them to the beach. Agent Hotchner, you have a child who is seven, I believe. Tell me, how would your son react?"

"He would...either run around the house screaming or hug me."

"And your agents would _want _to do these things, but they wouldn't, because they have the knowledge that says it is inappropriate for a federal agent to run around the bureau screaming. However, as they have the logic of a child, they won't be able to figure out _why_. They'll just know they can't."

"And that's a problem?" Hotch asked.

The doctor nodded. "Children are prone to extreme emotions. Your agents, as adults, are not used to that. They will try to hide or bottle up these emotions, especially feelings like anger, sadness, hurt and others which show vulnerability. Eventually, as the days go on, their adult mind will get used to the emotions and won't think them strange. So after a few days, your agents will be acting like completely normal children, except that they will be unbelievably intelligent."

"So we treat them like kids?" Morgan asked.

"To a certain extent, yes. However, you do have to remember that they _are_ adults and they will not appreciate being treated like babies. Agent Jareau, for one, would not stop telling me about a seat belt...I didn't quite catch what she was saying, but it seemed to have something to do with you, Agent Hotchner?"

Hotch nodded. "This doesn't make sense to me. Why would they want to hide their feelings?"

"Because, agent, they have no control over them. Imagine you, with your mind, were put into the body of a child and suddenly when anyone said anything to you, you immediately felt strong feelings, whether they be positive or negative. Another example: you tell the girls that you'll buy them a cookie, and you forget. You tell them that. As adults, they'd understand. As children, they know, thanks to their adult knowledge, that what they're feeling is irrational, yet they can't help but feel angry or hurt _because of their child logic_ which doesn't explain _why_ the feeling is irrational."

The doctor paused. "To put it simply, they'll know that they shouldn't feel what they're feeling, but they won't understand why, so they can't make that feeling go away. Eventually, their child logic will win over, and in a day or so they'll ignore the adult part of the brain that says 'It's irrational to feel this way! He forgot! It was a mistake!"

"What?" Morgan was startled. "They won't listen to their...adult knowledge?" Dr. Ben nodded. "Why not?"

"Because, agent," the doctor explained patiently, "it would be like me telling you to accept that the moon is made of cheese. I'm presenting it to you as fact. Do you believe it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because simple logic would tell you that it's not..." he paused. "Oh. Point taken."

"So they could throw tantrums?" Hotch asked.

"Possibly."

Hotch paled. "Oh, no."

Ben Daniels chuckled. "And what about you, young man?" he addressed Reid. "Do you understand?"

"Yes- it actually makes perfect sense. You mentioned fear earlier?"

"Ah. Yes." Dr. Ben looked grave. "That may be a slight problem. You see, any fear that they had as an adult- of, say, a certain serial killer will be a hundred times worse."

"Why is that?" Reid asked, eagerly leaning forward. Hotch got the impression that he was enjoying learning about the human brain through JJ and Emily's misfortune.

The doctor replied, "They will, as I said before, have their memories, so they will know and remember each and every killer you have come across. They will remember the victims, the murders, the crime scenes, any traumatic experiences...everything. All of these memories, in a child's brain. I certainly wouldn't want to be them. That is something else that you have to make sure they don't try to hide from you- when they get scared. Also, they will have regained any childhood fears, like a fear of big slides at the park."

"Okay." Hotch ran a hand through his hair. "Slides. That I can handle."

"Can we just go home now?" Morgan begged.

"Of course," the doctor smiled. "Let me just get the girls for you. Don't obviously treat them like kids. And also, they'll be untactful, blurt things out...don't get mad at them."

He returned moments later with JJ and Emily in tow, both of their clothes rearranged, courtesy of a kind nurse. They were both only wearing their shirts, and they each had a man's belt around their waist, making them look like they were in dresses or tunics.

"Good work," they heard Dr. Ben tell the nurses. He passed JJ and Emily some sheets to sign, which they did, albeit shakily. Once all the paperwork was finished, they started to leave. Morgan and Reid both looked a little unsure of what to say, so were silent.

As they were leaving, Hotch saw Dr. Ben slip a lollipop into each of the girls' hands. They both pretended they didn't care, but Hotch smirked as he saw JJ quickly unwrap and pop the lolly into her mouth. Prentiss looked longingly at hers, but refused to give in, and stoically followed Morgan to the car.

Hotch shook his head, staring at them both. _We have our work cut out for us, _he thought grimly.

**A/N: Now, this story is mostly fluff! No casefic. Haha I forgot all about Rossi so I had to slip him in there. **

**To clarify: Set post-Gideon. I don't like Rossi, so I might change it to post-Gideon pre-Rossi. Vote on that in your reviews. **

**Haley's dead either way. Pairings: For obvious reasons this won't be focused on romance, but once they're back to normal, would you like Hotch/JJ, Morgan/Prentiss, or Hotch/Prentiss, Morgan/JJ, or maybe something else? Vote on that too. I don't like Rossi, so I'm not writing any romance about him. **

**And, if you've read 'The Art of Profiling', which is also one chapter long, which story do you want me to focus on? Vote on that too. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **

**Thank you to all the reviewers! I was over the moon that Ms. Stery, whose fics I love and who is an awesome author, reviewed! If you haven't read her stories 'Twenty Five' and 'Just Try', then read them. And o25bpk, you read my mind! =)**

**I forgot a disclaimer in the earlier chapter, so here's two to make up for it: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters. I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**

**Some readers managed to convince me, so okay, I'm kind of half on the Rossi's-great-I-like-him wagon. Kind of. **

They filed into the car silently, each lost in their own thoughts.

JJ wondered if she had made them think she was a baby by accepting the lolly, but after about three seconds, she abandoned those thoughts and focused on enjoying the ball of sugary goodness. Presently, she was extremely busy, trying not to get her fingers sticky.

Emily was fingering the belt around her waist, fuming because she didn't get the window seat.

Morgan had his head in his hands. He was imagining himself in the Bahamas.

Reid was running through statistics in his head: what percentage of kids stopped taking naps at what age, what percentage of kids liked vegetables, and so on. It hadn't occurred to him that the girls would have to live with one of the team members.

Of course, it _had _occurred to Hotch. He was thinking of how much trouble Jack was, and wondering how to sedate the girls without arousing any suspicions.

"Okay, this is bull," Morgan said suddenly. "We can't just avoid the topic forever. When we get on the plane, we decide who they stay with. I vote Rossi."

"Nonononononono!" JJ said, her eyes wide.

"Yes, baby girl- and I mean that literally now- you have to stay with someone."

"Nonononononono!"

"We can take care of ourselves," Emily said, trying to keep her voice calm. Really, all she wanted to do was what JJ was doing- hands over her ears, singing 'No no no no no no!'

"No, you can't. You're too short, and we're not letting two little kids carry guns. What if something happens? You need us to protect you," Morgan said.

Both girls scowled. "We can take care of ourselves!" Emily repeated, closer to a shout this time.

"You're just a child; you can't!"

"Can too!" Emily argued. Unintentionally making Morgan's point for him, Hotch thought.

"Can not!" And Morgan spoils it.

"Excuse me," Hotch interjected through the chorus of 'No's and the 'Can not! Can too!' argument that was steadily rising in volume. "I believe _I _am the team leader and unit chief, so it is up to me whether or not I allow my agents to carry a gun."

"Yeah, you tell him Hotch!" Prentiss cheered.

"No no no no no no no, no no no, no no no..." JJ sang to the tune of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'.

Hotch massaged his temple. "No guns. Not until you're returned to yourselves. And Morgan is right- we will have to make suitable living arrangements for you."

"No no no no no no no, no no no no no no..."

"I vote Hotch," Morgan said immediately. "He has a kid."

JJ had moved on to 'Old McDonald Had a Farm'. "No no no no no no no..."

"We will webcam with Rossi and Garcia and decide," Hotch replied through gritted teeth.

"No no no no no no no, EE-I-EE-I-O!"

"Jennifer Jareau," Hotch said, turning around from the wheel to look at her, "if you don't be quiet this instant, I..." He searched desperately for a threat. JJ waited patiently. "I'll do something," he finished unimpressively.

JJ studied him pensively for a few seconds. "You know, you should really look at the road when you drive. It's a rule."

"Aww..." Morgan cooed, "Isn't that just precious? A unit chief from the FBI is being taught driving laws by a liddle girl."

"Get. Out. Of the car. All of you. _Now._"

JJ looked out to see that they'd arrived at the jet. She climbed out, running to be the first one through the doors. Morgan caught up to her and held her back, his protective instincts taking over.

"Whoa there, little girl. Don't run or you'll trip."

"Don't care." She struggled to get out of his arms, which, of course, only made him hold on tighter.

"I meant, the pilot won't let you on the plane," he amended.

She shook her head. "Don't try that on me. I still have my knowledge, remember?" She tapped her head.

_But you got the logic of a four year old, _Morgan thought. "Of course I remember. But they made a new law while you were at the hospital. It was in the papers." Seeing her look sceptical, he added, "Really. It makes sense, right? Pilots don't want people with scraped knees pouring blood on their nice clean floors. So they made that rule that you can't run."

"But I ran. Will they let me on?"

"I'll talk to them for you. Now come on, they're all waiting for us." Saying this, he took her hand and led her to the plane. _Score one for Morgan!_ He thought triumphantly.

His victorious mood dissipated rapidly as he saw JJ's face darken when they entered the jet.

Emily was sitting in a window seat, opposite Reid. Hotch was sitting across the aisle from them. JJ walked up to Emily and tapped her shoulder.

"Move, Emily. That's my seat."

"No it's not."

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"IS TOO!"

By now, all three men were starting to get headaches.

Hotch motioned to Morgan to come over. "I had a thought..." he whispered, "Sedatives. 24/7 for the next three weeks."

Morgan grinned at the possibility.

Meanwhile, the fight had evolved from 'Is not!/Is too!' to 'Gimme-that-seat-or-I'll-punch-you!'

JJ was, Hotch could see, making empty threats. Emily, however, didn't see it like that, and decided to take matters into her own fists. She thumped JJ's arm and pushed her off the seat.

"Reid!" JJ cried, "Emily hit me!"

"Girls, behave, or I will ground you both," Reid said, not looking up from his book. He felt the stares and shrugged, finally tearing his attention away from the novel. "What? I always wanted to say that after JJ did."

Morgan stood up. "JJ, it's only a 350 mile journey. And there are plenty of other window seats."

"But I want this one! This one's _my _seat! And she knows it! Ask her!"

"Is that true, Emily?"

"No."

Morgan sighed. "Pipe down, you two. I mean it."

Emily smirked. "Or what? You'll spank us?"

Without missing a beat, he replied, "Yes. And you know I will, so you better shut those little chatterboxes and sleep." He grinned as she gulped.

"Score two for Morgan," he announced proudly as he slid into a seat across from Hotch. Truth be told, he was surprised that the single father hadn't stepped in to help.

_Oh no..._He thought as something clicked. _Hotch hadn't...He wouldn't..._

"This is exactly why _you _should have them. You're good with them," Hotch said as he called Garcia on the laptop.

"What? No! That's not fair, I-"

"What's not fair?" Garcia's voice came across the speakers. "And how are Em and JJ? You never called me back."

The team gathered around the laptop, causing Garcia to do a very theatrical and exaggerated double-take. "Woah. Is that...?"

"Yeah, that's them," said Morgan.

"_What happened?_ Are they going to live? What if they _die_? I can't live without my girls!" She sniffled. "Please tell me they're going to be okay! Tell me they'll live, please tell me-"

Hotch cleared his throat. "Garcia, I recorded what the doctor said and sent it to you and Rossi. You _know _what happened."

"Right. I forgot. Anywho...here's Rossi."

"Good." Hotch threaded his fingers together. "We need to discuss living arrangements. And before we vote on names, can I just add that around twenty seconds ago, Morgan single-handedly stopped a full-blown physical fight. We should take that into consider-"

"-No we damn well won't take that into consideration!" Morgan leapt in. "He tricked me and that doesn't count! Plus he has a kid! Shouldn't that count for something?"

"Yes, it should count for negative points, because I can't deal with Jack and two more kids running around my-"

"Yes you can! You just do your whole drill sergeant thing and they sit in nice little lines!"

"Remind me again who the kids are?" Garcia asked, gesturing to JJ and Emily, who were interestedly watching the fight, but sitting like perfect little angels on their seats.

"Ahem," Rossi said pointedly. "I think we can all agree that Reid is out of the question. No offense intended, Reid, but I wouldn't trust you with a child."

"Yes," Hotch agreed, straightening his tie. "And Dave lives in a one-bedroom apartment. That leaves Garcia, Morgan and me."

"Not happening," Morgan said at once.

"Well, I don't know what to do, because I can't have three kids for three weeks! My babysitter will murder me," Hotch said helplessly.

Garcia looked thoughtful. "Well, I could take one or both of them sometimes...but only occasionally. My flat is being renovated, as you all know, but they're free to stay with me in my hotel room some nights."

"Okay." Morgan agreed reluctantly. "You wanna flip a coin for who gets who?" he suggested, looking at Hotch.

Hotch nodded. "Fine. And then after a week, we switch."

"Yo, Reid, toss us a coin!" Morgan deftly caught the quarter thrown at him and looked at Hotch. "Okay, so shall we say...heads I get Emily, tails I get JJ?"

"Flip it."

The coin spun in an arc in the air before being caught by Morgan, who showed it to Hotch. "Tails. Hey, JJ, you're rooming with big bro Derek!"

She made a face.

"Okay, well thanks, Garcia," Reid said as he shut the laptop. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm exhausted, so I'm going to sleep."

"Me too." Hotch loosened his tie.

"You hear that, girls?" Morgan asked, looking at them. "Time to catch some well-needed Zs, while I make some more entertaining names for you."

Emily, whose eyes kept drifting shut, sat up straighter at that. "Like what?"

"I don't know...I keep wanting to call you 'Shorty' and 'Puffin', 'cause you look like a baby puffin."

"No, don't...'m not a puffin..." Emily protested, as her eyes closed. She fought to keep them open. Morgan reached over JJ's curled-up form and stroked her eyelids closed.

"Keep 'em like that, shorty puffin. Look, shrimp's already asleep." As her eyes shut and sleep finally came, Morgan stretched out on his own seat.

Half an hour later, the plan landed smoothly at Quantico. Hotch, Reid and Morgan woke with a start, but the girls slept on. Hotch walked over to JJ and gently shook her, while Morgan did the same to Emily.

"Come on, time to get up."

Emily moaned and shook her head. "No. Don't wanna...five more minutes."

JJ simply refused to open her eyes. After a few minutes of trying, the two men exchanged glances.

"What are we going to do?" Morgan asked helplessly. "They won't wake up and we can't just leave them here...we'll have to wait for them to get up."

Reid approached them slowly. "Uh, guys? Not to point out the obvious, but JJ and Emily now weigh around 30 and 45 pounds..." If it was Emily, she would have added a 'duh'.

"We were just getting to that..." Hotch gave up on excuses. "Never mind. Since it's two in the morning, I suggest we take our respective temporary kid and go home."

"Sure, boss, whatever you say," Morgan answered, sccoping up JJ and heading out. Hotch picked up a sleepy Emily gently and followed with his laptop and bag.

"Reid?" Morgan called over his shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Could you get the girls' bags? And mine? You can give it to us tomorrow. Thanks!" And without waiting for an answer, he left, leaving Reid trying to carry two books and four bags down the stairs.

**A/N: So, I've decided to keep the pairings pretty open here, and keep tallying the votes. So far, it's**

**Hotch/JJ and Morgan/Prentiss: 5**

**Hotch/Prentiss and Morgan/JJ: 5 **

**Emily/Reid: 3**

**and Morgan/Garcia, Reid/JJ and Emily/JJ with one vote each. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters**

**http:****(two forward slashes)****yfrog(dot)com(forward slash)n5emgj ****That's AJ Cook when she was little. I can't find Paget Brewster though.**

**http:****(two forward slashes)2(dot)bp(dot)blogspot(dot)com(forward slash)****_4HiEp_z7lbI/SRGNFTaRtsI/AAAAAAAAAdA/MmSqc3vWRag/s400/6bb4_1(dot)JPG Those are JJ's boots from this chapter**

**http:****(two forward slashes)www****(dot)cloggs(dot)co(dot)uk****/content/ebiz/cloggs/invt/4561/4561_Orange-Patent(dot)jpg Those are Emily's boots from this chapter**

The next morning, Morgan woke up nice and early, shaking his head as he remembered the nightmare he'd had. JJ and Prentiss as little kids...as if!

_Maybe I do need to take a vacation, _he thought as he put a leash on Clooney and opened the front door. He took a nice, leisurely walk, and then put the dog in the backyard to play so he could get ready for work.

_No cases for two weeks..._he thought happily, cherishing the thought of no blood, bones or guts in the next fortnight. Remembering that his favourite casual-enough-to-be-comfy-but-not -enough-to-make-Strauss-blow-a-fuse shirt was in his guest room, he quickly ran into the room, not wanting to be late.

And stopped.

And stared.

And started to bash his head repeatedly against the nearest wall.

JJ sat up innocently in bed, watching with an almost sadistic pleasure. "Did you think it was a dream?"

"Ugh..." he rubbed the quickly-forming lump on his head and glared at her. "Yes. Now get dressed, we need to get to work. And don't think just 'cause you're a little shrimp you won't have to do your paperwork."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"Good. Now get dressed, we're like fifteen minutes late already, and you haven't even eaten yet." He was about to leave before he noticed she hadn't moved. "What, midget?"

"I don't have any clothes to wear."

"Well, what do you want me to do? I am not a morning person, shrimp, you know that!" He thought quickly. "Nope, I got nothing. We can't exactly go shopping now."He sighed, checking the time. Damn. Twenty minutes late.

"How 'bout you just give me one of your t-shirts, and rip a leg of your sweats to make a skirt?"

"Yeah, that'll work. Okay, you go make yourself some...damn, you can't even do that. Just, I don't know, grab a candy bar while I get the clothes. Okay?" Without waiting for an answer, he dashed into his room and opened his closet. Standing back to examine his wide selection of clothes, a grin spread across his face as he picked out the perfect t-shirt and pants. He cut about a foot off the bottom of the shirt with a pair of scissors.

He cut a leg off the sweats, and then, realizing it would be way too long, cut the pant leg in half. He then stood gazing around the room, wondering how to join the two ends together. Of course, sewing never occurred to him.

Eventually, he decided on duct tape.

JJ came up a few minutes later, grabbed the shirt and the skirt from him without looking twice at them, and went to put them on. She returned, looking like a rag doll. Morgan burst out laughing.

"It's not funny!"

"Oh no, this is definitely funny. This is very, very funny. Jennifer Jareau dressed in a frayed shirt and a duct taped skirt? I gotta get the camera..." His teasing was interrupted by his cell phone.

"Hotch, how's it going over there?" he asked.

"Morgan, where are you? You're forty minutes late, Strauss is fuming, and I'm assuming you're still at home because I can hear your dog barking."

"Yeah, I had a little trouble finding her clothes to wear. What did _you_ do, O Wise One?"

"Gave her Jack's clothes," Hotch replied simply.

"Oh. Well, I live two blocks from work so we'll be there in five," Morgan said, opening the door and gesturing at JJ to follow him. They both sat down in the car and, since nothing in his day was going well, JJ chose that moment to pick a fight.

"I don't wanna sit in the back. I can't see anything."

"Get in the back," Morgan said, not in the mood.

"No."

"Get in the back, JJ."

"No."

"For Christ's sake, do you have to make this so difficult?" he asked, getting out and going around to where she was standing.

"Yes."

He brought his face close to hers and hissed through gritted teeth, "Strauss will have my ass if I'm not at work in the next five minutes. If I'm in trouble with her, you're in big trouble with me. So get your little four-year-old butt into that back seat," he brought his face closer to her for maximum effect. "_Now._"

"OKAY I'M GETTIN' IN THE BACK!" she yelled at the top of her voice, erupting in giggles when he jumped back in shock. Morgan shook his head, opened the door and dumped her in the back seat before starting the car. She was still laughing, clutching her tummy. And as much as he tried not to, he couldn't help but smile. Her giggles were contagious.

They pulled into the BAU parking lot in less than three minutes. Morgan slammed the doors and ran into the bullpen, panting.

"Where's Hotch?" he asked Rossi, who was looking over some reports by Reid's desk.

"Up there. In his office."

Morgan ran up without so much as a thank you, with JJ trailing after him. "Hotch. I'm here," he announced, waving at Emily who was drawing squiggles on her arms with pen. Her top half was also, for some reason, covered in milk.

Hotch looked up from his desk. "Good. I...Morgan, what is she _wearing_?"

Morgan quickly pushed JJ behind him so his boss wouldn't see the back of the shirt or the duct tape. "Just a little outfit I threw together. Strauss?"

"Coming in to see the girls in a few minutes."

"So she doesn't know I'm late? And she isn't fuming?"

"No, but she would have been if she'd found out you were forty-five minutes late." He picked up a pile of papers from his desk. "I've told the team to meet us in the briefing room; we should head there as well. Strauss will meet us there." Saying this, he left the room, leaving the occupants to follow him.

"Emily, what on Earth...?" Morgan asked as they walked.

"The milk?" she asked. "Hotch got me a carton of chocolate milk from the vending machine a few minutes ago, and it spilled." She looked oddly pleased by this.

Rossi, Reid and Garcia were already in the conference room when they got there. Garcia had vehemently refused to be the last one to see the transformed girls, and so had accompanied Rossi to the room. When she saw the girls, her eyes opened wide.

"Oh, you two are so much cuter in person! Em, I love your hair. And Jayje...what the hell is she wearing, Derek?" Garcia stood up, and Derek thanked his lucky stars that she hadn't seen the back yet.

"Strauss is coming; Garcia, you can deal with the clothes later. Sit down, everyone," Hotch directed. They all took their seats just as Erin Strauss entered the room in all her stony glory.

"Ah," she muttered, looking down her nose at the two children. "So this is them, is it?"

"Yes. Erin, I need to inform you of what the doctor said," Hotch started. Everyone was looking at him or Strauss. Everyone, except Morgan. He was staring at Emily, because she had that wicked gleam in her eye, and he just _knew_ she was planning something.

"Aaron...," Emily said suddenly, eliciting gawks from around the room at her use of Hotch's first name. "Who is that?" She hid behind Reid's shoulder as if scared.

"Prentiss, you _know_-"

"That's Erin Strauss, honey- she works here," Morgan butted in, figuring out what Emily was doing. "She won't hurt you. She's a very nice lady."

Emily's lips quirked upwards, and to the trained profilers in the room, it was obvious she found that statement funny.

"Do you recognize her, sweetie?" Morgan asked gently.

Emily nodded. "She looks familiar but I don't know who she is...She's a nice lady?" Morgan nodded, wondering where this was going.

"Is she Mommy?" JJ asked suddenly, winking at Emily.

"Yes! That's it! I knew that I knew her from somewhere!" Emily threw herself at Strauss, wrapping her arms around the woman's midriff and covering her in chocolate milk. "Mommy! You came back! Oh, Mommy, I missed you!"

"What?" Strauss tried in vain to unhook the arms from around her. "No, I'm not your mother! Let go of me!"

JJ looked at her in wonder. "You even sound like Mommy! I wanna hug you, Mommy!" She ran at Strauss and wrapped her arms and legs around the older woman's right leg, holding on with a vice-like grip. Unfortunately, her doing so gave everyone a clear view of her back, and Morgan groaned as four pairs of eyes turned to him in amusement (Rossi), confusion (Reid), disapproval (Hotch) and outrage (Garcia).

"Derek," Garcia started in a deceptively calm voice, "Why is my girl's skirt duct taped together, why is she wearing a shirt that says 'FBI: Female Body Inspector' on the back, and why does she have 'Chick Magnet' stamped across her butt?" Her voice rose to a scream at the end.

"I didn't have anything else to give her?" Morgan said it more like a question, trying to avoid her dagger-throwing eyes. If looks could kill, he'd have been three feet under by now.

Meanwhile, Strauss was still trying to untangle herself from the web of arms and legs attached to her.

"You little brats! Get off me! Get _off _me! Aaron! Do something!" She tried to walk, but since JJ was attached to her leg, she couldn't really move anywhere without bringing her with her.

"No! Stop! Bad children! Sit! Sit! Play dead!" she tried desperately. "Aaron!"

"Girls, come here please," Hotch said quietly, trying to hide the fact that he was enjoying himself immensely.

Emily and JJ immediately let go of Strauss and walked over to Hotch, nice as you please. Strauss sucked in a breath when she read JJ's shirt. The girls stood by Hotch, looking like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.

"You see, Mommy?" Emily asked, smiling sweetly. "All you had to do was say please."

"Yeah, Mommy," JJ chorused innocently, "All you had to do was say please."

"Please is the magic word, dontcha know?"

"Yeah," JJ echoed, "Dontcha know?"

"I am aware, Agent Hotcher," Strauss said stiffly, "that they are children, and children do misbehave. However, I am going to have to ask you to take them home."

"Yay! Let's go home...Derek? Was that your name?" Emily asked, still keeping up the We-Have-No-Memories charade.

JJ sucked her thumb, looking like she was about to cry. Faking, of course. "But, Mommy...who will take us home?"

Strauss ran a hand through her hair. "Who do you live with?"

"Them," JJ answered, pointing to Hotch and Morgan.

Emily frowned, pretending to think. "But Aaron told me that his son is with his grandmother for the day, so he doesn't have a babysitter. Derek doesn't have on either...what will we do?"

"What will we do?" JJ repeated, "Oh, Em'ly, what will we do?"

Emily shook her head sadly. "They'll have to come home with us and miss work. Too bad." She looked up to see Strauss grinding her teeth. Good.

"Well, I guess that means I'll go home too..." Everyone stifled a laugh as Rossi joined in. "After all, all my work today involved going over reports with Hotch, and if he's not here..."

"I was going to help Morgan with his computer..." Garcia put in. "I can't do that now..."

"And I've finished my work!" Reid. Who else?

Strauss stood in the doorway, covered in chocolate milk, her pants wrinkled and her hair messed up. She huffed. "Fine. You all stay. But if I hear a peep out of either of you devils, you're all suspended until they're back to normal." She stalked off, and the room immediately burst into laughter.

"For that, it was worth getting up at six am today," Rossi said.

"Well done, my little angels!" Garcia said, clapping proudly. "Now, the wonderful Agent Hotchner is going to give me the rest of the day off, so that I can take my babycakes shopping for _real _clothes." She glared at Morgan.

Hotch gave a slight smile. "Alright, Garcia has the day off. I want you and them back here by three pm."

"Yes, bossman. Come on, monkey butts. Say bye to everyone."

"BYE!" JJ yelled, waving frantically. "I'll miss you!"

Everyone except Hotch waved back. JJ walked over to him, grabbed his hand and moved it from side to side. "See? That's how you hafta wave," she instructed. "We're gonna try again, 'kay?" Without waiting for an answer, she went back to Garcia and Emily.

"BYE! I'll miss you!" she shouted again, watching Hotch like a hawk.

Hotch rolled his eyes, but waved anyway.

"Get outta here," Morgan said to them. "Later, gorgeous. Later, shrimp and midget."

When the door closed, Rossi turned to Hotch. "_That's _how you wave, Hotch."

"Don't start, Dave."

"You know, yesterday," Reid said, smirking, "JJ taught him to look in front while driving."

"Yes, she really is a fountain of knowledge, isn't she?" Hotch growled, storming off to his office.

"I think..."Rossi said carefully, looking at Reid and Morgan, "I think, having those girls around could quite possibly be fun."

At Millview Shopping Centre, Garcia was having the time of her life. After buying the essential underwear, she and JJ were sitting outside the changing rooms on a bench, surrounded by clothes of all kind.

"So, JJ, what do you think?" she asked as Emily stepped out of the changing room dressed in a cute little blue dress with colored fishes. JJ deliberated, sucking on her fifth lollipop.

"It's nice," she said eventually.

"Yeah, but that's like the fifteenth dress," Emily whined. "Can I have some pants now?"

"Sure angelfish." Garcia immediately tossed her a shirt and trousers from a pile next to her. "Go try these on."

"I don't need to! All these clothes are a size 6, and they all fit me. It's not like I'm gonna be a four in some clothes and an eight in others."

"True, but Garcia wants to see you in the clothes." As Emily opened her mouth to argue, she added, "I have the car keys. Wear the shirt, or they mysteriously disappear."

Emily came out of the changing room seconds later with an outraged look on her face. "I'm not wearing this! Morgan will never let me hear the end of it."

JJ looked at the shirt. It had Cinderella and it said 'Just waiting for my Prince' in pink curly writing. "Ick. That's horrible. Garcia, I finished my lolly."

Garcia beamed proudly at her. "Good girl! Here, have a popsicle. I don't know _why _people always complain about their kids never eating. And Emily, what about these shirts?"

'Excuse me, I'm VIP' and 'If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me' was on these ones. Emily fell in love with them. "They're awesome!"

Garcia looked pleased. "Okay, so we just pick up lots of shirts with cool sayings, those different-colored neon leggings you liked, and a few of those adorable little dresses."

"And boots," Emily added. "Hard enough to kick people with."

"Oh," Garcia put a hand over her heart, "You girls make me so proud." She turned to JJ after handing Emily a popsicle. "Your turn. Get in the changing room, and I'll toss stuff over the door."

"Nope," JJ said, licking her fingers. "I already know what I want."

"What?"

"Leggings like the ones Emily got, but in red. And boots, too. And a soccer shirt and lots of shorts."

"What about shirts and dresses? And skirts?"

"I don't care what they look like. Not too frilly though."

"Perfect!" Garica raced around the store in hyper speed, picking up five pairs of red leggings, four pairs of shorts, a soccer jersey, nine shirts, a couple of skirts and a handful of dresses. She dumped them in the over-flowing bag along with Emily's clothes.

"I'm sorry babycakes, but we don't have enough time for you to try them all on _and _get boots," she said to JJ, who tried to act sad. "Now! To infinity, and the shoe section!"

At the shoe section, Garcia and the girls were amazed at the selection. "Ooh," Emily cried, running to a pair of nasty-looking orange Doc Martens. "I want these!"

"Those look so perfect for kicking Morgan," Garcia noted. "Let's get 'em!"

Emily picked up a pair of blue knee-high converse, flip flops and sandals. JJ chose normal black converse, sandals and...

"Wellies! Can I have these, Garcia? Please? Please? Please?" JJ begged, holding on to a pair of lime green wellies with ducks on them for dear life, as Garcia tried to tug them out of her hands.

"Angelfish, you don't need wellies."

"I do!"

"Where will you wear them?"

"Anywhere! Come on, please? Please, Garcia?" JJ gave her a puppy-dog look, and eventually she gave in.

"Fine."

On the way to the checkout, JJ also grabbed rainbow knee-high socks, a joker hat and a trench coat, all of which Garcia loved. Emily picked up five candy bars and a cowgirl hat. Garcia approved of this purchase.

After that they went to the toilets to get the girls changed from Jack and Morgan's clothes, and then it was off to the parking lot. Once they were all in the car, Garcia clapped her hands. "Okay, that's done. And...yes, we have just enough time to get lunch. Where do you want to go?"

"Lunch?" Emily looked up at her through a mouth full of chocolate. "No. Can we just go back to the BAU?" She said this very fast, and very rushed.

"Hmmph," Garcia huffed. "I guess I do get when parents complain about their kids not eating. Well, okay then. BAU it is."

Hotch's mouth literally dropped open when he saw the children. "Garcia? I think they were better off in Jack and Morgan's clothes."

JJ laughed at him, sucking her third popsicle and twirling around in her green wellies with ducks on them, red leggings, white trench coat and joker hat. Emily was skipping around the bullpen in her orange Doc Martens, neon green leggings and a cowgirl hat, eating her fourth candy bar.

"Nice boots," Morgan commented.

"Morgan, let's play...!" JJ grabbed his hand and dragged him into the bullpen, forcing him to skip in a circle with her in front of twenty startled and amused employees.

"Okay, li'l lady, that's enough skipping," he said, lifting her up and putting her on a desk. "How 'bout you tell me what you did today, hmm?"

"'Kay," JJ agreed, bouncing on the desk. "FirstwewenttothemallandGarcia? ShemadeEm'lytryonEVERYTHING...but GUESS WHAT? Shedidntmakeme! 'Causewedidn'thavetime. That'swhatshesaid."

"Okay...And what did you have for lunch?" Morgan asked, trying to understand her rushed speech.

"I had...popsicles! And lollies! And a candybar! But Em'ly? She had, she had mostly candy bars and only one lolly. SheboughtFIVEcandybars... ThenEm'lygavemeoneofhercandybars and GUESS WHAT? It had a joke!"

"What- I don't- Really? A joke?" Morgan tried to decipher what she'd said.

JJ nodded, beaming, and kicked the desk repeatedly. Her lollipop was in danger of going flying from the amount of moving her hands were doing as they illustrated her story. "Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Poop!" She dissolved in laughter. Morgan was about to ask 'Poop who?" but then realized, that _was _the joke.

"I think that's enough candy for now," Hotch said as he came over and gently extracted the lollipop from JJ's hand. "Garcia, if you take them out again, keep the sugar to a minimum please."

"Sugar?" Emily's eyes went wide as she heard the word. "You have sugar? Where? Sugar means candy right?" She ran over to Hotch, Morgan and JJ, who was still rolling on the desk in hysterics. Morgan had his hand out to stop her from falling.

"No, no sugar. No way," Morgan said.

Emily looked at JJ. "What's so funny?"

"I got a j-joke from the c-candy! Knock knock!"

"Who's there?" Emily leaned forward eagerly.

"Poop!" And to Morgan and Hotch's complete surprise, Emily burst into uncontrollable laughter. When the giggles finally stopped, Emily hiccupped.

And the giggles started again.

"Girls, get outta here," Morgan groaned, lifting JJ off the desk and setting her on the floor.

"I wanna show you something!" They heard Emily tell JJ as the girls walked off. "You know that printer that the other agents use but we never do 'cause we never need to? Well it broke, and they got a new one today! It has sooooo many buttons! Come on, it's really cool! It's like in an airplane!"

"Oh, no...Emily! JJ! Don't touch the printer," Hotch said sternly.

"Fine," Emily shrugged. "Let's go get some coffee! Come on, JJ!"

"No, no, no!" Hotch grabbed both of them before they could run off. "You are to stay in this bullpen until four pm, which is in fifteen minutes. Am I understood?"

JJ gave a mock salute. "Yes sir!"

Emily looked around for a second, undoubtedly searching for machines they could play with, or Strauss. Finding neither, she sighed dejectedly, but perked up within a millisecond. "Tag, you're it!" She pushed JJ and began to run around the bullpen.

JJ ran after her, shrieking with laughter. Hotch and Morgan both turned to Garcia accusingly.

"What?" She shrugged. "I thought I was doing good getting them to eat!"

Reid and Rossi were sniggering. "I see what you mean about it being funny," Reid said.

"_You _are taking them to the park tomorrow," Morgan said, smirking as Reid's jaw dropped.

"No! Wait, let me help you...I'll give you more information on sugar rushes...Sugar rushes, or sugar highs, are short bursts of energy from eating too much processed sugar. Typically, a sugar rush in a child will last from anywhere between 20 to 30 minutes, and after that comes a 'sugar downer' where you feel groggy and tired. This is due to the body digesting processed sugars rapidly so instead of obtaining long-lasting-"

"Thank you, Reid," Hotch said.

"So we're stuck with this for twenty more minutes," Morgan said grimly, gesturing to the girls who were running around the bullpen, knocking over chairs and papers, and earning themselves a whole host of angry agents shaking their fists at them.

"Okay, I think that's enough," Hotch said suddenly. "JJ! Emily!" The girls ignored him. He raised his voice. "I'm counting to three..."

JJ and Emily ran over, skidding to a halt in front of them. However contrary to what Hotch and Morgan expected, they didn't stop there- instead, they began skipping in circles around the group.

"How old do you think we are?" JJ asked, and before any of them could answer 'four' she said "Not four! We're both adults!"

"Yeah, you really think that's gonna work?" Emily asked, giggling.

"I'm starting to count..."

"He does!" JJ announced, still skipping in circles.

"One..."

Emily scoffed. "We're not stopping!"

"Two..."

"Okay, okay, we'll stop," JJ said quickly. "Don't say three..." She covered her ears.

Emily, too, had stopped at two. Hotch almost smiled at the dumbstruck faces around him.

"Works every single time with Jack."

"Cool. Well you coulda told me that before," Morgan said. "Now come on, JJ, we're going home."

"We're _all _going home," Hotch said, looking at Emily pointedly. "Even Dave and Garcia and Reid."

"Oh, that reminds me..." Morgan grinned at Reid. "The genius here volunteered to take you to the park tomorrow."

**A/N: So far...**

**Hotch/Emily: 11**

**Morgan/JJ: 10**

**Hotch/JJ: 8**

**Morgan/Emily: 7**

**Emily/JJ: 4 ****I guess you could still vote for them, but I don't think I'm actually going to write it. Sorry =(**

**Emily/Reid: 6**

**Reid/JJ: 2**

**Morgan/Garcia: 2**

**No pairing: 1**

**I'm a little bummed 'cause I got 382 different people reading this story and only 36 left reviews...sigh. And I'm updating so quickly too...Hey, did I mention it's my birthday today? =) Kidding. But seriously, I AM updating quickly, so review! *Does big eyes like Puss in Boots from Shrek and flashes award-winning smile***

**The poop joke? It's a real joke. My five year old cousin loves it. Yes, the 123 thing works every time. And random fact for you: If you type 'wellies' into Word, it automatically corrects it to 'willies'. **

**Random fact 2, which I just found out and had to tell you: Paget was on Friends! As Kathy, Joey's girlfriend! And she had a reaaaally short haircut up to her ears and brown hair and her voice was so different that I didn't recognize her! It's on YouTube. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: 3 things: 1.) I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters**

**2.)Wizard-in-Disguise: It's not really a joke, because there's no punch line, but most little kids under five find it hilarious that 'poop's at the door. Haha I don't really get it either, but it works =)**

**BOK: For obvious reasons, pairings won't appear in this story until they're back to normal, so towards the end. I'm leaning towards no pairings at the moment, so as not to disappoint anyone. Because I would really hate it if a story I was reading turned into Garcia/Rossi or some other couple that I hate, and I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone else.**

**And 3.) I know everyone wants to see some Reid stuff, but I decided to keep you waiting, plus someone threatened me in a PM if I didn't have Emily meet Jack soon. Enjoy!**

* * *

They were driving back to Hotch's house when the phone rang. Hotch picked up his cell. "Hello?"

"Daddy?" Jack's voice came through the phone.

Hotch smiled, relaxing immediately. "Hey, buddy. What are you doing?"

"Waiting for you with Anna. I got back from Grandma's house two whole hours ago and you said you'd be home early today." There was no accusation in his son's tone...just apprehension and impatience.

"Yes, and I'm on my way now," he said, glad that for once he could keep his promise. "I'll be there in five okay?"

"Five what?"

"Minutes."

"Okay..." Jack agreed. "I'm gonna get some games out."

"Good idea. See you in a bit," Hotch said as he put the phone down. He looked in the mirror and noticed Emily's gaze on him. "What?"

"Was that Jack?" She asked.

"No. That was Strauss."

"Really?"

Hotch fought the urge to smile, and instead settled on rolling his eyes. "Prentiss, since when do I call Strauss 'buddy'?"

"Oh. Right." She stayed quiet for a few seconds, and then perked up again. "So what did he want?"

Hotch wondered if she'd always been this nosy, or if it was a side effect of being a child. "He wanted to know when I'd be home."

"Oh." Quiet for another few seconds. "So when will you be home?"

"Five minutes."

"I didn't know you lived so close to work!"

"I do." He stopped at a red light, and turned to face her in the back seat. "You know, you got over that sugar rush very fast..."

"What are you...what's the word...what are you implying?"

He didn't beat around the bush. "That you were faking to piss of Strauss."

Her eyes sparkled at the mere mention of 'Strauss' and 'piss off' in the same sentence. "Well, I wasn't. I didn't have that much anyway- only four candy bars and a popsicle."

"Only," Hotch murmured sarcastically under his breath, but she either ignored him or didn't hear him.

"...JJ was the one who had the most sugar, and in case you didn't notice, _she _was the one running around like an overactive chimpanzee!"

He let her have that, not pointing out that the tag game had been her idea. As he slowed to a stop outside his house and pulled into the driveway, he wondered what to tell Jack. Apparently Emily was having the same thoughts.

"Do we tell him I'm Emily from work?" she asked, as he locked the car and took out his house keys.

It took him a split second to decide. "And explain to him how it happened? No. I'll just say you're Emily, and you'll be staying with us for awhile."

She nodded her agreement and followed him into the house, keeping her distance as Jack came running up. He didn't have to be a profiler to know that she was nervous about meeting his son.

Hotch hugged Jack and then pulled away, pushing Emily forward from behind him so Jack could see her. "Jack, this is Emily. She's seven years old and she'll be living with us for a few days, okay?" Emily waved shyly.

Jack studied her for a moment before turning to his father. "But where will she sleep?"

"In the guest room."

"Well, okay. I guess," he said finally, a little annoyed at having his special time with Daddy ruined. Just then, Anna, the babysitter, appeared from the hallway, her coat in one hand and her purse in the other.

"Hello, Aaron. I just gave Jack his lunch, and...Who's this?" she asked, smiling at Emily.

"Emily. She'll be living with us for a few days, so if I ask you to sit for Jack, sometimes you might need to-"

"Oh, of course, don't worry about it." Anna waved at Jack before departing, leaving the three of them to stare awkwardly at the floor or at each other.

Eventually Hotch broke the silence. "So, Jack...where are all those games you promised me you'd set out?" he asked, prompting his son to lead him into the living room chattering excitedly, where Hotch could see Twister, Snakes and Ladders, Candy Land, Risk and Monopoly amongst others. "That's a lot of games! Which do you want to play first?" He craftily pushed the Monopoly box under the coffee table with his toe, remembering all too well the tears and tantrums this game caused because of how long it took. Jack simply did not have the patience to sit still for more than three hours, and more importantly, buying and selling houses did not interest him. However for some inexplicable reason, he insisted on playing that game almost every month. Emily saw what he did, and grinned.

"Snakes and Ladders, and then Twister!" Jack decided finally. They started to set up the game, and chose their counters.

"Emily, do you want to play?" Hotch asked. She shook her head no, and they started the game. Through his peripheral vision, Hotch observed Emily taking a seat on the edge of one of the couches, although she was paying attention to the game. Since the game was mostly to do with luck, Jack won without Hotch letting him win.

"Now Twister!" Jack announced, his mood considerably improved now that he'd won.

Hotch smiled at his son. "Take out the mat." He walked over to the couch and sat down next to Emily. "What's wrong?" When she shook her head, he persisted. "I am a profiler, you know. What's wrong? Why don't you want to play?"

She shifted uncomfortably. "He's been waiting all day for you to get back, and I don't want him to feel bad or anything...Like I'm butting in..."

"He won't feel that way. Now come play," Hotch ordered, his tone leaving no room for argument. Emily hesitantly joined Jack on the floor.

"Wait, Twister?" she asked in surprise.

Jack looked at her. "Yeah. You know how to play?"

"Yeah...but I didn't think _he _would," she answered, gesturing to Hotch, who was suddenly very interested in smoothing out the wrinkles on the Twister mat and examining the different colored circles with Reid-like concentration.

Jack nodded, understanding, and he pulled Emily a little distance away and leaned in conspirationally. In a very audible whisper, he said, "I know what you mean. But wanna know a secret? He smiles a lot at home. And he laughs, too. One time, I went to work with him, and he didn't even smile _once_. And I asked him why when we got home, and he said not to tell anyone because he likes being scary."

"Really? What about blinking?" She asked completely seriously, making Hotch start in surprise. He always blinked! Didn't he?

"Okay, that's enough, you two. Really, you gossip like old ladies!"

"I want to start on this side!" Jack said the moment he and Emily were gathered around the mat. Emily quickly chose a side, and Hotch said he'd do the spinning _and _play, earning him admiring and disbelieving looks from the kids. He didn't bother pointing out to them that he was double their size, _and_ they'd chosen the short sides of the mat, meaning Jack would have to reach all the way across the mat if he wanted to reach blue, and Emily would have to reach all the way across if she wanted to reach red.

"Okay...Right hand yellow! Left hand green! Right foot yellow! Left foot red! Right hand red! Right foot blue! Left hand blue!" He called out the orders in quick succession, easily manoeuvring his limbs around the children. They weren't having so much luck. Both kids were trying to move between themselves and Hotch, who _may _have purposefully tangled his arms with theirs, and also _might _have called out the colors he knew would be harder to reach. He was almost relaxing, having fun watching the children struggle.

Currently, Emily was trying in vain to get her left hand under Hotch's torso to the green circle, while Jack was struggling to reach the green and keep his foot on blue at the same time. Both of them were almost doing the splits, due to their left foot and right hand being on the opposite sides of the mat from their right foot and left hand.

Hotch knew both of them had cheated and missed at least two steps each, but hadn't called them out on it- after all, _he'd _been cheating with the spinner and calling out colors that he knew were difficult. Why? Because it was fun. And contrary to popular opinion, the unit chief knew how to have fun, especially at the expense of others.

"Spin, Daddy! I'm gonna fall!" Jack begged, wobbling shakily.

Emily's eyes widened. "No! If you fall, you'll fall on me and make me fall too! Spin! Hurry!"

"Alright, alright, I'm spinning..." Hotch made a big show of trying to find the spinner, enjoying the children's discomfort. "Now, where did I keep it?"

"Daddy!" Jack wailed.

Hotch picked up the spinner, easily holding it and keeping himself in position at the same time. "I'm spinning, I'm spinning..." He lazily flicked the spinner. "Whoops, that didn't spin right. Let me try again..."

"Dad-_dy!_"

"There, it worked that time...Let's see...It's spinning...Oh, it's stopping...No, still spinning...Ah, and it's..." It was Right foot yellow, "Right foot blue!"

"We're already on Right foot blue!" Jack hollered, his entire body shaking unsteadily.

"Oh, so you are. Well, I can't control the spinner, can I?" They were already in the worst position possible, and he was determined to prolong it until one of them fell. He _had _to win this game. Generally speaking, Hotch let Jack win all other games, but there was just something about even pretending to lose Twister against seven year olds that he couldn't handle. It was, after all, a game where height had a serious advantage.  
"I'll spin again..." He discreetly checked to see where their hands were, finding a good spot to pick. A spot which meant Jack would have to twist his entire body around because Hotch's leg was strategically placed to be an obstacle. "Okay, it's spinning...It's spinning...And...Left hand yellow!"

Emily and Jack heaved a sigh of satisfaction, but the relief spreading across their faces quickly turned to horror when they realized they were stuck.

"Okay..." Jack tried to move his hand over Hotch's leg with no success. "Emily, if you just move a little bit, I could get my hand around your leg, and we could just sort of twist our legs to the side...yeah...and then I move forwards and then your hand would reach and...and...woah...NO!" he cried as they fell in a heap, Jack on top of Emily. Hotch timed his demise to be a few seconds after theirs- not enough to make them suspicious, but enough so that it was very clear he'd won.

"Aww," he said, frowning sympathetically. "I guess you didn't win. Maybe next time."

"Hey Jack?" Emily said suddenly, rolling onto her stomach in front of the spinner. "Didn't he say the last one was Left hand yellow? 'Cause the spinner's not on that..." Damn it!

Jack glanced at it quickly, before Hotch had a chance to change it. "You cheated!"

"Would I ever do that?" Hotch asked, cursing himself for not changing it.

"Yes," Emily answered matter-of-factly.

"Maybe the wind changed it?"

Both kids clearly gave him a look that said they weren't buying it.

"You know what that means, right?" Jack said triumphantly. "That means _we_ won!"

Hotch paled. "Come on, Jack. You know how much winning Twister means to me!"

"I am so telling Morgan!" Emily.

Hotch thought fast. "I'll make you mac and cheese if you," he looked at Emily, "don't tell _anyone_ and you," at Jack, "agree to call it a draw. Deal?"

"Deal," they chorused.

"Just one more thing..." Hotch said as he looked at both kids lying on the mat in front of him. Without warning, he leapt at them, tickling them mercilessly. "_That's _for not letting me win!"

"No, stop! Please! Mercy! Mercy!" Emily shrieked, desperately trying to roll out of reach. He pulled her back towards him.

"Do I win?"

"NEVER!" Jack cried. Both of Hotch's hands focused on his tummy. "Yes! YES! YOU WIN!"

"Good. I win. Now, Jack, you go show Emily your room while I make your dinner," Hotch said, transforming back into the stoic profiler.

Emily and Jack sat on Jack's bed silently, unsure of what to say. Finally Emily broke the silence, figuring if she was stuck in the unit chief's house for a week, she would milk it for all she was worth. "Can you tell me anything embarrassing about your dad?"

Jack looked at her suspiciously. "Why?"

"Well, I just wanted something to hang over his head, you know, like, say, he enjoys knitting...does he?" she asked hopefully, deflating when Jack shook his head. "Okay, does he like scrapbooking? Anything girly? Anything un-Hotch at all?" When Jack continued to shake his head, she sighed. "Operation Blackmail Hotch is officially terminated."

"What? It's an operation? Like spies?"

"Yeah. That's the whole point. You're like my trusted source who won't give up my name even when your skull is being grinded and you're being tortured to within an inch of your life, and the bad guy is-"

"-Okay, I get it," Jack said, looking thoughtful. "Fine, I'm in. But what's in it for me?"

Emily considered. "I have a leftover Kit-Kat?"

"Nah. Daddy'll give me one if I ask."

She racked her brains. "If we make profits, I'll give you twenty percent."

Jack shook his head. "Fifty."

"Thirty."

"Fifty."

"Forty."

"Fifty."

"Done, but only if I get to be leader."

"Done. Seal it with spit?" Jack asked.

Emily looked at her hand and shrugged. "Sure." They spit on their hands and shook. "Now, as leader, I order you to tell me anything even a little bit girly or embarrassing about Hotch."

Jack looked sceptical. "But how does that make money?"

"We can pit him against Morgan...you know Derek Morgan, right? Well, we tell Derek we've got the dirt on Hotch, but he has to pay us. And we tell Hotch that if he doesn't pay us, we'll tell Derek. Kind of like bidding for the secret, I guess."

"Yeah!" Jack agreed. "And then, to make it better, whatever amount Daddy agrees to give us to keep quiet, we tell Morgan he offered us twenty bucks more!"

"Yeah! So Morgan will bid more!" Both of them were getting excited. "And we should have totally cool spy code names."

"And our last names have to be words we use all the time, so no one will suspect anything," Jack said. "It has to be in this room."

Emily thought about her name. What did she want to be? She examined Jack's room and finally noticed an alarm clock on Jack's desk. "I'll be Agent Toki Alarm-Clock. But you can just call me Toki or Clock."

"I was gonna pick the clock!" Jack huffed. "Fine, I'll be Agent...Agent Zukamime Pillow," he finished, spotting his pillow lying on the floor. "Pillow and Clock! Super-secret spy agents! Other kids make lemonade, we make bad guys cry!" He leapt onto his bed and contorted his face into what he thought was a very sophisticated grimace.

Emily frowned. "Get down, Zukamime. We haven't even got the dirt yet!"

Jack bounded off the bed and came to sit on the floor next to her. "How do we do that?"

"Well, first, we need to have a raid," she said, getting out some paper.

"Why a raid?" Jack asked.

"That's how they start in all the spy movies," Emily replied, busily drawing a plan of the house.

"His room!" Jack drew an X on the map where Hotch's room was in purple crayon. "He has tons of stuff in there."

"Okay, so after dinner, we raid his room and then-"

"No, wait, that won't work." Jack pursed his lips. "He always sits in his room after dinner. Or he plays with me. You know what we need?"

"What?"

"A distraction! Like a stink bomb!"

Emily nodded excitedly. "Yeah! Okay, so that's our plan. After dinner, we set off a stink bomb, and then we raid Hotch's room. We look for stuff like chick flicks and self-help books. Knitting needles would be a bonus."

"Perfect!"Jack agreed. "Except there's one problem: I don't have any stink bombs."

"Could you be the stink bomb?" Emily asked him. "Eat lots of beans and stuff like that?"

Jack wrinkled his nose. "Uh, okay. So then you distract him in the living room while I get some beans from the kitchen before dinner. I take them up to my room, then you come upstairs. I eat the beans, then we go raid his room. And he won't suspect a thing 'cause he'll be distracted by the stink!"

"It's genius!" Emily decided. "There's no way it could go wrong!"

"But we have to make sure we don't forget the map of the house. And also, torches. Here." He tossed Emily a torch from his chest of drawers.

Zukamime and Toki crept down the stairs, and crept into the kitchen, checking to see that Hotch's back was turned.

"Help me find the beans," Jack whispered, opening a cupboard. The door squeaked, and Hotch spun around, his fingers automatically reaching for the gun at his hip.

"Looking for something?" he asked suspiciously, as Jack and Emily both looked at each other in fright, put their hands behind their backs and began whistling like they'd seen people do in movies. "Whatever you're planning, it had better not involve any cleaning up. Now sit down, dinner's ready." He spooned the macaroni from a pot into two plates and pushed them towards Jack and Emily, who hadn't moved. "Sit. Eat."

"Darn it, Clock," Jack said in a normal voice. "Our plans are foiled."

"I know, Pillow!" Both children were beaming proudly, thinking they'd come up with some super-secret spy code names that Hotch, a trained agent for the FBI, would never be able to crack. Hotch rolled his eyes.

"I wonder who Pillow and Clock are?" he mused. "Well whoever they are, they're going to have to go to bed after dinner and a bath."

"Aw, Daddy! Why?" Jack whined.

"Because it's already seven thirty, and by the time you both finish your dinner, have a bath, brush your teeth and finish anything else that needs to be done, it'll be nine. Perfect bedtime." Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed them exchange looks, but he didn't comment.

"I guess our raid will have to wait 'til tomorrow," Jack said sadly, lowering his voice.

Emily nodded. "Yeah, but I'm going with Hotch in the morning tomorrow. So while we're both gone, you try and find something that we can use, and I'll talk to Morgan and see how much he's willing to pay."

"Talk to that old guy too. Dave. And the smart skinny guy." Jack didn't find it odd that his new friend was going to work with his dad.

"Sure," Emily agreed. Then, eyes narrowing, she added, "Hotch is never gonna know what hit him..."

**xxx**

Ever since they'd gotten into the car, JJ had been chattering non-stop. They had been driving for exactly forty two seconds, and she still showed no signs of letting up.

"...so then, my mommy told me that I could beat him, and I did! I beat him really good. And after that I kept playing, and I still play. You know Garcia? She bought me a soccer shirt. I asked her to, and she bought me one. It's blue. I like blue. Do you like blue? I like blue. Boys like blue. Boys like soccer, too. Like me! But I'm not a boy. Do you like soccer?" She paused for breath, allowing Morgan time to answer.

"Yeah, shrimp, I do."

"Will you play with me?"

"Sure, JJ, whatever you want."

She nodded, satisfied. "I bet I can beat you. I beat a lot of people. One time, there was this boy in my school and he was mean and he said I couldn't play but then Mommy said I could and then I-"

"JJ?"

"Yeah?" she asked, drumming her feet on the seat to a pattern only she could make out.

"You just told me this same story. Just now."

"I did?" she wrinkled her brow adorably. "Oh."

Morgan breathed a sigh of relief. Then: "That's okay. I have lots of other stories. Like this one time, I went swimming and I almost got bit by an alligator! It was a fake plastic alligator, but still it almost bit me! But I wasn't scared. I never get scared. Do you get scared? I don't think you get scared. You're brave- I know, I've seen you kick down doors. That's brave. And also, that's vandalism. But it's still brave."

Morgan cursed as they hit their fifth red light, and he saw the traffic that awaited them in the next street. "Looks like it's gonna be ten minutes or so 'til we get home," he commented.

"That's nice," JJ said. Her voice sounded tired. _Yes!_ thought Morgan. "I like ten. I have ten fingers. And ten toes. Ten is a nice number."

"Yeah, it is."

"What's your favourite number?"

"I don't know."

"Mine is a bazillion!" She stretched her arms up to the ceiling to illustrate how big a bazillion was.

"I don't think that's a number."

"It is!"

"Okay, okay, it is." He noted with satisfaction that her sugar rush had apparently stopped, as she was quiet for a few minutes. "JJ?"

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"We're almost home. Just two streets left."

"'Kay."

He pulled into his driveway smoothly, waited until she got out and then went to open the trunk to take out all the clothes Garcia had bought. He tossed JJ the house keys so she could open the door. She did, and ran inside, leaving Morgan with all the bags. He followed her into the house, closing the front door with one finger, the rest of his hands occupied with the bags.

Suddenly, a scream pierced the air.

He dropped the bags without a second thought and ran into the living room, where JJ was curled up on the floor. Her eyes were wide and terrified- a wild, haunted look replacing her normal, curious one. Clooney stood over her, tail wagging. Morgan carefully pushed the dog out of the way and checked JJ over for any injuries, his trained eyes searching for bruises or cuts.

Finding none, he shook her shoulder, trying to get her to uncurl. "JJ? JJ, what happened? Did you trip?" She didn't answer, didn't even show any signs that she'd heard him, and he began to get worried. "JJ? JJ, do you feel any pain? Do you need me to get you a doctor?" She didn't respond.

She was back in the barn. The dog barked at her. Morgan's dog- Clooney. It _barked at her_.

Just like they did.

_And just like that, she was back in the barn. Hankel's barn. The dogs were coming, they were growling... There were three of them. She tried to run, call Reid, get help, but they were too fast. One of them was blocking the path to the door. Fear pumped through her veins as she remembered that the dogs were man-eaters. Their hungry eyes were wild as they ran towards her..._

"JJ?" Morgan looked at her glassy eyes, trying to figure out what had caused this reaction. Clooney! Of course!

_She reached back to her hip for her gun, but her fingers closed around thin air...where her gun usually was, there was nothing. _

"JJ!" Her hand was reaching for something invisible by her waist, and her entire body was shaking.

_She was terrified. One of the dogs leapt at her, and she could feel the searing pain where its claws scraped at her skin..._

"JJ! Come on, you need to get out of this now. Come on, girl, come back to me. Yes, that's good. Focus. No, don't think about Clooney. He's gone, JJ. I sent him out." She was dimly aware of Morgan's relieved voice, and of something moving her.

Morgan's heart almost stopped with relief, if that was even possible, when her eyes started to focus again, and the shaking lessened. He gently lifted her up and carried her to the couch, setting her on his lap. He began to rub small circles on her back, hoping to calm her down.

"JJ, what was that?" he asked, and then mentally kicked himself. She was in no state to be answering questions! "I thought you were having some type of spasm...I'm sorry, JJ, I should have realized. The doctor warned us about memories coming back..."

"Where's Clooney?" she asked in a small voice.

"I didn't want to take him into the garden and leave you, so I just shooed him away. Do you want me to...?"

She shook her head, trying to act like it wasn't a big deal although she was still trembling, curled up against him. "I'm fine."

"You sure?" Morgan asked, still rubbing her back. She nodded. "Okay, then do you want to get up?"

She was silent for a while. Then: "Not really." And then quickly added, "But I don't mind getting up, if you have something to do."

"I don't have anything to do," he reassured her. "And JJ? Traumatic memories can take a toll on your mind, especially since you're so young. I get it alright? It's understandable. I don't want you to have to worry about being put together."

She forced a smile. "I'm not. I'm really fine. I swear."

Since it was obvious that JJ didn't want to risk leaving the comfort of his lap and venture into the house alone, possibly bumping into his dog, he stayed on the couch with her while they decided what to do.

"You wanna...play a game? I bet I can cream you at soccer." He nudged her, making her give a soft laugh. "Or how about a movie?"

JJ immediately perked up at the idea of an activity that didn't require her to be at any risk of meeting Clooney. "What do you have?"

Morgan chuckled. "What _don't _I have? Let's see..." he shifted her in his lap so that he could stand up and carry her. He crouched down in front of the TV cabinet, with JJ sitting on his knee. "You're not in the mood for horror, hmm?" he said, chuckling slightly as she shook her head vehemently.

She leaned forward a little, studying the rows of DVDs. "What about classics?"

"You mean like _Little Women _and _Romeo and Juliet_? Sorry, shortstuff. There is no way Derek Morgan would ever have _those_ types of movies."

JJ shook her head, her small hands taking out and putting back DVD covers quickly. "No, I meant Jaws and Titanic and stuff like that." She paused, looking at the case she was holding. "But you have girl movies."

"Yeah, I keep them to laugh at. They cheer me up when I've had a bad day. You wanna watch one?"

JJ cocked her head to one side. "You have The Notebook? And A Walk to Remember? _And _Letters to Juliet?" she asked incredulously. "You like Nicholas Sparks?"

Morgan scoffed. "Please! That guy is way too big for his boots! I can name you any story from any of his books..." JJ looked at him. "First the girl and guy meet, but they can't fall in love, because there's something that means they can't be together. But of course they do fall in love. And someone reconciles with their estranged family member. Also, towards the end, someone dies. Always. Cancer, leukemia, mudslide, Alzheimer's..." he ticked them off on his fingers. "To tell you the truth, I got a whole set of Nicholas Sparks movies from my sister. She thought they would soften me up. But I've spent more nights laughing at those films than I can count." Suddenly he remembered what Hotch had said was one Jack's favourite films. "Hey shrimp, you wanna watch Home Alone?"

"Sure."

He couldn't find either of the first two, but managed to find the third one, which he insisted was nowhere near as good as numbers one or two. Popping the disc into the DVD player, he settled back onto the sofa with JJ, glad to see that she had finally relaxed.

The movie was light-hearted and made them laugh, a well-needed tension reliever. When the final credits rolled onto the screen, Morgan stood up slowly, stretching, with JJ in his arms.

Clooney barked from somewhere in the kitchen, and he felt JJ immediately stiffen, her hands grabbing his shoulder.

"Sorry, shrimp, but this isn't working. You're stuck here with me for a week and that includes Clooney, whether you like it or not. We're gonna deal with this now," he said, rather more harshly than he intended to.

JJ pulled back a little to look at him, her eyes as big as saucers. "No! You can't!"

"I can and I will, baby girl." Seeing her face, he softened. "I'll be right here the whole time, alright?" An idea struck him, and he lifted her onto his shoulders and climbed onto the sofa. "There. Now he can't reach you until you decide to come down." He put two fingers in his mouth and whistled sharply. "Clooney! Here, boy!" Clooney bounded into the room, tail wagging. Morgan held his hand out. "Sit. That's right. Good boy. Now stay, and no barking."

JJ had her face pressed against his head, and she was gripping his ears tightly because of his lack of hair.

Morgan pulled her hands off his ears. "JJ, girl, you gotta look. He won't do anything- I promise. He can barely even see you, you're so high up." She didn't move. "Okay, okay, baby steps. How 'bout I make him face the other way? Would that work better?"

She nodded slowly, still hiding her face behind his head.

"Clooney! Clooney, turn around. Good boy! Now stay. No barking."

JJ very slowly lifted her head enough to peek out over the top of Morgan's head. Seeing the dog doing nothing but sitting calmly, she relaxed infinitesimally.

"Are you okay?" Morgan asked.

She paused. "Yeah." Then, "He doesn't look like those dogs."

"No, he doesn't, does he?" Morgan agreed. "He's a different color, and a different breed _and _a different size."

"Sounds the same."

"I told him not too bark. Are you okay with me sitting down on the couch in front of him? And then we'll get you off my shoulders."

She resumed her grip on his ears, but agreed, albeit hesitantly. Slowly, he got off the couch and sat down on it, bringing her down to his lap. "Clooney, here," he ordered, watching JJ closely as the dog turned around.

Now that she was out of her trance-like state, she noticed that he really wasn't like those other dogs. His tail was wagging, for one thing. And he listened to Morgan- the other dogs didn't follow orders. She reached out a hand hesitantly, pressing her face against Morgan's chest and squeezing her eyes shut as the dog came closer to sniff.

He bumped his nose into her palm.

And that was it.

He didn't bite, he didn't bark, he didn't attack. He just sniffed. Morgan barely suppressed an urge to pump his fists in the air and yell 'Victory!' as JJ warily looked at Clooney, who was still rubbing his nose into the palm of her hand.

"You see shrimp? He won't hurt you."

JJ nodded. She opened her mouth to speak, thought better of it, and closed it again.

"What is it?" Morgan prodded.

"Can I ride him?"

Whatever he was expecting her to say, it wasn't that. "Excuse me?"

"Can I ride him? Like a horse? 'Cause this one time, I rode a small horse and he looked just like Clooney only-"

"Okay, okay," Morgan interrupted her, not wanting her to start another round of 'Let's-keep-talking-nonstop-until-Morgan-kills-himself'. "I don't think you can ride him."

"Why not? He's big enough."

"He is, but he's not a horse, shrimp. Hey, you know what?" Morgan asked, trying to change the subject.

JJ looked up eagerly, falling for it. "What?"

"After that three hour long movie, it's seven thirty. And you know what that means!"

She scrunched up her face, thinking. "I do?"

"Bed and bath time!"

She perked up. "Can I go to bed, _then_ have a bath?"

Morgan laughed, swinging her onto his back, piggy back style. "Now how would you do that?" he asked, as they climbed the stairs. "Woah, wait. Forgot dinner. Hey shrimp, you hungry?"

JJ shook her head no. "I'm full."

"Okay," Morgan said, relieved that he wouldn't have to try and cook something. "Well, just bath and bed then."

He dropped her off at the bathroom, rummaging around in the shopping bags for a pair of pajamas. JJ banned Morgan from entering the bathroom, insisting on taking a shower alone, with the door locked. Morgan point blank refused to let her lock the door. JJ refused to budge, claiming that 'someone can come in' if the door wasn't locked.

He tried in vain to explain to her. "JJ, the front door is locked and there isn't anyone else in the house except me and Clooney, and he's in his doghouse outside!"

"I know!"

"So there's no one else who can come in."

"I _know_!"

He congratulated himself on a job well done, asking her,"So can you keep the door open please?"

"No!"

"Why not?" he almost growled.

"BECAUSE SOMEONE CAN COME IN!"

Finally, he managed to convince her to leave the door open, as long as he stood guard outside to make sure no one could come in. JJ decided to make sure he was outside the entire time by calling out every two to five seconds.

After her bath, Morgan tucked her into his guest room, trying to decide if he should broach the subject of the dogs again. "JJ?"

"Yeah?"

"About today..." he started.

"I'm fine. Everything's fine. It was just a one-time thing," she said, anticipating where this was going.

Morgan didn't look convinced. "You sure? Because like I said, it's normal, and if you want me to leave a night light or something, then I've got one."

"No. I'm fine. I don't even get what scared me." She smiled at him.

"JJ..."

"Seriously, I'm fine. I touched him didn't I?"

Morgan stood up and went to turn off the light. "Well, if you're sure. If you need me for anything at all, my room's just down the hall. 'Night, shrimp." He closed the door and left the room. Two seconds later, he came back. "Sorry, just to clarify: 'Anything at all' means only emergencies. As in, matters of life and death only. Okay, goodnight."

"Night."

**

* * *

**

A/N: Yeah, I know, no funnies this chapter. But because I am eternally kind and amazing and just reeking of awesomeness and generousity, I will give you a sneak preview of what's coming up! Drumroll, please...In chapter 5, there is a park. And IF YOU ARE VERY LUCKY, AND I AM IN A GOOD MOOD, there will also be the BAU at a bar. AND IF YOU ARE VERY, VERY LUCKY, AND I AM IN A SUPER GOOD MOOD, there will also be an auction for who gets to know Hotch's deepest, darkest secrect. If you're lucky. No promises. I'm still typing, so if you want anything specific or have a suggestion just tell me. =) Maddie xxx

**So far it's Hotch/Emily: 17**

**Morgan/JJ: 12**

**Hotch/JJ: 9**

**Morgan/Emily: 10**

**Emily/JJ: 5 I guess you could still vote for them, but I don't think I'm actually going to write it. Sorry =(**

**Emily/Reid: 6**

**Reid/JJ: 3**

**Morgan/Garcia: 2**

**No pairing: 4 ****Leaning towards this at the moment**


	5. Chapter 5

**So far it's Hotch/Emily: 24**

**Morgan/JJ: 15**

**Hotch/JJ: 9**

**Morgan/Emily: 10**

**Emily/Reid: 6**

**Reid/JJ: 5**

**Morgan/Garcia: 5**

**No pairing: 8**

**XXX**

A tired and grumpy Morgan greeted Hotch the next morning. Hotch raised an eyebrow at him. "What happened to you?"

"JJ. She had nightmares," Morgan grumbled, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "Word of advice? Don't trigger any memories. At all. Avoid touchy subjects at all costs."

Hotch looked concerned. "The doctor didn't mention that they have to be triggered."

"Yeah, well, the doc didn't mention a whole lot of things, like how my head would hurt because of all the screaming."

"Alright, well, I'll just let the others know that they shouldn't come into contact with any case files or pictures of Cyrus, Hankel or any other unsub."

Reid chose that moment to approach them. "You know technically, they're not unsubs anymore. Unsub stands for 'unidentified subject', and once we know the killer's identity, they can't be referred to-"

"Reid," Hotch said. "Are you still taking the girls to the park?"

"No."

"What do you mean, no?" Morgan asked. "You are. No buts."

"Morgan, you're going with him. No buts," Hotch said.

"What? No, Hotch, you can't be serious!"

"I am. Reid can't be trusted at the park with two small children."

Morgan groaned. "Fine. But you owe me big for this." He brought two fingers to his mouth and whistled sharply. "Come on! Park!"

"They're not dogs," Hotch said disapprovingly as JJ and Emily ran after Morgan, who was striding down the corridor. Reid almost had an aneurysm when he saw what they were wearing.

"I- Wait- Morgan! Morgan, wait!" He called, running after them. "This isn't safe! Look at what they're wearing!"

"What?" Morgan asked, looking the girls over. Both were wearing shorts and a shirt. JJ had on her wellies again, with rainbow tube socks. Emily had refused to give up the Doc Martens, and was wearing them with a pair of Jack's socks. "Okay, I'll admit they're a little colourful. But nothing compared to Garcia. So if you're done freaking out about the clothes, can we get this over with?"

"No! JJ's wearing a _scarf_, Morgan! 56% of deaths due to playground-related injuries are from strangulation! And Emily's shoes are a health risk! What if she, I don't know, falls down and kicks someone in the head?" He scurried after Morgan, who had already left the BAU with the girls and was walking across the street. "Morgan, these are serious health risks! Morgan!"

The older profiler ignored him.

Reid huffed. So he knew a few too many statistics- so what? They came in handy lots of times! Like now, for instance. Playgrounds really were deathtraps! So many kids, so little space, so many dangerous contraptions. Right then, Reid resolved not to let the girls on _any_ of the park's contraptions- not the swings, not the roundabout and most definitely not the climbing frames!

His mouth dropped open as he saw Morgan lifting JJ onto the climbing frames as Emily dangled upside down next to her, grinning madly and waving at him. "No, no, no!" He yelled, rushing over and trying to get them down. "The climbing frames are most commonly involved in accidental injuries!"

Morgan rolled his eyes. "Kid, it's a playground. What could they possibly do?"

Reid leapt at the chance to illustrate how dangerous playgrounds were. "A- A lot, actually. About 45% of playground-related injuries are severe, ranging from fractures, dislocations and concussions to internal injuries and amputations. Did you know that according to a government survey conducted in 2002, over 172, 000 children were hospitalized after having an accident at a park, and almost 34,000 of those children were injured at public playgrounds?"

"_Why_ would I know that, Reid?"

"It's important! And- no, Emily, get off the swings! Those are most commonly the cause of injury after climbing frames!"

"Reid. Reid. It's just a park," Morgan said, trying to keep an eye on JJ and Emily and calm Reid down at the same time.

"That's the point! It's a PARK! Do you have any idea how dangerous parks are? Between 1990 and 2000, over 140 children-"

Morgan grimaced. "Okay, okay, I get it. But everything's dangerous if you look at it that way. Our _job_, for example." He eyed Reid, internally congratulating himself when the younger man deflated.

"I suppose. But still, we should take JJ's scarf off."

"Fine," Morgan agreed. "But that's it. No more statistics."

Just then, a wail broke through the dozens of shrieks and giggles. The two men immediately ran towards the sound, along with every other parent in the park. JJ was on the floor, sobbing and holding her ankle. Emily was patting her back, looking guilty. "Someone pushed her."

"Aw shrimp!" Morgan groaned. "Can't you play for even one minute without getting into a mess?"

One of the mothers, a thin, bony woman turned her nose up. "I hardly think that's appropriate," she said condescendingly. Morgan raised an eyebrow at her.

"Excuse me?" he asked, standing up and folding his arms, motioning to Reid to take care of JJ. Reid gave him a panicked look.

The woman's husband answered Morgan. "Well, you're hardly a candidate for best father of the year," he drawled.

Morgan scowled. "They're not my daughters, as is obvious," he said through gritted teeth.

"Ah. Of course," the man said. "Can't trust the help these days. No manners whatsoever!"

"Excuse me, sir, but I did not shout. And you will keep your mouth shut and back off if you know what's good for you."

"Can you believe his nerve?" He turned to his wife, who nodded. "He should just go back to where he came from. I bet he's an illegal immigrant."

"Sir, I am _this _close to pounding-"

"Morgan!" Reid hissed. "You can't hit them!"

"Of course he can't!" the man said, puffing himself up. "He'd get fired! And he has some nerve, threatening me, when _my_ people kindly let him into this country." Reid put his hand on Morgan's shoulder to hold him back, taking out his phone.

"I know!" The man's wife joined in. "And blaming the poor dear for getting hurt, when he should have been watching her. I want your name," she directed this comment at Morgan. "I shall be calling your employer and informing him of this incident. Really! Look how well _my_ son behaves, because I'm watching him 24/7." She gestured to her own child, who resembled a mini-sumo wrestler with his fat, pudgy face and little black eyes.

Emily got a mischievous look in her eyes. "Morgan! He's the boy who pushed JJ! Right there! The fat one!" She looked at JJ for support, getting a tearful nod from the younger girl.

_I will buy them a million candy canes for this, _Morgan thought as he smirked at the man, whose mouth was opening and closing rapidly. His wife, however, was not so speechless.

"Why I never! Did you hear that, Gerald? How dare she blame my darling Clarence! He wouldn't hurt a fly," she said, as Clarence squished a bug with the toe of his sneaker. "Rude, nasty children. You should be punished! I'm going to call up your mother. Give me your name, you vile -"

"Hey!" Morgan shouted. "Back off her, woman!"

"Um, excuse me," Reid interrupted the argument nervously. "We're with the FBI. You were saying?"

"Yes, ma'am, what were you saying?" Morgan asked. Unable to resist, he added, "And you named your kid _Clarence_? What is this, 1903?"

"I'll have you know that Clarence is a lovely name, and was not even around in the 1900s," the woman said, as her husband Gerald cowered behind her, intimidated by the badge Reid had flashed at him.

"Actually, between 1900 and 1909, Clarence was in the top 100 boys' names," Reid said.

"If that's all, please leave," Morgan said, conspicuously turning so they could see his gun. Gerald trailed away, his wife flouncing after him. Morgan turned to JJ on the floor. "Alright baby girl, what's wrong?" he asked. JJ, who had been fine up until that point, immediately burst into tears again.

"I-It h-hurts!" she cried, pointing to her ankle. To her credit, it _did _have a rather large bruise on it.

"Can you stand?" Reid asked.

"No! It hurts so much!" JJ bawled, her cried getting louder. Morgan tried to think through the screaming.

"What can we do?"

"I w-want a b-band-aid!"

"JJ, a band-aid isn't gonna-"

"I WANT A B-BAND AID!"

"What is going on here?" Hotch's voice broke through the ruckus.

"Hotch? What are you doing here?"

"I called him," Reid said quietly.

"HOTCH! They w-won't give me a b-band aid!"

"I received a call from Reid," Hotch said, "informing me that JJ was hurt and Morgan was about to get into a fist fight with a racist couple. I walked out of the BAU, and after taking one step outside, I was assaulted by an extremely thin woman with an obese child. She informed me that I would have to have you fired after seeing my name tag and finding out I was an FBI agent. And then I get here, and find JJ screaming."

"Well, it's good you're here," Reid said. "She won't shut up!"

Hotch crouched down next to JJ. "What hurts?"

"My ankle!"

"Here," Hotch produced a band aid and a gauze pad from his shirt pocket. At the enquiring looks, he shrugged. "Helps to be prepared when you have a seven year old son." He taped the bandage onto JJ's ankle. "There. All better. Now can you stop the tears for me?"

JJ nodded, giving her ankle a test shake. "Doesn't hurt anymore. Thank you!" She surprised Hotch by giving him a quick hug, then running off to play with Emily.

Hotch turned to his two agents, arms crossed. "Can I trust you two to be on top of things for one hour? Just _one_?"

They nodded guiltily as he walked back across the street to the BAU.

Morgan was trying to decide whether to be gleeful at defeating the couple or angry at Reid. He settled on both. "That racist son of a bitch! And why the hell did you call Hotch?"

"Me? Why were you getting into physically violent fights with couples?"

Morgan snorted. "I had it under control. I'm a trained agent, kid, I know how to handle people."Reid was staring off at the park. "What?"

"You said you'd take JJ's scarf off!"

"Reid, not again! Why?" Morgan asked, as an ice cream truck drove by.

Reid crossed his arms. "We went over this! 56% of accidental deaths at parks are caused by strangul-"

"I know! Anyways, she'll just leave it somewhere," Morgan said.

Reid crossed his arms. "I'll take care of it."

"_You? _You'll persuade her to take the scarf off, and then you will make sure it doesn't get lost?"When Reid nodded, he looked around for the girls. His eyes skimmed over the dozens of playing children and the mothers on park benches.

They weren't there.

Morgan whistled. "Emily! JJ!"

They didn't answer. Reid looked over every single child, willing them to appear.

Morgan met Reid's panic-stricken gaze, forcing himself to calm down. "Okay, so they're not answering. Big deal; they're probably playing hide and seek or they followed Hotch or something…JJ! Emily! Emily Prentiss and Jennifer Jareau, if you don't come here right now, we're leaving without you. I'm counting to three. One…two…" He paused. "Okay, you win! You scared us! Can you come out now, _please_?"

Reid looked like he was about to have a heart-attack. "Morgan, the park is tiny- if they were hiding, it'd be obvious." A few winding paths led away from the park and around the corner, and Reid wondered if they'd wandered off. "Think they're there?" He asked, pointing. "Although, I doubt they are, considering they've been trained and know that it's far more likely to be attacked in a secluded area than-"

"Not helping," Morgan growled. "Okay, uh…split up. I'll look there, you look there."

Reid ran over to look by the swings, while Morgan frantically searched the few bushes by the slide. They met up less than 30 seconds later.

Morgan tried to stay calm. "We need to think where they could be. Option 1, they're hiding."

"As I pointed out to you before, if they were hiding we'd be able to see them."

"But there's only one other option!" Morgan was beside himself. "Hotch is gonna freak when he finds out we let them get kidnapped!"

Reid gulped. "Now that you mention it," he started quietly, "74% of kidnapped children are girls, so abduction does seem very plausible."

"Who would kidnap them? We're _right here _and we're both armed!"

"The unsub wouldn't know that," Reid answered. "And to answer your question, I'd assume it's a stranger kidnapping. Stranger kidnappings generally victimize females rather than males, occur at outdoor locations and are associated with sexual assaults in the case of girl victims and robberies in the case of boy victims, although not exclusively since-"

"Reid, I _know_! Would you stop implying that they're being raped right now and help me find them?"

"I am helping! As Sir Francis Bacon said, knowledge is power!" Reid defended, as Morgan flipped open his cell phone. "You'd better not be calling Hotch."

Morgan shook his head. "No, I value my life. I'm calling Garcia."

"Hello, my wonderfully wonderful man. What can I do for you?" Garcia's voice floated over as Morgan put her on speakerphone.

"Garcia, we kinda have a problem," Reid replied, taking the cell phone.

Garcia sounded confused. "Genius? What are you doing with my sugar plum? Is everything alright? Do you want me to call the head honcho?"

"No!" Reid shouted, a little louder than he'd intended. "Sorry. But, uh, see, the problem is that we sort of may have possibly been the cause, or at least one reason, for the occurrence of a very tragic but not completely definite-"

"Spit it out."

Morgan grabbed the phone. "We're at the park, and we can't find Emily or JJ."

"_WHAT?_" Garcia's voice reverberated through the phone, making it shake in Morgan's hand. "Which park? How did it happen?"

"Across the road. And we just, sort of, lost them." Morgan tried to explain.

"How. Do. You lose. Two. Children."

"They were here, and now they're not!" Reid said. "Look, can we maybe talk about this later and first try to find them?"

"What's your plan, babycakes?" Garcia was undeniably pissed, but she decided to put off the interrogation and torture until they found her girls.

Reid looked at Morgan sheepishly. "Well, I was hoping Morgan had one."

Morgan sighed. "Alright, Penelope, I called you because if I know you half as well as I think I do, you're already crossing the street to the park."

"Ten out of ten."

"So here's the deal. If the unsub's planning on killing them, he'll most likely do it in the next three hours."

"How comforting," Garcia murmured. "And what are the chances that he's planning on killing them?"

"High," Morgan answered before Reid could open his mouth to reel off specific numbers. "He's probably a stranger, and it was spur of the moment, which means it wasn't planned and probably not for money or leverage. Once you get here, we're gonna check out the CCTV footage from the nearby shops and see if you can find anything."

Garcia's voice came from behind them. "Sounds like a plan, angelfish." Reid and Morgan turned around in relief.

"Okay," Morgan instructed. "I'll look around for scuff marks in the sand or signs of a struggle. Garcia, you work your magic with the cameras. Reid, you talk to the other parents and describe them in the most detailed description you can possibly give."

"Okay. We'll find them if it's the last thing we do!" Garcia said as she walked off. Reid raised an eyebrow, turning to Morgan.

"Does that seem odd to you?"

"What?"

"Garcia's not running. And look at her hands, and the way she's walking- she's completely relaxed."

Morgan narrowed his eyes. "It's a set-up! She knows where they are!" He and Reid ran after Garcia, feeling relief beyond words. "Garcia! Penelope Garcia, the game is up! We know what you did."

Garcia stopped and turned to face them, a quizzical look gracing her features. "What would that be?" she asked innocently.

"You kidnapped them! No, you orchestrated their kidnapping…no, you hid them somewhere…I don't know what you did!" Morgan said, frustrated. "But you know where they are!"

"Do I?"

"Garcia, please tell us where they are," Reid begged. "Hotch will murder us!"

Garcia shook her head, her eyes dancing. "I don't know what you're talking about. But if I did, I'd say that maybe someone came to meet you at the park. And maybe that someone came just in time to see Emily try to jump off a swing while you two were arguing and not paying the slightest bit of attention. And it's very likely that that someone is not giving the girls back until you tell the bossman." She shrugged. "But, like I said, I have no clue about anything. Ciao!" She walked off, her blonde hair waving at them as she crossed the street back to the BAU.

"We. Are. So. Screwed," Morgan said, plopping down on the grass. Reid joined him glumly.

"Hotch will make us do all the paperwork for days," he agreed. "Not to mention, an accompanying lecture bound to last hours."

"Let's get this over with." Morgan decided, jumping up suddenly. "Come on."

Reid shot him a quizzical look, but didn't argue, following Morgan across the street. They entered the BAU and strode over to Hotch's office.

"Hotch!" Morgan said, rapping sharply on the door. "Open up! Quickly!"

"_Quick,_" Reid corrected.

Hotch looked up from his work in annoyance. Really! Those two couldn't handle a simple outing without help! He sighed and opened the door. "What is it?"

"Garcia kidnapped Emily and JJ!" Reid blurted out, ignoring Morgan's _What-the-hell-are-you-doing _look. "We were at the park, and she just took them! And now she won't give them back."

"They are not toys." Hotch pinched the bridge of his nose, flipping open his cell phone. "Garcia. I'd like to see you in my office, please. Now." As the other two tried to slip away, he shook his head. "You two stay here. I have a feeling I'm not hearing the whole story."

Garcia literally bounced into the office a few minutes later, grinning wildly. The grin faded when she saw Hotch's stern face.

"Garcia, if what Reid is telling me is true, you do realize I could have you arrested for the abduction of two minors?"

Garcia's mouth dropped open. "What? But- I- They agreed to come with me! I bought ice cream!"

Reid smirked slightly, pleased with himself. "Actually, a lot of child abductions are by family members during custodial battles. Whatever the case, taking a child from his or her parent or guardian without their consent, regardless of whether the abductor has the child's consent, is classified by the bureau as kidnapping."

"So you kidnapped them! Ha!" Morgan couldn't resist.

"But only because these two doofuses weren't paying attention to my little angels!" Garcia tried.

"Angels?" Morgan snorted. "More like devils."

"I have to agree with Morgan on that," Hotch said. "And when you say 'weren't paying attention', what do you mean, exactly?"

"I mean that Emily tried to stand on a swinging swing and jump off from ten feet in the air, simultaneously attempting to do a somersault and land perfectly on JJ's back." Garcia finished, out of breath. "To her credit, she executed it almost perfectly. And I took them and gave them ice cream and brought them to my office where they are now occupied with Looney Tunes."

Hotch folded his arms, glaring at Morgan and Reid. "I see."

At that moment, JJ and Emily were behind the door eavesdropping. Emily had filled in JJ on the mission to get Hotch's secret, and both had decided that now was the perfect time to auction it off. They pounded on the door. "FBI! Open the door!"

Hotch sighed, rubbing his temple. _This day just keeps getting better and better_, he thought sarcastically. He opened the door. "We are _all_with the FBI. What do you want?"

"Okay," Emily said as she pushed Reid off his chair, ignoring his protests. She stood on the chair and cleared her throat importantly. "We have an auction."

"An auction? Oooh! I'm in!" Garcia clapped her hands excitedly.

"I'd be in too, if I had a place to sit," Reid said loudly. He was standing next to JJ, who had pushed Hotch off his chair.

Emily rolled her eyes at him. "You be quiet. So, this auction is very, very special. I know some of you will be really interested in the particular item. Plus, all proceeds go to children."

Reid spoke up. "Chair-stealing children don't deserve money. Theft is frowned upon at any age and personally-" JJ climbed onto her chair and covered his mouth with both her hands.

"Okay. He's done."

Emily puffed herself up. "This is a really cool auction, because the item for sale is something amazing. Something three of you have only dreamed of. Something one of you will be shocked about. Something that all of you want badly, but only one of you will get." She thought for a second. "Actually, you could put your money together so you all get it. Anyways, this item...this amazing thing...this thing...is...drumroll, please!"

_Silence_.

JJ shrugged apologetically, both her hands covering Reid's mouth.

"I _said _drumroll, please!" Emily yelled.

Morgan rolled his eyes. "Boom boom boom," he said in a monotone.

"Hotch's deepest, darkest secret!"

Hotch groaned, covering his face with his hands. JJ beamed at him. Morgan, Reid and Garcia perked up, listening intently. There was an immediate, unspoken agreement between them to pool their life savings together to win.

"It's going for twenty...do I have twenty?"

"Whatever they say, I'll top it," Hotch announced.

Emily grinned. "They say two hundred. Do I have 210?"

He glared at her. "You little devil. Fine."

"215!" Morgan jumped up.

"215.25!" Hotch replied, smirking when he head Emily mutter 'Misers!'

"215.75!" Morgan followed Hotch's lead, determined to win while paying as little as possible.

"216!"

Garcia whispered something to Morgan and Reid, shooing JJ away so she couldn't hear. Finally she looked up. "Can we adjourn for today? And then maybe restart tomorrow?"

Emily considered for a moment, then shrugged. "Sure. So, we have Hotch in the lead by 25 cents. And if you don't start bidding properly, I'm gonna get JJ to..." Everyone in the room's eyes widened at the same time, and the room erupted in shouts.

"NO!" Morgan yelled, shaking his head.

"Yes! Yes, oh yes! My little super-spies!" Garcia said delightedly.

"I'm double oh JJ!" JJ yelled, jumping up and down. "I fight for good!"

"I'm sorry, what's going on?" Reid asked as Morgan and Garcia fought a tug-of-war with JJ as the rope and Emily cheering them on.

Hotch, who had reclaimed his chair, leaned back, watching the room of highly-trained FBI agents shrieking. "Emily and Garcia want JJ to get some of Morgan's secrets, so we can bid on his too." Finally having enough, he put two fingers in his mouth and let out a piercing whistle. "Enough! Everyone in the middle, please."

When they were all seated on the floor, looking remarkably like primary school children, Hotch smiled. "Now, seeing as the girls are living with us for the next few days, I see no problem if JJ accidentally stumbles upon something a little embarrassing belonging to Derek. All in agreement, raise your hands." Five hands raised. One hand smacked its owner's head. "When we bid, we bid for _both_ our secrets. Court adjourned. And get out of my office!"

They all scrambled out to the bullpen.

"Victory will be ours!" Garcia cried, running to brief JJ on how best to acquire Morgan's most embarrassing secret, while Morgan briefed Emily, secretly gloating that he had _two _kids in Hotch's house spying for him- Jack and Emily.

After a few minutes, everyone had almost settled down. Emily was on Morgan's lap, constantly being whispered new ideas as they came to him. Garcia was in Emily's desk chair. Reid was in his own chair, next to Morgan. JJ was shaking her fist at him.

"My seat! Get out!"

"It's not yours; it's mine. I sit here every day. If you want to sit, go sit in your own office," Reid replied, pretending to look over some files.

She shoved at him petulantly. No luck. "Please, Spence? Please?" she begged, changing tactics. " I'm so tired, and I just want to rest for one second." She made her puppy-dog eyes, which had a one hundred percent success rate.

Reid weakened. "Well…"

"Spence, please? Pretty please with a cherry on top and lots of sugar and stuff? Please?"

He relented. "Alright. Come on up here." He pulled her onto his lap, ignoring Morgan's chuckles.

"Hey Spence?"

"Yeah?" he asked, dreading her request.

"Can you tell me a story?"

Reid brightened. Stories were good. Stories he could do. "Alright. Which story would you like to hear?"

JJ bit her lip, thinking. Morgan moved his chair forward. "This I gotta see. Em, Penelope, come here and listen to this. Reid's telling a story!"

JJ finally looked up at Reid. "I don't know. What stories do you know?"

"Plenty. Let's see, would you like to hear Hamlet, Gone with the Wind, The Count of Monte Cristo, Jane Eyre, or maybe some war poems?" JJ's mouth dropped open. Hearing Morgan snicker, Reid quickly amended. "But how about a more childish book? The Life of Pi, perhaps?"

"You've _memorized _all of those?" JJ asked in shock. At his nod, she looked awe-struck.

"Come on, kid! Start the story!" Morgan said.

JJ looked unsure. "Do you know any normal stories?"

"Like what?"

"Cinderella! I love her."

"Ah, uh, sure." Reid fought to recall any mentions of fairytales he'd heard throughout his life. There was that story he'd heard the beginning of in kindergarten, before he'd been transferred to 6th grade. About bears, and porridge. And he'd heard references to tales throughout his life. Unfortunately, people don't tend to talk about children's' stories once they're past third grade, so he only knew the gists of a few stories. He remembered hearing things about red hoods, and evil people, and glass slippers, and mermaids, and a wolf, and something about an apple and a fairy godmother. That was enough though, right? He drew in a deep breath. He could do this. "Okay, um, once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a house far away. She lived with her evil stepmother and her evil step…" The drunk frat boy who'd been recounting Cinderella outside the boys' dorms during Reid's short stay there had passed out at this point. It was step-_something_, though, he knew.

"Sisters," JJ whispered helpfully. "Stepsisters."

"Right, I knew that." He made an attempt to laugh. "So, this girl, whose name was Cinderella, lived with her evil stepmother and evil stepsisters, who made her do horrible things, for example…" he opened his mouth to improvise and tell her about the evil things he'd seen people do to girls- Stepmother must have made Cinderella do _something_ from the long list- but he saw Morgan shake his head and make cut-throat gestures.

_Right, she's four. Uh…_ "…she made Cinderella…clean!" He made it up on the spot, trying to think of something horrible but relatively harmless. Morgan relaxed.

"And then?" JJ asked, while he was mentally patting himself on the back. Hotch joined the others outside in the bullpen, listening to the story in amusement.

"And then, at midnight, she turned into a pumpkin!"

_No, wait, that can't be right…people don't just turn into pumpkins. _But he'd definitely heard someone make a joke about feeling like turning from a pumpkin into Cinderella… and he of all people knew that his memory didn't lie. "So she turned into a pumpkin. Fortunately for her, her fairy godmother rescued her by…doing something magical. After that, Cinderella bumped into a little girl wearing a red hood." Or was it that Cinderella _was _the girl wearing the red hood? No, she had a different name. He smiled as he remembered. "The red girl was called Little Red Riding Hood."

_No, that's a different story! _He thought in panic. _Backtrack, backtrack. And hope no one notices. _Too late. Garcia and Morgan were stifling laughs, while Emily and JJ looked more confused than if Hotch had decided his true passion in life was ice dancing. "I mean, she didn't meet Little Red Riding Hood. She met Ariel." Yes, good. And he recalled a line word for word. "Ariel had skin pale as snow, and lips red as a rose. She was eating a blood-red apple. But the apple was poisoned! She fell to the floor, dead."

JJ's bottom lip quivered. Reid was horrified. _Of course she doesn't die! It's a fairytale! So what happens? _He thought quickly, unable to recollect any mentions of what happened after she ate the apple. He'd just assumed that she died. _It's poisoned; of course she died! I'm right. _He dismissed thoughts of any other outcome as improbable and therefore unlikely to happen. _So she's dead, how does she wake up! _He smiled as the thought came to him.

"But since the ever-resourceful Cinderella was right there, she knew what to do! She called poison control, and they were able to locate the antidote in time. So Ariel lived. After that, they went swimming in the ocean, where Ariel found out that on her 16th birthday, she would prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die! Also, on her 16th birthday, she would get to have a glimpse of land…" No wait, she was already on land! "I mean, they met another girl called Aurora who saw land on her 16th birthday."

Morgan bashed his head against his desk, while Garcia had her mouth clenched shut to keep from laughing out loud. Even Hotch's lips quirked upwards.

Reid tried to ignore them, remembering a bird. "And, uh, on the way back they met a bird that laid golden eggs and a boy called Jack. Jack had stolen the bird from a…a witch." He made that up.

_What's next? Come on, Spencer, it's a children's story! Just improvise and make it all up. _The witch would be mad. So what would she do? She would curse them! He almost laughed as he remembered a curse.

"But the witch was so angry that she made them all sleep for a hundred years. They woke up because, uh, their days were a hundred years long because they were on a different planet and so they woke up as usual in the morning."

There. He chose the most scientifically accurate explanation he could think of. "Anyway, they woke up and they met a prince who wanted a kiss so he could be a frog…" As Morgan and Garcia erupted into fits of uncontrollable laughter, he'd had enough. "And they lived happily ever after, the end," he finished in a rush.

"That was a horrible story," JJ said simply.

"Well, it's not my fault! I never had the whole fairytale experience."

"Yeah, he was read Valentine's poems." Garcia snorted.

Emily decided that too much attention was on Reid. "Hey, did Garcia tell you about what I did at the park today?"

Hotch nodded. "She did. Apparently you somersaulted off a swing onto JJ's back? And it was extremely dangerous. I don't want you doing anything of that sort again, ever. Am I understood?"

She nodded glumly.

"Uh, just out of curiosity," said Morgan, "Did you stick the landing?"

"Morgan!" Hotch said sternly as Emily nodded.

"What? I was just asking. Hey, midget, do you think you could do it again?"

"Morgan!"

**XXX**

**That's all for today, folks. And no bar scene, sorry. That's coming next! =)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters. **

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**mummacass (did I spell that right?) Thank you! I really appreciated your message, and you taking the time to send one. =)**

**CAFBOV Haha, I'm tempted...**

**Ms. Stery Thank you, and I hope everything is alright with you now =)**

**Wizard-in-Disguise Thanks, and I hope your mom's fine now and she stays that way =)**

**Also, I've decided what I'm going to do about pairings...and it will make EVERYONE happy. Well, almost everyone. I hope so, anyway. And no, it's not no pairings. **

**XXX**

"I'm tired," Morgan announced. "Anyone want to head to a club?"

Garcia raised an eyebrow. "You're tired, so naturally the most obvious choice is to spend the night partaking in activities including, but not limited to dancing energetically and getting a little action?"

"Exactly. And you're all coming with me."

Hotch looked at them. "You know, I think we could all use a little down time. Where should we go?" He gave an inconspicuous eye roll towards the girls.

"Sitter?"

"Excuse me," Emily piped up from her spot on the floor of the bullpen, where she was coloring. "If you're going to a bar or a club, I'm coming too. And so's JJ."

"That narrows down our options," Hotch said.

Morgan wiggled his eyebrows. "Oh no it doesn't. I know this great place that technically allows kids in, but probably shouldn't."

"Perfect! Let's go!" Garcia rubbed her hands together excitedly. Hotch started to object, but she cut him off. "Oh, come on! It's highly unlikely that there will be anything there that they haven't seen before."

Hotch knew he really shouldn't allow it, but then, it _was_ a place that allowed kids in, so what harm could there possibly be? And they _had _seen it all before.

Two hours later, he found out exactly why Morgan had chosen this particular club. The place, Jay's Corner, was situated in a quiet part of town, surrounded by colleges and offices. There were no other bars or clubs within 50 miles, and apparently the students and various office workers all chose to come to Jay's that particular night, bringing their friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, and the entire town with them.

"Morgan, this isn't really suitable," Reid said nervously as they sat on barstools. JJ and Emily were completely engrossed in watching a couple groping each other.

"Relax! I told you, kids come in here all the time. The guy who owns this place wants as much business as possible, so he looks the other way when certain...activities take place." Morgan sipped his drink leisurely, leaning back to survey the many dancing ladies. He was in his element, that much was obvious.

A woman dressed in a mini skirt and tank top approached them, her face caked in make-up, eyeing the men hungrily, predator-like. "Hey, gorgeous, I'm Janie. Want to dance?"

Morgan opened his mouth to answer, but the woman moved past him to lay her hand on Hotch's chest. JJ, Emily, Reid, Rossi and Garcia were in hysterics at Morgan's befuddled expression.

"Thank you, but I'm good," Hotch said, as he brushed her hand away. Janie pouted, but moved away, her eyes darting to Morgan.

"Hello, Morgan." She smiled at him.

"Hey, Janie." At the others' enquiring looks, he added, "We dated for a bit a little while ago. How you doing?"

"I'm fine. But I could be better..." she said suggestively, her hand trailing up his collar. JJ made puke noises.

"I don't know..." He half-heartedly tried to push her away. She moved her body closer, biting his ear.

"Just one dance?" She was trying to sound sexy and husky, but she only succeeded in making herself sound like she'd just woken up. Well, either that, or she was naturally born with a voice like a guy's. "And then, maybe, you can take me back to yours for a once in a lifetime experience..."

Emily rolled her eyes, climbing onto the empty bar stool next to Morgan. "Hey Janie, know what else is a once- in-a-lifetime experience?" she asked sweetly.

Janie leaned back, a little surprised at being addressed by a child. "What?"

Emily brought her face close to the older woman's. "Death."

"Emily!" Hotch said disapprovingly, although if his internal thoughts were represented by a cartoon figure, it'd be rolling on the floor laughing right now.

"Who is she?" Janie wanted to know.

"I'm one of his six foster children," Emily stated matter-of-factly. "Mom thinks he's seeing other people, so she makes him take a few of us with him wherever he goes."

"Derek, you never mentioned anything about a wife. Or children," Janie said with a voice like steel, crossing her arms.

"That's because I don't have any! She's just joking." Morgan glared at Emily, who grinned at him. "Shut up, midget."

"Are you sure?" Janie asked, her suspicions aroused. "Because when we were dating, you were almost never around."

"That's because of my job! Come on, baby, you don't think I'd lie to you?"

JJ chose that moment to clamber off her chair, coming up to Janie and tugging on the woman's bag to make her look down. "I'm her sister. Mommy said, if Daddy kisses anyone else, she's gonna leave him. And then we'll all be taken away! I like my home." She sucked her thumb, her shoulders drooping dramatically. "I don't wanna leave!"

"They're lying! I'm not married! Do I seem like the type of person to foster kids?"

"He does it for the money," Emily said in a very theatrical whisper.

"I can't believe you'd do something like that!" Janie debated whether to slap Morgan or not, and finally decided against it- she didn't want to break a nail, after all. "I'm going to tell Cindy and Louis and Tasha and Pat and Molly and all those other girls you hang out with! How dare you!"

"But- I- Wait! Janie! It's not true!" Morgan called after her desperately as she stormed off, her heels clicking on the floor. "You. Two. Are. So. Dead!"

Emily sipped her apple juice. "Help, Janie! Daddy's trying to kill us!"

"Now that," Rossi said, "I wish I had on tape."

Reid stood up, brushing imaginary dust off his pants. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go find some fellow Star Trek fans to make a little extra money."

Morgan grabbed the back of his shirt. "Uh-uh, kid. You won't be finding any of those here. This place is strictly for people who know nada about geeky things."

"Says the guy who quotes Kurt Vonnegut," Emily put in.

"And _you_, I think you've said enough," Morgan said.

"I wanna dance! Come on!" JJ pulled Garcia into the midst of moving bodies.

"You see? The four year old knows how to have more fun than you do." Morgan's tone was teasing, and Reid smiled, accepting what he said.

They drank and danced almost the entire night away. Even Reid and Hotch were dragged onto the dance floor a few times. During the car ride back, Morgan leaned back in his seat, sighing. He turned around to look at JJ, Emily, Reid, Hotch and Garcia, who had all somehow managed to squish into the back seat when Morgan called shotgun. Rossi was designated driver.

"So, I have a proposal to make," Morgan said.

JJ perked up. "You're getting married?" she asked, leaning forward in excitement.

He laughed. "No, shrimp. I meant I have a...proposition. And I think you're going to like it."

"And I think I'm not," Hotch said suspiciously.

Morgan ignored him. "Guess who's going to have a sleepover at Hotch's tomorrow?" He injected enthusiasm into his voice, making it seem like he was doing JJ a favour.

"Is it me? Is it me?" JJ jumped up and down on her seat. "Is it? I want to!"

"Well..." Morgan pretended to think, enjoying the cut-throat gestures and threatening Hotch was sending his way. "You'd have to be a good girl..."

"I will! I promise! Please can it be me? Please?"

"No waking me up tonight? Or early in the morning when I'm sure to have a hangover?"

"Promise! Cross my heart!" she promised, doing the action. "So can it be me?"

"Well...alright. I guess so."

JJ squealed in delight, turning to make plans with Emily. Hotch leaned forward so Morgan could hear his lowered voice. "How is it that you get a good night's sleep, a peaceful morning, a day without kids, _and _you still managed to make her think you were doing her a favour?"

"I'm just that good," Morgan said, grinning widely.

**XXX**

**A/N: Random thought of the chapter: I love Will- I think he's a really sweet guy. But is it just me, or does anyone else think that, especially when he has that slight beard, he looks EVIL? Like you could completely imagine him as the unsub in an episode, if he wasn't already introduced as Will? Kind of like the guy from Our Darkest Hour- He just. Looks. So. Evil! Just me?**

**And I'm sorry, I know that this chapter is short. But I was working on my other story, which should be updated sometime in the next two days.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, or any of the characters. **

**Random thought of the chapter: I just watched Matthew Gray Gubler: The Unauthorized Documentary again on youtube, and I found it funny and thought, since almost ALL CM fans love MGG, to tell anyone who doesn't know, even though it's quite old (from around 2 yrs ago). It's quite funny, especially (part 4 I think) with AJ and Paget and pregnancy =)**

**XXX**

The next morning, Morgan couldn't help but smirk as he dropped JJ off at Hotch's house. Since it was a Saturday, they had the day off, which meant _he _could laze about at home, sleeping off his hangover. If JJ hadn't been so excited, he was sure she would have been quite offended at his very obvious elation to have her out of the house.

Pulling up by Hotch's driveway, he turned around from the front seat, not even bothering to hide his impatience. "Alright, we're here...bye, shrimp. Be good. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning." He helped- or rather pushed- her out of the car and up Hotch's driveway, lifting her up to ring the doorbell with barely-contained glee. "Don't cause any trouble, or I'll leave you at home with a babysitter tomorrow instead of taking you to the BAU. And listen," he bent down to whisper in her ear as he heard Hotch unlocking the door, "If you want to stay a few extra days, I'm cool with it. Okay? Don't hesitate to call. Really."

"Good morning JJ." Hotch smiled down at her. His expression hardened when his eyes met Morgan's, and he shot his team member a dirty look. "Morgan."

"Hey, Hotch." Honestly, he was having a hard time not rubbing it in. Passing JJ's bag to Hotch with a rather snide "Have fun!", he ran to his car and sped off before Hotch could say a word.

"Jack! Emily! JJ's here!" Hotch called. To JJ, he asked, "Did you bring your pajamas?" When she nodded, he took her bag and ushered her into his living room, where a very excited Jack and Emily were waiting.

"Hi! I'm Jack!" His son introduced himself, radiating enthusiasm. Emily grabbed JJ and the two kids dragged her up to Jack's room, which Hotch was grateful for. He rubbed his head and fell back onto the couch while Emily and Jack briefed JJ upstairs.

"I'm Pillow; she's Clock. You can be Mattress. Now," Jack started importantly while JJ took a seat on his bed. "Dad's been watching us really carefully since _she_," he frowned at Emily, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor, "told him about our plan. But I found this…" He threw _Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus_ onto his bed.

"And now you're here, one of us can distract him while the other two look for more stuff," Emily finished. "Okay?"

JJ inspected her fingers to see how far they could bend backwards without breaking. "That's boring."

Both Emily and Jack looked affronted. "Is not!"

"Is too! I bet I could think of something way more fun."

Jack, offended at her insult, challenged her. "Oh yeah? What do _you _want to do?"

She shrugged, tracing the patterns on Jack's Star Wars quilt. "We could mix some stuff together to see if it explodes. Or we could make potions. Or wrestle. Or paint your room. Or go outside and turn your sprinklers on. Or play with SuperSoakers or water balloons or water guns filled with orange juice and fizzy drinks or-"

"Fine, we get it." Jack was annoyed that her ideas sounded far more entertaining than his and Emily's. "Anyways, we don't have any sprinklers." He was determined to point out any flaws he could find.

JJ saw right through him. "But do you have water guns? And coke? And- ooooh!" Her eyes went wide. "Let's make a coke rocket!"

Emily agreed excitedly. "Yeah! I have some mentos in my bag from flying on the plane when we...when we went to that place." She didn't want to let slip that they'd been flying to South Virginia to apprehend a criminal.

Jack crossed his arms, even more irritated now that Emily was on JJ's side. "Sorry. Daddy doesn't let me take out whole bottles of coke from the fridge. He says I get hyper when I drink too much fizzy drinks."

"Don't be chicken," JJ said, fixing him with a steely glare. "Emily can distract him while you and me get the coke. And also any extra stuff."

"Like what?"

"I don't know…anything that looks like it'll be fun to shoot into our hair. Like maple syrup!"

"Fine," Jack said grudgingly. He didn't like being shown up, but he had to admit that her plan sounded fun. "JJ, you go distract Dad, and me and Emily can sneak into the kitchen."

"What?" JJ protested. "Why me?"

"Because you're younger, so haha," Emily replied smugly.

JJ scowled at her. "So what?"

"So you have to distract Hotch."

"No I don't!" JJ yelled.

"Yes you do!" Emily retorted.

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

"I'LL DECIDE!" Jack shouted, cutting them both off. He stood on his bed. "Emily, you whisper in my ear why you should get to come with me, and JJ whisper in my ear after. Okay? Emily, you're up."

Emily leaned up and said in a low voice, "Because I'm older. And I won't make noise and put the mission at risk. And plus, she can fake cry, so if she goes to Hotch we'll have more time."

Jack nodded approvingly. "Very good. That's going to be hard to beat. JJ, your turn."

JJ, who had heard every word, was glowering. She climbed onto the bed stonily, standing on her tiptoes to whisper in Jack's ear. "I can tell you stuff."

Jack was intrigued. "Like what?"

JJ made sure Emily couldn't hear her. "Stuff no one in your class will know yet. Cool stuff."

"Like _what_?" Jack asked again, getting impatient.

"Like stuff about bras. And swear words in different languages. In English, too"

There was a pause. Then: "Aaaand we have a winner! JJ's with me!"

Emily groaned, although she accepted the decision. She cautiously followed the other two downstairs, where Hotch was in his study going over some reports. The way his desk was angled meant he could see straight into both the living room and the hallway leading to kitchen, and she suspected he'd put it that way on purpose.

"Okay, you have to keep him facing the window for a little while," Jack instructed as he and JJ waited by the stairs. "We just need to cross the hallway to the kitchen. Then he can't see us."

Emily nodded, walking up to the study. "Hey, Hotch," she said as she entered the room. Hotch was sitting facing the door, with his back to a window.

"Emily? What are you doing here?" he asked, not looking up from the papers. "Did you need something?"

"Uh, yes." She tried to think of something that would make him have to turn his back to the door. "I wanted to sit in the chair! The wheely chair."

He got up slowly, looking strangely at her. "You have your own at work."

"I want this one!" She injected a whine into her voice, and he moved to let her sit. "Now stand there!" she ordered, pushing him in front of the desk so he was facing her and the window behind her. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw JJ and Jack sneak into the kitchen, and she relaxed.

_Now to make sure he doesn't see them when they're going back upstairs. _

She decided, seeing as she was already sitting down, she might as well make the most of the chair while she waited for them to get the loot. She kicked her legs around, enjoying the dizzy feeling she got as the chair spun around. Hotch was watching her, looking suspicious.

"I think I'm going to get some water," he said finally. Emily leaped up from the chair.

"No!" At his raised eyebrow, she amended, "I meant, uh, I'd rather you didn't." She walked to the door, blocking him from leaving.

"And why is that?"

"I, uh…" She thought quickly, trying to think of both a good excuse _and _a reason for all the stammers and hesitations. He was a seasoned profiler, after all. But so was she. "It's embarrassing, so I don't want to tell you."

Hotch fell for it, believing her hesitations were not because she was lying, but because she was avoiding the subject. "It's alright…you can tell me," he said gently.

"Uh, see, it's like this. I, um, I had…OCD, as a kid. And I think I have it now." She figured Jack and JJ would have finished by now, and knew she had to get Hotch facing the window again. "It was an obsession with birds and three. I saw a bird outside through that window when I was coming in to the room, and now I can't find any more and if I don't find two more birds I can't leave the room and neither can you so I need to find two more because if I don't…" She injected just the right amount of hysteria and panic into her voice to make it believable.

_Never let it be said that Emily Prentiss is not a good actress, _she thought triumphantly as Hotch's suspicion melted away.

"I'm sorry, Emily, I didn't know. How can I help?"

"Could you help me look?" She asked, with the perfect mixture of embarrassment and vulnerability.

"Of course I could." Hotch accompanied her to the window, surveying the street to find a bird.

_Yes!_ she thought. From her peripheral vision, she saw JJ scurry across the hall, arms laden with various items. She was quickly followed by Jack, who was carrying two SuperSoakers and a pack of balloons. Suddenly, JJ popped into the living room and ran back to the kitchen, empty-handed. She subtly turned her body to face the living room without Hotch noticing, and then raised an eyebrow at Jack, who was waiting by the stairs and attempting to juggle all of JJ's items, which she had apparently dumped on him, along with his own.

"She forgot something," he mouthed at her before slowly starting to climb the stairs.

_Damn it JJ! _Emily thought, _Hurry up!_

Luckily, Hotch was still looking out the window and didn't notice anything. "I can hear one…ah! There it is! Well, look at that. Two of them- a couple, probably. Must be your lucky day." He smiled at her.

She grinned back weakly. "Thanks, Hotch."

_What the hell is JJ doing? I can't keep him occupied forever!_

"Well, you spun on the chair and you found your birds. Can I get some water now?" Hotch looked expectantly at her, waiting for an answer. Emily paled as she saw JJ's hand waving from the kitchen doorway, signaling that she was still in the kitchen.

Hotch, tired of waiting, turned around to leave.

"NO!" She threw her arms around him, twisting him back around. "I didn't say thank you!"

_Move it JJ! _she thought desperately as the younger girl walked back across the hall at a snail's pace, pausing to inspect the scene in front of her: Emily clinging to their boss, glaring daggers at her.

Hotch dubiously returned Emily's hug then tried to extract himself, but she held fast, refusing to let him go.

"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me! Thank you! Oh, you have no idea how much this means to me! You're the best! Thank you _so _much!" JJ disappeared up the stairs. "Alright, I have to go now, bye!"

Hotch watched her carefully as she raced out of the room.

Upstairs, Emily buried her face in her hands. "That was so embarrassing! I'm never gonna be able to face him again."

"That was funny," JJ told her, as Jack busied himself wit Emily's bag, trying to find the packet of mentos. Finally he located it in a side pocket, and put it down next to the bottle of Diet Coke.

"Now what?" he asked JJ, handing her the two items.

"Tape."

He rummaged around in his desk drawer, pulling out a roll of scotch tape and a small container.

JJ quickly unscrewed the cap of the diet coke, being careful not to spill anything. Then she stuck two mentoses onto the tape.

"Only two?" Emily interjected. "Won't it be more explosion-y if there's more?"

JJ cocked her head to one side. "I never thought of that. Let's use ten." She added eight more to the piece of tape, carefully sticking it to the inside of the bottle cover so it was dangling from the top. Leaning back to survey her work, she smiled in satisfaction. "Done."

Emily leaned over, examining it. "But you left the cap off."

"We put that on later."

Jack pried open the lid of the container in his hand and took out three needles. He passed one to Emily and tried to give one to JJ, but she refused.

"What's this for?" Emily asked, gingerly taking it.

"Just in case Daddy comes. If he catches us, you gotta poke yourself to make tears come." He demonstrated on himself. "Then he won't be so mad."

JJ shook her head vehemently, backing away from the offered needle like it was burning. "I don't need it. I can fake cry."

"This works better." Jack held it out to her.

She didn't take it. "But it'll hurt!"

"That's the _point._" Jack forced the needle into her hand. She stared at it, lying innocently in the palm of her hand.

"I don't wanna hurt myself!"

Jack sighed, grabbing the needle from her hand and passing it to Emily. "Fine. Emily will poke you, okay?" He thought for a second. "Maybe that's a good idea. We can poke each other! So we'll poke harder, and cry more." He looked pleased with himself. "So if we stand in a line, JJ pokes Emily, and Emily pokes her back, and she pokes me too. Okay?"

Emily rolled her eyes at JJ. "You know how Hotch thinks too much? Jack is fifty times worse." To Jack, she said "We're not going to get caught. So are we doing this or not?"

JJ frowned. "Your room is too small; we need more space. Where's the biggest room?"

"Daddy's room. It's _huge_!"

They trailed after him to Hotch's room, clutching their needles and the coke bottle. It didn't even occur to any of them to go outside, nor did any of them consider the fact that Hotch might even allow them to make coke rockets, as long as they did it safely in a wide space where no one could get hurt- namely, not in Hotch's room.

A sense of anticipation and nervousness crept over them- now that they were in Hotch's room, making rockets had gone from 'Maybe Hotch is okay with it' to 'Hotch will most definitely not be okay with this'.

JJ assembled everything at one end of the room, which _was _big, for a master bedroom. Then she waved her hands at Jack and Emily to move back.

"Why do you get to be near it?" Jack asked obstinately.

"Because my daddy told me it's dangerous. He made me stand back," JJ replied, double-checking the tape.

Jack didn't give up. "So why do you get to be near it then?" he repeated.

"Because I've done it before- well, I watched my daddy do it. So I know what I'm doing."

"Maybe you heard wrong," Emily suggested. "What's dangerous about coke flying everywhere? He probably just didn't want you to get all wet."

JJ shrugged. "Okay. We can all stand and throw it together."

The three of them shuffled into something resembling a line, their backs to the wall.

"On three," Jack ordered. "One…two…" They raised the bottle high above their heads, just as Hotch entered the room. He took the situation in at a glance, and looked horrified. They didn't notice him. "Three!"

Hotch felt as if everything was happening in slow motion. The bottle sailed through the air. He leaped at the kids, grabbing their shoulders, forcing them onto the ground and covering them with his torso as the bottle hit the floor and exploded, bits of plastic and jets of coke shooting everywhere. A large hunk of sharp, broken plastic ricocheted off the opposite wall to the exact place where Jack's head had been a second ago.

Once he was sure the plastic had finished flying around, Hotch slowly lifted his head to examine the damage, speechless. His entire bedroom was covered in coke and plastic. A trail of the dark liquid was dripping onto the dresser from where it had collected in a jug already overflowing with water. _Dripping…dripping is the perfect word to describe it_, he thought.

Because everywhere was dripping. The bed, the dresser, the closet, the bedside table…and the carpet! His beautiful carpet was ruined! Usually not one to care much about furniture or household items, even Hotch was furious at the state the room was in. Suddenly he felt a nudge.

"Can you get off us now?" JJ. He gritted his teeth as he slowly and deliberately moved himself off of them.

"I wouldn't be rude if I were you, young lady," he growled. "Get up, all of you. _Now._"

They cautiously got up, eyeing him warily and standing shoulder to shoulder. There was an odd scuffle when they first got up; it seemed Jack wanted Emily to stand in the middle for some reason. He ignored it, taking deep breaths to calm himself. They were making strange motions with their hands, which were partially hidden, but Hotch didn't comment. No, he was too focused on his room_, which was currently soaking wet and covered in bits of plastic and diet coke. _

"What," he said through gritted teeth, "is the meaning of this?" They stared blankly at him. "What were you doing?" he exploded. "Don't you know how dangerous this is? Have you any idea what would happen if a piece of plastic got embedded in your eye?"

"We were making coke rockets, Daddy." His son sniffled, and Hotch sighed. Damn kids and their damn tears! It made it so much harder to be angry.

"I know that." He tried to infuse the furiousness and outrage he'd felt only seconds before into his voice. "What I meant was, _why _didn't you ask me first, why did you do it indoors, and_ what_ possessed you to do it IN MY ROOM?" His voice rose to a shout at the end, making JJ flinch and jump slightly.

"Ow!" Emily yelped as JJ dug the needle into her ribs, hard. As Hotch's stony gaze met hers, she reddened, and struggled to explain. "I mean, how! How could we have done something like that? We just weren't thinking…we're so sorry!" Her eyes filled with water as JJ stabbed her again, although not as hard. Hotch wanted to scream. If it was hard being angry with one crying kid, it was doubly difficult with two.

"You're right, Emily!" He tried to sound upset, but firm. "Howcould you do something like this? In MY ROOM, of all places! Whose idea was this?"

"Mine," JJ admitted, fidgeting. Emily gave her a sidelong glance, decided she wasn't upset enough, and jabbed her a few times with the needle. She poked Jack once, too, for good measure. JJ's bottom lip quivered, and a tear trailed down her cheek. "I'm sorry, Hotch! I'm sorry! Please don't be mad at me!"

Hotch seriously considered bashing his head against the wall. Now JJ was crying too! He tried to sound even a tiny bit stern. "I'm not mad at you. I'm disappointed in you. I'm disappointed because you didn't ask my permission, and I'm upset that my room is a mess, and I'm sad because I'll have to sleep on the couch tonight, and I'm also a little bit angry because I'm going to have to pay for cleaners to come and clean my room tomorrow, and it will be expensive." The three of them looked down, heads hanging, and a few of the fake tears mixed with a few real tears. "Now I don't know what to do with you. What do you think I should do?"

"You could give us some ice cream?" JJ offered, seeming perfectly serious. He didn't even bother acknowledging that.

"Or maybe let us off with a warning?" Jack suggested.

The problem was, Hotch had asked because he honestly had no idea. He didn't believe in spankings, and he couldn't really take away pocket money or ground them, seeing as JJ and Emily didn't get an allowance, and neither girl would mind very much if he took away their TVs for a week. It wouldn't be fair for Jack to get his pocket money taken away, while JJ and Emily walked away free. And although it was tempting, getting them to clean the house would probably result in more breakages than benefits. Finally, he settled on a time out. Simple, slightly too old for Jack and Emily, but effective nonetheless. It wasn't that fair to JJ, who definitely hated staying still, but it was all he could come up with.

He glanced at the children, who were waiting nervously for the verdict. "Alright, ten minutes in the corner. Jack, in the living room, in the corner near my study. JJ, corner near the couch. Emily, corner nearest to the kitchen. No talking to each other or moving, or I add time."

Relief, and some disbelief washed over their faces. "That's it?" Emily asked.

Jack, however, groaned miserably. "You haven't given me a time out in, like, five months!"

"And I'm giving you one now. Move," Hotch ordered firmly. He escorted them down to the living room, deposited them in their respective places, set an egg timer for ten minutes, and fell onto the sofa wearily, rubbing his temple. And to think, he had a night and part of a day left!

Jack shifted his weight from one foot to the other, but stayed quiet. He was, in general, a very calm person, and he had no trouble remaining in one place for a few minutes. Emily fidgeted, but didn't move from her corner. JJ, however, was a completely different story. She was tracing patterns on the wallpaper, and she kept twisting her head around to look at him.

"Eight minutes left. JJ, stop that or I'm adding two minutes to yours." She dropped her hands.

Thirty seconds later, he heard her muttering to herself. "JJ, what are you doing?"

She hesitated before replying. "Talking."

"Two more minutes."

She spun around. "But you didn't say no talking!"

He calmly walked to her and turned her so she was facing the corner again. "I did."

"No, you said no talking to each other. I was telling _myself _a story, so it doesn't count!"

He rolled his eyes. "Nice try, but I made myself perfectly clear. No talking. At all."

He went back to the sofa. Twenty later, he heard a weird, high-pitched noise. It increased slowly but steadily in volume until he could make out the tune to the chicken dance. "JJ!"

"I'm humming!"

Emily and Jack sniggered.

"Quiet, you two. And JJ, I'm adding another minute. You now have _three _minutes more than Jack and Emily."

She pouted and crossed her arms, but didn't argue. He looked at his watch- five minutes left. Eight for JJ. He sighed and leaned back, half-closing his eyes. This day was turning out worse than he thought it would. At least, he comforted himself, the house hadn't blown up yet. And none of the kids were dead or injured yet.

_The keyword being yet, _he thought. He looked over at Jack, who had zoned off, probably day dreaming. Emily looked bored out of her mind, and was staring dully at the wall. JJ…JJ was shaking her bottom, sinking down to the ground and back up, and flapping her arms wildly. When she started to clap, he cut in. "JJ!"

"What?" she protested.

"You're doing the chicken dance."

"You didn't say no dancing! And I was singing it quietly, in my head!"

He didn't say anything except "One more minute", suspecting she was just doing it to have an excuse to talk. A few minutes passed, and the egg timer beeped loudly. "Alright, time's up! You can go play in the garden while you wait for JJ."

Emily ran out, but Jack stopped for a second, his forehead wrinkled as he tried to remember something. Finally he went to his father. "Vous etes une pomme de terre avec le visage d'un cochon d'inde. And also, merde." Quite literally, you are a potato with the face of a guinea pig, and also, shit. Hotch, who spoke fluent French, stared at his son until Jack ran off, figuring out that Hotch knew at least part of what he'd said.

JJ was attempting to sneak away without his noticing, but he grabbed her arm and led her back. "And _you_ can park yourself over there for four more minutes. And let me guess, it was you and possibly Emily who taught him that?" She nodded, apparently quite proud of herself. He shook his head, going back to the sofa and checking his watch.

Ten seconds passed. JJ huffed and wiggled her shoulders around. Hotch told her to stop. JJ asked if she could talk. Hotch said no.

Ten more seconds passed. JJ experimented with different volumes and pitches of tongue-clicking. Hotch told her to stop. She asked if she could talk. He said no.

Another ten seconds passed. She was banging her head against the wall in boredom and frustration. Hotch very firmly told her to stop. He answered her question before she could ask it.

When she had three minutes left, Hotch saw that she was jiggling around and squirming, and he relented. "Fine, you can talk."

"Thank you!" She started to chatter excitedly. "I think we're going to have lots of fun today! We already had lots of fun. Except for messing up your room," she added hurriedly when she caught a glimpse of his expression. "That wasn't fun. But I did that coke rocket thing before, with _my _daddy. And it went really high! I think we should try again only-"

"JJ," he cut her off. "I will ask questions, and you will answer. Why did Jack call me a potato?"

She flushed. "Uh, I kinda told him."

"You told him how to, or you told him to call me one?"

"How to." She relaxed infinitesimally, and, not for the first time in his life, he thanked his lucky stars he was a profiler.

"What else?"

"Huh?"

"What else did you tell him?"

JJ shifted nervously. "Um, I told him swearing in Spanish and Arabic. But Emily taught me!" At his raised eyebrow, she sighed and admitted, "When I was older. But still, she told me first."

"I see." He decided to change the subject, seeing as he'd found out all he could. "What were you planning to do next? Run it by me first. If I approve, you may do it."

JJ brightened. "We were going to paint Jack's room!"

_Oh, Lord, no_. "Not happening. Next!"

"We were going to wrestle. And I was thinking we could have a battle. With weapons and stuff."

Creative, he mused. "Weapons?"

She shrugged, turning around to face him and leaning against the corner. "Hairbrushes and towels and hairdryers."

"Next."

"But-"

"Next!"

"Fine," she huffed. "Potions."

He considered. "Does that involve mixing various bathroom items?"

JJ paused. "…kinda."

"Next."

"Water guns!" He could tell she thought there was no way he could refuse this. "Filled with different stuff!"

That sounded alright. Except for the vague 'different stuff'. "What does 'different stuff' mean, exactly?" he asked.

She bounced on her heels enthusiastically. "Maple syrup and orange juice and fizzy-"

"Next!"

"Jump from the balcony onto a trampoline."

_Dream on. _"We don't have a trampoline. And don't you dare say jump onto the grass," he added, before she could open her mouth. "Next!"

And the ideas kept coming. He had to hand it to her- she was like a Fun-but-extremely-dangerous-and-messy-ideas generator. Eventually his egg timer rang, and JJ hopped up and down excitedly.

"Can I go? Can I go? Please? Please?"

"Go on. Jack knows where the water guns are!" he called after her. She turned around and gave him a big smile. "But only water!"

**XXX**

**A/N: If you want to read something, tell me. Someone already sent me a PM wanting Gideon's reappearance and someone else wants Morgan taking care of a sick JJ, so I'm trying to work those in. Any ideas, let me know. I love hearing them, and it gets faster updates too, because I don't have to sit around waiting for inspiration.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**

**A/N: I just watched the season six premiere. And you know when I said a few chapters back that Will looks evil? Take it back. So take it back. The Prince of Darkness is the evil one. And, to reviewers, your thoughts on season six, if you've seen it?**

**XXX**

Hotch's finger rested on the trigger, ready to shoot at any moment. He heard a scuffle, and he tensed, reflexes in overdrive. Cautiously walking around the house to where the sound was coming from, he leaped into the backyard, gun held high.

"FBI! Freeze!"

JJ, Emily and Jack stopped mid-fight, staring at him. Their confused expressions quickly turned into realization, and then glee as he squirted them with orange juice.

He had watched the kids spray each other with water through the screen in the kitchen. After a few minutes, he'd decided that since they had this weekend off with a no-cases guarantee, he might as well enjoy it with Jack. Well, that was what he told himself, anyway. The real reason was that he'd found he had warmed up to the orange juice idea, and he had quickly filled a SuperSoaker with juice from the fridge, tiptoeing around the back of the house so as not to alert them to his presence.

Emily threw a water balloon at Hotch's head, and the fight was on. He pointed his gun at her and pelted her full-force, covering her hair and clothes in orange juice.

Shrieking with laughter, she lunged at him, distracting him while Jack grabbed the garden hose and crept up behind his father. Emily and Hotch were still shooting each other with orange juice and water when JJ turned on the garden tap, sending a huge spray of ice-cold water onto Hotch's back, drenching him.

"Wh- I- How? You!" he spluttered, turning around and running after Jack and JJ, who dashed away, giggling madly. Eventually he caught up to them and dragged them down onto the grass, easily wrestling the hose from them and spraying them with the freezing water. "Who is the king of water fights?"

A chorus of "You! You!" was heard, and Hotch decided to let them go, with one extra squirt in the face for good measure.

They played all day, and even used some of JJ's tamer ideas, much to her delight. After rinsing off in the backyard, they went inside and ate home-made chocolate sundaes, finger-painted and went to the park where they had mud fights and played soccer. Hotch even allowed them to wrestle, as long as they wore elbow pads, knee pads, gloves and helmets and stayed on the grass under his strict supervision at all times. Hotch had the foresight to call the cleaners before they went to the park, so he could have his own comfy bed at night.

At dusk, they started to walk back home, tired and worn out. Hotch was trying to figure out the sleeping arrangements.

"Jack, do you want to sleep in my bed with me, and then Emily can sleep on your bed and JJ on your trundle?" he asked.

Jack shook his head. "No. Your bed isn't bouncy enough and plus I don't want to sleep in the same room as you!"

Hotch let it slide, knowing from past experiences when to pick his battles. "Alright, then. JJ, are you okay on your own in my room? If not, Emily could share with you." He knew she'd been having nightmares, and didn't want her to wake up in a room alone, but he also didn't want Emily to have access to his room unsupervised for any period of time, knowing that Emily was much more likely to jump at the chance of going through his room. He was relieved when JJ shook her head confidently.

"No, I'm fine alone."

_Couch for me, then, _Hotch thought with a sigh, vowing to extract his revenge slowly and painfully from Morgan for the backache he was sure to have the next morning. "Okay, that's settled then," he said as he unlocked the front door and went inside. Opening the linen closet, he picked out as many pillow and blankets as he could find, arranging them in a big pile on the sofa. Stepping back to admire the mountain of cushions and bedding, he smiled in satisfaction. "It'll do for tonight."

JJ, Jack and Emily ran into the room at that moment, in the midst of a game of tag.

_How are they not tired?_ Hotch thought, watching in growing horror as they leaped over furniture to avoid being caught. He almost fainted when Emily chased Jack and JJ over his 'bed', they noticed all the pillows, and called a time-out for exactly thirty seconds while they did belly flops onto his bed. Belly-flops! On his _bed!_ His nice, newly-made bed!

"Get off! OFF!" He roared, scaring them quite a bit. "I just made that couch! You _do not_ jump on other people's beds! Ever! Clean it up, _now_!"

They hurriedly grabbed fallen pillows from the floor and shoved them into a jumbled heap on the sofa, giving up on folding the blankets and just stuffing them into a corner and hoping Hotch wouldn't notice. Then they turned to the fuming unit chief with guilty expressions.

"Can you not go _five minutes _without messing something up? I _just_ made that bed, and now I'm going to have to-"

"We love you Hotch," JJ said suddenly, dreading another time-out and hoping to butter him up.

He stared at her, confused by the random change of subject. "What?"

"Daddy, we love you," Jack repeated.

Emily nodded. "Yeah, we love you so much we're gonna go upstairs and put on our pajamas and brush our teeth and comb our hair and get into bed with no arguments at all!"

"Not even one single argument!" JJ finished. He inferred from their tones that what they meant was 'You better not yell at us anymore because if you do we will argue about going to bed until three am'.

He sighed. "Go on. I'm coming up to tuck you in in ten minutes." Saying this, he flopped wearily onto a chair and watched them race up the stairs with a mixture of annoyance and amusement.

_Maybe I can get five minutes' peace and quiet. _

Upstairs, JJ and Emily ran straight to Jack's bed.

"What are you doing? That's my bed!"

"You never told us your bed is bouncy!" Emily said, jumping up and down. Jack folded his arms.

"Get off! You're messing it up! YOU'RE MESSING IT UP!" He grabbed a pillow from his bed and whacked Emily, sending her flying off the bed. Luckily, she landed on the carpet, with no real injuries except to her pride. Brushing herself off, she slowly and deliberately picked up the second pillow and advanced menacingly. JJ took a seat on the bed as Jack and Emily circled each other, waiting for the right moment to pounce.

By the twentieth circle, JJ was getting impatient. "Hotch is gonna come! Hurry up!" JJ's words were all the encouragement they needed, and Emily lunged at Jack, thumping him over the head with her weapon.

"AAAARGH! I'm gonna get you!" Jack yelled, hopping over his beanbag and narrowly avoiding crashing headfirst into his desk as he tried to hit Emily. She stopped dodging him for a moment to stick her tongue out at him, only to be rewarded with a smack to the face. The pillow exploded as it made contact with her nose, sending feathers flying everywhere.

"It's Christmas!" JJ cried happily, collecting an armful of 'snow' and throwing it in the air. She grabbed the torn pillow case from Jack and shook it out. "I'm Santa JJ! And Mother Christmas!" She threw the pillowcase over her shoulders. "SUPERMAAAN!"

Jack did not see it that way. His face darkened. "You. Broke. My. Pillow!"

Emily scowled. "_You _hit _me_!"

"YOU BROKE MY PILLOW!" was all the reply she received before a towel slammed into her. Her and Jack's weapons met each other once again as JJ joined the fight with a small Scooby Doo cushion.

Hotch could hear muffled screams coming from upstairs.

_Please don't let anything be broken. I swear to God if they've broken anything I will make Morgan pay! _

Filled with trepidation, he ran up the stairs, following the source of the screams to Jack's room.

_I could probably get off with murder, _he mused, thinking that with his FBI credentials and extended knowledge of catching criminals, no one would look twice at him. His course of action decided, he threw open Jack's door, staring in shock at what he found.

Three kids were staring at him with guilty expressions, ankle deep in feathers. A worn pillowcase lay tattered on the ground by their feet, along with half the contents of the room. Books, pens, toys...everything lay haphazardly on the floor.

_Five minutes. Just FIVE MINUTES! _

Stalking into the room, he fought to keep his voice down. "Explain."

Immediately, Jack and Emily started to shout insults and threats, laying the blame on each other.

"Enough. One at a time. Jack."

Jack jumped at his chance. "They were jumping on the bed! And I remembered what you said, Daddy," he added sweetly, hoping to curry some favour. "You said not to jump on other people's beds, ever. I didn't want them to break the rules."

"So you hit them," Hotch stated matter-of-factly, satisfied when his son flushed.

"Well...only gently! But she took my pillow from my bed and hit me hard with it and then her big stupid pointy nose ran into my pillow and made it burst and feathers went everywhere so it wasn't my-"

"-MY NOSE IS NOT STUPID!" Emily yelled, interrupting him. "AND IT IS TOO YOUR FAULT!"

Hotch pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Emily! That's enough. Since you two seem to be incapable of giving me a reasonable explanation...JJ." He looked at her expectantly, surprised when, for once, she seemed to be at a loss for words. "JJ?"

"I was being Santa JJ?" she said finally, falteringly.

He nodded encouragingly, although he honestly had no idea what she meant. "Okay...and then?"

"Superman."

"And then?" he asked again.

"Then I hit Jack with Scooby Doo, and then you came."

He looked at her, eyebrow raised. "So who burst the pillow?"

JJ hesitated. "Emily's nose and Jack's hand."

Hotch sighed. "Alright. I'm assuming none of you have brushed your teeth?" At their shaking heads, he sighed again. "JJ, my bathroom. Jack, Emily, use Jack's. You two are not to leave this room again, and JJ is to stay in my room. I will be downstairs after I tuck you in, and if I hear _one peep _out of any of you, you're sleeping in the garden. Is that clear?"

He watched them carefully as they brushed their teeth, and then firmly escorted Jack and Emily to their respective beds.

"Good night, Jack. Good night, Emily," he said, switching off the light.

"'Night, Daddy."

"'Night."

Just as he was about to close the door, his son's voice stopped him. "Daddy?"

He opened the door wider so he could stick his head in the room. "Yes, Jack?"

"Sorry about today. About the coke in your room and messing your couch-bed up and breaking my pillow and messing up my room."

"Yeah, Hotch, me too," Emily said.

He dithered, not wanting to let them off too easy, but finding that his mushy side was not easily subdued. "It's okay. Just think before you act next time." And with one final good night, he headed off to his- now JJ's- room. She was already in bed, the quilt pulled up to her chin.

"Goodnight, JJ," he said, starting to close the door. Just like Jack, she stopped him.

"Wait!"

"Yes?" He was pleased, expecting her to apologize too.

"You forgot to say 'Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite'," she informed him, crossing her arms over her blanket. "'Cause otherwise the bedbugs will bite."

He rolled his eyes, but said it anyway. "Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite." He began closing the door for the second time.

"WAIT!"

"What now?"

She huffed at him, clearly expecting him to know all of this. "Sweet dreams!"

"Sweet dreams. Goodnight." She nodded at him to close the door, finally settling down and burrowing herself into the covers. Hotch went downstairs to his own pathetic excuse for a bed, glumly getting on top of the pile of pillows and blankets. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

_Give it ten minutes tops before something breaks, _was his last coherent thought before he drifted off to sleep.

Upstairs, JJ waited until five minutes after Hotch's footsteps descended down the stairs. Then she slowly crept out of 'her' room to Jack and Emily's room, where they were waiting for her.

"Close the door," Jack ordered her, and after she did, he switched on a flashlight, holding it under his face to give it an eery glow. "Now..." he started in a creepy voice, "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the night of horror..." He passed the torch to JJ. "Since we have a new member to our little club, you may go first."

JJ took the torch, squinting when the light shined in her eyes. "That's bright." When she didn't speak any more, Jack explained, "You have to tell a scary story."

"Um...okay..." she paused for a second. "Okay, so there was a guy, and his wife, and they were in a car. Vroom vroom! Then they were in a house. Suddenly, all the lights went off! Boom! It's a ghost!" She jumped onto the bed, baring her teeth. "He ate up the man! Gobble, gobble, gobble! Then he ate up his wife! Gobble gobble yum yum!" She bowed proudly. "THE END!"

Emily snorted, quickly adding when JJ's face fell, "That was a really good story! My turn now." She used the flashlight to illuminate her face. "I heard this at summer camp."

Clearing her throat importantly, she began in a spooky voice, "Twenty years ago, a young man's car broke down in the middle of nowhere. He looked left and right and far and wide, but there was no-one for miles. He got out of his car and started to walk, and slowly a fog started to appear. Soon he couldn't see where he was going, and he tripped over something. When he looked up, there was a huge house over him. When no one opened the door, he went inside anyway, and decided to spend the night there. Spooky noises shook him awake in the middle of the night, and he saw a dark shadow across the wall...and..." She lowered her voice to a hoarse whisper. "Then...just as he was about to get up...BAM!" she yelled, shaking Jack and JJ, who let out a scream.

Jack gave a shaky laugh, taking the flashlight and shining it onto his face, giving his eyes a ghostly shine. "My turn now. My friend told it to me at school today, and I was saving it for today. Okay, so once upon a time there was a little girl called Katie." JJ sidled closer to Emily. "On her birthday, she received a very special gift from her aunt, a new teddy bear. It's eyes were weird and seemed to follow her around everywhere. She had to take it because her daddy taught her not to be rude, but that night she quickly put it downstairs in the living room. There were 17 steps from downstairs to upstairs."

"Then she went to bed. Suddenly, at 3:00 in the morning, the sound of light footsteps woke her up. Then she heard a voice." Jack used a low, almost musical voice. "_'Katie, I'm on the first step. Katie, I'm on the first step._' Katie was sure she was dreaming, but just in case she went down to check. But sure enough there on the first step was the teddy bear. She thought maybe she left it there by mistake. She took it outside, threw it in the trash and climbed back into bed, wrapping the covers tight around her. Soon she fell back to sleep."

"Again, at 3:20, she heard light footsteps, but louder this time. Then she heard that scary voice again: '_Katie, I'm on the tenth step. Katie, I'm on the tenth step.' _ She told herself it was a dream and got up to check. There on the tenth step was the teddy bear. She was terrified, but she thought maybe she was sleepwalking before and left it there. She took it outside, put it in the trash can and locked the lid. Then she went back upstairs."

"At 3: 40, she heard a weird metal noise, but nothing else happened so she ignored it. Five minutes later, she heard that same voice again. '_Katie, I'm on the last step. Katie, I'm on the last step. Almost there, Katie.' _She was so scared she couldn't move. She just sat still, shaking from fear. Suddenly, the voice came again, sounding closer and closer. '_Katie, I'm in your parents' room. Katie, your parents are dead. Katie, I'm at your do-or. Katie, I'm..._" Jack knocked sharply on the wooden part of his bed, and both JJ and Emily shrieked, diving under the duvet.

"It's the teddy bear!" JJ whispered, peeking out. "Should we open the door?"

"No, silly, it was just me!" Jack tried to seem nonchalant, but truthfully, the story his friend had told him was much scarier at night, and he'd managed to scare himself, too. He pushed JJ towards the door. "Go to your room now." When she refused, he and Emily agreed to walk with her to her room, and then come back together. Jack had been about to volunteer to walk her himself, until both he and Emily realized that that meant Jack would have to walk back alone and Emily would have to wait alone. They immediately veto-ed that idea, deciding to go together instead.

Three hours later, all was silent. Hotch was snoring soundly, dreaming of a perfect world where he didn't have to babysit his adult co-workers who happened to be children. Everything was perfect...he and Jack lived in a house together, while the rest of the team lived in their own respective houses. They were the BAU, and they all solved cases together, and caught serial killers.

Creativity and imagination rarely featured in Hotch's dreams.

Suddenly, he felt himself being shaken. The unsub he was having a shootout with laughed maniacally as Hotch fell to the floor, wincing (not screaming, that would go against Hotch Rule 5: No emotions unless under extreme conditions). Something tickled his ear and he swatted it away, groaning as his eyes tried to adjust.

JJ stood in front of him, huddled close to him and looking around wildly nervously. She was tugging on the hem of her pajama shirt as she glanced around.

Hotch was alert immediately, his mind swiftly analyzing her. "JJ? What is it, did you have a nightmare? Is something wrong? Is it Jack? Or Emily? Or you?"

She nodded fervently, then shook her head, then nodded again. Meeting Hotch's confused gaze, she clarified, "I had a bad dream."

His paternal instincts kicking in, Hotch pulled her up onto his lap, settling them both in a comfortable position. "Was it about the dogs?" he asked, remembering what Morgan had said.

JJ slowly shook her head. "What time is it?" she asked softly.

"Just gone 3:00 am," Hotch replied, wondering why she was asking as she shuddered noticeably. When she didn't tell him, he pressed. "Why? Was there something you were waiting for?"

"No."

Well, that helps. "Do you want me to take you back up to your room?"

"Alone?"

He looked at her quizzically. "How about I sneak into Jack's room and steal one of his teddies for you? Would that help?"

"NO! No teddy bears!"

Hotch turned her around on his lap so she was facing him, waiting until she met his eyes. "JJ," he started sternly, "has Jack been scaring you?"

"No...Well, maybe a little bit," she admitted after a pause. "But he didn't mean to! We were telling ghost stories." Like that made it all better, Hotch thought sourly.

"After I expressly told you not to leave your rooms?"

"Like you haven't ever left your room at night before!" JJ retorted. "And who says you can tell me what to do anyway?"

Hotch rolled his eyes, not appreciating this at three in the morning. "While you are here with me, I am acting in _loco parentis._ Do you know what that means?"

"Yes!" she growled. "I'm not a baby Hotch!"

"Well, you certainly don't know how to show it," he shot back, instantly regretting it when her face fell. They stayed quiet for a few moments. Eventually Hotch broke the silence.

"What was it about?" he asked quietly.

"Teddy bears," she admitted grudgingly. "_A _teddy bear."

"I gathered that."

"I don't know. Nothing else really. I don't even know why it scared me," she said with a sigh. She rolled over so her back was facing him again. "I hate being little."

"Why?"

JJ shrugged, her hands constantly picking at a small hole in her pajamas. "I get scared of stupid things. It was just a stupid story! I shouldn't even be scared! And it's just me, and Emily and Jack aren't scared and-"

"They're older than you," Hotch interjected.

"I know, but I'm JJ! I'm a federal agent, and just _two minutes_ ago I was terrified of a _teddy bear_ and I'm _still _scared and it's not fair! I hate being little!" She brushed away a tear that was leaking out of her eye. "And I cry at stupid things and I'm like a hormonal pregnant woman and it's _not fair!_" A trail of tears made its way down her cheek. "I want to be me again."

Hotch didn't know what to say, so he just gently rubbed her back and massaged her shoulders until she calmed down. "You're just tired, JJ. Don't worry, you'll be back to normal in no time. Right now I think we should sleep, don't you?" When she nodded, he stretched out, pulling a blanket over them both.

A few minutes later, JJ was almost asleep when suddenly, footsteps thumping down the stairs startled them both.

"It's _him_!" JJ gasped, grabbing Hotch's arm and holding on for dear life. She was proved wrong, however, when an obviously frightened Emily appeared in the doorway, with Jack appearing behind her a few seconds later, apparently running so fast that he was panting.

Hotch smirked. "I think you need to re-think that bit about Emily and Jack not being scared," he whispered in JJ's ear. To Emily, he said, "Let me guess: it involved a teddy bear?"

Emily nodded, while Jack kept on panting. "She...left...me...alone..."

"I thought you were asleep!" Emily defended herself.

Just then, Jack noticed that Hotch was with JJ, and, jealous, he pushed past Emily and climbed onto the sofa with Hotch. The unit chief made room for his son, smiling at his very obvious jealousy. Emily approached the couch, not sure what to do.

Hotch held his arm out. "Space for one more." Then, on second thoughts, he sat up, pulling Jack and JJ up with him. "Actually, let's go to my room. I get my bed, you get company. Win-win."

They all trooped up the stairs to Hotch's room, where they squeezed into the bed together. After a bit of kicking and elbowing, courtesy Emily and Jack, Hotch managed to get them to settle down.

"Goodnight, everybody. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite."

**XXX**

**A/N: Season 6, personally I loved it. I kinda don't want the next episode to come because I know it'll be sad and it'll be the last episode with the whole team. And this episode wasn't really a happy episode (well, as happy as you can get with serial killers) so the last not totally sad, whole-team episode was The Internet Is Forever and GRRR! I'm so mad JJ's going. I'm going to watch season 6, and then stop watching after Paget leaves. **

**Lots of people on have said they're gonna stop reading and writing JJ fics after she leaves, which I think is a bit stupid because that will **_**really **_**end her character. Gotta keep her alive! So anyway, are you lot going to do the same? Because I'd rather just wrap this up if no one's going to read it once she leaves. **

**Thoughts on season six?**

**And, as usual, send me your ideas! I love hearing them =)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: ****Calling all CM readers and authors! Join us for our first Profiler's Choice CM Awards on ! Help us choose the best of the best of the CM stories on , and let your voice be heard. Anyone with a account is eligible to nominate. Please check out the nominating ballot and rules at Chit Chat on Author's Forum at .net/topic/74868/30888142/1/. All rules and information are on the forum. Voting ends on October 15.**

**XXX**

Morgan parked his car in his allocated parking spot, sighing in contentment as he walked in the entrance to the BAU. After a day and a night of relaxing, he was almost looking forward to the excitement. Almost.

"Hey, Rossi, Reid," he greeted, before strolling up to Hotch's office and rapping sharply on the door.

In Hotch's office, JJ was bouncing on her seat, annoying Hotch immensely. "Come in, Derek," he called.

Morgan walked into the office, waving at Emily and JJ, who ran at him. "Hey, midget. Hey, shrimp." JJ tackled him, and he laughed, hugging her. "I think someone missed me a tiny bit."

"Hotch is too strict." JJ wrinkled her nose. "And he wouldn't let me do anything!"

"Hotch!" Morgan said mockingly. "You didn't let her do anything!"

"Ask her to define 'anything'," was Hotch's stony reply.

"So, how'd it go?" Morgan asked his boss, trying unsuccessfully to mask his amusement at the thought of Hotch with three hyper kids all day.

"How do I begin? Well, first of all, this one," he indicated Emily, "faked OCD so the other two could sneak into the kitchen and steal mentos-"

"Actually," Emily said, sounding proud, "the mentos was mine."

"-And a bottle of coke, even though Jack knows he is not supposed to take anything from the fridge without my permission. You see where this is going?" Hotch smiled thinly at Morgan's expression which was a mixture of extreme amusement and horror. "They decide to make a coke bomb-"

"They're called coke rockets!" JJ butted in, determined to make sure that if he was going to tell the story, he told it right.

"A coke _rocket_, and guess where they decide to set it off?" He paused for effect. "_In my room!" _He continued despite Morgan's "You did _WHAT_!". "I walked into my room, and they're all standing there, about to throw a litre of coke _in my room _with the aim of having it explode! I pulled them all to the floor just in time, and if I hadn't, right now Emily would have about 27 stitches on her head and Jack would probably have lost an eye!" As he recalled everything that had happened, he felt himself getting worked up.

Morgan couldn't decide whether to be mad or proud. "JJ, I thought I told you-"

"Oh no, I'm not done yet," Hotch interrupted him grimly. "Then, when I'm done yelling at them, none of them even apologize, and they start crying!"

"_Actually,_" Emily cut in, "we did apologize. At night, remember? And you already yelled at us; you don't need to do it again."

"Yeah," JJ agreed. "Plus we were poking ourselves with needles, so it wasn't real crying. So there!" she finished triumphantly, before realizing what she'd just said. "Oops."

"_Excuse me?_" Hotch hissed. Emily and JJ quickly scooted behind Morgan. "Well, let's just add that to the list. They _fake cried. _After I paid _one hundred_ dollars to get the room cleaned! The room that _they _messed up! And then they ruined my bed, and threatened to argue until three am if I said anything. Then ten minutes later I hear screeching, only to go up and find Jack and Emily in a pillow fight with Jack's room ransacked and a broken pillow lying on the floor along with most of the room. Half of his things were broken! I put them to bed, thinking at least, if anything, I'd get a good night's sleep, but of course not! At three am, _this _one," this time he pointed at JJ, "comes downstairs from nightmares."

"Aw, Jayje-"

"No, not those nightmares," Hotch cut Morgan off. "These were different. About a teddy bear. Why? Because Jack and Emily had been scaring her with horror stories after I _expressly _told them not to leave their rooms."

"Hey!" JJ leapt in. "That's not fair! I told one too, and it was just as scary!"

Hotch ignored her. "Half an hour later, Jack and Emily run downstairs because _they're _scared too. Then I spent the rest of the night sorting out fights over who was using the most blanket and who was kicking who. So, it went very well, thank you, Morgan." He sat back, feeling slightly guilty since in all fairness, he had yelled at them yesterday, as Emily pointed out.

Morgan pushed JJ in front of him so he could see her face. "Remember what I told you?"

"No."

"About staying home with a babysitter if you get in trouble?" Morgan pressed sternly.

"No...well, kind of." JJ met his eyes. "But it wasn't my fault! The scary stories and the needles were Jack's idea, and you can ask Emily, I didn't want to do it! And I didn't even know Emily pretended she had OCD, and I didn't break Jack's room or have a pillow fight, and I thought it was a pile of cushions! I didn't know it was a bed!"

Morgan had to admit, she had a point. "And the coke rocket?"

"That was her idea!" Emily said quickly.

"But that was all Emily and Jack's fault!" JJ defended, grasping at straws.

"How?" Morgan asked.

"They were being boring!"

"We were not!" Emily was furious.

"Were too!"

"Were not!"

"Were too!"

"Were not!"

"WERE TOO!" JJ yelled, covering her ears. "Lalalalalalalalala I can't hear you, lalalalala!"

"Hotch!"

"Morgan!"

"TELL HER TO STOP!"

"Girls," Hotch started.

"YOU SHUT UP!" JJ jabbed a finger in his direction. "You didn't need to tell him!"

"Okay, calm down." Morgan tried to be the peacemaker.

"And what's your problem?" Emily glowered at him. "We messed up _his _house, not yours! So you can just be quiet!"

"Yeah!" JJ said, glaring at them both. "You already yelled at us and it's not our fault! So WE HATE YOU!"

"Yeah!" Emily agreed. "We hate you! And you're gonna regret this! Come on, JJ!"

The two men stared incredulously as Emily linked arms with JJ and they both stalked off, noses in the air.

"I'm sorry, I'm confused," Morgan said as the door slammed shut behind them. "Was that an elaborate plan to get out of trouble, or did that fight _actually _just go from 'Hotch, Morgan, help me!' to 'You will regret ever stepping in to help!'"

"I would guess the latter. Sleepless nights often result in mood swings and fights." Hotch leaned back in his chair. "Which does mean that we are going to, according to them, regret doing 'this'."

"Whatever 'this' is."

"Well, Strauss just ordered me this morning to pick the case we'll be going on once our no-case time is over, and as JJ's unable to, you're going to help me sort through them." Ignoring the loud groan, he sent Morgan off to collect the piles of cases from Strauss.

Meanwhile, JJ and Emily had summoned Reid, Rossi and Garcia to JJ's office.

"Now you listen up," Emily instructed them, standing on JJ's office chair with her hands on her hips, doing her best to look intimidating. "We want some stuff, and if you don't give it to us..."

"We need glitter, paint, and superglue." JJ ticked off the list on her fingers.

Garcia's eyebrows knitted together. "I'm sorry, cherry pie, why do you need glitter and paint?"

"Because-" Emily started, only to have JJ cut across her.

"Because we wanted to make an art project to say thank you to Hotch and Morgan for being so nice." She plastered a big smile onto her face, relaxing as Rossi nodded.

"I think that's very sweet of you girls. I'll pick up your supplies for you and be back in half an hour, alright?"

"Okay," JJ agreed.

Emily gave him a shy hug. "Thank you Rossi."

"No problem. Reid, you want to join me?"

Reid shrugged, eyeing the girls suspiciously. "Uh, sure, I guess. Okay."

"It's settled then."

"Thank you Rossi!" JJ smiled sweetly at him. Rossi left the room, ruffling JJ's hair as he passed, with Reid following behind him. Garcia lingered in the room for a moment, obviously wanting to help with whatever the art project was, but after a few pointed looks, she left too.

JJ slammed the door shut. "He just _ruffled my hair_! Did you see that? Did you?"

Emily rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Relax, JJ. At least he's getting the stuff."

"But what do we do for half an hour?" JJ asked sullenly, folding her arms.

"Stop complaining! It's only thirty minutes!"

"I'm BORED!" JJ flopped forward onto her desk, her head hitting the table with a loud _thud_!

Emily scoffed, annoyed. "It's not my fault you can't think of anything to do."

JJ looked affronted. "I can! Just Hotch and Morgan won't like it."

"So you're scared of them?" Emily didn't even know why she was antagonizing JJ- she just knew she was sleepy and cranky and pissed off. "What are you, a baby? Ooh, liddle baby's scared of dada?"

That was it. JJ jumped up, shaking her fist at Emily. "I'm not a baby! You're a baby!"

"Nice comeback."

"I hate you!"

"I hate you more!"

JJ, completely infuriated, delivered the most terrible, most hurtful line that she could think of: "I'm not talking to you!"

"I don't _want _to talk to you!"

"Fine!" JJ yelled.

"Fine!" Emily yelled right back.

"THEN GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" JJ hollered, striding over to the door and yanking it open.

"No!"

They glowered at each other for a few seconds, and finally Emily gave in and started to walk towards the door. "I didn't even want to stay in your stupid office anyway."

"Good! 'Cause I didn't want you in my stupid office anyway!... And my office is not stupid!" she added furiously, as Emily smirked. Just as Emily was about to close the door, JJ stopped her as a thought struck her. "Wait wait wait!"

"What?"

"But if we're not talking to each other, how do we do our plan?"

Emily paused for a second, thinking. "Fine. I'm not talking to you _until _Rossi gets our stuff!"

"Same! And no talking to Hotch or Morgan either!"

"Fine!" Emily stalked out of the office. JJ's head thumped back onto her desk.

Emily rubbed her head sleepily as she sat at her desk and looked around the bullpen. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to find something to do, she was tired and frustrated. No coffee machine; no-one to talk to; everyone staring at her. Finally, as she caught the eye of a gawking junior agent, who dropped his coffee mug on meeting her gaze, she had had enough. Glancing around quickly to make sure no-one (specifically, JJ) saw her, she stealthily made her way to Hotch's office, skirting past JJ's closed door quickly.

Not bothering to knock, she pushed open the door and went inside.

JJ huffed loudly. She wasn't talking to Emily. She wasn't talking to Morgan. She wasn't talking to Hotch. Reid and Rossi were at the shops. Garcia was locked up in a room with Kevin. All the other agents had cases, and plus, after last time when she was high on candy, they'd threatened her with bodily harm if she ever went near their desks again.

She moaned, her head still on her desk, then peeked out over her arms with one eye as an idea struck her. Jumping off her chair, she ran to the door and opened it a crack, peering out over the bullpen in search of Emily. When she didn't find her, JJ ran the three feet to Hotch's office as fast as she could before throwing open the door.

Hotch stared at her, his pen poised over a file.

Morgan stared at her, an eyebrow raised quizzically from his chair across from Hotch.

Emily stared at her, sitting cross-legged on the floor.

_Emily?_

"What are _you _doing here?" Emily asked accusingly, hands on her hips. "Traitor!"

"But you traited first! So you're the biggest traitor!" JJ ran to Morgan, pulling on his leg. "Morgan, she's being mean to me."

Hotch groaned and covered his face with his hands as Emily narrowed her eyes at JJ. Morgan decided to intervene.

"Woah, what's up with you two today? You were just now swearing revenge at me and Hotch!"

"We're not talking to each other," JJ informed him simply, glowering at her arch-nemesis.

Morgan rubbed his head, feeling a headache coming on. "You're not talking to us, either, remember?"

"But we're bored." Emily thought for a second, then her eyes lit up. "I know!" As everyone looked expectantly at her, she went on. "So we're not talking to Hotch and Morgan or each other, right? But we can still talk to Hotch and Morgan and then when Rossi comes we won't talk to them anymore and we'll only talk to each other!"

"So let me get this straight," Morgan said slowly. "You want us to entertain you until Rossi gets back with God-knows-what, at which point you'll abandon us, make friends again, and skip off to plan your little revenge on us?"

There was a pause. Then: "Yes," JJ said, holding out her hand.

"Just for half an hour," Emily clarified. "Until me and JJ are talking again."

"Oh, what the hell. I'd rather play tea parties than look at murder victims. Deal." Morgan pushed back his chair and stood up, shaking JJ's hand as he did so. "So, what do you want to do first?"

"Tea parties!"

Ten minutes later, Hotch's desk was covered in coffee mugs which had been stolen from unsuspecting agents in the bullpen. They were all seated around the desk, passing cookies and hot cocoa to each other. The atmosphere, however, was tense, mainly due to the fact that JJ and Emily refused to speak to each other.

"Mr. Morgan, would you do me the kind honour of passing me the tea?" Emily asked primly, perched on the edge of her chair, which she'd wheeled up the ramp from the bullpen.

"Why, of course, Miss Emily." Morgan made a big show of pouring hot cocoa into a mug and handing it to her. JJ scowled.

"Morgan, tea. Now!" she ordered.

"My pleasure, Miss Grumpy." Morgan cheerily handed her a mug, which she snatched from him.

"Gimme a cookie."

Emily perked up. "Mr. Hotchner, would you pass me the chocolate biscuits?"

A silence descended on the room as all eyes fell on the plate of cookies...or, rather, the plate of _cookie_. There was only one left_._

No-one moved.

Hotch's clock ticked loudly.

A car zoomed past the building.

A cricket chirped in the distance.

Emily watched JJ. JJ kept one eye on the cookie and one eye on Emily. Hotch and Morgan exchanged a panicked look.

"Hey, look, a flying bird!" Morgan pointed out the window, and when their heads were turned, Hotch grabbed the cookie.

"All birds fly, Morgan. Duh," JJ said in an I-can't-believe-how-stupid-you-are voice. Morgan didn't bother to point out that she'd turned to look out the window excitedly.

Emily, determined to get the better of JJ, clapped her hands politely. "Mr. Morgan, I do believe birds fly. Well-spotted!"

JJ made a face. Then, realizing that everyone had forgotten about the cookie, she turned around to seize it, only to stop short. "Hey! Who took the cookie?"

"What cookie?" Hotch asked innocently. "Morgan, do you remember seeing a cookie?"

"Hmm...I don't believe I do..."

JJ looked daggers at them. "I'll scream."

"Okay, okay." Hotch held up his hands in surrender. "I think there was one. But I don't know where it is now."

"Maybe the cookie monster took it?" Morgan suggested.

Emily crossed her arms. "The cookie monster," she said icily, "doesn't exist." JJ opened her mouth to argue, thought better of it, and closed it again.

Hotch sighed. "Fine. I _might _have it. But only the most polite person will get it."

Both girls immediately straightened up, brushing their skirts for imaginary (or in JJ's case, very real) crumbs.

"Now ask Morgan for some cocoa," Hotch instructed.

Emily cleared her throat. "Mr. Morgan, would you please do me the honour of passing me the hot chocolate?"

Morgan bowed. "Of course, m'lady. Now let's see how politely her highness JJ can ask."

JJ scrunched up her forehead. "Mr. Morgan, sir, may you please do me the very kindest favour, sir, and pretty please pour me a beautiful cup of cocoa? Thank you so much. I really 'preciate it."

Hotch pretended to think. "Hmm...what a tough choice. You know what, I think it was a tie! So you each get half a cookie!" He broke it in half and handed a piece to each girl.

Emily frowned at him. "Nobody likes a weak judge, Hotch!"

"Oh, okay then, I rule in JJ's favour," Hotch started to say, smirking as Emily quickly stuffed the cookie half in her mouth.

"What do you say to Hotch for the tea party?" Morgan prompted.

"Thank you _so _much, Mr. Hotchner." Emily curtsied, ignoring JJ's gagging noises.

"JJ?"

"Thank you, Hotch," JJ said grudgingly.

Just then, there was a knock on Hotch's door. "Come in!" he called.

Rossi popped his head around the door. "Ah, I thought you might be in here. I've got your supplies. Don't worry, I won't tell them." He handed Emily a bag and gave a very exaggerated wink before leaving.

JJ and Emily exchanged glances.

"Okay, we're going now," Emily announced, grabbing JJ's arm and pulling her out the door. "And we hate you!"

"Yeah! We hate you!" JJ echoed enthusiastically.

Emily gnashed her teeth in an effort to look scary. "So beware! We will get our revenge!"

"Yeah! Be very ware!" JJ added gleefully.

"Mwahahahaha!" Emily's pitious attempt at an evil laugh left both profilers looking bemused.

Morgan cocked his head to one side. "What do you suppose they're going to do?"

Hotch gestured to the pile of cases. "Right now, I don't think it matters."

**XXX**

**A/N: But of course, it does matter! So, loved it, hated it? Tell me!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters. **

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed! You have no idea how many times I go back to re-read them. This is short (around 2200 words 'only') because it was supposed to be with chapter 9 but I decided to split it. Enjoy!**

**XXX**

"Superglue...Scotch tape...Stapler...And, voila!" Emily finished stapling the last of the wallpaper back onto the wall, and nodded with satisfaction. "There. I think it's done."

Emily and JJ stepped back to admire their creation. Their expressions of pride slowly morphed into horror.

"We. Are. So. Screwed," Emily said slowly, burying her head in her hands.

JJ tilted her head to one side, examining the mess that used to be a wall with forced optimism. "No, we're not. That's the whole point. And it doesn't look _that _bad."

"JJ, it's obvious we've cut out like half the wall and stuck it back on! And this is the part that's not supposed to be obvious!" Emily scratched her head, going over to the bag of supplies and pulling out various colored tubes and pots- Rossi had been very generous with the art supplies. Finally, she straightened up triumphantly, holding a pot of hot pink glitter glue. "We can cover it up with this!"

"Yeah!" JJ asked as she grabbed a paintbrush and dipped it into the pot, quickly following Emily's lead. "Let's write something over it!" She was extremely enthusiastic about all their revenge plans- in fact, Emily had spent half an hour convincing her that they should only plot their revenge on Hotch and Morgan, not on Rossi for ruffling her hair, or Reid and Garcia for being 'too smart and making everyone else look stupid'.

"Okay, so is everything else done?" JJ asked as she slathered gobs of paint onto the wall.

Emily nodded, wiping the excess paint onto a particularly messily-glued part of the wallpaper. "Yeah, I-" They both froze as they saw Strauss's car pull up to the BAU from the huge glass window in the room.

"Out! Get out now!" Emily hissed, scooping up everything she could and running out of the room. The room they were in was conveniently located in a spot where anyone and everyone arriving on the floor after exiting the elevators could see them. That was why they had carefully planned their schedule to coincide with the lunch break, when all the agents would be gone for at least an hour- maybe two, if Strauss decided to take a break too, which she had. Thankfully, since their team had been bogged down with work, they hadn't come looking for them.

"Girls," Strauss said coldly as the doors of the lift opened- strangely enough, no one else had come up with her - and they pranced past her, trying their hardest to look innocent.

"Hi Mommy," JJ said, waving happily. "Guess what? I know a secret! And I can't tell you but I _can _tell you someting! You know what, you should-" Emily dragged her away before she could say anything else.

"Are you _trying _to get us caught?"

"What? I was just gonna tell her to go check the wall!" Just then, Morgan, Hotch, Reid and a host of other agents stepped out of the elevators. JJ ran to them, sticking her tongue out at the other agents when they immediately started walking off in the other direction. "Hi Morgan! Hi Hotch! Hi Reid! We had so much fun today! Where were you? Did you go to eat?"

"Damn!" Morgan said, smacking his forehead. "We completely forgot about your lunch."

"We went down to the third floor to straighten out some issues with filing," Hotch said apologetically. "Are you hungry?"

"Well, we were, but then we got started doing something. You know what you should do? You-"

"You should go eat something," Emily said brightly, forcibly pushing JJ away.

"Uh, midget?" Morgan asked, putting his hand out to stop them.

"Yes, giant?" Emily answered primly.

"Why are you both covered in...what is that, glue?" He sniffed at the white goop that was in Emily's hair. Hotch, who was about to go to his office, leaned forward and gingerly touched the white substance.

"It is glue, isn't it?" Reid asked, wondering, along with Hotch and Morgan, what they were doing.

"Yeah, sure." Emily scoffed, while JJ _pshaw_-ed. "It's glue. Now we have to go do something important, so excuse us...And we still hate you! Remember that!"

They waved at the men before running off to JJ's office, taking a seat on her black cushioned chairs while they waited.

"How long is this going to take?" Emily grumbled, playing with a stick of blue tack.

"Shh..." JJ said, her eyes focused intently as she tried to listen. "I hear her..." The unmistakeable sounds of Strauss' heels click-clacking on the floor confirmed what she said.

"Get ready..." Emily whispered excitedly, taking out a small remote. They crept out onto the hallway, where they had a clear view of Strauss' office. She was just about to enter.

"Now!" JJ whispered gleefully, and Strauss pushed open the door, causing a small pot of neon paint to fall onto her head. Her shriek was heard for miles.

Emily pressed buttons on the remote to manoeuvre a small remote-controlled helicopter, which flew over Strauss and knocked over a bag of feathers that was perched on one of her higher shelves. The moment the feathers fell, she called the helicopter back to them, and it flew across the bullpen to their office, where JJ grabbed it as Emily cut the power. They ran back into the JJ's office and slammed the door shut, quickly sitting back down.

"Quick, um, act natural!" Emily ordered, opening JJ's desk drawer and pulling out a ball of red string. She expertly threaded the string through her fingers and reached out to JJ, just as the door slammed open, revealing Strauss, who was spitting feathers.

"What is the meaning of this?" She hissed.

Emily looked up from the game casually. "What? We're just playing Cat's Cradle."

"_Agent _Prentiss," Strauss spat out, "_Somebody _rigged my office to squirt orange paint on me when I opened the door. And _somebody _dropped a bag of bird feathers on me when I walked in. And _SOMEBODY _painted 'Strauss is a Bitch' on my wall in _BRIGHT PINK GLITTER PAINT!_"

"You mean you didn't like it?" JJ asked in shock, taking the Cat's Cradle from Emily.

"Why," Strauss yelled, throwing her hands in the air, "would I like it?"

"Oh, that's strange, isn't it JJ?" Emily looped the string back around her hand. "Because Morgan and Hotch said she'd love it!"

Strauss sucked in a breath. "What was that, Agent Prentiss?"

"Nothing," JJ said, shrugging. "Only, we did it because Aaron and Derek told us it would be like a birthday gift for you! We didn't know what it means, but they told us 'bitch' means princess."

"Did they lie?" Emily asked, her eyes wide. "Is 'bitch' a bad word?"

"HOTCHNER! MORGAN!" Strauss screeched, sticking her head out of the office. "Get in here, NOW!"

Hotch and Morgan came running- or, in Hotch's case, quick-walking.

"What is it?" Morgan dashed into the office. "JJ, Em, you okay?"

Hotch appeared moments later, his attention immediately going to the girls, who were uninterestedly continuing their game. "Erin, is everything- Erin? What happened?"

"I could ask you the same thing!" Strauss shut the door with a loud _Bang!, _going over to stand at the front of the room and glowering at the two senior agents.

"What is going on in here?" Hotch asked sternly. "Did you two do something to the director?"

JJ had the nerve to look appalled that he would even suggest that. "But Aaron, you told us that she would like it!" she said, near tears.

"Derek, you told us that Mommy would love it!" Emily said tearfully. "We spent so long working on it!"

Strauss didn't even bother correcting the 'Mommy'. "So you coerced them into painting 'bitch' on my wall, and covering me in paint!" she screamed.

"What? I- We- I didn't! We didn't even know- We were with Meg Hamilton! We didn't even know!" Morgan spluttered. A piercing ringing sound broke what would undoubtedly have been a long blow-up by Strauss.

She looked furious at having someone break through her impending rage-full lecture, and snapped open her cell phone with an irritated 'Yes?'.

Neither Hotch nor Morgan missed the looks of glee Emily and JJ shot each other, and both felt the pit of dread in their stomachs double. But, although they would never admit it, they found themselves enjoying Strauss' torment- no one else had ever done it.

_This better not be another prank, _Morgan thought suspiciously, watching Strauss with hawk-like eyes .

She rolled her eyes over the phone. "Yes, this is Erin Strauss. Yes, the director of the BAU. What? No! _Excuse me?_" JJ and Emily stifled their giggles as her outrage grew, as did Morgan's suspicion.

"NO! No, that does not stand for Bondage And- What?"

_Oh, God, no. Please say they didn't..._

"Do you know who you are speaking to? Yes, ERIN STRAUSS! I don't care! No! No, I am not interested in any new customers! No, this is not a strip club! NO!" She snapped the phone shut and threw it onto the desk, where JJ quickly snatched it and turned the speaker on, then put it back.

"_Who is responsible for that?_" Strauss screeched, spit flying from her mouth.

Emily raised a shaky hand, her laughs disguised as sobs. "They logged in to some ads site for us...but they told us you'd like it."

"We're sorry Mommy," JJ said, sticking her bottom lip out. "We thought you'd like it. By the way, Mommy," she paused, pretending to try and remember a phrase, "Why would someone want to tie you up? I don't get it."

"Agent Hotchner, Agent Morgan. My office. _Now._" Strauss stormed off, followed by a very taken-aback Hotch and Morgan. They returned a few seconds later. "Never mind. my office is _COVERED_ _IN PAINT!_"

"Ma'am, I can assure you, we had nothing to do with this," Morgan tried to explain. "They set us up!"

Strauss' pinched face became even thinner. "Do you mean to suggest," she said icily, "that these two little girls, who don't even know what," she lowered her voice, "'bitch' means, orchestrated this entire thing to frame you?"

"That is exactly what happened!" Morgan said, pointing accusingly at them. "And of course they know what it means! They know every word there is to know, probably in more that five different languages!"

"I can vouch for that." Hotch spoke up as JJ and Emily shot each other panicked looks.

"But Emily," JJ said pensively, "Didn't the doctor say we have no memories?"

"Yeah..." Emily agreed, "And JJ, didn't Aaron and Derek let us hang onto Mommy's leg and cover her in chocolate milk a few days ago?"

"You see?" Strauss said. "If they remembered who I was, you wouldn't have let them hang onto me the other day. Unless, of course, they _do _remember everything?" she added coolly.

"No, Ma'am," Morgan said quickly. "They don't remember anything, just like we said."

"Then I will see you," she said, checking her watch, "in my office, at exactly four pm, after it is cleaned. I have a few things to discuss with you."

Her phone beeped again. "Erin Strauss speaking."

A deep voice floated over the speakers, audible to everyone in the room. "Why, hello there, Erin. I'm having a bachelor party and we'd very much like you to be there with us. Do you think you-"

"I do not own a strip club!" Strauss' face was bright red as she turned off the speaker and stalked out of the room, slamming the door shut on her way out.

Morgan was about to explode with both anger and laughter before he caught sight of JJ and Emily. "Why are you both grinning like idiots?"

"What else have you done?" Hotch asked wearily, secretly hoping the victims was Strauss.

"Well, we didn't actually plan to write 'Strauss is a bitch' on her wall- that was just to cover up where we stuck the wallpaper back," JJ explained proudly, glad that their plan worked.

"So what did you put in there?" Hotch asked, picking JJ up off her chair, and depositing her on the floor, then taking her seat.

"A dead mouse," Emily informed them matter-of-factly.

Morgan's jaw dropped. "You didn't!"

"Did."

"And it'll stink!" JJ rubbed her hands together happily.

"But they'll never find it! Not for a few weeks, when they finally decide to start drilling holes in the wall!"

"We know," Emily said.

"Well-played," Morgan muttered grudgingly. "Well-played."

**A/N: I feel weird because I've never ever gotten a flame, ever and I'm kinda freaking myself out because I want one so bad! Because some people I talk to were complaining about getting this really mean review, and then they were asking 'What was your worst flame ever?' and I was :S 'um...none?' And then I felt bad. Even though I should feel really good!**

**Not my best chapter ever, but I thought it was okay. BTW I have a new one-shot up!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I STILL don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters...but I'm working on it =)**

**XXX**

She was curled up on chair, hundreds of miles away. She was on a boat in the middle of the sea, feeling the wind in her hair and the waves rocking her tiny wooden boat...she turned the page, mesmerized.

From twenty feet away, Morgan was staring at her with a look of disgust on his face. Finally, unable to contain himself, he went over to where she was sitting at her desk, completely absorbed in her book.

"You are such a nerd!" Morgan tapped Emily's shoulder, and when she looked up, he seized her book from her hand, turning over the front cover and reading it mockingly. "The Life of Pi? Are you kidding me?"

"What?" Emily scowled at him, trying in vain to grab the book back from him. "You're a nerd too, remember? 'You are who you pretend to be, so be careful who you pretend to be'? Give it back!"

Morgan held the book high above his head as she climbed onto a chair, struggling to get the book back. "Nu-uh, short-stuff. After what you pulled this morning, I don't think I want to let you have what you want. And I _am _a nerd, just not of the loser variety." He waved the book around, just out of her reach, enjoying her frustration.

"Ugh!" She let out an irritated sound, wanting to get back to the book. "Just piss off already!"

"Ooh, bad word!" He teased, lazily flipping through the pages of the book, but making sure to keep it well out of her reach. "And I'm feeling a little bored, so I think I'll stay here and read this book."

Emily slapped his arm, trying in vain to get her precious book back. After a few futile attempts, she gave up. "Go play with JJ!"

"She's asleep in Hotch's office. Hey, what if you go take a nap too, then I can read your book?" He turned another page over, a little roughly.

"Morgan!" Emily jumped off the chair, landing on his back and pounding him with her fists. "Give it! Stop, you'll rip it! Morgan!"

"Uh, what's going on here?" Reid's confused voice broke through the fight. He stood with his head cocked to one side, staring at them both.

Emily sheepishly slid off Morgan's back. "He took my book."

Reid's eyes immediately flitted to the book, scanning the title in excitement. "The Life of Pi? I read that a few years ago! What did you think of the way the book explores issues of spirituality and practicality through the lens of the main character, while all the while keeping it light so as to appeal to children?"

"Reid, she's seven!" Morgan said, in an I-can't-believe-you're-serious voice. His mouth dropped open when Emily replied, "Well, I thought it was surprising that Yann Martel chose to include themes from three main religions in the world today instead of conveying his key points with-"

"I can't believe Yann Martel chose to do that because I'm so nerdy, and I think if you asked me all of the Star Wars characters I could tell you," Morgan said mockingly, imitating Emily's voice.

She glared at him. "Loser."

"Loser," he mimicked.

Reid crossed his arms. "Uh, Morgan, I have it on good account that people find geeky girls and guys cute. So no, we are not losers." He paused for a second. "And there are over two hundred Star Wars characters, but I'm sure I could name them all, if you want."

"Owned!" Emily cried, sticking up each of her hands in an 'L' shape. "Go, Reid!"

"Go where?" he asked, completely lost. Morgan snorted.

"Whatever, midget. There's a big difference between 'geek' and 'Oh-God-he-knows-every-episode-of-Star-Trek-there-is-to-know-back-away-slowly'."

"You just said Star Wars a minute ago." Reid corrected him. "And you know, Morgan, making fun of others' senior knowledge to make yourself feel superior is frowned upon in most societies."

"Oh, you did not just go there," Morgan said, half-shocked, half-amused.

"It's a basic psychology rule," Emily put in. "When you feel threatened or inferior, you put down others in an effort to lift yourself. Which you are doing to convince yourself that being a nerd is bad, when it's not. So _you're _the loser."

"Oh, you two take nerd pride to a whole other level," Morgan said, taking them seriously...ish. "Well, what do you suggest?"

Reid and Emily looked at each other for a second, thrown. Then they quickly huddled together and had a hurried, whispered discussion while Morgan looked on. Finally, Reid straightened up. "We propose a competition...two rounds. We can each choose one round. Loser is the biggest loser in the BAU."

"What?" Morgan raised an eyebrow, not understanding what they meant. "So we have a two-part competition, where we each decide one round and...what? I don't get it."

"We decided that the first round is a Facts competition," Emily announced. "And we decided that the winner is the person who gets the most answers right. _And _we get to choose the question topics. _And _the points system."

"Woah woah woah, slow down there. What do _I _get to choose?"

"Everything for the next round," Emily replied simply.

Reid nodded. "Winner can never be called a loser again, ever. And the loser is officially the biggest loser- or losers, as the case may be- in the BAU."

Morgan shook his head. "Uh, no way. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks."

Emily's face fell, but Reid persisted. "Of course," he said casually, "if you're scared, it's not a problem. We understand, don't we, Emily?"

Morgan groaned, recognizing that they were baiting him but unable to resist. "Fine! I'll play, but only if the first round doesn't include statistics. When does it start?"

Reid conferred with Emily before answering. "Ten minutes."

"Fine."

"Fine," Emily retorted. "See you there." She and Reid stalked off, arguing about their team name, leaving Morgan to wonder exactly what he had just agreed to.

"_Whole _other level..." he muttered, shaking his head. "Whole other _stratosphere_..."

Ten minutes later, Reid and Emily had assembled three chairs and various other equipment in Hotch's office.

Garcia, Rossi, Hotch and a half-asleep JJ had been forcibly escorted into the room to prevent cheating, and were now watching the contestants with varying levels of interest- from 'I couldn't care less' to 'This is the best thing ever!'.

"Hurry it up, please," Hotch chided gently. JJ was already falling back to sleep, and her head lolled against his chest.

"Welcome to the first-ever 'BAU's Biggest Loser' contest," Reid started.

Rossi's eyebrows shot up. "This should be interesting..."

Emily cleared her throat. "The teams are as follows: Me and Reid- Team Nerds Rock- against Morgan- Team Sex Bomb. We chose this round, and it's about facts. But not statistics. Morgan chooses the next round. We have Rossi on speed dial and we call him as a buzzer if we know the answer to the question." She looked at Morgan expectantly, and he stood up from his chair, rolling his eyes.

"If I win, they are the Biggest Losers and I can remind them of this every day," he said in a bored voice. "But if they win, I am and I can never call them losers again. I also have to admit that nerds are cool and likeable. Reid is handing out a contract that says you're all witnesses and outlines the rules. All clear?"

"Sparklingly crystal clear," Garcia said, grabbing one of the five-page contracts that Reid was passing out for them to sign. "Let the games begin!"

"Uh, hold on a second..." Rossi was skimming the sheets. "It says here between rules 5 and 6 that by signing we agree to relinquish the prerogative to any and all proprietary concealed by our respective aliases for the bulk of time that Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid decree, eminently intrinsic in David Rossi."

"What?" Hotch asked suspiciously, his pen poised over the line where they had to sign. Having trusted that his team wasn't having him sign away the rights to his next child, he hadn't bothered to read the contract. Which was exceedingly stupid of him, he realized, as he scanned the clause in question.

Garcia's jaw dropped open as she read the line. "Did Reid write this?"

Reid looked pained. "Why do you always assume it was me?"

"Well, for one thing," Garcia said, looking apologetic, "your name is mentioned. And," she cut him off before he could protest, "I'm sorry, sugar muffin, but you're the only genius I know who can talk like Wikipedia."

Hotch held up a finger. "Hold on, Garcia. This wasn't written by Reid. Firstly, because it makes no sense, and secondly, because someone has obviously used a thesaurus to write it." He looked straight at Emily and Morgan as he finished speaking. "And by the way, 'concealed by' is not a good synonym for 'under'."

Rossi started to decipher it. "I agree to relinquish the prerogative to any and all proprietary concealed by my respective alias for the bulk of time that Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid decree, eminently intrinsic in David Rossi. Let's see, that would be...I agree to give up the...claim?...to any and all...property under my respective..."

"Name," Hotch said.

"...name...for the amount of time that Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid say, _something something _David Rossi. Garcia?"

"On it," the tech analyst replied, typing frantically on her phone. "Right-o! By the power and knowledge of the almighty, otherwise known as thesaurus dot com, the line says: I agree to give up the rights to any and all property under my name for however long Em, Derek and the doctor want it, especially anything belonging to Rossi." She sucked in her breath, shaking her head in disappointment. "Oh, you rascally Lilliputian fictional natives of Oz!"

Five heads turned to stare at her in bemusement. Reid looked slightly puzzled, but seemed to understand.

"What was that?" Rossi asked her.

"Oh, you naughty little munchkins," Garcia said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Hotch sighed, wondering if he could ever just have a normal day. "We are not signing this. And whoever's idea it was, I really don't appreciate it."

"It was Prentiss," Derek said immediately, sounding uncannily like a fifth-grader tattling on one of his classmates. "She even looked up all the words. She only agreed to put Reid and my name in so we wouldn't say anything."

"But why especially _my _properties?" Rossi asked.

"Reid told us you have a beach house in Florida?" Emily said sheepishly. It came out more like a question.

"Oh, for the love of God," Hotch groaned. "Can we just get on with this?"

"Oh. Um, yes," Reid said, handing Rossi a pack of cards. "Rossi, we were hoping you would read out the questions?"

"Which, FYI were written by the Empress of Tech," Garcia added proudly.

Rossi flipped over the card as Morgan and Reid exercised their index fingers, ready to call Rossi. "Alright, and the first question is..."

**XXX**

**A/N: Cookies and Lollipops was nominated for an award for Best Humor! Seriously! Link is on my profile. So vote- but not necessarily for mine, read all the others and vote for whichever ones you like best, in all the other categories too (You can only vote once, so if you miss out a category the first time, you can't add it). All you need is a FF account. Rules are on the link. **

**I'm sorry I had to end it like that- I needed to get some facts sorted which I haven't been able to do...so I just thought I'd post this anyway. Plus one of the readers said they prefer 2000 word chapters to 3000 words because they're easier to read. And the next chapter was supposed to be about Halloween, but now since I have to end this chapter, the Halloween chapter might be posted next week instead of the 31st**

**AND COOKIES AND LOLLIPOPS WAS NOMINATED! I can't get over that =) I have no idea who voted for it, but thank you! :)**

**Maddie xxx**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters, but if anyone's selling, I am more than willing to buy :D**

**A/N: I have an excuse, although it is lame: I was practising my touch-typing. Meaning I typed six times slower than usual. **

**This chapter is dedicated to Amanda (AAnderson43) for writing me an essay on Star Trek when I asked for two lines, and inspiring me to start writing a Reid-centric one-shot. And thank you to AureliaMarie for your help too =)**

**XXX**

"Alright," Rossi said, flipping over the first card. "Question one...Name the full name, birthplace, year of birth and parents of the character from Star Trek with the middle name 'Tiberius'."

Immediately, the cell phone on the desk rang, and Garcia quickly snatched it up. "Team Nerds Rock!"

"The character is James Tiberius Kirk." Reid started to reel off facts. "He was born in Riverside, Iowa in the year 2233, to George and Winona Kirk. The highest rank he ever obtained was Rear Admiral, although he was demoted back to Captain. In the movies, the character of Kirk is played by William Shatner, who also-"

"Okay, we get it," Morgan cut him off, annoyed. Emily high-fived Reid and stuck her tongue out at Morgan as Garcia called "Score: 1-0 to Team Nerds Rock."

"Whatever. Just read the next question."

Rossi picked up the next card. "Question two...How do you say 'Spock is part human, part Vulcan?' in Klingon?"

Barely had he finished speaking before the cell phone beeped shrilly. "Team Nerds Rock!"

Reid raised his hand, his mouth slightly open as he collected his thoughts. "...Spock oH QeD utlh yaS, patlh Vulcan."

As Emily pumped her fists in the air, Morgan's jaw dropped. "Now, I'm _glad _I didn't know the answer to that one."

"Don't be a sore loser!" Emily shot back, motioning to Rossi to read the next question.

"Question 3...in which year did Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy die?"

Morgan threw his hands up in frustration as Rossi checked his cell phone and announced "Team Nerds Rock!"

Reid scrunched up his face. "Um, that's a trick question. There is no definite answer: in William Shatner's books, Bones' year of death was given as 2379, but some list his death as being in the year 2364."

Morgan sighed. "How the hell am I supposed to win against _that_?"

Emily smiled. "You don't."

He glared at her. "Just you wait until the next round. Just you wait..."

And so the questions went on. And on. And on.

"Question 6...which university did Bones attend?"

"Question 17...what is the definition of a Jedi warrior?"

"Question 25...how was Dr. McCoy reborn?"

"Question 31...in the third movie, what is the fourth line that Kirk says?"

"Question 48...what is the sixteenth word to be said in Star Wars Episode V?"

The final score was something like 50-0. At 16-0, Morgan had given up and simply stood there, not even _trying _to call the number first. It wouldn't have mattered- he knew nothing whatsoever about Star Trek. And Reid knew that. So did Garcia. He had a feeling the technical analyst had purposefully written Star Trek questions to put the odds in Team Nerds Rock's favour.

JJ had woken up ten minutes after the round started, and was now sitting huddled in a corner with Hotch, Rossi and Garcia, who she had forcibly dragged to the corner to 'count up the points'.

"JJ..." Morgan said impatiently, tapping his foot on the floor. "Hurry up!"

"We can't!" she retorted. "We have to count the scores!"

He scoffed. "It was like a hundred to zero, now just hurry up so we can start my round!"

"No!" She said angrily. "We have to count 'zactly how many! And we have to put the scores in an envelope! Now shuddup Morgan!"

He crossed his arms, amusing himself with thoughts of creaming Reid in the next round. Finally, the group in the corner straightened up and returned to their seats.

Garcia clapped her hands. "Thank you all for attending, however unwillingly, this year's BAU's Biggest Loser Contest." She started to open the sealed envelope in her hand. "And the winner of Round 1 is..."

"I wanna say it! I wanna say it!" JJ shrieked, jumping up and down and waving her hand in the air. Garcia moved away to let her stand in the middle of the room, giving her the envelope. "The winner...is...duh-duh-duh...I wonder who it is..." Morgan rolled his eyes. "I'm opening the envelope...and...it's...Team Nerds Rock!"

Emily and Reid, who had been perched on the edge of their seats in trepidation, turned to each other and high-fived, sticking their tongues out at Morgan, who scowled at them.

"Yeah, yeah, you won, now my turn." He pulled up a chair. "My round is simple: a pick-up-the-most-girls round. All you have to do is get cell phone numbers. Get the most digits, you win. All clear? Let's go."

Reid looked considerably more nervous than he had a few seconds ago. Hopping off her chair, JJ went over to Morgan as they all walked out of Hotch's office.

"Can I play too?"

He considered, glancing at Hotch. "This contest is for nerds."

She looked surprised. "You're a nerd?"

"Yeah, sort of- just not the loser kind," he explained. "See, this competition is to see who's the most loser-like nerd, and who's the most hot nerd."

"But can I still play?"

_One-track mind, _he thought. "Sure, I guess. Whose team do you want to be on?"

JJ shrugged, cocking her head to one side as she examined the contestants for each team. "The win-est ones."

"They're winning right now," he said, jerking his head in Reid's direction. "Team Nerds Rock."

"But I don't want to be a nerd!"

"Then you can be on my team," he said, thinking that, if anything, she could help him gauge which women were most likely to give in easily.

JJ frowned. "But you're not winning."

"No," he agreed.

She huffed at them. "Fine! I'll just be on your team. But I can switch teams if I want."

"That's cool," he replied, shrugging. He raised his voice. "I say we go to Jay's place again." At the nods of agreement from everyone around, they walked out to the elevators, taking great care to use phrases like "Critical incident stress debriefing" and "Narcissistic by nature but displays signs of schizoid personality disorder" as they passed Strauss' office, which, Emily and JJ were pleased to note, stunk like a pig sty.

Morgan nodded wisely as they tiptoed past. "Yeah, Hotch, I agree with what you said about the Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but it could also have manifested as Tardive Dyskenisia in a Cluster B personality wit- Okay, she's on the phone, we can run!"

They quickly skirted past the open door and into the elevators. Piling into one of the SUVs, they drove to Jay's Corner.

"Alright," Morgan said, once they were all comfortably seated at a side table. "Rossi, Hotch and Garcia are judges. They decide if anyone's cheating. Anyone want to add any rules?"

Hotch spoke up. "Forty-five minute time limit. And JJ and Emily cannot ask for anyone's number, whether that person be male or female."

"Definitely."

"Agreed."

"That would just be asking for trouble."

"Don't want to attract any pedophiles."

"And also," JJ piped up, "I'm allowed to switch teams. Whenever I want."

"So it's pretty much guaranteed that you're gonna be on the winning team," Morgan said, nudging her. "Okay, Nerds Rock, go sit one table up. Here's your bag to put the phone numbers in." He handed Reid a small cloth pouch. "We sex bombs will go sit one table down. That way the judges can keep an eye on us all."

The teams situated themselves at their respective tables, glancing around at the bar. It wasn't full, since it had barely gone six, but the place was slowly filling up, and was at least half-full already.

"What's our strategy?" Reid asked, looking at Emily for help. "You have more experience with this sort of thing."

"I don't know," she answered, shrugging. "Some girls go for that geeky vibe you have going, so maybe if you, I don't know, do something geeky?" She glanced at Morgan's table helplessly. "We're screwed for this round anyway. No offense."

"The chances of us winning this round are slim," Reid agreed glumly. "But we could probably win the competition, if we lose by less to them this round than they lost to us last round."

Emily brightened. "That shouldn't be hard. The final score was 59-0 to us." She brought her face closer to Reid's. "Listen up, Mr. I'm-so-amazing-I-have-an-eidetic-memory-and-I-can-read-10,000-words-per-minute-"

"-20,000..."

"-if you mess this up and I officially become the biggest loser in the BAU, I will personally hunt you down and slowly remove every inch of dignity you have left in the most painful and humiliating ways I can think of. Capik?"

Reid swallowed. Then, in a whisper: "It's _capiche. _With a 'sh' at the end."

Emily leaned back, rolling her eyes. "Whatever, Reid. Toush."

"_Touché_."

Emily frowned at him. Reid quickly changed the subject. "So how about our strategy is to find a few girls who, as you said, go for the geeky vibe, and then we can maybe use a few psychology tricks on them? Play them against each other to elicit jealous reactions? Or perhaps I could do some physics mag-"

"-No. No way." Emily shook her head resolutely. "No physics magic. But I know what we _can _do..."

Meanwhile, at Team Sex Bombs' table, JJ and Morgan had overheard the first line of Reid and Emily's conversation.

"They're making up a strategy," JJ announced, looking at Morgan expectantly.

"We have a strategy," he replied defensively, stretching back on his chair and smiling at a few women that passed by. "I unleash my magic and the ladies just come towards us...like moths to a flame..."

JJ wrinkled her nose. "Ew."

Morgan saw Reid and Emily huddled over their table, deep in conversation. Suddenly, he didn't feel so confident. "They're both smart. What if they think up a really good game plan?" he asked, more to himself than to JJ.

"Then we think up a better one!"

"Alright..." He nodded at her. "I'm listening...what's your strategy?"

JJ beamed. "Simple. Cheat and win!"

"We'll go with that."

xxx

Forty-five minutes later, Garcia went to get Reid and Rossi called Morgan and JJ over. They all sat down, squashed together at the four-person table.

"And, first, we have the sensational sex bombs!" Garcia clapped.

Morgan smirked. "Well, this wasn't hard at all. And we got a total of..." He emptied out a small bag full of slips of paper. "Twelve cell phone numbers!"

"Nice," Rossi said approvingly, collecting them all. He passed them to Garcia. "Our wonderful technical analyst will run them through her computer to check they're all real..." Garcia typed frantically for a few minutes, and then nodded.

"Yup. Real as I am."

"So that's twelve for Team Sex Bombs. And now..." Rossi said dramatically. "Team Nerds Rock!"

Reid and Emily exchanged nervous glances. Then they slowly opened their pouch and emptied it onto the tabletop. A torrent of paper slips fell out.

"Twenty-one numbers," Emily said sweetly. "I guess we know who the winners are."

"What?" Morgan pushed the pile towards Garcia. "Check them! They cheated!"

Garcia typed each number in. "Nope, sorry, sugarbun. They're all legit."

"Double-check! They have to be fake!" Morgan's world stopped making sense. "There's no way they beat us! Beat _me_!" Then, turning to JJ: "You're the worst cheater I've ever met!"

"Am not!" she protested. "My idea was good!"

"You cheated?" Emily gasped. When JJ nodded, she grinned widely. "So did we!"

"How did _you _cheat?" Hotch asked Morgan.

"We didn't cheat, exactly. We just got six of the numbers by JJ saying she was lost, asking to call her mom, aka me, and me recording the number that called my phone." Morgan shrugged, unafraid to admit to cheating since they'd lost anyway. "How did you guys cheat?"

Emily shook her head at him. "We didn't cheat; we just skirted the rules a little."

"How?" Hotch asked suspiciously.

"Well," Reid replied, smiling, "we organized a competition."

Hotch sighed, wondering if he would have to bail anyone out of jail. "An illegal competition?"

"Well, not a legit one," Emily admitted. "But after it took him thirty minutes to get one number, and only because he bribed the woman, we figured it was our best shot. So we passed out sheets for winning a weekend in Hawaii, and all these drunk girls fell for it and wrote down their phone numbers, and their addresses."

Morgan's ears perked up. "Okay, two things. One: Could I borrow those sheets once you're done? And two: That's against the rules!"

"If you go over the contest rules," Reid countered smoothly, "you'll see that although the 'Weekend in Hawaii' scam was illegal, it was not against the contest rules. So we won."

"Fair and square," Emily added. She paused. "Except for the fair part."

JJ looked at Morgan, then picked up his hand and shook it. "It was nice working with you Morgan. But I think my skills are better suited to their team." She hopped under the table to sit next to Reid. "Hi, I'm your new teammate. Did we win?"

"We won!" Emily cried.

"In. Your. Face!" JJ stuck out her tongue at Morgan. "Loser!"

"Loser face, loser pants, loser shirt, loser arms, loser legs, loser loser everywhere..." Emily sang.

"Don't be so immature," Reid chided. "Morgan?"

"Yes, Reid?"

"Loser."

**XXX**

**A/N: I have a Hotch/Prentiss two-shot up. It's called "It Isn't Always A Mistake".**

**Don't forget to vote at the CM Profiler's Choice Awards! Link on my profile. Also, there's a poll on my profile too.**

**Maddie xxx**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**

**A/N: Stop yelling! I couldn't update- I was in the hospital! Grr! Nothing major though, just a sickness that came really quick and WOULD NOT go away! Hence the hospital and the five days admission. **

**On a fantabulous note, we hit over 200 reviews! 204 to be exact. You awesome readers are amazing and keep me going even when I'm in a hospital bed- that's how awesome you are. This one's for all of you!**

**XXX**

The next morning, Hotch glanced at his watch for the fifth time, irritated. He checked to make sure Reid wasn't having any trouble handling Emily in the bullpen before picking up his cell phone and punching in Morgan's number, pressing the keys harder than he intended to.

The phone rang, rang, rang, and then beeped off.

_The number you are calling is not responding. Please leave a message after the beep, or try again later. _

His heart stopping, he dialled again, willing there to be nothing wrong.

_Brrrring! Brrrring! Brrrring! The number you are calling is not responding. Please leave a message after the beep, or try again later. _

Getting worried, he pressed the re-dial button, his hand reaching for his car keys.

_Brrrring! Brrrring! Brrrring! Brrr-_

"What?"

"Good morning, Morgan," Hotch said icily, neither appreciating the snappy answer, nor pleased about his slight overreaction. "Where are you, exactly?"

"I'm in the car, but there's lotsa traffic..."

"Hi, Hotch!" He heard JJ's shout through the phone. "He's a liar!"

Hotch rolled his eyes. "Morgan, if you remember, Strauss called a meeting today? In half an hour? About the prank the girls pulled, which according to her was us?"

He heard something which sounded suspiciously like a slapped forehead. "Shit, I forgot! I wasn't planning on coming in today, I-"

"And when were you planning on informing me?"

Morgan groaned over the phone. "Come on, don't give me that now Hotch. JJ's giving me trouble-"

"-No I'm not!-"

"- And I wasn't planning to come in to work today, seeing as she's my responsibility."

Hotch frowned, staring at the little ticking hand on his watch. "Strauss will blow a fuse if you don't show up."

"You think I don't know that? Why do I have to sit here and babysit anyway?" Before Hotch could answer that he didn't have to, he add, "I mean, it's my job, right? I can show up if I want to. So what if I have a stupid little kid hanging onto me?"

"I'm not stupid and little!" JJ yelled, louder than she had to- Hotch assumed that _she _assumed he couldn't hear her through the phone. "Hotch! Tell him I'm not stupid!"

Morgan went on, "You know what? I'm coming in today. And I'm dragging her lazy butt in with me. And she's not going to complain when I give her some work to do, and she's gonna sit silently like Emily does and I'm not going to hear a peep out of her the entire day!" He slammed the phone down.

Hotch was left staring at the receiver in his hand.

'_Like Emily does'?_

Apparently Morgan was in a terrible mood- Hotch chalked it up to him having a bad day. But really, how terrible could his day have been? It was only eight, after all. The lecture at the end, Hotch suspected, was aimed at JJ, who he could practically hear sulking on the other end of the phone.

He walked out of his office and into the bullpen, making his way over to Reid's desk.

Reid and Emily were at that precise moment engrossed in a conversation about dental hygiene in the BAU.

"No, I don't agree," Reid was saying, shaking his head. "While Garcia and JJ's hygiene is commendable, it's not the best."

"What?" Emily threw her hands up as Hotch inconspicuously strolled over to their desks, leaning against the wall. "Are you kidding? They're neat freaks!"

"Um, not true. You only have to walk into either of their offices to prove that," Reid said, tapping his pen against the arm of his chair. "And you're forgetting the men."

"Ooh, yeah!" Emily cried, clapping excitedly. "Rossi?"

They looked at each other for a second before simultaneously wrinkling their noses. "Nah."

"Hmmph." Emily thought for a second. "So that leaves Hotch or Morgan."

"I say Morgan," Reid immediately put in, ignoring her flabbergasted expression. "His teeth are ridiculously white."

"No way! Hotch's teeth are so freakishly shiny, I swear I saw my reflection in them once! And I bet Morgan whitens them." She wiggled her eyebrows at Reid. "He does it for the lai-dez..."

Reid's eyebrows knitted together. "He probably does. I never thought of that! And the Hotch thing doesn't stand, because he doesn't smile enough for us to get a good look at his teeth."

"Fine," Emily admitted grudgingly as Hotch's eyebrows rose up into his forehead, and he decided to put an end to their discussion, insightful as it was. "But we're forgetting ourselves."

Hotch broke in with an "Ahem."

Both agents turned in fright, wearing identical deer-in-headlights expressions.

"Morgan is in a terrible mood. I just thought I should warn you." They relaxed, nodding as he turned away. "And as someone with freakishly shiny teeth, I can tell you that yes, Morgan does whiten his teeth."

Reid flushed scarlet while Emily didn't look even the least bit bothered. "So then Hotch wins!" she announced brightly, following the unit chief out of the bullpen. She frowned as they neared the elevators. "Why are we here?"

"Morgan should be here soon and I need to brief him as soon as- ah, there he is."

Morgan stepped out of the elevators, carrying a briefcase in one arm and JJ in the other. "Hey, midget, Hotch."

Hotch raised an eyebrow. "Can't she walk?"

Morgan dumped his briefcase in Emily's hands, ignoring her protests. "She can, but she doesn't want to. She has a fever- not high- and she hasn't let me forget it."

"Morgan..." Hotch tapped his watch. "Strauss...meeting...ten minutes...does any of this sound familiar?"

Morgan tried unsuccessfully to pry JJ's hands off his neck. Eventually he let go and held his arms out, leaving JJ clinging to him like a monkey. "You see?"

Hotch walked up to her, trying the Jack Tactic- which he'd found worked on criminals as well as his colleagues. "JJ, I know you don't want to, but I would really appreciate it if you let Morgan go- and I'll buy you an ice cream from the cafeteria, okay?" Seeing Emily's face, he quickly amended, "Ice cream for you _and _Emily."

JJ just gripped tighter. "I don't want to walk. I feel sick."

Emily's shoulders drooped. "Can I still have ice cream?"

Hotch sighed, glancing at Morgan. He felt JJ's forehead. "Well, she _is _slightly feverish. We could postpone the meeting, and get on with some paperwork. We've barely gotten through any of our weekly workload this week..."

Morgan shrugged. "Yeah, sure. Sounds good," he answered, strolling over to his desk. To Emily: "Minion, follow me and put my stuff on my desk. Then we'll go get you some ice cream."

"Hi, JJ!" Emily waved at her friend who was slumped over Morgan's shoulder, as she skipped after him, running through the different ice cream flavours in her head. JJ smiled at her but didn't wave back.

"Alright," Morgan directed, pointing at his chair. "Briefcase goes there. Carefully! And then we go to the cafeteria."

Emily bounced up and down on the balls of her feet, her eyes sparkling. "Can we have cookies too? And brownies? And can Garcia come with us?"

"Um, you can have either _a _cookie or _a _brownie with the ice cream. I'll get Garcia," Morgan answered. "JJ?"

She lifted her head up. "Hmm?"

"Do you want to come?"

When she shook her head, he worriedly checked her forehead again. "You're just a little warm, so I'm gonna put you in your office to rest for a while, okay?" He carried her up the steps to her office and put her on her chair. Morgan noted with satisfaction that given her size, her already-big chair served as a small bed.

"Come on, midget. I'll just tell Hotch she's in here and then we can go." He and Emily made a quick stop at Hotch's office before heading out to the elevators, meeting Garcia along the way. She was delighted to learn their destination, because apparently there was an excellent new dessert guy in the cafe next door.

"My online friend told me all about it!" Garcia gabbled. "She said their brownies are the creamiest, most scrumptious heavenly creations of man ever created, and their ice cream is awesomely terrific!"

"I prefer our BAU cafeteria..." Morgan said.

"The internet does not lie, Derek. And the internet says his ice cream is fabulously, amazingly supa-bangin'!"

"But he won't have peanut-butter-and-orange-mixed-with-bubble-gum ice cream!" Morgan whined as she forcibly dragged them both out of the elevator, and out the doors of the BAU.

At the ice cream parlour, Garcia stood staring at the wide selection of treats, which Morgan did have to admit looked tasty. "Let's see..." She read the ice cream man's name tag. "Okay, Matt, I'll have...hmm...I'll have a brownie with three regular scoops of...butter pecan...dark chocolate, and coffee with... chocolate syrup, sprinkles...and Oreos." She paused. "Oh, and nuts."

The ice cream man looked slightly overwhelmed as he filled her order. Satisfied, Garcia turned to Morgan and Emily. "So what do you want?"

"I'll have...I'll have two regular scoops of dark chocolate in a cone..." Morgan decided, as Garcia nodded approvingly. "With nuts."

"Coming right up sir," Matt said, handing Garcia her huge cup of ice cream. He smiled at Emily. "And you, miss?"

Emily, who had been staring at the 42 flavours, looked up decisively. "I'll have a chocolate chip cookie with extra-large double-scoops of vanilla, strawberry, and that swirly blue and pink ice cream-"

"-Cotton candy," Matt supplied.

"With chocolate syrup on the vanilla and one scoop of the cotton candy, caramel on the second scoop of cotton candy and both scoops of strawberry, and rainbow sprinkles, Oreos, Kit Kat topping and M&Ms on all of it. Oh, and in a cone." She smiled brightly at him. "Thank you!"

Morgan's mouth dropped open.

Matt held up the largest cone. "I don't think that will fit in a cone."

Emily shrugged. "Never mind. A cup's fine too."

"Uh, ma'am?" Matt looked questioningly at Garcia, who looked back at him expectantly. "Is that alright with you?"

"Of course it is!" Garcia said haughtily. "She asked for it, didn't she?"

"What? No it is not okay!" Morgan spluttered. "That's SIX extra-large scoops and a cookie! You want her to have a heart attack?"

Garcia snorted. "She is not going to have a heart attack, Derek. Don't be an idiot. Don't you remember when you were a kid, and how amazing ice cream tasted? You could eat as much of the sugary goodness as you wanted and never worry about anything..." She stared off dreamily. "Now's her chance to feel that again!"

Emily nodded fervently. "She's right! Don't you want me to feel that?"

Morgan directed his comment at the ice cream man. "She can have three _tiny _kid-size scoops of whatever flavours she wanted with _one _topping..."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Oreos."

"...with Oreos and the smallest cookie you have."

"Laying down the law." Garcia purred. "Hot."

Morgan grinned at her as he took his ice cream and Emily's. "You know I am."

"Oh look, they have those spinny chairs shaped like hands!" Emily cried, running to the other end of the ice cream parlours, where four or five rotating plush chairs, along with couches, were set out for customers. Emily immediately jumped on one, ice cream momentarily forgotten, shortly followed by Garcia.

Morgan dithered, looking from the door to where Garcia was letting Emily do belly flops off her onto the couch. "We really should get back..."

Garcia sat down on a hot pink chair. "Relax hotstuff," she said, licking her spoon contentedly and leaning back in her chair. "The Bureau's not going to go up in flames without you." She thought for a second. "Although now that I think about it, that _is _a very appealing image."

**XXX**

**A/N: I think I'm going to wind down Cookies and Lollipops, unless you REEEAAAALLy don't want me to. Otherwise, next chapter will probably be the second to last.**

**Laura Beth loves Jesus: I knew when you said SUPA-BANGIN'! I had to include it in the story. So that was for you =)**

**Maddie xxx**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**

**XXX**

They headed back, tummies full and happy. And although, as Morgan pointed out several times, it was way too cold for ice cream, they enjoyed themselves anyways.

"Hey Morgan?" Emily asked as she licked the last of her cone. Garcia held the door open for them as they stepped out onto the street.

"Yeah?" Morgan replied.

Emily was looking at the sky, and the bare trees. "It's getting cold..."

He wondered where this was going. "It is..."

"And it's almost Christmas..." She kicked at some gravel on the street.

"I know..."

She blew her breath out, watching the mist disappear before continuing. "Do you think we're going to have a white Christmas?"

Garcia's mouth formed a perfect 'O'. "Why wouldn't we?" When she didn't get an answer, her suspicions aroused, and she turned to Morgan and demanded, "Why wouldn't we? Am I missing something? You tell me right now, lovebug, or so help me..."

"It's nothing like that; you're not missing anything," Morgan said hastily, holding his hands up in surrender. "It's just a little warm for this time of year, and _maybe _there might be a slight possibility of there being very little snow this year. That's it."

"The news reporter on TV said there won't be any. I heard it," Emily informed them.

"Well, we're just going to have to change that then, aren't we?" Garcia said simply, stopping outside and to the side of the BAU doors. "We'll wish."

"Cross your fingers!" Emily ordered them, crossing her own. "Now repeat after me: I want a white Christmas."

Garcia and Morgan dutifully obliged. "I want a white Christmas."

"I want it to be extra-white, with lots of snow and also I want a big Christmas tree."

They repeated that too, then started to head in before she stopped them again.

"What is it Em?" Morgan asked impatiently, letting the door swing shut.

She glanced at them both, her face a mixture of apprehension and fear. "What if it doesn't work?"

Garcia shrugged, looking sad. "I don't know sweet pea, but Christmas isn't about the snow. It's about love and happiness and family and being grateful for what you have and-"

"Oh, blah blah," Morgan said scornfully. "Christmas is about presents. Everyone knows that."

"Fine." Garcia rolled her eyes. "It's also about presents for _some _selfish people. But even presents don't have anything to do with snow."

Morgan opened the doors again just as Emily crossed her arms. "But we _need _snow! We _have _to have snow!"

Morgan saw an oncoming tantrum, and he stopped with one foot in the doorway, wanting to get back into the warmth of the BAU. "Well, let's just hope that-"

"We need to make sure we get snow!" she said firmly, dragging him and Garcia out into the street again. "We have to threaten them."

Morgan was at a loss. "Threaten _who_?"

She shrugged, not caring in the slightest. "Dunno. Whoever grants wishes. Now, repeat after me: If you don't give me a white Christmas, I will come to your house and kill you. Thank you!"

"If-you-don't-give-me-a-white-Christmas-I'll-come-to-your-house-and-kill-you-thank-you!" Morgan gabbled, opening the doors again and rushing in before she could call them back.

The three of them stepped into the elevator, and when they reached their floor, they almost crashed straight into Hotch.

Well, Emily,who happened to have run full-speed out of the lift, almost crashed into Hotch. Morgan and Garcia stood and laughed as Hotch tried to pretend Emily's Doc Martens hadn't broken his foot.

"You're back," he managed to force out. "Did you have fun?"

"Oh, yeah," Morgan replied, grinning widely. "The ice-cream guy and Garcia were about to give her a tub the size of her head, until I valiantly stepped in to save her from a heart attack. Then we all did dive bombs onto their nice, soft couches. After that we threatened the Christmas spirits with murder if they didn't do what we said. All in all, very fun."

"You went to have ice cream?" Hotch asked, pretending he didn't know. "Did you bring any for me?"

Emily's face was a picture of shock. "I didn't know you wanted any!"

"But it's a friendship rule," Hotch said solemnly. "You have to buy dessert for your friends whenever you get some. Aren't I your friend? Do you hate me?"

She shook her head vehemently as Garcia added, "Oh, Em-Em, I didn't know you hate Hotch!"

Emily, completely believing them, pointed to herself, then at Hotch, at a loss for words. Finally she managed to choke out, "But, I don't! I didn't know! You _are _my friend!"

Hotch sighed. "I guess now Reid and Rossi and JJ will know that you hate them too..."

"No don't tell them!" she shrieked, trying to turn Morgan and Garcia back towards the elevators. She had a hard time moving Morgan, who was laughing so hard he could barely breathe. "Move! We have to get more ice-cream before they find out! I said MOVE you lazy lump of laughing...llama!"

At this, Morgan burst into hysterics again. "Llama? That's the only 'L' word you could think of? Llama?"

Emily was having a hard time not hitting him, and Hotch would have felt bad if it wasn't so funny. "Shut UP Morgan! Hotch! Come with me, _please_," she begged. "And I'll get you some ice-cream too...but with Morgan's money," she added hastily, in case anyone mistakenly assumed that _she _was going to pay.

"It's okay, Emily, I was just teasing you," Hotch said through his- well, through his half-laughs.

Her mouth dropped open. "You were teasing me?" she asked, as if that was impossible.

"I'm sorry," Hotch said sincerely.

She considered for a second, then nodded. "Okay. So you're still my friend?"

"I'm still you're friend."

"And Reid and Rossi and JJ won't hate me?" she clarified.

"Of course not."

She nodded again, soaking in this new information. "I'm going to go play in Rossi's office."

"No, midget, don't-," Morgan started, before reconsidering. "I mean, have fun!"

"Now, I need my daily MMORP fix, so I shall take your leave," Garcia said, waving as she headed off to her office.

"On that note, I'm headed down to Anne's office. You get on with your work, and tell the others to as well," Hotch ordered Morgan, getting into the elevator.

Morgan strolled leisurely into the bullpen, taking care to quickly skirt past Strauss' office when he passed it. He took great pleasure in informing Reid that Hotch had said he should do all the work because Morgan was busy babysitting. He _also _derived great pleasure in seeing Emily instruct Dave on how to brush his teeth properly in Dave's office.

"Uh, Morgan?" Reid asked, looking up from his desk.

"Yeah?"

"You're not busy." It was a statement.

"Oh, I am busy," Morgan said, quickly stopping his chortles at Rossi's predicament. "I just finished checking on Emily- she's fine, by the way- and now I'm going to check on- JJ! Shit. I forgot about her!"

"Nice parenting!" Reid called out. Morgan grudgingly admitted to himself that the genius-boy had used sarcasm on him. Which was not acceptable.

He knocked sharply on JJ's door, and when she didn't reply with her usual cheery 'Come in!' or even her rarely-used 'Whoever it is, go away before I shove my pen up your...', he opened the door, smiling to himself as he recalled that wonderful afternoon when it had been Strauss at JJ's door.

And she had been pissed. Man, had she been pissed.

He looked over to where she was curled up on her chair, eyes closed. "Hey, Jayje. You okay?"

She made a small noise that could have passed for a yes or a no. When he kneeled down by the chair, he noticed that her hands were clenched. "Do you feel really sick?"

She nodded.

"What's wrong?" he asked, brushing back her damp hair to feel her forehead.

She shivered, leaning away from his cool hands. "I'm sleepy. And cold. And my head hurts. And it feels heavy."

Morgan wondered if they had a thermometer somewhere. "Okay, you definitely have a fever. Why didn't you tell Hotch when you felt sick?" he asked, trying not to sound accusing. "He was right next door..."

"You said you were coming back in ten minutes..." And then of course he immediately felt guilty for spending almost an hour and a half at the ice cream place.

"I'm going to get you a jacket or something to keep you warm, alright?" She gave a slight nod in response.

He quickly left the room, calling Reid over. "Hey, JJ's sick. Go in and check her up, see if it's anything serious." Noticing that Reid was wearing his usual sweater, he added, "Do you have any sweaters in your go-bag?"

"Under my desk, on top of the socks," Reid answered quickly before going into check on JJ. He came out a few seconds later, just as Morgan returned with the sweater. "It's the flu. I can't be sure, but seeing as it started so quickly, I'd guess it'll last for a short while- perhaps 24 hours."

"The flu?" Morgan repeated.

Reid nodded. "24-hour flu, or something like it." He stopped for a moment. "Although, really it's not the flu- people call it the flu but in actual fact it has nothing in common with the influenza fa-"

"-Thank you, Reid," Morgan said, pushing him back towards the desk. "Now you better hurry- Hotch wants you to have finished everything by this evening."

"Oh, I finished. I was just reading up on some history. Did you know that historians believe that it's possible there was some form of transportation between both the Ancient Egyptians and the Mayans due to their similarly-constructed..." he trailed off, looking around. "Morgan? Morgan!"

Meanwhile, Hotch had spent _his _time downstairs arguing with Anne the accountant about why he should be allowed to have the documents he needed. When he came back up, he was undeniably pissed when he was greeted by an empty bullpen.

"Where is everyone?" he hissed, glaring at Reid, who almost dropped his coffee mug.

"I- ah, Rossi is in his office with Emily- I believe they're discussing his dental hygiene. Garcia is in her room, and JJ and Morgan are in her office?" It came out sounding like a question. "But the work's done."

Hotch snatched the offered papers from his hand and strode into Rossi's office, ignoring the fact that Emily was hitting Rossi's teeth with a pen.

"You," he growled at Emily, "Go color or something. And Dave, I would appreciate it if you would actually get some work done. I'm already down two agents, and my other three aren't pulling their weight!"

Emily removed her pen from Rossi's mouth, examined it, and looked around, wondering how to get the spit off. Finally, when she couldn't see any towels, she settled on Hotch's jacket. He stared at her as she sidled closer to him and pretended to scratch her ear while she rubbed the pen against him in what she thought was a subtle way.

"_What _are you doing?"

"It's spitty," she replied matter-of-factly. Rossi guffawed as Hotch rubbed his colleague's saliva off his suit in disgust.

"Prentiss, leave! And give Rossi his pen back."

She studied the pen for a second, then shook her head. "No, I think I'll keep it. It has four colors, see?" She demonstrated on her arm.

"I think I'd like it back, Emily," Rossi said.

"Fine." Slowly and deliberately, she brought the pen up to her mouth, and licked it. She covered it in her slobber as Hotch and Rossi watched, speechless. Finally she held it out to Rossi. "Here you go."

"Uh, on second thoughts, you keep it," he said hastily, stepping away from the dripping pen.

Hotch rolled his eyes. "Emily, leave! Now!"

She huffed at him, but left the room, tucking the pen into her pocket as she did so. After one last glare, Hotch left Rossi to go hunt down Morgan.

He opened JJ's door and marched in. "Morgan, I would appreciate it if you would do some- what's wrong with her?" One of Reid's sweaters was lying on the floor, and JJ was lying on top of Morgan, who was fanning her face.

"She's sick..." Morgan whispered.

Hotch moved closer, the work momentarily forgotten. "JJ? Can you hear me honey?"

She turned her face into Morgan to block out the sounds, answering with a grumble. "I'm sick, not deaf."

"Apparently she gets grumpy when she's sick," Morgan remarked.

"Don't talk...head really hurts."

"She...has...a...fever..." Morgan mouthed to Hotch.

Hotch's forehead crinkled. "What?"

"Fever...fever..." he mouthed again.

"Oh..." Hotch made a 'How much?' gesture, and Morgan shrugged.

"Don't...have...a...thermometer..."

Hotch looked clueless. "What?"

"Don't...have...thermometer..."

That was no better. "_What?_"

"Oh for the love of God, Hotch, I couldn't find a thermometer!" Morgan ground out through clenched teeth.

Hotch studied him for a moment. "Has anyone ever told you to work on mouthing words so people can understand them?" He smirked when Morgan glowered at him. "And you don't need a thermometer. It's not that hard." Reaching over, he felt JJ's forehead. "102 degrees. Maybe 101.8."

Morgan stared at him, feeling her forehead himself, then unconsciously wiping the sweat on Hotch. "You're kidding right?"

"Why would I be kidding? It's simple. You judge from the amount of heat."

"How the hell do you get it to 101.8 degrees from the amount of heat?"

"Skill."

"Like hell it's skill."

Hotch shrugged. "Being a parent helps," he admitted. "Have you finished your reports?"

Morgan stared at him cluelessly. "What reports?"

"The Donneigh case! From three weeks ago!" Hotch said, irritated. "Go do it Morgan. Now!" He scooped up JJ and took her outside to the bullpen, dragging Morgan with him. "I understand that you've had a lot on your plate, but you've had three weeks to get this done. I'll take care of JJ while you finish it."

Emily skipped up to them. "Hey, JJ! Ooh, is Hotch giving rides?"

Hotch didn't think that deserved an answer. "Emily, stay away. I don't want you getting sick too."

Emily was immediately intrigued, and Hotch noted with a sinking feeling that a round of 20 Questions was about to start. "She's sick?"

"Yes."

"Since when?"

"This morning."

"How?"

"I don't know."

"Is she going to get better?"

"No," he answered sarcastically.

Emily looked far more interested than she should have as she asked "Is she going to die?"

"Her funeral's next week," he answered solemnly.

"Really?" she asked, apparently delighted.

JJ lifted her head from his shoulder. "I'm going to die?" she asked in horror.

"No, JJ, you're not going anywhere," Hotch replied, sighing.

Emily cocked her head to one side. "So she isn't going to die?" she asked for clarification.

"No."

"Are _you _going to die?"

_Let's hope not, _he thought, answering "Yes" out loud. Then he remembered that Emily did not understand sarcasm.

Too late.

"If you die, can I have Jack?"

_What?I _he thought. "Excuse me?"

"See, I'm Morgan's minion, and JJ was gonna be my minion, but since she's sick I still need a minion. So can I have Jack?"

Hotch gave a long, pained sigh, cursing Morgan internally. "Yes, Emily, you can have Jack. Now will you please go do something quietly?" He rubbed away his headache as he walked into his office.

"Okay, Jayje, what hurts?" he asked, laying her on his chair and opening his first aid kit.

"My head's gonna explode. And my nose is blocked. And I'm sleepy..." she curled against the armrest.

"Hmmm..." he inspected the various bottles. "I have cough medicine, sore throat medicine, cold medicine and headache medicine." He picked out the two bottles and unscrewed the caps. "Okay, here you go. Lime-flavoured cold meds and lemon-flavoured headache meds. The headache pill will probably make you sleep."

She opened her mouth. "No, wait! What flavours is the other two?"

"_Are _the other two," he corrected. "And the cough medicine is a strawberry-flavoured lollipop and the sore throat medicine is lemon Strepsils."

"I forgot to tell you I have a cough!" she said, immediately bursting into a fit of dry, raspy coughs.

"JJ..."

"I do!" she managed to get out through heaving breaths. "I think I'm gonna need that cough medicine."

He read the back of the lollipops packet, then shrugged. "Well, alright. Here...but take the other two first." He watched with hawk-eyes as she swallowed the two pills, making a sour face as she did. Then he handed her the lollipop and sat down in his chair, settling her on his lap.

Leaning back, JJ sucked on the lollipop, headache momentarily forgotten. Within five minutes, her head was starting to loll against his chest, and the lollipop was starting to slide out of her mouth. But when he tried to gently take it away, she grabbed it with a vice-like grip. After three more unsuccessful attempts to get the lolly when she seemed to have dozed off, eventually Hotch resigned himself to getting his brand new suit all sticky.

_Great, _he thought, shifting his weight so that both he and JJ would be more comfortable. _Drool, then sweat, now lollipop juice. Just great._

**XXX**

**A/N: IMPORTANT (NOT REALLY BECAUSE IT'S FLUFF, BUT IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIKE TIMELINES TO BE PRECISE AND STUFF): I decided to move the entire timeline of the story up to about ten days before Christmas (i.e. they were de-aged around ten days before Christmas) so I can write about it. **

**I think it's okay, because I never wrote about Halloween (which, in a way, was good because it means I can write about Christmas instead) or mentioned the time of year. Still not sure if I'm going to end this or not. **

**Maddie xxx**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I don't own CM or any of the characters**

**A/N: Oh and guess what? CAL won in the Profiler's Choice Awards. Thank you!**

**One other thing: I don't usually recommend fics, but I recently read Keeping His Simple Faith Alive by starofoberon and, I don't know why but I just fell in love with it, even though I DETEST Hotch/Rossi. There's so much subtle humour, and it's just one of those little gems. **

**XXX**

"Hey Hotch, is she feeling better?" Morgan asked, popping his head into Hotch's office.

"Yes, actually," Hotch answered, looking down at his suit. "She woke up a while ago and she's currently playing with Emily in her office."

"Alright. Well, me and the shrimp are gonna go now. Is that okay with you?"

"Did you finish the expense report for December?"

"Done and dusted."

Hotch glanced at his watch. "Alright. Is there any particular reason you want to leave so soon?"

Morgan shrugged. "Well, she's heading to yours tomorrow, so I figured I better pack all her stuff tonight instead of keeping it all for tomorrow morning."

"Oh, that's right," Hotch said, looking out the window to where Emily and JJ, who had apparently gotten bored in JJ's office, were in the bullpen, in the midst of a complicated finger game. "It's been a week."

"Yeah. So...we'll be going then. You should head home soon too."

"I will in about ten minutes. Say bye to JJ for me."

"Will do."

Morgan closed the door, then whistled for JJ- which, Hotch noted with disapproval, had apparently become a habit for him. Making a mental note to reprimand him, he bent over the last of the forms, working steadily.

Out in the bullpen, Morgan was waiting impatiently for their slap game to end. "What is the point of this game?"

"You hit each other and see who wins," Emily answered in a 'Duh' voice.

"But how is that...?" He trailed off, seeing there wasn't any point in arguing about the level of entertainment of their game. Taking a seat, he watched with great interest as Emily slapped JJ's hand, which was now a bright crimson color, and then quickly withdrew, waiting for JJ to slap her own beetroot-red hand.

After about five more hits, even Morgan was cringing at the loud slaps. "Okay, okay, break it up. Jeez Louise, you two are violent..." He picked up one of each of their hands and examined the red skin, wincing.

He grabbed JJ's sweater from a nearby desk. "Arms up." When she obliged, he crammed it over her head, pulled her hair out of the neck hole for her, and stood up. "Come on shrimp. Say bye to midget."

"We're going?" JJ pouted at him.

"Yeah, we need to get some work done at home." She sighed, but accepted his answer.

"Bye, Em'ly!"

"Bye minion."

"Hotch said you're leaving in ten minutes too, so be ready," he ordered Emily.

"But why are we leaving so early?" JJ asked him as she skipped after him to the elevators. "I thought we could stay really late today and so Em'ly was gonna tell me something really amazing, and she told me it was the coolest thing ever! And also we were gonna play Batman and make capes after we-"

"JJ," he interrupted her ramblings on what he was positive would have been a very destructive day. "Are you hungry?" He pressed their floor button as they stepped into the lift.

"No." After a pause, she added, "Are you?" just to be polite, he suspected. Suddenly she noticed all the other occupants of the lift, and she immediately started chattering again. "Hi Avery! Hi Peter! I haven't seen you in so long! I thought you must be sick or something, but I knew you weren't because I saw you through Strauss' window when we...Nothing."

"Hey JJ," Avery, a press co-ordinator, said, smiling. The time-turned kids were the talk of the BAU, so he had no doubts about who he was speaking to. "I haven't seen you very much either. You don't come down to our floor anymore."

"Oh, that's 'cause they won't let me go near any press conferences..." She turned to the other man, Peter, who Morgan recognized by face, but had no idea what he did. "So what have you been doing?"

He shrugged. "Well, not much really. It's been a little slow lately what with all the-"

"-Wow, cool," JJ said excitedly, effectively cutting him off. Avery hooted with laughter at Peter's expression. "Hey look, we're here!"

Morgan nodded to Avery and Peter as they exited into a small crowd of snobby-looking people he did not recognize, who had been waiting for the elevator. JJ's eager expression was instantly replaced by one of hatred, and she walked closer to Morgan- so close that she was bumping into his legs with every step.

Avery saw Morgan's confused expression and leaned towards him, eyeing the crowd, who were all dressed smartly in crisp suits. "Those're some top bureau executives..." he explained in a low voice. "Strauss' buddies. They are to the media department what Strauss is to you. Come here every year to inspect and pretty much give us all hell..." He smiled at a thin woman standing to the side. "Lina, their secretary. She's the only nice one from the lot of 'em."

JJ tugged on his sleeve, a mischievous glint shining in her eyes, just as one of the grouchy-looking men ordered Lina to press the button for the "Twenty-seventh floor, thank you."

"Wait..." JJ ran back to the elevator, pushing past the crowd, and Morgan tried to grab her when he realized what she was doing- but she was already in the lift, pressing every button while she sang, "One, two, three four five, once I pressed those floor num-bers, Six, seven, eight nine ten, then I pressed all those too..."

"No, JJ, get back here!" He squeezed into the lift and grabbed her arm in a vice-like grip, giving an awkward laugh in response to the glares aimed at him and JJ from all the occupants of the lift, and even the people who had still to get in. "Kids, what do you do, y'know?" He pulled JJ away from the buttons. "Come on!"

"But I only got to seventeen!" she protested, making Lina let out a peal of laughter. Avery, who was standing nearby, was guffawing.

"I owe you one for that," he whispered in her ear as he departed with Peter.

JJ was still trying to wriggle away from Morgan. When that didn't work, she relaxed, giving up. "Fine. I'll stop."

"Apologize to them," Morgan ordered, as the last man squeezed into the lift.

"No."

"Apologize!"

"Fine, sorry," JJ ground out, folding her arms. The executives were smirking when the lift doors slid shut, and Morgan let go of JJ's arm with a sigh.

Until he realised that she'd seen the smirks.

And she was mad.

He saw her sprint to the buttons for the lift and press them to call the lift back. Stab them, actually.

Several times.

"Aw, no, Jayje," Morgan groaned, running his hand over his head as the elevator doors opened with a _ping! _to reveal a bunch of extremely annoyed top FBI executives, and one highly amused secretary.

Morgan didn't want to get too near, well aware that it could lead to him being jobless, so he stayed a safe distance away as JJ waved at the irritated men.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said, smiling innocently. "I won't do it again."

The man at the front gave a thin-lipped smile before pressing the close button.

And just as Morgan turned away, thinking it was fine, JJ pressed the lift button again.

And back came the elevator, this time with the _ping! _sounding distinctly pissed-off.

"Look here, kid, I don't know what you're playing at, but we've got seventeen stops to our floor and if you don't stop I'm going to get your mommy or daddy fired," the man at the front, who Morgan decided to dub Grouch-Puss, hissed. JJ appeared unperturbed, and she smiled angelically as the doors closed, looking like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Lina waved goodbye at her, grinning widely.

Morgan advanced, ready to snatch her up and give her an earful, but JJ saw him and hastily jabbed the button again, neatly sidestepping him. When the doors opened, the man at the front was tapping his foot, a vein bulging in his forehead.

JJ waved with one hand, and kept the other hand on the doors to stop them from closing. "I didn't get to wave bye to Lina!" Lina was doubled over with laughter as she waved back, earning her several furious looks from her bosses, and an admiring one from Morgan.

Grouch-Puss made a visible effort to calm himself down, and gestured to JJ's hand, which was still holding the doors open. "What. Now?"

JJ had her head cocked to one side. "I'm trying to figure out if your face is maroon or purple."

At this, Morgan hastily leapt forward and snatched her up, forcibly covering her mouth and pulling her away from the elevator while he muttered a quick apology to the offended party. She elbowed him and kicked to get back and extract her revenge from the executives who had made her life miserable during inspection time, and eventually Morgan picked her up and carried her out, lecturing angrily the entire way.

"What the hell was that, JJ?"

"But it was funny!" She dissolved in laughter as she remembered their faces.

Morgan smacked her back- not hard, but enough to get her attention and stop her giggles. "It was _not _funny! It was _so_ notfunny! It was many things, but it was. Definitely. Not. Funny!"

"Alright, I'm sorry." She scowled, bouncing on his arms to get back at him for the swat.

He didn't even notice. "You know you could have gotten us both _suspended_? Or _fired_?"

She wriggled uncomfortably, feeling guilty for putting Morgan at risk, but more than ecstatic that she managed to piss off her nemesis. "I said I'm sorry. And don't hit me."

"I didn't hit you."

"Yes you did!"

"That wasn't a _hit_. And anyway, you deserved it."

She thumped his back in return- _very _hard, and with way more force than was necessary. "You're mean."

"Okay, maybe I was a little harsh," he admitted.

"Can you put me down now?"

"Sure," he agreed, and he opened his car door and threw her into the backseat, grinning. The drive home was filled with JJ's incessant chatter, most of which was about how she "so owned those doofuses!"

"You did own them," Morgan said laughingly, not wanting to condone what she had done, but finding it hilarious in hindsight. He pulled into his driveway and opened the door, carrying her out of the car. "Come on, shrimp. Let's get you packed up."

JJ stared at him for a second, then found her voice. "What? Packed up? For what?"

Clooney had jumped at them the moment they entered the house, so it took Morgan a few seconds to answer. "You're going to Hotch's tomorrow, remember? And Emily's coming here."

He felt her stiffen, and he put her down, asking "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to go to Hotch's," she mumbled.

"Why not?" Morgan asked, perplexed. He sat down on the couch, calling Clooney to him and rubbing the dog's ears.

JJ shrugged, picking at a loose thread on her sweater. "Dunno."

Morgan raised his eyebrows. "You had so much fun at Hotch's house, remember?"

"But he's mean!" JJ burst out, climbing onto the sofa with him, and sitting almost on top of Clooney, who whined, and moved so that JJ was squeezed in between him and Morgan. "And he yells."

"Well, only when you get in trouble," Morgan pointed out. "As long as you don't get into any trouble, he won't be mad."

"But I am going to get in trouble!"

_Can't deny that, _Morgan thought with a smile.

JJ continued, "And then he's gonna yell and be mad and send me to the corner and I'll be bored, and then he'll send me to bed without any dinner and I won't have anything to eat and I'll starve and my brain will explode from boredness and I'll die all by myself, all alone. And you know I'm gonna get into trouble!"

"I don't know that," Morgan said, in an effort to show his support, although he would be willing to bet his first-born child on her getting into some sort of mischief.

JJ slid off the sofa, standing in front of Morgan with an irritated sigh. "Yes you do! You know I'm gonna get in trouble!"

"No I don't."

She thumped him, hard, and he could see that she was getting frustrated. "Yes you DO!"

"Okay, okay, calm down." He held up his hands in surrender. "I do know."

This only served to work her up more. "You see? Even you're admitting it!"

"Woah, wait, what did I admit?"

"That he's gonna starve me and lock me up and yell when I get in trouble!" JJ yelled, having completely twisted his words.

Morgan could honestly say that as a four year old, she could do her job just as well as when she was older. She had just manipulated the entire conversation to be Morgan's confession of Hotch's abusive tendencies. And it was obvious by her hysterical rambling that she had made herself believe it, too.

He pulled her between his knees, kneading her shoulders in an effort to calm her down.

"Okay, there you go, calm down..." he soothed. "I'll talk to Hotch and make sure he doesn't do any of those things okay?" He continued massaging her tense shoulders until she relaxed. "There. I'll make sure he doesn't starve you, or lock you up or kill you. Emily's in one piece isn't she?"

Although Morgan doubted that having Emily in the house would be much different, he knew that the older girl was still on the lookout for embarrassing secrets, and he vowed to hide anything and everything before she arrived.

Meanwhile, Hotch and Emily had reached their house, and were about to start a similar conversation.

"So, Emily," Hotch began casually, wiping his hands on his jeans as he walked out of the bathroom. "You know you're going to Morgan's tomorrow right?"

Apparently she didn't. Her jaw dropped and she looked taken aback. "What?"

Hotch looked confused. "I thought you knew. You were there when we discussed it, weren't you?"

"I forgot..."

Hotch was befuddled. The profiler could see plainly that she was agitated, and something was bothering her. "I thought you love Morgan's house."

"I do. I mean, I did!"

"So what's wrong then?" Hotch asked, walking into the living room.

"Nothing's wrong," she lied, flopping onto the couch and grabbing the remote control for the TV.

Hotch folded his arms and tapped his foot on the floor. "Emily..."

She ignored him, flipping through channels until she found Disney Channel. Immediately, 'You've got the be-eeest of both worlds!' began blaring out of the speakers, and Hotch winced.

He walked in front of the TV, blocking the view. "Turn the volume down, please." When she did as he asked, he continued, "So why exactly don't you want to go to Morgan's house? Did he say anything?" He tried not to sound suspicious, but in all honestly, he wouldn't put it past his colleague to have spent hours scaring Emily with stories about a headless ghost in the garage, or a mutilated zombie under the bed.

Emily sighed. "No."

"Then what is it?"

She gave in. "I'll starve at his house!" she said, her eyes wide.

Whatever Hotch had been expecting, that was not it. "Excuse me?"

"You know him, he's the most irresponsible person on the planet! He'll forget to give me lunch, and then dinner, and-"

Hotch interrupted her. "How about you ask him when you're hungry?"

"He'll say 'Sure, I'll get you something to eat in a minute' but then he'll forget, and before you know it I'll be a skeleton in the bed." She frowned woefully at the image. "And plus, his food sucks!"

Hotch sat down next to her, recognizing her theatrics as her showing that she really didn't want to go. "Sucks in what way?"

"I went to his house one time with JJ and Garcia, and he only had protein shakes and stuff in the fridge," she informed him in a whisper. "And _vegetables!_" She said the word like it was a curse. "Even if he does remember to give me food, I'll only have cabbage and brussels sprouts to eat!"

Hotch put his arm around her, almost chuckling. "I think Jack's obsessive planning and worrying has rubbed off on you. I know you're used to staying here, and you didn't have time to get used to going to stay at Morgan's, but you'll have fun. And this isn't set in stone."

She crinkled her forehead. "What do you mean?"

"Well, there's no law that says Emily has to go to Morgan's and can't come back," he said. "If you really hate his house and think you're going to turn into a skeleton, we'll swap back again, okay?"

"Okay." After a pause, she added: "I think I'm gonna miss you and Jack."

"You know what? I think we're gonna miss you too."

**XXX**

**A/N: Okay, next chapter is Christmas! And I updated the Parody of CM Fanfiction, too.**

**Review! I spent ages during the HOLIDAYS working on this, just for you guys.**

**Maddie xxx**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**

**http:/ images (dot) buycostumes (dot) com/ mgen / merchandiser/19216 (dot) jpg – except with tights.**

**A/N: Merry Christmas! And I know you're all busy, but I wanted to get this to you on Christmas Day, so please review! This is Christmas: Part 1**

**XXX**

"Hi Em!" Morgan greeted cheerfully, certain that his charm outweighed Hotch's, and that his new charge would be overjoyed at the prospect of spending time with fun, lovable, hip Derek Morgan.

_Mean grouchy boss, or fun-loving dude? The choice is so obvious, _he thought, noting with satisfaction JJ's constant frowning.

So he was understandably surprised when he opened the door to reveal a grumpy-looking Em, complete with scowl, crossed-arms and pouty face.

_Maybe it's cool to be seen with grouchy bosses nowadays?_

"Well, don't look too pleased to see me!" He held his hands up in defence as she stormed past him into the house, not even bothering to say hello.

Hotch followed her in, looking way smirk-ier than Morgan was comfortable with. "Hello, you two." He dumped a duffel bag full of Emily's clothes on Morgan's couch and bent down to pet Clooney as Emily plopped down onto the couch next to JJ, throwing her winter coat on the floor.

"Hello," Morgan returned suspiciously. "What's up with her?"

Emily leapt up angrily. "What's up with me? _What's up with me?_"

Holding his hands up in surrender, he cocked an eyebrow. "O-_kay, _this is obviously a sensitive topic so I'll just..."

"I am _right _here, Morgan!" She glared at him before continuing her tirade. "If you have the gall to talk about me to someone else when I'm right here, it just proves that you're a rude, arrogant, irresponsible moron who is _so _not a gentleman and has no regard for other people! _Or _their health," she added meaningfully.

"Morgan," Hotch cut in, before she could go on, "I insist that you give her three good meals every day." His tone changed to one of monotonous memorization. "The meals must be delicious. Vegetables and fruits are not to be served unless specifically asked for. Take-out is acceptable. Protein shakes are not. The meals must be served on time. If not, you're fired. Clear?"

"Uh, sure?"

"Good. Let's go, JJ," Hotch said, grabbing her bags. "Merry Christmas, you two. You'll all be at my house this afternoon, tonight, and tomorrow for Christmas Day. Derek, I've kept some of her night things at my house so you don't have to pack her pajamas and stuff in a few hours." He waved at Emily before wrapping a scarf around JJ's neck. "Come on. Say bye to Morgan and Emily."

"Bye." JJ waved morosely at Morgan, shuffling dejectedly outside after Hotch.

"Phew, your bags weigh a ton," Hotch remarked, closing the trunk. "Seatbelt on?"

"Uh-huh." She folded her arms and sat back stiffly.

"Is something bothering you?" he asked.

She sighed, then leaned forward in her seat. "Let's get one thing straight."

"Okay..."

"If you starve, lock up, yell at, kill, maim or injure me, or hurt my feelings even a little bit, Morgan will do something..." she lowered her voice, looking around, "bad..."

_If I starve, lock up...? Who does she think I am, Strauss? Wait, KILL? _

"Excuse me?"

She rolled her eyes at his lack of memory and began her well-rehearsed speech again. "If you starve, lock up, yell at-"

"-Main, kill, injure, I got that part-"

"Then Morgan will do something...yeah. He'll do something bad."

"What?" he pressed, confused as to why she was blushing.

"I can't say! It's _rude._" But she was bursting to tell him, he could see.

"That's okay. You don't have to tell me."

_3..._

_2..._

_1..._

"Fine, I'll tell you!" She leaned forward, mouth twisted up in a smile. "His exact words were 'I'll castrate him' and then I asked him what that means and he said 'Nothing' and I said 'Tell me!' and then he said 'I'll rip his balls off, okay?'. And then he told me to please be quiet now."

"Did he?"

"Yeah."

"I see."

"Yeah. So you better not pull anything funny."

He fought back a smile, putting his hand over his heart. "I won't. Scout's honour."

"You were a scout?"

_Shit. _

"...Do you want a candy cane?"

As she accepted the candy cane from him, he congratulated himself on a job well done- or in this case, an awkward question well deflected.

At Morgan's, Emily had, after being reassured of the large selection available at Morgan's, settled down in less than two minutes flat, and had enjoyed a delicious lunch of grilled cheese sandwiches.

When she finished eating, she sat at the kitchen table and somehow became involved in a very serious discussion with Morgan about the pros and cons of Santa.

That's what they told themselves anyway. In reality, it was more like "Morgan-should-buy-Emily-more-presents-because-kids-her-age-believe-in-Santa" vs. "But-Emily-doesn't-believe-in-Santa-so-why-spend-the-extra-money?"

"Because Emily wants more presents," Morgan answered himself.

"Exactly." Emily beamed, glad to see that he was catching on. "And everyone else my age gets double the presents, so why can't I?"

"Don't worry about gifts, midget. Garcia's got that front covered." He checked his watch quickly. "Speaking of which, we should probably get you bundled up so we can be on time to Hotch's."

"It's only two."

"Yeah," he countered in a 'Well, obviously' voice. "And the quicker we get there, the more food we can eat. Jessica's going to be there, and you know what a good cook she is..."

_And also I kinda want to check up on JJ..._

"Let's go," Emily decided, stuffing her arms into her coat sleeves.

Morgan held the front door open for her. "After you."

She gave a bright smile. "You're such a gentleman! I don't know what Hotch was talking about earlier..."

"Me neither," he agreed darkly, ushering her out of the house and locking the door behind them.

The drive to Hotch's house was quick, and thankfully uneventful. Emily ran up to ring the doorbell, and they immediately heard a squeal from inside, signalling that Garcia had already arrived.

"Oh, my sugary gumdrop is here!" Garcia cried in delight when she opened the door and caught sight of them. Morgan stepped forward, expecting to be wrapped in her open arms, but he froze when Garcia reached down instead.

For Emily.

"What about me?" He nudged Emily. "Mama forgets all about me when you're around."

Garcia smacked his arm. "Aw, I never forget about my number-one love bug! C'mere, you!" She gave him a bone-crushing hug just as JJ and Jack ran to greet them, with Reid in tow.

"MORGAN!"

"Uncle Morgan!"

Two small bodies slammed into him simultaneously. Garcia laughed as he winced, whipping out a small camera and taking a dozen pictures from every possible angle.

"This is going in my Christmas scrapbook of all things Christmas."

"Good for you," he managed to choke out, carefully extracting himself from the tangle of arms. He stepped into the house completely and closed the door behind him. "Hey, Reid."

"Hello." The genius was looking around in wonder, taking in every aspect of the house, from the giant tree in the corner to the bright lights and tinsel hanging from every surface.

When Hotch entered the crowded room, he smiled at Morgan before saying "Jack, can you go to my room and find the baubles?" After Jack had run off, he turned to the guests. "Listen, Jack still believes in Santa Claus. And as tempting as I'm sure it will be for some of you," he eyed JJ, Morgan, Emily and Reid, "to explain the scientific theories or whatever reasons for you not believing, I will personally hunt you down if you tell him."

"No worries, H-man," Garcia assured him. "Em-Em and J, could you two go help Jack find the baubles?"

The second they disappeared, she narrowed her eyes. "Right, listen up, my fine comrades. Mission 'Get them to believe in Santa' is officially a go. Do whatever you have to and lie through your teeth if you must, but if those two don't believe in Santa by tomorrow, there will be hell to pay. I am not going to simply sit here and miss the chance to see their eyes light up tomorrow morning when they find that an old man has been visiting their house- which admittedly, is slightly creepy but whatever."

"Sure, princess."

"Good idea."

"Um, okay, I guess. It seems morally wrong, though."

Garcia stared at Reid for a second. "Spin some science tech-talk and I'll buy you that not-geeky-at-all Tangent Quattro WiFi Alarm Radio that I saw you smooching a few weeks ago."

"It's still not right...And I wasn't smooching!"

She ignored him. "And I'll add in the Mini LED Solar Power Rechargeable Keychain, which also serves as a data logger."

"...Done." He pulled out his phone and immediately began typing frantically.

Garcia smiled widely. "We have a deal then. Now let's get this dinner started!" Poking her head up the stairs, she yelled, "GIRLS! GUY! Get changed into those adorable little Christmas outfits for dinner! They're on Jack-Jack's bed." She bustled into the kitchen, putting Reid's reindeer antlers, Rossi's Santa beard, Hotch's nutcracker hat and her own Santa hat to the side for the moment, then turned on the radio. Immediately 'Frosty the Snowman' filled the house.

Upstairs, JJ, Emily and Jack gave a long, pained sigh, each staring at their respective outfit in distaste.

"Maybe we could burn them," Jack offered, although his tone conveyed that he knew it was a hopeless idea. Tempting, though.

Very tempting.

"This sucks," JJ said, flopping onto the bed. She fingered the fluffy white parts on her red dress. "At least I get a candy cane with mine," she added dubiously, in a brave attempt to see the bright side.

"And mine is...clean. And, uh, sparkly," Emily said.

Jack didn't say a word.

JJ gave up all pretence. "Why do I have to wear this?" she wailed. Her dress- a Mini Miss Santa dress, according to the label- was a simple red and white dress with buttons down the side. Except, Garcia had decided to pair it with white tights. And shiny black shoes. "Look at these shoes! They're _school _shoes! Nobody even wears these anymore."

Jack stayed silent.

"At least you're not an _angel_," Emily practically spat. "Why do I have to wear the halo? And _white _shoes? What is this, 1940?" She picked up the dress and paled. "Oh, no. She's given me wings!"

Finally having had enough, Jack growled at her. "I'm. An. ELF! She wants me to wear a bright green tunic and _bright yellow tights_!"

"Well," JJ said optimistically, as they all stared at Jack's costume, "the top is fine."

"Bright. Yellow. _Tights_!"

"Okay, so yours is the worst."

Jack didn't even acknowledge that. "I'm not wearing the shoes," he said flatly, gesturing to the standard pointy, curled-toe shoes for elves.

Just then, Morgan appeared in the doorway. "Garcia sent me to ask you what's taking so- Damn, those are...wow." He cracked up. "Oh, man, this will be priceless. Who's the elf?"

"Me," Jack admitted grudgingly.

"Just be glad she didn't dress you like a present, a Christmas tree and a reindeer," Morgan told them through his chuckles. "She was going to, but they didn't have the right sizes."

The three reluctantly changed into their Christmas outfits and stared at themselves in the mirror.

"We actually look kinda cute," Emily decided. "I think it's okay."

Jack was looking distracted. "Yeah, sure. Hey, guys?"

"What?" JJ answered absently, busily trying to do the buckle on her shoes.

"Do you believe in Santa Claus?"

Emily and JJ exchanged glances. "Um, we don't know. We're on the fence about it. You?"

Jack looked at them for a second. "I know you don't believe. I mean, it doesn't even make sense. How does he do it all?" Glancing outside to make sure no one was within hearing distance, he quickly closed his door. "But we can't tell anyone."

"Why not?" JJ asked obstinately, moving on to the other shoe.

He lowered his voice to a slight whisper. "Because Daddy still believes. And so does Aunt Penelope! And I think Uncle Spencer does too."

"They what?" Emily asked, completely confused.

"We can't spoil it for them. Otherwise their Christmases will be ruined, and we don't to wreck their fun. So we should just pretend that we think Santa's real in front of them, so they don't find out."

"Hotch isn't as good a profiler as he thinks he is, is he?" Emily commented, more to herself than to anyone else. Jack and JJ nodded, promised not to mention Santa's inexistence in front of the adults, and trooped downstairs.

"Ah, there you are!" Garcia cooed when she saw them.

"Where is everyone?" Emily asked as Garcia re-did her halo.

"Rossi just arrived, and he, Morgan and Hotch are in the dining room, _trying _to help me with dinner." She snorted. "Trying being the key word. And Reid is- here he is! Don't they look the picture of cute?" Suddenly she froze. "My sauce! It's burning! Move, genius, before I knock off your IQ points!"

Reid stared after her. "Is it even possible to burn sauce?" He walked after JJ, Emily and Jack, who had taken seats on the plush living room sofas. "So..."

"I bet Santa's gonna bring me lots of presents!" Jack informed Reid brightly.

_Bingo, _the young man thought, and he took the opportunity to launch into a scientific lecture. "There is proof that Santa's real, you know," he said casually, looking pointedly at JJ and Emily.

_Take the bait, take the bait..._

"Like what?"

"Like the research and documentation by the North American Aerospace Defense Command. They have it, on their website, noradsanta. They even track him."

Jack looked interested. "How?"

Reid began eagerly. "Well you see, satellites positioned in geo-synchronous orbit at 22, 300 miles from the Earth's surface are equipped with infrared sensors, which enable them to detect heat. Amazingly, the red nose of Rudolph gives off an infrared signature which allows the sleigh to be tracked."

JJ looked thoroughly confused, but both Jack and Emily wore expressions of amazement.

"So he's real?" Emily asked.

"According to the American government, yes," Reid stated solemnly.

"But then how does he do it?" JJ asked, not as impressed with the scientific mumbo-jumbo as the other two.

"Do what?"

"How does he spy on everyone to know who's naughty and who's nice?" She thought for a second more. "And how does he check a whole list of a gazillion names? That must take him a whole year to read. And _twice? _How does he read it twice?"

"Well," Reid started smoothly, well aware that they were hanging on to his every word, "He has over three million elves, each of which spy on- I mean, check," he hastily corrected himself, "that the children in each house are behaving."

"And the list?" Jack asked.

"That song was written centuries ago," Reid said confidently. "Now he has a huge database which does all the work for him. And you can enter dozens of searches into a database in minutes."

He was pleased to see that they looked appeased. Alarm radio, coming his way!

"But wait," Emily said slowly, "how does he do all that in 24 hours?"

"Oh," Reid said, "he functions within his own time-space continuum. In fact, experts believe that he may even have mastered the ability to teleport using small black holes, which allow him to travel all over earth within seconds, and even go backwards in time. Another theory by leading Santologist Michael Kwain is that energy from antimatter, which is faster than the speed of light, powers the sleigh, thus allowing Santa to achieve speeds faster than we can imagine. Of course, the radiation produced from such a reaction would mean he would have to use some sort of ionic shield to protect himself, but I'm sure-"

"Okay, thank you," JJ said smoothly. "We need to go do something now."

"Yeah," Emily echoed. "We need to go write letters to Santa."

"You mean you haven't?" Reid said, feigning surprise.

"We forgot," they said, running up the stairs, Jack quickly following after. Reid collapsed on the couch, congratulating himself.

Morgan cleared his throat from behind him. "You memorized the first part from the website didn't you?"

"And everything else from various other sources."

**XXX**

**A/N: As a little Christmas gift to all you wonderful readers, I'll pick a reviewer at random from this chapter and write a one- or two-shot with a pairing of your choice AND a genre of your choice AND a rating of your choice for you. Alternatively, you could choose what happens in a chapter of Cookies and Lollipops, but you'd probably prefer your own one-shot =D**

**If you get picked (from a hat, for anyone who's wondering), I'll PM you. Just to say thank you to everyone who's been reading and reviewing so far! Open until I post the next chapter.**

**Maddie xxx **


	17. Chapter 17

Jack, Emily and JJ tiptoed into the kitchen where Hotch was putting the finishing touches to the meal. The rest of the team were in the living room, laughing loudly about something.

"Dad," Jack said urgently, making sure no one else could hear them. "How long does it take to send letters to Santa?"

Hotch put down the knife he was holding carefully. "That depends. On Christmas Day you can send a letter in seconds."

JJ squealed happily. "Really?"

"Yes." He surveyed them thoughtfully. "Why? Did one of you forget to send Santa your letters this year?"

"Uh, yeah. Kind of," Jack answered, glancing at his friends. "Yeah. We all did. So can you send them for us?"

"Of course," Hotch replied solemnly. "Your secret's safe with me."

The three of them each put a plain white sealed envelope on the kitchen counter, with strict instructions not to read the letters on pain of death. He promised he wouldn't read anything, and, satisfied, they ran back up tto Jack's room.

After checking to make sure they'd gone, Hotch grabbed the letters and went into the living room, where Morgan was cackling at some joke.

"I have Christmas letters!" was enough to bring silence to the room. For about two seconds.

Then Garcia, Morgan, Reid and Rossi ran at him, pushing and shoving to get at the letters.

Hotch looked at them all sternly. "Nobody can say anything about us reading these. Garcia, will you do the honours and read them out loud for us?"

And so he cleverly avoided his promise to not read any of the letters.

"Bien-sure, mon ami." Garcia settled back on the couch with an expectant grin, and tore open the first letter. "Letter number 1: Jack-Jack!" She read out loud:

_Dear Santa Claus,_

_For Christmas this year, please can I have_

_A lightsaber that flashes on and off when you swing it like the type billy has_

_A new bike. But my dad said I can't have a new bike until I'm 9 so I can wait two years as long as the bike you get me is really really awesome_

_A super spy kit with a fake gun. And can you please drop this off at my room insted of under the cristmas tree because Daddy doesn't like guns even though he's a cop. _

_Sorry this is late and thank you sincerly,_

_From Jack Hotchner._

"I am not a cop!"

"Awww, how cute," Garcia crooned, folding it back up. "He's so polite!"

"What did you get him?" Reid asked.

Hotch was relieved that he'd fulfilled two of the requests. "The spy kit and the lightsaber. He didn't think Santa was real so he's been telling me what he wants for the past two months!"

Laughing, Garcia slit open the second envelope. "Letter number two: Em-Em!"

It started off '_Dear Santa,_

_Sorry this is late. I didnt believe you were real but now I do. If you don't get this, its ok I forgive you because I know its late. I didnt have time to think what I want so anything is ok. But I definetly want something to hit morgan's head with when he annoys me. Anything like a baseball bat or a shoe would be fine to hit that baldy with..._

Morgan's mouth dropped open and his hand went up to his hair. "I am not bald! I shavemy head because I _want _to!"

_...He called me names yesterday so you shouldnt get him anything. You can give his presents to me because I was nice and I told you how naughty he is. I also would like toys. _

_Thank you very much, from Emily Prentiss.'_

Morgan was looking affronted. "That conniving little..."

"Can it, baldy, she's getting a baseball bat and that's final," Garcia said firmly. "And that was so sweet how she said she'll forgive him, wasn't it? Last but not least, we have letter number three: JJ!"

It was apparent to everyone that JJ had not learned her people skills- she was born with all of them.

_Dear mr santa claus,_

_merry crismas! this is jj. how are you? i hope you are good. how is mrs claus and rudolph? you can tell them hi from me. i was very good this year and i saved lots of poeple from murder and things like that. i didnt do anything bad at all and i helped hotch and morgan and reid and everyone all the time..._

Hotch, Morgan and Reid snorted.

_...and so i think i deserv alot of things from you this year. so what i want is a soccer shirt that says my name on it jj and a supersoker and those jackets and gun things to play lasertag and also i want shoes that have flashie lights when i walk and also a pony. that is do-able because it is only 5 things rite? _

_and its not my fault this is late so dont blame me. emily and jack told me your not real but i always thought you were so its there fault. also you can get somthing nice for morgan and hotch because they are being nice to me even when im anoying them. and also garcia because she got me clothes but you cant get anything for rossi because he already has evrything. and you can get reid a girlfriend. or maybe a cup of coffee because i think he would like both. and since im being nice and telling you to give stuff to other people you should give me a bonus gift. i want a big tub of body glitter. and it has to be pink._

_thank you very much for your attention and i really appreciate you taking time to read this. jj. _

"Wow," Morgan said. "That's a lot of stuff for a small tyke like her."

"What I got her is way better than that crap!" Garcia said resolutely. "My presents will blow her socks off."

"I'm sure they will," Hotch said, smiling. "And I appreciate her calling me nice, although it was probably just to squeeze a tub of body glitter out of Santa."

Everyone chuckled, sealed up the letters again, and sat back on the couches with their drinks, resuming their previous conversations.

Two hours later, a voice rose up over the others.

"Okay okay okay! Everyone shut your unusually loud chatterboxes and metaphorically lend your ears to me for an extended period of time that will be confirmed in due course," Garcia said, putting down her fourth drink. At the confused faces staring up at her, she sighed as if she was extremely disappointed. "That means shut up and listen to me. I want a group picture. Rossi, would you do the honours?"

"Sure."

"JJ! EMILY! JACK! GET DOWN HERE NOW!" Garcia shrieked up the stairs. They came running down and were immediately directed into position by Rossi, who was taking his duties- namely, press the shutter- very seriously.

"Morgan, stop giving Reid bunny ears! JJ, stand on your tiptoes or it cuts off at your chin. Hotch, move closer to Garcia, you're out of the picture. Remember to leave a space for me. Now get ready..." Rossi ordered, carefully turning the nob on the camera. "And, smile!"

Everyone smiled huge, cheesy grins. JJ even did jazz hands.

"Oh, wait. Hold on." He twiddled with a dial. "There, think I got it. Stay exactly how you were- That was beautiful just now. _Morgan, stop giving Reid bunny ears! _Thank you. Now, smile again!"

Everyone smiled big, bright smiles.

"Um." Rossi pressed the camera button. Then he pushed it down a few more times. Nothing happened. "I don't...ah, yeah, here we go. Okay, say cheese!"

Everyone smiled.

When the camera stayed silent, Rossi frowned sheepishly. "That was my bad, I think. But don't worry, I know how to make it work. You just turn this, and change the setting here so it's set to ten seconds, and then you turn this so it's set to that, and- no, I can do it..." he waved Garcia back to her spot. "You go stand next to Hotch."

She raised an eyebrow sceptically, but did as she was told.

Rossi crossed his arms in annoyance. "Now you ruined the layout! Get back where you were."

"Here? I was here right?"

"No, Garcia, you were standing slightly to the left. Move left!" He crossed the room to fix her position. "Your feathers are blocking Emily's halo- move! Oh, for the love of God! Morgan, carry Emily, and get your hands away from Reid's head. Garcia, you stay where you are. Now _don't move. _Jack, fix your tights, they're scrunching up."

Striding back to the other side of the room, Rossi adjusted the camera's position and zoomed in slightly. Then he zoomed out again. "There we go. Perfect. Now say sausages!"

"Sausages!" Morgan, Reid, Garcia, and Hotch chorused- although the latter did so with considerably less enthusiasm than his colleagues. JJ, Jack and Emily turned up the corners of their mouths slightly.

Rossi made a big show of pushing the tiny little shutter button...and nothing. No flash, no click, no picture.

He scowled at the tiny device. "Whose camera is this? It's a piece of crap."

"Maybe-" Garcia began.

"No, I know how to use a camera." Rossi glared at the little piece of metal from hell, wondering what to do. He pressed settings, and surveyed the list of choices. Flash, shutter speed, macro, night, focus...

_What the hell did all those mean?_

"Hurry up!" Jack complained, wiggling around. "I'm getting pins and needles!"

"You be quiet, Tighty McTighty Pants," Rossi bit back sharply. "If you want a good picture, you will let the maestro work his magic."

"Problem is, maestro's over _here_," Garcia muttered, adjusting the feathers on her green and red feather boa. Rossi ignored her.

Twiddling the dial- the same dial he'd twiddled twenty times already- he straightened, smiling. "Got it now and- you messed up your positions! Morgan, you're creasing Emily's dress. Hold her down a bit. _And stop giving Reid bunny ears. _JJ, Jack, and Reid, you lot stop fidgeting. Hotch..._smile. _Garcia, move a bit to the left. Reid, to the right. Slightly more. Bit more. Good. Everybody ready?"

"We have been for the last half hour," Hotch said darkly.

"Good. Now...say cheese!"

Morgan gave a strained smile. Hotch stayed stoic. Garcia looked annoyed, but attempted a grin anyway. JJ, Jack and Emily were, to their credit, looking at the camera, although their facial expressions...

Rossi bent down to the camera, pointed it straight at them, and raised his arm with a flourish. "3...2...1..."

Nothing.

"I think I know what's wrong this time," Rossi started to say, but Hotch cut him off.

"Who votes Garcia does it?" he asked loudly.

"Well, I wouldn't mind..."

"Yeah, I mean, if it gets the job done..."

"YES!"

"PLEASE!"

"I'M BEGGING YOU!"

Wearing a satisfied smirk, Garcia strolled over to the camera and turned it on. "There. Now you may take the picture."

Rossi stared at her open-mouthed, then chose not to comment on his own stupidity. "I knew that. Now get back in position! One, two, three! Smile!" He pressed the button and quickly ran into the frame when the camera started the countdown.

5...4...3...2...1..._Click! _

The shutter went off, and everybody immediately dispersed to the various parts of the house that interested them. Rossi ran to the camera and, picking it up eagerly, checked the photo. His mouth dropped open for the second time that day as he looked upon his handiwork.

Garcia was smirking. Big time.

Hotch was standing still and silent, not a hint of a smile gracing his features.

Reid's pained expression was making him look like he _really _needed to use the toilet.

JJ was looking up.

Emily was looking down.

Jack was looking at Garcia.

And Morgan?

Morgan was giving Reid bunny ears.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: I'm sorry, the 'preview' I gave in the last chapter was wrong because this chapter got waaay too long, so I decided to split it into half. ****Anyway...**

**XXXXXXX STOP STOP STOP READ THIS FIRST! STOP! XXXXXX**

**Last chapter was supposed to be a tide-you-over, but because I felt bad for not updating in so long, I went back and added to it and now instead of 600 words it's 2000. So before you read this go back and read that. **

**Now...**

**XXX**

"Morgan!" Emily called down the stairs, her shoulders and head extended over the banister.

No reply.

In the living room, the adults simultaneously groaned. Furtive glances revealed that each had decided on the same strategy: ignore it and it will leave.

"Hey! Morgan! MORGAN!"

"Derek just go..." Garcia said, pushing him off the couch. "Before our eardrums spontaneously combust."

Morgan didn't move. "What do you want?" he called.

Emily continued screeching. "MOOORGAAAN! MORGAAAANAAA! Morgan! Moorigan! Mortigan! Mowgli! Mo-"

"WHAT?" A very grouchy Morgan appeared at the foot of the stairs.

"Where's my stuff?"

He rubbed his head tiredly. "Under the tree, midget. With all your other presents."

"No," she said, obviously annoyed. "Where's all my things? _My _stuff?"

"Your night things?" he asked.

"Yeah."

He checked his watch in surprise. "You left the bag in the car- why? You're sleeping _now_? But it's only eight...are you feeling alright?" Surprise quickly turned to suspicion. "Are you planning something? Because if you are, let me tell you, it's not too late for Santa to do a re-call if you pull something extra-bratty."

She looked down at him with purposefully big, wounded eyes. "Why are you calling me a brat? I didn't even do anything..."

"Shut up, Em," he told her, seeing right through it. "I'm not stepping outside. _You _left the bag, so _you _can freeze your ass off outside. I'm not going."

Her shoulders drooped and she gave a sad sigh. "Okay. If you're not going, I guess..."

"I'm not going." He shook his head firmly. "Nope. No way. I'll give you the keys."

Emily moved away from the banister so she could work her angel dress, all the while staring at Morgan with big puppy-dog eyes. "You know you really did hurt my feelings when you called me a brat."

He looked at her.

"What? I'm just saying...Just saying while I'm on my way outside in a thin white dress, and now I'm passing a man who's wearing three sweaters...But I still have to go outside, where I know I'll get frostbite and my _toes _will fall off, and my _fingers _will fall off, and my _nose _will be super-cold, and my whole _face_ will fall off and then I'll get pneumonia and _die_!"

"I'll come visit you in the hospital," he replied, unmoved. Emily stuck her bottom lip out and looked up at him teary-eyed. When nothing worked, she crossed her arms and took a deep breath...

"GARCEEEE-A!" She kept her eyes on Morgan, a small smile playing at her lips as she watched his expression morph from firm resolution to frenzied panic. "Morgan's being mean to-"

In panic, Morgan rushed to her side and covered her mouth in one swift move. "You little creature from hell." It was a statement. "Fine, I'll get it. But you owe me!"

"Mffwwl mwwf mmhm."

He opened the door, screwing up his face at the cold wind outside, and stalked to the car, bringing back the bag and throwing it at Emily. "There. Now for the love of God, _go_!"

"Thank you!" She smiled sweetly and ran up the stairs to Jack's room, where Jack and JJ were wrestling on the floor. She fished JJ's night clothes out of the other girl's bag, and found a pair of Superman pajamas in Jack's closet. "Okay, listen up!"

JJ loosened her grip on Jack's noise, and he cautiously let go of her hair, quickly dumping a few stray strands of blonde hair on the carpet before she caught a glimpse of them.

"What?"

"I told them we're going to bed now," Emily announced. "And we actually have to."

"Aw, why?" JJ moaned, although she deftly caught the clothes Emily threw at her. Jack did the same, raising an eyebrow at Emily.

She simply asked "How many people are sleeping here tonight?"

JJ looked at her fingers as she calculated. "One, me. Two, you. Three, Jack. Four, Hotch. Five, Reid. Six, Morgan. Seven, Garcia. Eight, Rossi." She smiled brightly, proud of herself. "Eight exactly!"

"Yeah," Jack agreed. "So?"

"And how many beds are there?" Emily asked a question again.

JJ resumed her counting. "One, Jack's bed. Two, Jack's trundle bed. Three, Hotch's bed."

"Two adults or three kids can fit on Dad's bed, and the guest room is all cleared out now," Jack butted in. "That has one bed."

"Okay..." JJ studied her fingers pensively for a second. "So that's three and four, Hotch's bed. Five, the guest room."

"...And six and seven and eight sleep on the floor and on the couch!" Jack finished in realization. He opened his mouth, but Emily was quicker.

"Bagsy Jack's bed!" she screamed, leaping onto said bed, a satisfied smirk on her face.

Jack accepted it, and looked around his room quickly. "Shotgun...guest room, then!" He folded his arms and sat down on the carpet near Emily's feet, looking at JJ expectantly.

JJ surveyed the room for a moment, making up her mind. "Then I want either the trundle or Hotch's bed."

"Uh-huh," Jack agreed. "You know what, let's make it more difficult for them."

"How?"

"Um, okay, so Emily's in here and I'm in the guest room right? JJ if you sleep on the trundle here, that will mean that two people have to share Daddy's bed!" His eyes gleamed. "Perfect right?"

Emily and JJ stared at him for a moment. Then: "Rossi and Reid!"

"No! Rossi and _Hotch_!"

"Yeah! Dad! But Uncle Rossi won't care so it should be Dad and Aunt Penelope!"

Emily scoffed at him. "Uh, like she'd care. She'd probably snuggle up to him all night."

JJ clapped her hands. "We should decide now," she said, and when Jack and Emily agreed, she carried on. "So who do we definitely not want together?"

"Morgan and Garcia!" Emily said immediately.

"Yeah." JJ nodded in agreement. "And one person should definitely be Hotch, 'cause he's the most stupid about personal space. No offense," she quickly added, nodding at Jack, who shrugged.

"None taken. He is kinda weird about things like that." Wiggling his toes on the carpet, Jack thought for a second. "So we want him."

"And not with Morgan 'cause that is just a disaster waitin' to happen," JJ proclaimed. "And not with Rossi 'cause he won't care."

"That leaves Garcia or Reid," Emily finished, smirking devilishly.

"Choices, choices..." Jack mused, weighing his hands like a scale. "On one hand, Uncle Spencer will die of awkwardness and embarrassment, and Dad will be annoyed. Probably 50-50 in annoyance levels."

"But on the other hand..." JJ said, "Garcia won't care at all. But she'll do really weird things all night and make Hotch feel _really _awkward. Maybe 150-0 in annoyance levels?" She glanced at Jack and Emily, who nodded.

"It's settled then," Jack announced, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Dad and Aunt Penelope."

"Ooh, we _have _to get Hotch's camera for this!"

**XXX**

**A/N: And I should have a Rossi/Emily M one-shot for creativewritinggirl13 up soon (seriously, I **_**cringed **_**while writing it...but I guess it got me out of my comfort zone?)**

**Okay, so about the next chapter: it's getting a little too long, so would you like more Hotch/Garcia snuggle bugging together and I split the next one into two, or keep it as one? **

**Please review for this chapter and the last one...it would make my Valentine's! **

**Happy Valentine's Day! Madeline xxx**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I re-wrote this chapter so it completely changed. CreativeWritingGirl13, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post your oneshot, it should be up by next week. **

**A/N 2: Review if you have time, don't if you don't. But if you're reading this, please make time to say a prayer or make a donation to all the earthquake and tsunami victims in Japan.**

**Maddie xxx**

**XXX**

"So what should we do now?" Jack asked, lying on the floor and looking at JJ expectantly. She was the unspoken Ideas Generator. With a capital.

"I don't know," she answered, picking at a loose thread on Jack's Buzz Lightyear quilt.

"Not bed," Emily said firmly. "Definitely not bed." She thought for a second. "Maybe we could play a game, like about naming movie quotes?"

JJ and Jack looked at her for a second, then simultaneously burst into laughter. JJ looked up through her giggles. "You're joking right?"

Emily sighed. "Yeah. Of course I am."

JJ perked up suddenly. "Hey, how 'bout we watch a movie?"

"A movie?" Jack repeated, as if the concept was alien to him.

Emily jumped off Jack's bed happily. "Yeah! Great idea, Jayje. So where do you keep your movies?"

"Downstairs." Jack got up off the floor, and, opening his door, made his way down the stairs. "Above the TV. I can't even reach them," he added sourly.

"Why?" Emily asked, smirking at him. "Did Hotch have to hide your movies when you started watching too much TV?" She took the stairs two at a time, much to the delight and amazement of JJ.

"No!" Jack scowled at Emily, but then his shoulder slumped and he gave a small nod. "Well, yeah. Kind of. And it would help if you asked Dad if we could watch something, 'cause he's nicer to guests and I'm kinda not allowed to watch TV after seven."

JJ and Emily stopped at the foot of the stairs, torn between amusement and sympathy. Finally settling on sympathy, they agreed, and the three of them trekked into the living room, their bunny slippers shuffling on the carpet.

The adults were engaged in what _sounded _like a boring conversation, so Emily figured that it would be okay to interrupt. She looked around quickly for the DVDs, and when she spotted them on a high shelf, she clapped her hands for attention.

"Attention, earthlings!" When everyone but Morgan and Garcia turned to look at her, she frowned. "Pen! Mowgli! Look here!"

"You talkin' to me?" Morgan asked her, one eyebrow raised. He looked to Hotch for help when Emily squealed in excitement.

"It's a sign! It's a sign!"

"Lost you there, midget," Morgan said slowly and clearly.

Emily immediately started to babble excitedly. "See, I wanted to play a game where we gotta talk in movie quotes but Jack and JJ said no because they're boring and they don't know anything, but now you just said something from _Taxi Driver _so it's a sign that we're supposed to play it!"

"Let's see..." Jack pretended to weigh it up. "_Talk _about movies..._Watch _a movie...Hmm, that's a toughie..."

"I don't know, Jack," JJ said slowly, looking at him worriedly, "Seems pretty obvious to me..."

Hotch sighed. "Jayje, he was being sarcastic. And I'm assuming you all came down here to watch a movie?"

"No!" Emily said. "The Movie Game!"

Jack and JJ squared their shoulder, ready to face off. "Movie!"

"THE MOVIE GAME!" Emily screeched. "Morgan, tell them!"

"Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!" JJ chanted, dancing around Emily as the older girl fumed.

"Sorry Em, out-voted," Jack said apologetically.

Emily prepared to leap forward, but Rossi quickly held her back. "Hold on there. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye."

She glanced at him, smirking. "Tarzan, but it originated in...Ancient Rome, I think?"

He smiled, but said "Okay, I think that's enough. Let's just-"

"Schoolteacher, in Talladega Nights." She knew that she was infuriating Jack and JJ, and she was glad.

"Impressive," Hotch started, seeing that Jack and JJ were getting annoyed "but-"

"Darth Vader, Star Wars- Episode V," Emily said, pausing for a moment. "But it was also said by-"

Jack crossed his arms, scowling. "I don't give a damn!" Seeing Hotch's glare, he quickly backed off. "I, uh, I meant..." He trailed off, and there was a tense silence in the room as Hotch stared sternly at his son. The rest of the adults watched in silence.

Then: "Gone With the Wind," Emily said quietly.

Hotch's lips quirked upwards a millimetre, and then grinned outright. "You should be on TV."

"Small Time Crooks!" Emily cried, jumping onto the sofa. Jack and JJ giggled, finally seeing the funny side.

"Um, now, there is a small matter to address," Hotch said. "I'm sorry, girls, but Jack knows he's not allowed to watch TV at night."

"But it's Christmas Eve!" JJ said pleadingly.

Jack nodded apprehensively, waiting for his father's reaction. When Hotch didn't say anything, simply fixing his son with a severe look, Jack sighed and switched tactics. "Please, Daddy? Please? We won't watch a scary movie, and we won't stay up past ten..."

Hotch hesitated for a second, and then nodded. "Alright, fine. _One _movie. And then that's it, bed time."

Emily smiled happily- the moment Hotch had said they _couldn't _watch a movie, she had wanted to. "Let's see...Um..." She turned to Hotch accusingly. "Why'd you have to put them so high? I can't even read these!"

JJ, who had come to a similar conclusion, went up to Morgan. "Morgan, can I sit on your shoulders?"

He pursed his lips, pretending to think about it. "Hmm, I don't know...I didn't hear any magic words."

"Abracadabra Alakazoom!"

He laughed, picking her up and, standing up, he set her on his shoulders. "There you go, shrimp."

Emily and Jack observed this exchange, and then turned to Hotch and Rossi, who rolled their eyes, but lifted them onto their shoulders. Reid looked affronted.

"How come no-one asked me?"

"I'll ask you next time, Reid," JJ said, looking to make sure that his feelings weren't hurt. Satisfied, she turned back to the shelf of DVDs, running her fingers over the many covers. "Jeez, you have a lot of movies."

"How about...Star Wars?" Jack asked, holding it up. JJ point-blank refused, holding up Mulan instead. Emily was okay with either, but she insisted on watching Rush Hour 3.

Hotch nodded wisely. "What we've got here," he said, smiling at Emily, "is failure to communicate."

She beamed at him. "Cool Hand Luke."

Jack, who had replaced the Star Wars box, picked another one off the shelf. "Finding Nemo! Let's watch Finding Nemo!"

"Yeah!" JJ agreed. "No eating here tonight, no eating here tonight, you're on a di-et..." She smiled happily. "I love that part."

Emily was smirking at her.

"What?"

"You played my game. _Before _we even started the movie."

JJ laughed, accepting defeat, and after being put down, the three went upstairs to Hotch's room to start the movie.

"We get presents tomorrow," JJ said, settling back on the pillows.

Emily, who had hogged the remote, nodded in agreement. "Lots of presents."

"A whole mountain of presents." Jack sighed happily as Dory babbled on the screen. "Now be quiet, I'm missing my favourite part."

An hour later, when Hotch went up to check on them, he found the three of them curled up on his bed, the light still on, and the TV volume on full.

xxx

The next morning at five, Garcia rubbed her head. "Ow. What is that _noise_? Make it stop..."

"Mffwhfwfm," Rossi mumbled.

The noise got closer.

"Is that a freight train?" Garcia asked, poking Rossi, who sat up groggily.

"Sounds more like a banshee to me."

The screaming got closer.

And closer.

And closer.

"WE'VE GOT PRESENTS!" JJ screamed, running into the room and turning on all the lights. "WAKE UP! It's CHRISTMAS!"

Hotch, in the guest room, was woken up in a similar fashion by Jack, while Emily saw to Morgan and Reid's waking arrangements.

The tired adults trooped downstairs to the Christmas tree, where they sat in what resembled a circle around it, rubbing their eyes sleepily.

JJ settled in next to Hotch, while Jack and Emily sat next to Garcia. Reid entered the room quietly, handing everyone much-needed cups of coffee.

"Okay, quiet down," Jack ordered. "I'll give out the presents." He handed each present out one by one, and then stood by his own overflowing pile. "Who wants to go first?"

"Let's all open our presents from Reid first," Garcia said, making him blush. "I got...Let's see...Ooh, I love the big bow, genius, you certainly know my flamboyant taste." Her mouth dropped open. "Oh my sugar, this is amazing!" She proudly showed off her new fuzzy pink polka-dotted laptop case.

Jack, Emily, Morgan, Rossi, Hotch and JJ went next, each thrilled with their geeky gifts. Jack in particular loved his spy shirt, which had a hidden camera sewn in front.

"Next: ME!" Garcia said gleefully, pushing her presents at everyone.

"Wow..." JJ breathed when she saw hers. It was a pair of sneakers with neon glow-in-the-dark shoelaces.

Emily was in love with her 'Invisible String' –'Trip Up Whoever You Want!' the slogan said proudly.

"Thank you Aunt Penelope!" Jack cried, shoving an Astronaut-flavoured popsicle into his mouth. He carefully deposited his other present from Garcia, a skateboard, on the floor.

Rossi went next, and although his present consisted more of watches and personalized notebooks, they all thanked him profusely anyway.

Hotch looked uncomfortable as people started opening his gifts. "I didn't know what to get for all of you, so I'm sorry if-"

"Hotch, this is awesome!" JJ cried, showing off her gift. It was a beautiful snowglobe, with a soccer player inside with a shirt that said 'JJ #1'.

He smiled at her. "I'm glad you like it. Jack, did you like your spy kit?"

Jack was almost giddy with happiness. "I got a spy shirt, and now I have a spy _gun_ too!"

Morgan gave Reid a pair of chopsticks and a special calculator-watch, Rossi a book called 'How to get out of Life's Most F***ed up Moments', Jack a punching bag, JJ a pair of soccer shoes, Emily a basketball, Garcia a Christmas teddy and a bag of chocolate hearts, and Hotch two presents: one was a special pen that could act as a remote for anything in the house, and...a pair of butt cheek boxers.

Hotch quickly hid the boxers behind him as everyone else collapsed in hysterics. "Okay, what did Santa get for you kids?" he asked, trying to change the mood. It worked, the boxers forgotten as they ripped off the wrapping on the most awaited-for gift of the day.

"I got a Screaming Monkey Slingshot!" Emily shouted in glee, immediately using it on Morgan's head. He gave Garcia a wounded look, but she was too busy laughing to notice.

"I got Silly Bandz!" JJ said happily. "And lots and lots and lots and lots of body glitter!" She tried to stick some on Hotch.

He swatter her hand away. "What about you Jack? What did you get?"

His mouth had dropped open. "I got a lightsaber! With three different light colors so I can be _anyone_!"

"Thank you everybody for _all _my presents!" JJ said happily.

"Thank you!"

"Yeah, thank you!"

Taking their cues, the adults exchanged thank yous too. Suddenly, Jack stopped mid-sentence.

"Wait, we forgot our gifts to you!" He ran behind the tree where a couple of envelopes were lying. "We didn't have any money, so we had to do our best. Here." He thrust them at Hotch, who gave them out, an eyebrow raised.

Reid ripped his open. "Three coupons to get coffee for Spencer Reid whenever he wants us to. Can be redeemed at any time between now and infinity," he read out, laughing. "Thank you very much."

Garcia barely waited for him to finish before ripping hers open. "Three coupons for Free-Hugs-and-Hair-Ruffles Without Complaining About It. Aw, thank you my little cherubkins!"

"Three coupons for Strauss-bugging, if you buy the stuff and take the blame," Rossi read in amusement. "I'm sure that'll come in handy."

"And then we ran out of envelopes, so we had to put yours and Morgan's in the same envelope," Jack explained, .

"But it's the same present anyway, so it's okay right?" JJ looked at them worriedly.

"It's fine," Hotch reassured her, carefully tearing open the envelope. "6 coupons that when you use them will mean that we have to stop annoying you and leave you alone even if we need you for something."

Morgan had his eyes closed and a blissful smile on his lips. "This is the best present anyone has ever given me." The three gift-givers in question looked torn between feeling glad and feeling offended.

"Morgan!" Hotch said warningly. "I can see that you've put a lot of thought into this, and I really do appreciate the gift, as does Morgan, I'm sure." He shot the other profiler a steely look. "But you do know that even if we find you annoying sometimes, we love you really. And I would never, ever not want you to come to me or anyone else if you needed help. Especially you, Jack."

They nodded.

Emily shrugged. "But then I guess you don't need those. So we could give them to someone el-"

"No!" Hotch cut in quickly, his hand clenching around the coupons. Morgan's panicked expression subsided. "I mean, that won't be necessary, Emily. We'll just cross out the end part and make it 'unless we need you for something', and they'll be as good as new."

"These are really good drawings on the coupons," Rossi commented. "Who drew them?"

"I did!" Emily said proudly. "It took me a whole hour."

"But you used my pens, so I was kind of drawing too," Jack put in. "And I did _all _the writing."

Rossi smiled at him. "The writing is excellent."

JJ scrunched up her forehead, thinking. "I wrote on some of them," she said finally. "Before they said my writing was too messy. And I sat there for the whole hour with them, even when they said I had horrible handwriting."

"You were their moral support," Morgan said. When she beamed at him, he grinned back. "C'mere, you. And you. And you." They ran over to give him hugs, and stayed there.

The adults kept talking, and within half an hour the kids' eyes started drooping downwards. Jack leaned back into Hotch's lap while JJ curled up between Reid and Garcia, and Emily leaned into Morgan tiredly.

"I think, seeing as it's six in the morning and we were woken up at five by the energizer bunnies, I think it's time for a nap," Morgan said.

"Good idea," Hotch agreed, lifting Jack up. He was just about to stand up when the phone rang. "Dave, can you take Jack for a moment?" Walking quickly into the kitchen, he picked up the phone. "Hello? Yes, this is Aaron Hotchner, may I know who's calling? Oh, yes, hi. Really? But...? I see...I see...yes...good. Okay. Yes, I'll do that. Thank you for calling, doctor. Yes, I will. Yes. Thank you." He put the phone down and walked back into the living room.

"That was the doctor. The cure is ready."

**XXX**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I don't own anything- if I did, do you think Doyle would be alive? (The correct answer is HELL NO!)**

**One, two, three, all together now: JJ'S COMING BACK! YAAAAAYY!**

**XXX**

"It's ready?" JJ echoed, lifting her head up staring sleepily at Hotch to make sure she hadn't misheard. When he nodded, she looked torn between looking deliriously happy and deliriously disappointed that she wouldn't get to use any of the toys she'd received. The adults watched the children, waiting for some sort of reaction.

JJ eventually gave a small, sleepy grin. "Okay," she agreed, although no-one was sure exactly what she was agreeing to. Her head flopped back onto Garcia's shoulder.

Emily had a huge smile on her face. "Can we go now?" she asked eagerly, sitting up from Morgan's lap and leaning forward excitedly.

"Uh, I don't think so," Hotch answered, amused. "We won't get an appointment for 'now'; it's Christmas morning."

"What about in an hour?"

"No, the-"

"Two hours?"

"Not today," he replied with a tone of finality, walking over to Rossi and taking a fast-asleep Jack from him, careful not to wake the boy.

Emily was quiet for a moment before perking up. "If the clinic's closed, then we could go to Emergency!"

"No."

She pursed her lips, but less than a second later asked "What about tomorrow morning?"

"Alright."

"First thing tomorrow morning?"

Morgan let out a chuckle, smacking the back of her head jokingly. "Can it, midget. We'll get you back to normal tomorrow, don't worry." With that, he stretched, giving out a huge yawn and, picking Emily up, he walked over to the couch and dropped down onto it. "Now take a nap," he ordered. "Like Jack and JJ."

Hotch quietly treaded up the stairs to put Jack in his bed, hoping that his son would catch up on at least an hour of sleep. A cranky Jack did not a good Christmas make.

When he returned, both girls were fast asleep, but the adults were wide awake.

Garcia was stroking JJ's bangs, a nostalgic look on her face. She looked up when Hotch re-entered the room. "What exactly did the doc say?" she asked, noting his worried face.

"Just that," he replied, taking a seat on the couch. He glanced at the sleeping girls, looking nervous. "It turned out to be substance 3, like we thought. They're keeping it under tight security because obviously if it gets out, the consequences would be disastrous."

"A liquid that immediately ages the drinker..." Rossi mused. "They could base a horror film on that one."

"I would watch that!" Reid piped up, earning him incredulous looks from everyone else.

"Derek, you take Emily home after lunch and bring her to the hospital tomorrow morning. I'll bring JJ," Hotch instructed Morgan. "Can any of you babysit Jack tomorrow morning?"

"I'll do it!" Garcia offered immediately. Hotch gave her a thank-you smile in return. Garcia's expression turned thoughtful.

"I'll miss these little buttercups..." she said, ruffling a sleeping JJ's hair. "But OH MY GOD, I haven't had anyone to gossip with for Eight. Whole. Days! I'm dying here! I even tried to talk to Em yesterday about that god-awful tie-dyed shirt Jenkins wore to work the other day- I mean, look at me, do I look like someone who thinks bright colors and cartoon animals don't belong on clothes? That's how bad it was! And you know what she said? She said 'I love that shirt, ask him where he go it!' I kid you not!" She huffed in annoyance, obviously extremely irritated.

"And two days ago, I caught Fraser in the store closet with his fly open and his one-eyed trouser snake hanging out for the world to see, and when I tactfully told him to put his tallywhacker where I couldn't see it, he mumbled something and left...and then Sammie- the same Sammie who we thought had never so much as glimpsed anything even _resembling _a schlong in her life- walks out, and her buttons are all screwy. And I couldn't tell them!" Garcia's eyes fixed on the men. "Do you know how _torturous _that was?" She sighed. "They're going to have so much catching up to do on all the juicy news when they get back...otherwise they'll be a laughing stock!"

The men in the room stared at her, mouths hanging open.

When she noticed their dumbstruck expressions, she grinned brightly at them. "Can't handle a little workplace scuttlebutt can you? And _that _is exactly why I need my girls back big and tall!"

Morgan found his voice first. "Al? _Al Fraser_ was going at it in a store cupboard with _Sammie Finch_?"

"You see?" Garcia gestured to Morgan as if he'd just proved her point- which he had. "You don't know. You're the guy who's best plugged into the grapevine, and you don't know. Why?" she asked rhetorically.

"Why?" Morgan asked, missing the rhetorical-ness of her question.

"I'll tell you why!" Garcia declared. "Because I haven't had anyone to dish to! And I'm the only one in the whole frigging Bureau who knows, and...grgrgrhaaaaggh!" She let out a sound that was a mixture between a growl and a scream, and which, quite frankly scared the pants off the men.

Hotch's voice broke through the silence that followed her outburst.

"Can anyone _else _watch Jack?"

XXX

The kids all woke up less than an hour later, and they spent Christmas Day eating and playing. When morning came around, Morgan was woken up by Emily jumping on him, as he expected, at six a.m. sharp.

"MOWLGI! Wake up!" she shrieked, jumping up and down on his bed. "It's time to go!"

"What? Where?" Morgan was still half-asleep. "Lemme sleep..."

"No way!" came the very emphatic reply. "I get to be big again!"

Morgan didn't reply, instead choosing to bury his head further into the pillow. "Go away..."

She plopped down onto the bed suddenly, making the bedspring creak in protest. "The sooner I get to be big, the sooner you get to have your house alllll...to...yourself..." she whispered alluringly, drawing out the syllables. "Just you...and you...and nobody else..."

"Oh, fine," Morgan grumbled, throwing off the covers and stalking into the bathroom to change. "But just so you know, you owe me!"

She leaned against the headboard in satisfaction. "Duly noted."

"Let's go," he said when he emerged a few minutes later, but he couldn't resist adding sarcastically "Don't wanna be late, the office closes at eleven p.m..."

"Shut up."

They met a very excited JJ and an extremely tired-looking Hotch at the main entrance. The two men flopped down onto some waiting chairs just as Dr. Ben appeared, smiling. With matching groans, they stood up again.

"Good morning, agents," he said, pulling out two identical lollipops from his starched white coat. Handing one to each of the girls, he nodded to the agents. "Follow me, please." He led them to the same office they'd sat in what seemed like years ago. After a short scuffle over seats- "I want the blue one!" "No, you had the blue one last time!"- which was resolved by Morgan's _very _mature "Both of you zip it. The blue chair's all mine.", the doctor continued "I assume my assistant filled you in on the phone?"

"Yes he did," a beaming JJ answered between licks, nodding. "It's ready and we can grow up again!"

"That's what it boils down to, yes," the doctor answered.

Morgan noticed with an alarming sense of trepidation that Hotch was tapping his foot and that the unit chief looked very, very nervous.

"So who wants to go first?" the doctor asked JJ and Emily. They glanced at each other, then at the doctor, and simultaneously held out their hands.

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

JJ smiled. "I win."

"What the hell, you put your hand out after you saw what I chose!" After a pause: "And since when does rock beat paper?"

"It rips it."

"No, paper covers rock."

"Then rock rubs the paper until it sets fire to it."

"What? Who says _that_?"

"YOUR MOM."

Morgan sheepishly rubbed his head in response to Hotch's glare. "I _might _have made a couple of 'your mom' jokes..."

The doctor cut through the developing fight. "I'll decide. Eenie, meenie, miny, moe." His finger pointing at JJ, he left the room, gesturing that she should follow him. Hotch's nervous shuffling resumed.

"I'd better go with her," he said, following the two out of the office, leaving Emily and Morgan squabbling over the blue chair.

Barely had two minutes passed when a shrill, high-pitched scream pierced the air. Both of their heads immediately snapped up.

"JJ!"

Emily wrenched open the door, running down the brightly-lit towards the sound, with Morgan racing after her.

The loud shrieks continued, allowing them to follow the screams to its source: a small, white door near the end of the corridor. Morgan hesitated outside.

"Should we go in?"

Emily stared at him as if he'd gone mental. "Yes!"

"What if it's not JJ? What if we barge into some old woman getting a boil popped?"

The screams morphed into shouts. "I'M THE FBI! DON'T YOU DARE COME ANY CLOSER, MISSY! I'M WARNING YOU! MY FRIEND CAN MAKE YOU NOT EXIST!"

They met each other's eyes, and Morgan nodded. "Yup. That's JJ." Saying this, he pushed open the door to reveal the chaotic scene unfolding in front of them.

JJ was standing at one end of a gurney, pushing it hard- why there was a gurney in a GP's office, Morgan didn't know- her expression showing determined resolve.

A middle-aged nurse was at the other end of the gurney, and JJ appeared to be trying to ram her into the wall with it.

Dr. Ben stood at one end of the room, watching the scene with a mixture of indifference and curiousity.

Hotch was sitting on a chair, his head in his hands.

They all paused for a moment when they heard the door open, looking up to see who had entered.

"What's going on?"

And then Morgab saw it. No sooner had the words left his mouth when he caught sight of the tiny object that he would bet every dollar he'd ever earned had started this whole thing. His head dropped onto the wall, a groan escaping his mouth.

_Oh. Shit. _

_We are never, ever going to leave this hospital with two adult women. Never. Not in a million years._

Emily stood clueless, letting the door slam shut behind her when she fully entered the room. "What? What? What is it?" "

_Don't answer, _Morgan conveyed with his eyes to Hotch. _Maybe we can get her to do it and convince JJ later. _

Emily persisted. "What's wrong? Morgan, what is it? Hotch, what-"

"They're trying to STAB me!"

_Here we go..._

"They what?"

_Don't say anything else, JJ, just be quiet and maybe we can leave with ONE adult woman. That's still an improvement, right? As long as JJ doesn't make a big deal and-_

"THEY'RE TRYING TO STAB ME WITH A HUGE NEEDLE AND IT _HURT!"_

_No no no no no..._

"They _did_?" Emily asked, her eyes wide.

JJ nodded tearfully. "YES! And I FELT it! It was as big as my whole arm!"

Hotch tried to reason with a distraught JJ. "It didn't even go in, JJ."

"Yes it did, I felt it touch me!"

Hotch answered Morgan's questioning gaze. "She sat down. The nurse pulled out the needle. She was talking to me and didn't see it. It touched her skin. She felt it. She screamed. You entered. And that brings you up to date."

"We can apply some numbing cream to the skin before we prick it," the nurse gasped out, her stomach pressed against the wall by the gurney.

"They don't work! You're a liar!"

"I'm not. Now be a good girl and move the gurney."

"No."

"Why not?"

"You'll hurt me."

"No I won't, sweetie, I promise," the nurse managed to grind out between clenched teeth, a forced smile plastered onto her face.

"Yes, you will."

"I won't. You'll barely feel it."

"But will I feel it?"

"Well...obviously, yes, you'll feel a tiny bit of pain but-"

"That's called hurting me!"

"Stop making such a fuss! Haven't you ever had a shot before?"

If looks could kill, the glare JJ sent the nurse would have had her six feet under. Dr. Ben, after giving the nurse a disapproving look, tried a different tactic.

"JJ, honey, you need to have the shot if you want to get back to your old self again."

"I don't care. I'll stay like this forever if I have to!"

Two foreheads were simultaneously slapped by two hands.

"You can have some candy once you're done. Doesn't that sound good?"

"I don't WANT any candy!"

Dr. Ben studied her determined face for a second before sighing, his shoulders slumped. "Give me the needle, please," he ordered the nurse. "JJ, you need to let go of the gurney so Nurse Carla can get out." When JJ released the nurse from her spot against the wall, she handed the object to the doctor, who took the cap off the needle. "JJ, you're getting the shot today. Now I know you don't want it, but just think of how happy you'll be after. You can cooperate and make this much easier and barely painful at all, or you can scream and move your arm and make it a lot more difficult. It's your choice."

Saying this, he moved towards her, signalling to the nurse who grabbed JJ and placed her on the gurney, holding her arm still. JJ, of course, immediately threw a fit, clawing at the nurse's hand and trying to jump off the gurney.

"Get away from me! Don't come any closer!" she screamed, tears falling down her face. Her screaming increased in volume as the nurse swabbed her arm with an alcoholic wipe- to anyone who didn't know, it would have seemed like she was getting tortured. The needle came closer and closer. "GET AWAY! NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! GO _AWAY_! DON'T-"

"Get away from her!"

The needle paused.

"Emily, sit down!"

"No, tell them to leave her alone!"

"They can't, midget, she needs the shot to be able to be big again."

"Well, she doesn't want to be big again!"

"Yes, she does, she was chattering about it non-stop on the ride here."

"Then why's she crying and screaming?"

"She's just scared of the shot. A lot of kids are."

"Then stop forcing her!"

"She wants to be normal again; she just doesn't want the shot."

"Then she shouldn't have to get it!"

"Emily, it's not that simple."

"Yes it is." Emily crossed over to the room and roughly pushed the nurse's hand off JJ's arm. Successfuly climbing onto the gurney after a few tries, she wrapped her arms around JJ, who had worked herself up to the point of almost-hyperventilation. "If you want to get to her, you'll have to get through me first."

Dr. Ben and Carla glanced at each other. "Well, you do need the injection too..."

It didn't faze Emily. She stared the nurse straight in the eye, stating very calmly and clearly "I will bite you."

"Oh, no..." Morgan groaned. "Please, just one of you get the shot already."

"Emily, you're not scared are you?" Hotch asked. "Maybe if you get it done first, JJ won't mind so much."

"Uh..." Emily suddenly looked very nervous. She eyed the needle- it really _was _very big. The end glinted, seemingly mocking her. "No, I don't think that's such a good idea," she said finally.

Hotch and Morgan's eyes met and they shared a glance, both realizing their attempts were futile.

"Aw, for Chrissakes..." Morgan groaned. He strode over to the gurney, pulling Emily off of it. She immediately started screaming bloody murder.

"Don't go near her! I swear, if anyone touches her I'll-"

"Relax, kid," he said, letting go of her arm when her feet were on the floor. "We're leaving."

"We're leaving?" she repeated. "Oh. That's okay then."

"Come on, JJ," Morgan said, lifting her off the stretcher. She buried her face in his shirt. "Let's go."

"Thank you, doctor," Hotch said, shaking the doctor's hand as Morgan left the room. "Sorry about-"

"Oh, don't worry about it, Agent Hotcher," Dr. Ben said reassuringly. "We usually get about three or four screaming kids in here every day." With a wry smile he added, "They don't usually bring back-up with them though."

Hotch smiled in return. "We'll prep them and bring them back some time tomorrow or the day after."

The nurse visibly paled.

"Thank you both, anyway," Hotch added.

"We're ready whenever you want to come in." Dr. Ben smiled at Hotch before handing the injection back to his nurse with the order "Keep that refrigerated."

Outside in the corridor, Morgan was sitting on one of the metal benches and trying to explain why they'd "betrayed" her to JJ.

"You want to be bigger, don't you?"

"N-no."

"No?"

"Yes. I m-mean, no. I d-don't know!"

He rubbed her back reassuringly. "It's alright; I know the needle was huge."

Emily nodded in agreement, sitting up on her knees, her eyes widened for dramatic effect. "It was, wasn't it? It was _this _big!" She used her hands to demonstrate.

"Not helping."

"Sorry."

"I'm sorry, JJ, we shouldn't have let them force you when you were upset- that was wrong," Morgan told her. "We just didn't think that it would be such a big deal. We should have talked to you the moment we knew you weren't okay with it."

"Yes you sh-should have!" She pulled away from him and looked up accusingly. "You were gonna l-let them s-stab m-me! They were holding me t-tight and I couldn't move and you just _s-sat _there and you d-didn't say _anything_!"

"I did!" Emily piped up proudly. Morgan gave her an 'Are you _trying _to make this worse for me?' look just as Hotch joined them.

JJ turned to look at Hotch expectantly.

He didn't need to be told what to say. "I'm sorry. We're all sorry. Even the doctor is."

"I'm not!" Emily beamed. "I should get a treat for saving her."

"Yeah, but if you hadn't...'saved' her, we'd all be going home to our own houses by ourselves," Morgan pointed out.

Emily was quiet for a second before replying "Actually, I have an apartment."

**XXX**

**A/N: I swear I meant this to be the second-to-last chapter. But what happened was I was writing it and it just kinda...wrote itself. I was trying to make it that they become adults but it kept not working. & before you all say 'That would never happen in a doctor's office!' yes it does. I helped out in a doc's office for a week, and about half the kids that came in for vaccinations were forcefully held down by the nurse while they screamed and the parents just sat there. And this was in a 'good' hospital. **

**Review please! And who else is over the moon? JJ'S COMIN' BACK!**

**Maddie =D xxx**

**P.S. Updates have been slower because I've grown more focused on 'The Art of Manipulation' which now updates weekly usually. Check it out. (Shameless plug there =D lol) And I'm thinking of doing a Castle fic...anyone watch Castle?**


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**If you like this story, you'll probably enjoy kdzl's Fairytales and Dragons, which is really well-written. Also, don't expect any laughs because this is more of a filler.**

**XXX**

_Ding-dong…_

_Ding-dong…_

"Oh, I cannot wait to feast my eyes upon you newly-aged wonder women…" They heard Garcia mumble as the latch clicked open.

"Hi." JJ waved.

Garcia stopped on the doorstep, thrown. "Um. I was not expecting this, but hello to you too."

She immediately began running over the different possible reasons for them still being little, raising a questioning eyebrow at Morgan, who rolled his eyes in a _Tell you later _way. He was carrying JJ, whose eyes were red- that alone told her as much as she needed to know.

A few seconds later, they heard running footsteps, and then Jack's curious eyes appeared behind Garcia, immediately focusing on JJ and Emily. "Hey you guys!" Turning to look at Hotch in confusion, he continued "I thought they were going back to wherever they came from?"

"That would be Candyland," Emily interjected seriously. "But JJ here is actually a native of Oz. Me and her go way back…we were neighbours for quite a while, too, back in Narnia." Jack's mouth dropped open. "Good times, good times…Remember, JJ?"

"No!" JJ looked dismayed. "You went to Candyland without me?"

"Candyland _exists_?" Jack asked in shock, not even considering doubting his friend for a moment.

JJ continued grilling her. "When did you go there?"

"Is it nice?" Jack pressed. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Why didn't you _take _me?"

Emily shrugged, leaning against the doorstep and milking her newfound glory, much to the adults' amusement. "Didn't think you wanted to go."

JJ looked at her like she was stupid. "There's _candy._ _Everywhere._"

"Yeah, I want to go too!" Jack whined. "Can we go, Daddy? Please? Please? Pretty please with extra cherries and sprinkles?"

"Relax, buddy, she's kidding," his father assured him.

"No she isn't- Emily never lies!" JJ said surely, nodding at Emily. "Right, Em?"

Morgan shifted her in his arms so that he was more comfortable. "JJ, are you from Oz?"

Her brow furrowed. "No."

"Emily said you are."

"Oh." Then: "_Oh…_"

"Yeah."

"Are you planning on letting us in any time soon?" Hotch directed his question at Garcia.

"Oh. Right. Yes. Reid's upstairs if you need him, by the way. And so's Rossi. I introduced him to Runescape a couple of hours ago, and haven't heard a peep from him since!"

"Runescape?"Hotch repeated.

"Oh, it's a MMORPG," Garcia said dismissively, waving her hand. "I figured I'd start him off slow."

"It's a what?"

"A MMORPG. He said he's trying to get enough money to buy some white armour he took a liking to." And with that, she ushered them into the house, talking proudly about how she educated Rossi on all things tech and pointedly ignoring Hotch's 'Oh-shit-she-got-Rossi' expression. After proudly letting them in, she settled them all on the couch with cups of tea- met with wrinkled noses, and coffee- met with appreciative sniffs.

Reid bounded down the stairs a couple of seconds later, drawn in by the smell. Garcia handed him a cup, smirking.

"So what exactly happened?" she asked, once Morgan and Hotch had had their caffeine fix, and she was sure that they weren't going to jump down her throat for asking. But they didn't get a chance to answer because annoyed thumps were heard coming down the stairs the moment she finished speaking. Rossi appeared soon after, in all his grumpy glory.

"So what exactly happened?" Garcia repeated, this time directed at Rossi.

"I killed forty-three cows, and twenty-nine elves. I chopped down five hundred and eighty seven trees," he growled. "_Five. Hundred. And eighty-seven. _I picked a whole field of cabbages about thirty times, and sheared three times as many sheep. I walked from Lumbridge to the Grand Exchange at Varrock eight times, and each time took about ten minutes, all to sell the wood, and the meat, and the cabbage and the wool for exorbitant prices. I started fifty-seven fires. I duelled with over thirty guards, and I fought with _chickens_. I. Had swordfights. Witheffing _chickens! _And then, when I finally have enough cash, after cutting down all those trees, and killing all those cows, and those elves, and those _chickens_, I think, 'hey, this might not be so bad. Because now I finally have enough money to buy that nice-looking white armour I saw a couple of guys wearing.' So I head back up to Varrock and buy me some white armour, and I'm thinking 'This is great!'"

He paused for dramatic effect. "And you know what they tell me? _You know what that jackass tells me_?"

"You mean the game?" Garcia asked, but he cut her off with:

"White armour is for flipping members only!" He sucked in a breath at the injustice of it all, as Hotch, Reid and Morgan tried to stifle their laughs.

"That's not very nice, Rossi," JJ said severely. "You shouldn't kill things that are smaller than you."

Hotch gave her an incredulous look. "As opposed to what? Killing things that are bigger than you?"

"Yeah, well, I had no choice," Rossi said moodily in answer to JJ, flopping onto the couch in annoyance. He looked over at Emily, who was subtly taking sips of Garcia's coffee. "So what happened at the hospital?"

"Needle," was all Morgan needed to say.

Rossi looked at Emily, his lips pursed in a contemplative frown. "Was it a big one?"

When she nodded, Rossi held his hand out in a fist, which she solemnly bumped.

"Stop encouraging her!"

"Dave!"

"C'mon, Rossi, you wanna take them next time?"

"There is not going to be a next time and that is FINAL!" JJ yelled at once.

A silence descended on the room for a moment. Then: "Jeez, you sound like Strauss."

"She does, doesn't she?" Hotch agreed with Morgan.

Rossi rubbed his stubble thoughtfully. "Maybe we could hire her out. You know, like to scream at people who keep forgetting things, like Strauss does. We could charge ten dollars an hour."

"Shut. Up," JJ growled, elbowing Morgan, who was chuckling next to her. He caught her elbow.

"Woah, that is not a clever thing to do. I'm still pissed at you for the hospital thing you pulled."

"JJ, we don't hit people," Hotch told her sternly. "We tell people when they're making us upset, right Jack?"

"Yup," Jack agreed, nodding proudly. "We don't use our hands."

"That's what animals do!" Reid piped up helpfully, earning him a glare from JJ.

"I like animals."

"No, you like cute furry bunny rabbits who sit on your lap and do nothing," Rossi said grumpily, still moody from his wasted hours on Runescape. "A _real _animal…now that's a different story." Turning to Hotch, he continued, "Remember that one case in Oklahoma? That idiot with his wild animals?"

"How could I forget?" Hotch replied grimly. In answer to Morgan's questioning gaze, he explained, "An old man in Oklahoma had been keeping wild animals- cheetahs, monkeys, a tiger- in his house. When he died, they didn't have any food, and resorted to human meat. Eventually they were caught and packed off to zoos."

"Oh, I went to the zoo once!" Emily piped up. " 'Cept I was kind of bored 'cause my butler took me, and also my housekeeper, and they kept telling me not to touch stuff."

"You kidding?" Morgan said in surprise. "The zoo is amazing! You can't be bored at a place like that. Right Reid?"

The younger man looked uncomfortable. "You know, I wouldn't know, seeing as I've never actually visited a zoo before. Odd, isn't it?" he asked thoughtfully. "I've been all over the country but never to a zoo."

Morgan snorted. "Another thing on the list of 'Normal Things Pretty Boy Has Never Done'. Comes right after 'flirting' and 'sex'." But his tone was light, and he grinned, showing that he was joking.

JJ was biting her lip during their conversation, thinking hard. "Guess what?" she finally said, looking up. "I've never been to the zoo either."

"_You_?" Morgan asked in disbelief. "How could you have never been to a _zoo_? That's like the standard must-do family outing for any small-town or suburban families- like your family."

She shrugged, losing interest in the topic. "Dunno. Wasn't one close to home. We were planning on taking a trip to New York, and we were talking about going to the zoo and Central Park and all that, but um," she swallowed, "then my…she, you know…after…after, you know, after what happened, we never got round to it. And then I went to college and didn't see the point."

"Aw, it's okay…" Jack scooted over to her and put his arm around her, not knowing why the mood had suddenly changed, but wanting to make her feel better. "We can take you to the zoo, right Aunt Penelope?"

"Absolutely." Garcia grinned in excitement. "The zoo it is!"

"Do we _have _to?" Morgan whined.

**XXX**

**I'm really not happy with this chapter because it's more of a filler than anything else. So this doesn't count as a chapter. It's a filler, and not even a funny filler.**

**I'm sorry for it being late, my excuse is that I have exams and I'm so stressed I have constant knots in my stomach and I can't sleep from worrying. How do you all combat exam stress? Right now my tactic is to not think about it and then cram like hell, which isn't working out too well needless to say =(**

**~Maddie**


	22. Chapter 22

**Another kinda filler (lol but it's 2000 words), but really it was two chapters that I split into two. Not really happy with it but…**

**Another rec that I think readers may enjoy: Teen Spirit. I'm not sure who the author is though. Search it.**

**Shout-out to reviewers: ColoradoMFC and Dinosaurxrawrxo. You guys made my month! Thank you =D**

**XXX**

"Alright, how should we do the seating?" Hotch asked, slipping naturally into Alpha-male mode because of the presence of the entire team, despite Jack being there. "We could either take my small car and Morgan's car and split up, or take the one big eight-seater."

Rossi pursed his lips. "Well, let's just take the SUV. That way we can all help keep an eye on things," he added at the end, nodding towards the three children, who were hanging onto every word, their eyes sparkling with excitement.

"Good idea," Hotch decided. "Alright, everybody in….And in case you were wondering, I'm driving," he added, shooting Morgan and Rossi a look. They exchanged a glance, each weighing up the other in an unofficial staring contest.

Finally Morgan sighed and relented. "Whatever. You can ride shotgun," he said, sliding open the back door and climbing into the middle row of seats. Rossi gave him a nod of thanks, climbing into his seat as well.

Emily was about to climb into the front seat next to Morgan when Hotch, laying a hand on her shoulder, stopped her from entering the car. "Hold on there. We have three kids and only one car seat- Jack's. One of you three is going to be using it."

"So?" she asked, squaring her shoulders and meeting his gaze defiantly. "That someone isn't going to be me."

Jack was looking hopefully at JJ, who shook her head fervently. "Nope. No way. Those are for babies!" she said firmly, ignoring Jack's pleading expression.

"I can't force them," Hotch said, looking apologetically at Jack, who immediately wailed 'That's not fair! Why can't none of us sit there?' "It's a matter of principle," he explained wryly. "We have one car seat and three children. Imagine how bad I would feel if we had an accident, none of you were using the car seat, and you got hurt. _Somebody _is going to sit in it and be as safe as we can make them."

"But why does it have to be _me_?" Jack whined, looking beseechingly at his father in the hopes of changing his mind.

"I can't force either of the girls. Sorry, buddy. I know you don't want to in front of your friends, but it's for your own safety." Hotch shrugged and started to open his own door when Jack suddenly perked up.

"Why?"

"Excuse me?" Hotch asked, pausing with his fingers grasping the door handle.

"Why is it for my own safety?"

Sensing an impending argument, Morgan and Rossi rolled down their windows to listen, with Reid and Garcia subtly shuffling closer to the group for better positions.

Garcia leaned into Morgan's window. "Bet you twenty dollars mini-Hotch'll get his way," she whispered.

"You kidding? Who do you think he learned from? Hotch has never lost a fight in his life…" he hissed back.

"Twenty bucks," she repeated.

Nodding his head in agreement, Morgan quickly shook her hand, and they both leaned forward again intently, all the more focused.

Hotch was struggling to answer the question. "I don't understand what you mean." He hoped that drawing out the argument would make Jack relent.

No such luck. Jack rephrased his question: "How come I have to sit in the baby seat and you guys all don't?"

Morgan grinned, seeing dollar signs. The question had an easy answer- Hotch could easily shoot it down.

He did. "Well buddy, you need to be protected in case of an accident. And don't you like being able to see everything out of the window for miles?"

Jack persisted, ignoring the obvious bait. "But then how come _you_ don't need to be protected in the baby seat?"

"We're bigger than you are," Hotch explained patiently. "Our bodies can protect us better in case we have an accident. Yours can't, which is why you need a _car_ seat." He stressed _car, _knowing full well that Jack would never agree to sit in the car seat in front of his friends if he called it the baby seat_. _

"So bigger bodies can be protected better?" Jack clarified.

"That's right."

"And so I need to be protected because I'm littler?" Jack asked.

"Yes," Hotch replied, glad that he was finally getting through to his son. "And that is also why I am not going to hear anymore arguments, because you want to be safe, right?"

"Right," Jack agreed.

Garcia's mouth dropped open. "Wha…?"

"But I also want JJ and Emily to be safe."

"Yes!" Garcia crooned under her breath, punching the air. "My boy never lets me down!"

"Well, all three of you can't share the seat," Hotch tried to reason, getting irritated at the smirks on Reid and Rossi's faces.

"So the one in the most danger should get the seat then right?" Jack asked smugly, aware that he had won. "My body's bigger than both of theirs." His last sentence caused JJ and Emily to immediately shoot him death glares- if looks could kill, he'd have been six feet under long ago.

"Jack, please just take you seat so we can get moving."

"But you said! You said it's more dangerous for little kids!" Jack retorted, determined not to lose- it was a matter of pride now more than anything else. "They're both smaller than me, Daddy, you _said_!"

Hotch sighed, rubbing his temple to diffuse an oncoming headache. "Yes. Yes, you're right."

Garcia discreetly snatched the offered bill from Morgan's hand with a smug smile.

Hotch turned to the younger girls, but before he could say anything else, Emily piped up. "JJ's way smaller than me!"

"I don't care what you say," JJ said firmly, crossing her arms across her chest, "I'm not sitting there and you can't make me."

She had a point.

"Alright, that's it." Rossi opened his door and climbed out of the car. "I'm getting extremely tired of you three making us sit in there and wait for you to stop bickering." He politely failed to mention that Hotch had also been bickering. "One of you get in there _now _please, so we can all leave and enjoy a nice day at the zoo."

"Not it," JJ said immediately, followed by two rapid 'Not it!'s.

Rossi exchanged a look with Hotch- strangely enough, it was now more about pride for _them _too: Allow the children to get their way, and they would never live it down.

Rossi made a snap decision. "JJ, get in the car seat," he ordered, pointing at he in what he hoped was an authoritative way.

Her eyes immediately snapped up to meet his. "What? No! Why me?"

"Jack's actually right: you _are _physically the smallest and at the most risk," he countered, opening the car door and lifting her onto the car seat, ignoring her protests. "Now," he continued sternly, reaching across for the seatbelt "I don't want to hear another peep out of you. I'm getting tired of waiting for you to stop being immature." Saying this, he pushed Emily and Jack into the back row of seats, congratulated himself on a job well done, and raised an eyebrow at Garcia and Reid.

"Who's sitting where?"

"I'll go at the back with Em and Jack, and he can sit with JJ!" Garcia decided. Reid had the sense not to argue.

When everyone was settled, Hotch slammed his door shut with a sigh of relief and pulled out of the driveway.

JJ sat, silently stewing, fuming at Rossi. Finally, after about forty-five seconds of being silent, she elbowed Reid.

Hard.

"What?" he asked nervously.

"I hate Rossi," she proclaimed in a whisper, leaning down to speak softly in his ear. Her bangs tickled the top of his nose and he swatted them away.

"Hey…" she said, leaning back and looking slightly hurt. "Why'dja do that?"

"Nothing, I…I, uh, your hair…it was annoying…." He flushed, not sure why talking to JJ as a kid was so weird.

_Because _she's JJ as a kid, he thought wryly. After the disaster at the park, he'd stayed as far away from the 'children' as possible, preferring to limit himself to one fiasco per fortnight.

"Sorry. So what were you saying about Rossi?" He changed the subject, smiling encouragingly but only half-listening.

She gave him a strange look but didn't comment. "I don't like him. He called me immature. I'm gonna get him back at the zoo."

"Really?" Now _this _was interesting. "How are you going to do that?"

She pursed her lips, frowning in thought. "Well I'm not really sure. I was hoping you'd have some ideas?"

Reid started to answer that no, he most definitely did not have any ideas on how to get back at the senior agent, who was their _boss' best friend, _when Morgan interrupted, leaning over JJ's car seat and sticking his head in between theirs.

"You talkin' bout the zoo?"

"No," JJ snapped, irritatedly shoving his head away. "We're talking…" lowering her voice, she checked to make sure Rossi and Hotch were deeply involved in a discussion before continuing, "about Rossi."

"Rossi?" Morgan repeated. "What about him?"

"We're gonna get him!" JJ said, her eyes widened for dramatic effect. "Get him _good_!"

"Uh-huh, okay, great…" It did not occur to him for one second that letting a four-year-old with a sadistic streak and FBI training into a space with a wide variety of dangerous animals could be potentially harmful. "Wait…who's 'we'?"

"Me 'n Reid." JJ nudged him as Morgan let out a bark of laughter.

"Him? He's not gonna be any worth! He can only do physics magic with a bunch of door handles!"

Reid took this as a challenge. "Actually, she's right. I _am _going to be helping her with whatever she has planned, right JJ?"

"Right."

And it definitely did not occur to Morgan that a four-year-old who'd sworn revenge and a socially-awkward genius, both with FBI training, were not conducive to a nice, safe day at the zoo.

On the contrary, he smirked. "Whatever. I'm so scared!"

"You will be," JJ said seriously, settling into her seat and looking out the window. "You definitely will be."

A few minutes later, they pulled up into a parking lot outside the zoo.

'Welcome to the State Park Zoo!' a large red banner proclaimed, waving cheerily in the breeze. 'Drinks and refreshments may be brought into the zoo, but please refrain from feeding the animals. Thank you and enjoy your visit!'

No, a little girl and a genius on a mission _definitely _did not lead to an uneventful day. That was for sure.

**XXX**

**They're both coming back! Yay! I still have exams going on and I still did this because I was so happy! When the zoo is over, the story is over, so if you want to see anything that hasn't happened yet, tell me in a review so that I can try to fit it in.**

**Review and I smile!**

**Maddie xxx**


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything like usual, yadda yadda yadda…**

**A/N: Two things: Five people asked via pm or review for more Emily hc. The reason I don't have much Emily h/c is because as a writer it's VERY difficult for me to imagine Emily needing any sort of comfort. So I've been playing around with Emily hc while trying to stay true to her character, which I think I managed in this chapter. Rosajean gave me wonderful ideas, one of which I used in this chapter. **

**2.) I can't tell you how conflicted I was over whether to post this as a chapter here or not. It's not **_**dark **_**dark, but it's very different to the fluffy chapters I normally post. If you're looking for a laugh, you won't find one (unless I wrote it badly, in which case you will). I even sent it to Rosajean to read, which I normally NEVER do, EVER.**

**In the end I decided to post it, and I hope you like it even if it isn't the usual stuff. **

**Thanks so much to Rosajean for her encouragement and ideas!**

**XXX**

"Three kids, five adults," Reid said, passing the ticket-seller a folded note.

"Hands, please," the man ordered in a bored voice, barely glancing at the bill before tucking it into the cash register.

"Okay, line up," Rossi said, trying to organize the team into something resembling a straight line…or even a wiggly line would suffice, at this point. Just not the trapezium they were currently stood in. "Come on, we're blocking four other lines," he added, shooting an apologetic smile at the irate tourists.

"_Hands_, please," the ticket-seller repeated, slightly louder.

Hotch stuck his hand through the gap in the window and allowed the man to clip a yellow band around his wrist. Rossi, Garcia, Reid and Morgan did the same. Jack went next, watching in curious interest as a bright blue band was stuck onto his arm.

JJ stared at it. "Can I have a yellow one?" she asked the man, sticking her hand into the gap when Reid lifted her up.

"No, yellow is for adults only," the man replied in a monotone.

"I can, uh, give you a little something extra, if you know what I mean," JJ said in an audible whisper, rubbing her fingers together in the 'money' sign.

"That would be _my _money," Hotch pointed out, fixing Jack's mussed hair out of habit.

"Sorry ma'am, yellow is for adults only," the ticket-seller repeated again in an I-can't-believe-I-have-this-job voice, clipping the band around her wrist despite her protests. "Next!"

Emily was next. Reid lifted her up too, and she stuck her wrist into the gap. "Make sure mine is blue," she ordered. "None of that sunshine stuff. A darker blue if you have it."

"What do you think this is, a clothes store?" Hotch asked, rolling his eyes. A vibration and small _beep! _from his pocket alerted him to a text message, and, after herding everyone through the turnstiles, he slipped his cell phone out of his coat and clicked 'Read Message'.

Rossi, perceptive as always, was hanging back, allowing the group to walk ahead, and Hotch met his eyes discreetly as he scrolled through message. The two men fell into step with one another, waiting for the others to walk ahead.

"They have a case," Hotch said under his breath. "Stabbed and killed four so far, here in D.C.. They don't know what he looks like, and he has several fake identities. His most recent one is Frank Haussman."

"Should we take it?" Rossi asked neutrally, eyeing the six ahead to make sure they didn't overhear. Otherwise, he knew, they would immediately insist on taking the case. Reid and Garcia probably wouldn't be too insistent. But the other three, definitely.

"Let's get back first, and then we'll decide," Hotch said firmly. "And enjoy what little 'holiday' we have."

Rossi nodded his agreement before calling out to the others. "Alright, where we headed?"

JJ immediately came running towards them, a small frown on her face. "I'm hungry."

"Me too." Emily and Jack joined them.

"We could eat before we do anything else," Morgan suggested. He pointed towards a sign for a picnic area. "Look, they have picnic tables set up and all. We just gotta buy the food. Let's see…a burger for me and Garcia, a hotdog for Reid, Jack and Rossi, fries for JJ, salad for Hotch, baked spiders for Emily…"

"Hey!"

"Kidding, kidding…" He chuckled at her when she rolled her eyes in typical Emily fashion. "No but seriously, who wants to eat? 'Cause I am _starving._"

"Ooh, they have ice-cream sandwiches!" JJ exclaimed to Garcia in excitement.

Hotch and Rossi exchanged glances. "I will buy the food," Rossi said firmly. "You all go sit down."

They all trailed after Morgan to the picnic area while Rossi went to buy food. Of course it was all ridiculously priced as well as unhealthy, and he started muttering to himself about the outrage of paying eight dollars for _one _burger. He was in a decidedly grumpy mood by the time he paid and made his way through the trees to the grassy picnic area, where the team had already claimed a table.

"Here you go…" He set the food down hard on the table. "I can't believe we're actually _paying _for them to poison us with this junk- and paying ridiculous prices…"

No one was listening: Reid had already started distributing containers to everyone, and they were greedily eyeing the food.

"Eat up kiddies, because we have a whole lot of spiky and dangerous animals to see," Garcia ordered, taking a generous portion for herself as well.

"Spiky?" Jack looked interested.

"Obviously, Jack-Jack. Rhinos! And hedgehogs!"

"They have rhinos here?" Jack's eyes grew wide. "Awesome!"

They were about halfway through their meal when Emily suddenly realized that she really, _really _needed to go to the toilet.

Like, _really. _

"Garcia…" Garcia felt the tug on her glittery top before she heard the tentative whisper. "Garcia…"

Looking down, she caught Emily's eyes and smiled. "Hello! What is it?"

Emily was looking slightly embarrassed. "I need to use the toilet…" she muttered. "And I don't know where it is. Or how to get there."

Garcia beamed at her. "Of course, I'll go with you. Come on. Let's just get the blessings from the Hotchner, shall we?"

"Uh…sure, whatever."

Ignoring Emily and Hotch's weird looks, Garcia asked Hotch for his "blessings", chuckling inwardly at his expression. So sometimes she purposefully tried to confuse him…what of it? There weren't many people who could cause Aaron Hotchner to be at a loss for words, and she, she was proud to say, was one of those few people.

"Garcia, do you even know where the bathrooms are?" Hotch asked her suspiciously. "I don't want anyone getting lost. You have your cell phone?"

"I do indeed. And," she scoffed confidently, "don't worry. I could find the ladies' room on a world map, no problemo."

Saying this, she set off down the rocky pathway which winded away from the picnic area and headed back through the small wooded area to the main zoo.

"Okay, so the toilet is…there somewhere. Definitely around that area. I think." Garcia made a decidedly vague pointing gesture, which seemed to cover the entire zoo.

Emily crossed her arms. "So it's somewhere in the north part of the park. _You think._"

"Well, it could have been the other half."

They walked around for ten minutes, with Garcia refusing to ask anyone for help. Finally, Emily groaned, starting to jiggle slightly. "Gar-_cia!_"

The older woman shrugged defensively. "What? Okay fine, relax, we'll just ask someone. Excuse me," she stopped a blonde woman in her fifties, who was pushing a double-stroller, "could you tell us where the ladies' room is?"

"No. Sorry."

"Gar-ci-a...!" Emily was literally hopping from one foot to the other. "I _really _needa go!"

"Well, if you think it's so easy getting directions, you try."

Quickly scanning the area for any helpful-looking people, Emily settled on a well-built, mid-thirties man selling tickets to the zoo's animal show later in the day, decked out in the zoo's bright red uniform shirt. She ran up to him.

"Excuse me!" When he didn't answer, she tried again, louder. "Excuse me!"

He finally looked down, a small smile gracing his face. "Hi there. And what's your name?"

"Emily." She spoke reflexively, then caught herself and looked sheepish.

"It's nice to meet you Emily," he said easily, ignoring her expression. "And would you like to buy a ticket for the 'Amazing Aquatic Animals' show this evening at six? I'm told the killer whale is the main attraction…"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I- uh, could you give me directions to the toilet?"

"I sure can." Pointing towards the panda enclosure, he recited as if from memory: "Past the pandas, then take the second right, before the reptile house, then first right and then first left- just after the tigers."

She smiled in relief. "Thank you."

"I'm always happy to help." But before she could hurry away he added curiously: "Say, you're not here all by yourself are you?"

"No, I'm with a bunch of friends," she answered distractedly, mapping out the route in her head- or _trying _to. "Thanks again!"

"My pleasure, young lady."

She ran back to Garcia, who had been listening and was waiting patiently. "He seemed nice," Emily remarked as they made their way through the zoo. "Maybe we could go see the show later?"

"Oh yes, definitely," Garcia said, beaming. "Although that guy _seriously _needed to lay off the cheese and the corn."

Emily looked confused. "The cheese and the corn…?" After a second's pause: "Oh. Yeah, maybe. But that's his job isn't it? To be really cheesy to sell tickets?"

"I s'pose." Garcia stopped outside the door to the toilets, sniffing the air. "You go in; I'll wait outside."

"Sure?"

She nodded surely. "Positive. My nose will curse me for life if I subject it to _that_. And I do not want a cold for the rest of my existence!"

"'Kay. But now I really gotta go so..."

"I'll be waiting over there by the burger vendor…!" Garcia called as Emily pushed open the door and went in, wrinkling her nose at the foul smell. Well, at least it was clean.

And _crowded. _

There were at least twenty people in there, waiting for four stalls. Emily groaned, maybe a little too loudly.

"Are you alright, honey?" A kind-looking woman with a sulking toddler in her arms asked.

Emily nodded sadly, putting on a fake lisp and sticking her bottom lip out slightly. "I'm fine." The woman was about to turn back. "But…"

"But what?"

"I _really _need to go to the bathroom…"

The woman smiled sympathetically. "I know sweetie. Just wait patiently okay?" She turned back to her toddler, who was trying to bite her neck.

Damn it.

Alright, new tactic.

Opening her mouth as wide as it would go, Emily took a deep breath. "EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! HELP! HELP! EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!"

All the occupants of the room turned to stare at her in surprise. There was pin-drop silence.

_Flussshhh…_

_Click. _

A young woman stepped out of one of the stalls, and the silence was broken as everyone resumed their conversations. Someone stepped forward, about to enter the now-empty stall.

Emily opened her mouth again. "EMERGENCY EMERGENCY! BIG EMERGENCY! HELP!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

Silence greeted her outburst once again, as everyone turned to her in surprise yet again. Taking advantage of the people's momentarily stunned state, Emily neatly sidestepped the waiting queue and walked in, locking the door behind her.

The room immediately erupted in shouts.

"Hey!"

"You can't do that!"

"My kid's been waiting for ten minutes!"

When Emily came out, she was greeted by twenty-odd glares- even the sulking toddler was giving her the stink-eye. Ignoring them, she calmly walked over to the sinks, washed her hands and walked outside, congratulating herself on a job well done. She stepped outside a little under five minutes later, feeling extremely clever.

Garcia was nowhere to be seen.

After a couple of seconds, when Garcia didn't appear in a burst of pink glitter, Emily started glancing from person to person looking for her.

"Garcia!" she called warily, aware that the older woman would flip out if she came back and didn't find her. "Garseeeee-aaaaaaa..."

Shuffling nervously from one foot to the other, she walked over to the burger stand where Garcia said she'd be, her eyes flitting from one person to the next. There were way too many people.

"Garcia!...Garcia!..._Garciiiia!...GARCIA!" _she yelled as loudly as she could, a nervous feeling creeping into her tummy. It wasn't that she was scared. No. She wasn't scared. She just didn't want the older agent to be worried, that's all.

Children and adults swept around her, blocking her vision. She tried to look for anything hot pink, but that soon failed- half of the little girls were dressed to the nines in sparkly pink tops and dresses. She glanced up at the burger vendor, who was preoccupied with selling burgers to a family with nine children, each with a radically different order.

After the eight child- "I want a double-beef patty cheeseburger on sesame buns, with tomatoes and onions, no pickles, no ketchup, a little bit of mayonnaise, not too much lettuce and no cheese"- she got tired of waiting. Checking her watch, she realized that it had been ten minutes since she'd come out of the bathroom.

_I'll call for another minute, and then if she doesn't come I'm going back alone, _Emily decided. Anyway, Garcia had a cell phone which Hotch or Rossi could call when she found them.

She tried one last time. "GARRRRSEEEEEEAAAAAA!"

No reply.

Okay then. Time to head back. Except…

Which way was it? The man had said…what was it again? Past the pandas, first right and then second left, wasn't it? Or was it second right, second left? Or maybe _first _left?

She tried looking for signs, but all she could see were people, everywhere. She could barely even see seven feet in front of her- everything was blocked by huge strollers and swinging bags and cotton candy and shouting vendors and animal enclosures and flashing cameras and lots and lots of _people_.

Alright, don't panic, she coached herself. Just ask someone for the way back to the picnic area.

Stopping a young, harried-looking zoo employee with curly hair, on his way to the dolphins with a bucket full of food, she asked if he knew the way to the picnic spot.

"Which one?" he asked rudely, swinging the bucket of stinking fish alarmingly close to her hair as he turned around.

Her stomach sank. "Which one?" she repeated.

"Yeah, kid, which one." When she didn't answer, he went on, "Look, honey, this's my first week on the job, and already I'm ten minutes late to the dolphin show for the second time in as many days. I'm _this _close to gettin' sacked. Now you gotta better question or not?"

"I- yeah, I need to get to the picnic area," she said again, stepping away from him to avoid being splattered with fish-water.

He sighed in annoyance. "Kid, the zoo's huge. There're five picnic areas- which one you want?"

"The one near here."

He sighed again, running a fishy hand through his hair- she wrinkled her nose in disgust. "This is the north end of the zoo. South end's got two, and there're three at this end."

"But…I need the one with the trees! And there were lots of wooden benches…" She described it, hoping anxiously that he would know which one she was talking about. "And…and a path with rocks…"

The man, sensing her desperation, put the fish down. "Sorry, hun, can't help you there. All the picnic spots're designed exactly the same."

"But I need to find the one I need!" She was aware that she wasn't making any sense, but she couldn't help it.

The young man took pity on her. "Look, I gotta go. But I tell you what: go talk to Frank over there- see him, selling the tickets? He'll help you find the one you're looking for. Good luck!" With a half-hearted smile and a meaningless wave, he hefted the bucket up and scurried away, dodging tourists and weaving effortlessly through the crowd.

She stared after him, then shook herself and looked around for the Frank that was mentioned. Man selling tickets…man selling tickets…come on, Emily, look for any guy at all wearing a bright red t-shirt…Ah, there!

She darted towards him, recognizing him as the 'cheese-and-corn' guy from earlier. A small family was gathered around him, and she waited patiently for them to finish before she approached him cautiously.

"Hi."

He looked down, smiling curiously when he saw her. "Back again…Emily wasn't it?"

"Yeah, I was wondering if you could help me…again," she added with a small smile. "I'm looking for this picnic area where my friends are. Do you know where that could be?"

He pursed his lips, thinking. "Well, it could be one of several. Let's see, when I first met you, you were down by the pandas. Does that help?"

She shook her head ruefully. "We'd been walking for ten minutes by then."

"Ah. I see." He glanced around, then back at her, then at the passers-by again, some of whom were waiting behind Emily to buy tickets. "Where's that nice pink lady that was with you?" he asked her. "Doesn't she know?"

"I'm lost." Emily was almost embarrassed to admit it. "I can't find her. I know where everyone else is, but I'm not sure _exactly _which picnic area."

"Hmm…" he blew out his breath, thinking hard. Then he glanced around again. "Well, I'll tell you what. We can go to the Employees Only section and I'll announce your name over the loudspeaker. They can come pick you up." He grinned at her, his mood lifting. "Sound alright?"

Emily nodded, the pit in her stomach disappearing. "Thanks."

"As I said before, it's my pleasure."

He tucked the tickets he was selling into his bag, and they started to walk. "So how old are you?" he asked conversationally. "I'm Frank, by the way. Franklin Peyson."

"Emily," she said, before she remembered that she'd told him already. "Seven."

Frank waved at a fellow employee before turning back to her. "Live around here?"

She shrugged warily in response, unwilling to divulge any personal information. Even though he seemed nice, if a little too energetic and helpful.

He nodded, seeming to understand. "You're a good girl. Your parents are probably very proud of you."

Making a neutral sound, she kicked at a stone on the ground. "Whatever. How long until we get there?"

They'd reached a quieter part of the zoo, although there were still several people milling about in sunglasses, snapping pictures. Frank pointed to a gate, which led to the back of the fish aquarium. "Just through this gate," he said, walking over to it and unlatching it. "It's a shortcut."

Emily hesitated. "Can we use the normal way?" she asked politely.

Frank gave her an odd look but closed the gate anyway. "Sure we could. I just thought this would be easier because the long way takes ten minutes longer." He started to head back the way they came.

Uh...Emily glanced at her watch. 1:45. Twenty-five minutes since she was meant to meet Garcia. The older woman had probably called in the entire FBI by now. Not to mention the CIA and MI6.

Plus, she admitted to herself, she was being overly-paranoid. Nothing about this guy seemed off, and it was broad daylight. She could see about fifty people within talking distance. "You know what, actually, could we just take the shorter route? My…aunt's probably freaking out right about now."

"Understandable," Frank said, not commenting on her hesitation. "Don't worry- we'll find her in no time. The intercom can be heard throughout the entire zoo. You're not our first lost one." He unlatched the gate again, and opened it, motioning to her to go through. "Ladies first."

She walked in first, taking in the back of the aquarium. It was glass, and she could see some bright yellow fish as well as the tourists on the other side of the aquarium, at the front end, taking pictures of the fish. "Is this where you feed the fish?"

Frank looked at her. "Sorry? Oh, no. We use this back entrance, but there's a door in there that takes you up to the top of the viewing gallery. From there we just pour in the nutrients or whatever else is needed."

"Cool." She watched the fish swim around, hypnotizing in the cerulean water, for a few more seconds, then looked at Frank. "Can we go now?"

"Yeah, sure," he said, smiling at her. "They're interesting aren't they?"

"Yeah." With one last look at the beautiful yellow creatures, she tore her gaze away and followed Frank through the small alley.

It was funny how the front of the zoo was so perfectly-kept and maintained, Emily mused, while the back end, the part no-one was meant to see, was grey and cramped and crumbling. They could paint it, at least.

The gate they had come in through led them to a small alley- small, but still large as far as alleys come. Emily could tell that the alley winded around and, from the doors labelled 'Dolphinarium', 'Reptile House' and 'Aquarium', she deduced that it probably went around the back of every building in the park.

Past the transparent walls of the aquarium, the alley was surrounded by grey walls, with the occasional door marked with either a number or an animal's name. Passing one labelled 'DN12', she called to Frank, who was a few steps ahead of her:

"What's that mean?"

He turned to her. "What's that?"

"That," she repeated, pointing. "DN12".

He looked briefly to where she was gesturing before carrying on, motioning to her to follow. "It's Darren's room," he explained. "Darren Newick, the manager. Each room's labelled, see. That's room 12, and it belongs to Darren." He chuckled at her expression. "Thought it was some sort of secret zoo code?"

She laughed too, her eyes sparkling. "Something like that."

They turned a corner and came to a fork, where the path split into two alleys, each closed off by a gate. After he pulled out a bunch of keys and unlocked it, she followed Frank through the left one, tripping over a pebble as she did.

"Careful," he said, turning around and looking her over before re-locking the gate. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine…" She kicked the pebble away before asking "how far is it now?"

Frank cocked his head to one side, and kept going, but didn't answer her, almost as if he hadn't heard.

They walked on for a minute longer, Emily struggling and having to jog to keep up with Frank's hurried pace. Finally she stopped jogging and began to walk again, calling "How long now? My feet are tired."

Again, he didn't answer. If anything, he picked up his pace. A seed rooted itself in her belly. She tried to push it away, but it didn't budge.

"Frank!" She pushed forward after him, through the winding alley. "Frank! Wait for me!"

He turned at that, a small smile playing on his lips. The seed grew. "Well, we can't leave you behind, can we?" He gestured to her. "Come on."

She kept walking forward but slowed down considerably, to show him that she didn't want to go any further, finally coming to a halt in front of him.

"Frank...how much further?" she asked directly, trying to shoot away that nervous, twisting, growing seed in her belly.

He met her gaze, and she recognized the opaque, clouded look in his eyes for what it was before she knew what it meant. Her mind screamed _Run! _before her brain had time to register the sinister smile creeping over his face. Her body scrambled to get away, away, anywhere but here, before she even ordered it to move. And still she kept hoping, praying that it wasn't what it looked like.

He advanced.

The seed exploded.

She screamed.

He darted to her with elf-like quickness, a nimbleness she never would have guessed belonged to his muscular frame. His hand shot out, and her mouth was covered.

His hand was strangely rough for a ticket seller, she noted numbly, her mind already detached and distant.

"Shh, there's a good girl. Cottoned on fast…" Frank grumbled, more to himself. And then back to her: "Shh, Emily, it's alright," he crooned. "It's okay…Don't scream, now. It's alright…"

Her eyes, previously squeezed shut, opened and met his again; what she saw terrified her. Gone was the eager friendliness, replaced instead by a greedy craze that had swept over his features, and torn to pieces every last shred of sanity. She saw lunacy.

Madness.

Insanity.

_Hunger._

Her instincts overriding her training, she opened her mouth as wide as it would under his callused hand and bit down, hard. He yelped and leapt back a few feet.

It was enough.

She made a dash for it, heading forwards not back, aware that the gate behind them was locked. Her shoes pounded on the concrete floor, his heavy thumps audible behind.

"HELP!" Her voice echoed off the walls, surrounding her with her screams. "Somebody HELP ME!"

And then he caught up.

He lunged at her, pushing her to the floor and landing on top. Her breathing came in short, shallow gasps.

"Don't. Run. Away," he growled, spit flying from his mouth, any semblance of rationality long disappeared. He punctuated each syllable with a shake before hauling her up.

"Please let me go…" she begged, trying in vain to kick him, punch him, hurt him. Her small feet offered little defense, and he advanced closer.

"Emily…" he whispered reverently. "I've waited for you a long time, did you know that?"

"No…" she moaned. "No, you haven't, no, I don't know you…"

"Nobody comes down here, Emily…" He seemed pleased with himself at this knowledge, almost child-like in his pride.

That was it. She wrenched her arm from his grasp and took off, screaming.

"Help! HELP! Somebody HELP!" she screamed, taking off- backwards this time. "HOTCH! ROSSI! Reid, Morgan, Garcia, SOMEODY HELP!"

"_EMILY!_" She heard footsteps distantly, and then faintly: "I swear I heard her!"

The gate. She saw the gate. If she just ran to it fast enough, she could try to clear it. She sprinted faster, nearer and nearer to that damned locked gate until finally she got ready to jump…

Somebody grabbed her around her waist and she thrashed in their arms, panic swallowing her. Frank had her pinned to him.

"_Stop _moving!" he ordered.

"MORGAN! HOTCH! ROSSI!" She could see the gate, it was two feet away and _so _short, but she couldn't jump over it, not in this body. And Frank pulled her away from it, further down the alleyway, his hand now clamped firmly over her mouth.

"Emily!"

Hotch had appeared, and was running down the alley, gun held aloft, closely followed by Reid, Rossi and Morgan. He jumped over the gate as if it were nothing, steam seeming to appear from his eyes.

"PUT THE GIRL DOWN!"

Morgan ran at Frank, tackling him onto the floor but making sure Emily landed on top of him.

"You bastard!" Morgan had pulled Frank out from under Emily and was thumping him, beating him. His eye was swollen. Now his lip was split open. Rossi, and even Reid had joined him in the abuse. Emily sat there, where she had landed.

Simply watching.

When Hotch finally looked away from the scuffle on the ground, he saw Emily, immediately darted to her and picked her up. She stayed motionless, returning the hug but in a forced, reflexive way.

He noticed immediately.

"Come on. Let's get you out of here," he said. "Morgan! That's enough. Rossi, Reid, get off him. He's close to unconsciousness." They unhappily stepped off of him, their faces revealing their unsatisfaction as they handed him roughly to park security, getting in a few punches in the process.

Immediately running after Hotch, who was striding off down the alleyway, the other three men surrounded him and Emily. They were all speaking and shouting, and she couldn't tell who was saying what in the jumble of voices surrounding her.

"Emily, you alright?"

"Emily?"

"Em, don't worry, he's gone now, the zoo police cuffed him up…"

"Can we go back and kill him?"

"No."

"I should go back and pound that fucking moron until…"

"Don't be an idiot, Morgan! We can't kill him…"

"_Thank you_."

"But we could blind him."

"Reid!"

"What? I'm just saying."

"He's right, y'know…"

"How did he even get you?"

"Garcia will be so happy we found you- she was so worried!"

"That bastard deserves to rot…"

"How _did _he get you?"

"Oh, I forgot about Garcia!"

"He didn't touch you did he?"

"I swear if he laid a finger on you…!"

"But you're alright, hey Emily?"

"You're okay?"

"He didn't hurt you?"

"Emily?"

"Emily?"

"Emily?"

"I'M _FINE_!"

Her outburst startled them all into silence, and they finally looked at her- _really _looked at her, immediately beginning to profile.

"Stop. Profiling. Me," she ground out through clenched teeth. "I'm _fine._ He didn't hurt me." She noticed with surprise that she was clutching Hotch's shirt in her fist, and instantly let go, feeling embarassed.

"You sure?" Morgan asked hesitantly. "It's alright to be-"

"-'Fine', Morgan! 'Fine'! Do you not know what that word means?" Emily exploded, turning her face away so she didn't have to look at them. She felt Hotch discreetly rubbing her side in a soothing motion, as she suspected he probably did with Jack. The gesture calmed her down slightly, and she found she liked it, which only served to irritate her more.

She _was _fine. Nothing had happened. Why were they being so patronising?

When she looked up again, the other three men had disappeared, most likely because Hotch had told them to go. She glanced at up at him and saw him watching her, a knowing look on his face.

"What?"

He said nothing in reply, simply moving over to a park bench and sitting down on it, setting her down on his lap, facing him. Her efforts to wriggle off did nothing.

"I want go back, Hotch. I'm fine," she repeated. After a few seconds of trying to squirm away and avoiding Hotch's eyes, she finally spat out "_What?"_

"You're not okay." She didn't expect him to be so direct.

"I _am,_" she insisted.

"No you're not, Emily," he replied with surprising gentleness. "You're terrified. You were holding on to me for dear life back then- that is, when you weren't looking like a zombie."

"I was _not _looking like-"

He cut off her arguments quickly. "Yes you were. If you were older, you'd have profiled yourself by now. Your mind was detached from your body. You weren't focused. You had separated yourself from what was happening. You started-"

"I'm FINE!"

He gave her that annoying knowing look again. "Stop compartmentalizing, Emily. And stop pushing us all away. If you're fine, why do you keep looking behind you for that man?" He grabbed one of her hands. "Why are your nails bitten down to the skin? Why-"

She snapped finally, having held out for a little longer than he thought she would have. "Okay, fine! I'm _not _fine, happy? I'm…" she swallowed, her eyes glistening, "I'm scared. I was so scared…he was…he was coming at me, and I thought…I…he…he told me no-one came down there…" Her voice cracked. "I was _so _scared, and I couldn't even fight him, Hotch! I t-tried to, I _swear _I did!"

He smoothed her hair back. "I know you did. You were running when we found you."

She tried to stop herself from bursting into tears- the concept of never showing emotion had been pounded into her by her parents. To ask for help- to show emotion- was to show weakness, something which she never displayed, even as a child. But despite her best efforts, her bottom lip quivered and a tear trailed down from her eye, and she furiously tried to wipe it away, angry at her body for betraying her. It was followed quickly by two more and she gave up, letting them course down her cheeks. Eventually the tears morphed into small sniffles, and she buried her head into Hotch's chest, crying almost silently.

"I'm s-so _st-stupid!_"

"No, you're not." Hotch began to rub her back, trying to give her some comfort as her shoulders shook with small sobs.

"Y-yes I am! I _f-followed _him. I _followed _him Hotch! He didn't even h-have to _get _me; I _followed _him! And I couldn't even _defend _myself!" She hit out at Hotch's shoulder, taking a page from Morgan's book of 'Hitting Things When Angry'.

Hotch didn't look surprised by this. He continued rubbing Emily's back. "It's okay, Emily…It wasn't your fault…"

She was silent for a moment, her sobs starting to subside. "I felt weak," she said in a small voice.

Hotch felt his heartstrings tug at her small, vulnerable confession. "I know. And it's understandable."

She didn't say anything for a few more seconds. Then: "I thought he was going to kill me. It was…_scary_."

"You're alright now," Hotch said comfortingly. "He's going to jail, and he'll stay there for a long, long time."

Emily's shoulders were starting to relax, Hotch noted, and her sniffles had almost stopped. She gave him a small, teary-eyed smile. "Thanks."

"For what?" Hotch asked, standing up off the bench with her in his arms and starting to walk.

"You were right," she admitted grudgingly, rubbing away the last of her tears. "I wasn't okay. So…thanks for making me mad, so I talked."

"My pleasure." He grinned at her in a very un-Hotch like way. "I'm always happy to antagonize you."

They were nearing the picnic area, and Emily shifted nervously, patting Hotch's arm, the one that was holding her. "Hotch?"

"Yes?"

"I'm fine…ish," she quickly added, "now. Can you put me down? And…and don't tell the others I cried?"

He rolled his eyes, but put her down anyway, giving her one last pat on her shoulder. "You are way too proud for your own good. Sometimes showing a little vulnerability is fine," he almost-scolded, holding her hand.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Aristotle."

But he noticed that she kept a tight, vice-like grip on his hand as they walked.

**XXX**

**Keep asking for what you want to see in the next chapters and I'll try to add it in. I have very little access to computers and internet over the summer so there will be pretty much no updates until end of August.**

**Review please, even if it's criticism. I was really nervous about posting this, so I hope you all liked it even though it was different. **


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

**A/N: It's 2000 words, but it seems shorter for some reason. I'm sorry for the big gap. I've been having a bad month lately being depressed and trying to get over it so I haven't been feeling myself. Ergo, (nice word right?) I updated The Art of Manipulation which is saddy and not this one which is happy. Also ergo, this chapter is not funny, and there will be no funny chapters until I feel funny again. I'm sorry =( But I thought I'd update this again anyway because, you know, I figure better a non-humourous update than none at all right? **

**BY THE WAY did I mention that there were over 1000 hits and over 400 visitors last chapter? I did not? Well, there were! Mwaah! Double Mwaah to reviewers!**

**XXX**

When they reached the team, Emily noticed that JJ and Morgan were deeply involved in a conversation, but her attention was distracted by Garcia.

"Emily!" Garcia's teary face was the first to come rushing towards her, and Emily immediately dropped Hotch's hand like a hot potato, plastering a grin onto her face. Suddenly recalling what had gotten her into the situation in the first place, her wide smile slipped. She stood straight as a board when Garcia tried to hug her, earning her strange looks from everyone else. Thankfully though, Garcia instantly figured out the reason for her cold welcome, and she withdrew, looking horrified.

"I'm honestly _so _sorry, Emily!" The use of her real name rather than a nickname showed how serious Garcia was being, for once, and Emily correctly guessed that the woman had been filled in on the details by Morgan, Reid and Rossi- most likely a watered-down version, considering Jack was sitting there too, interestedly observing the exchange.

Emily _wanted _to be able to brush it off with a 'Whatever, it's fine'. In fact, she would have preferred to forget what had happened, but of course she couldn't, nor could she shake the hurt, anger and anxiety she was feeling- much of it directed at Garcia. Emily knew that wasn't fair to Garcia, and so she took a deep, calming breath before speaking.

"Where were you?"

Although she wondered why there wasn't any of the hot fury she had been expecting, Garcia immediately tried to explain herself. "Oh, sweetie, I am honestly _so _sorry, you have to believe me, I-"

"_Where were you?_" There was the anger. To her credit, Emily was displaying amazing impulse control and standing stock-still, unmoving.

The guilt displayed clearly on Garcia's open-book face alleviated Emily's fury slightly, and she glanced over at the others who were sitting at the picnic table to see their reactions. Reid, Jack, Rossi and Hotch were simply watching, varying degrees of concern in their eyes. Morgan looked tense and protective, although whether of her or Garcia, Emily wasn't sure. JJ just looked pissed.

Garcia was fumbling for words, digging around in her over-sized purple bag. "I just- I didn't think anything like this would happen! I…there was this kid, Emily, the cutest little devil you ever saw- and note the word 'devil', because it is important. He was running around just being a general hooligan, and look!" She fished out the jacket she had been wearing in the morning, showing Emily the dark brown ice cream stains marring the gorgeous pink material. "It's new, I just bought it last week and I was saving up for months to buy it. The parents- obvious moneybags, damn them- called me over and offered to pay for it and I was just exchanging contact details and I don't know, I just…I have it stuck in my head that you can take care of yourself, and so I just, I didn't think…" she broke off, contrite, looking pleadingly at Emily.

"I can take care of myself." The quiet words were spat out with venom, and Garcia looked taken aback.

"I know, Emily," she said gently, after a short pause. "And…I know you know what I meant. It's just…you know me, all about clothes, and I just wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. I was so mad, and they offered to buy me a new one, you know? I was only a maybe a hundred feet away, getting their numbers…"

Emily stroked the jacket quietly, tracing the outlines of the dark stains. Finally she looked up, completely meaning to graciously accept the apology, but her words slipped out anyway. "So a jacket's more important than me?" Bitterly. Where had that come from?

The underlying hurt and accusation in the girl's voice almost brought Garcia to tears. "Oh, honey, of course not. Come here."

Hesitantly, Emily approached her, her head held high. She regretted asking the question, but she'd always had abandonment issues as a child, and now…she cursed the Ambassador for making her look weak in front of her friends.

Garcia wrapped her in a big hug, despite her protests, and then held her hand and walked the six feet back to the others, who had the good sense to start their own conversations. Sliding onto the bench next to JJ and seating Emily between them, Garcia made sure Emily was facing her before continuing.

"Emily, I know anything I say won't make up for my irresponsibility, especially considering between this one," she jerked her thumb in Reid's direction, "and the job, I'm well-versed in what could happen." She swallowed. "What almost _did _happen. You're right, I _was _acting like the jacket was more important than you, and I'm truly, honestly sorry for that. You're my little cupcake, and if anything had happened to you, I don't know what I would have done."

She didn't say anything back, but Emily squeezed Garcia's shoulder and smiled genuinely at her. In response, the older woman wrapped an arm around her shoulder and squeezed back happily.

JJ was watching the exchange, looking pissed, concerned, and wary.

The table drifted into conversation as they all scoffed down their food. As Hotch and Morgan teased Jack, and Reid, Rossi and Garcia debated, JJ stayed silent, watching Emily. Finally she said "I'm glad you're okay."

Emily glanced sideways at her, thrown. "What?"

"I'm really glad you're okay," JJ repeated, this time turning on the bench so her entire body faced Emily. "I was really worried when Garcia came back here screaming bloody murder. And…especially when Rossi told us what happened."

Cocking her head to one side as she processed this, Emily argued "But I was already fine then. They had beaten him up and everything." The others had all very subtly lowered the volume of their conversation and were listening in.

"Yeah, but…" JJ was struggling to phrase it delicately. "I was worried about…_you_."

"About me?" Emily echoed, lost. "Everyone was, I think."

"No, but…I thought you might have, you know…been…" JJ was starting to feel very uncomfortable with the topic, knowing Emily's penchant for keeping cool, calm and collected at all times.

Realization dawned. "Oh," Emily said softly. "You thought I might be…" She, too, struggled to phrase it. "You thought I might be one of the victims."

"I thought you'd come back like a zombie, or screaming when someone touched you, or looking like you'd seen a ghost, or flinching every time I looked at you, or crying, or just being not Emily." JJ swallowed before continuing. "I yelled at Garcia."

"You _what?_"This shocked Emily more than anything else. JJ and Garcia were best friends- in her time at the BAU, she had spent hours with the two of them and had never seen them so much as snap at each other. Even _she _could get snippy with the two, much as she loved them, when she was low on sleep or coffee, or both. So for JJ to have yelled at Garcia…well, that was big.

JJ looked embarrassed at the shock her statement had caused, added to by the fact that she could see the others listening interestedly, but repeated it nevertheless. "I yelled at Garcia. For like ten minutes straight. I…" she hesitated, "I made her cry."

Emily was feeling much more forgiving to Garcia at this point. "Why?" she asked. "I mean, what did you say?"

Putting her head down on the table to hide her cheeks, which were flushed red from the memory, JJ answered in a muffled voice. "I just screamed at her. I was scared you were never gonna come back, and I thought…I don't know. I made her cry, and then I still kept on yelling. So much that Morgan even yelled at me before leaving to find you."

Morgan was shaking his head. "I didn't yell at you." He protested indignantly.

JJ's head popped up from the table. "Yeah, you did!" She paused. "Kind of. It was more snapping, I guess. So anyway," she turned back to Emily, "I'm glad you're back and I was worried, and so now that we all know that can we please talk about something else now because I don't like everyone staring at me?"

The conversation gradually picked up. JJ and Emily both didn't have much to add, sneaking glances at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking. Emily knew that for all her flaws, JJ yelling at Garcia meant that she had probably been on the brink of breaking down herself. And that meant that she had been worried. _Really _worried. In fact, everyone had been really worried. Emily felt strangely warm at this knowledge, and felt her liking for JJ increasing. It felt good to know people cared about you.

She tore a piece of bread off her burger and bit it, wincing as it slid down her raw throat. Why was it so painful? Oh, yeah, because she'd been screaming her ass off when that guy…she shuddered imperceptibly.

Under the table, JJ slipped her hand into Emily's, squeezing reassuringly.

Emily looked at her. "What?"

"Nothin'."

From JJ's face, Emily could tell that the other girl knew she was definitely okay, but not as okay as she was pretending. She gave up her pretence. "How did you know?"

"How did I know what?" JJ played innocent.

"Just now. You squeezed my hand."

The small warm hand clutching hers disappeared. "I did?"

"Yeah, JJ, come on."

She shrugged, chewing and swallowing a french fry before answering. "The other guys came down first without you, so I thought you might not be okay. Then when you came, you were holding Hotch's hand, so I definitely knew you weren't okay. Just now you winced when you ate, and then you looked like you were thinking about something painful. And plus your eyes are puffy."

"Remind me again why you're not a profiler?"

JJ gave a delighted laugh at the compliment and carried on eating.

Under the table, Emily found JJ's hand and squeezed back in thanks.

**XXX**

**A/N: Copied + pasted from my other story A/N because me = tres lazy. **

**A/N: I talk too much in these. Anyway, ****three things:**

**No 1. I have a new one-shot up, called Baby Blues. It's not one of my better stories, but I am incredibly proud of the fact that I managed to have a reasonably sane, rational, logical dream, remember it, and write it down. So yeah, check it out. Humour JJReid friendship fluff.**

**No 2. I too lazy to link it, so go to ilovetvalot's profile where you will find a link to the 2011 CM Profiler's Choice Fanfic Awards**

**No. 3 Okay, I've been telling EVERYONE about this vid, but I seriously love it. Youtube 'Guess who's back? Criminal Minds Emily' and watch the video. Tell me you don't have a big cheesy grin on your face during the first ten seconds! And also, everyone's probs seen it by now, but the 'Wheels Up' music video ft. the CM cast. HILARIOUS.**

**~Maddie**


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**

**A/N: Sorry! Late. I know.**

**BEFORE YOU READ THIS, WATCH ON YOUTUBE: /watch?v=d0LN5ReBZrg**

**XXX**

"You guys want to…start looking around now?" Morgan asked cautiously once all the plates were clean, eyeing Emily appraisingly. "What d'you say, midget?"

JJ and Jack had their fingers crossed under the table, and both erupted with huge grins when Emily replied: "Sure, I'm fine with it." She wiped her hands on a napkin and tossed it at a nearby trash can, smiling when it landed in the target. "Let's go."

"Are you sure?" Garcia asked worriedly, hovering nearby, her hands outstretched and looking for some part of Emily to fuss over. Jack and JJ's smiles dropped more with every word. "Because if you want to go home, we totally can, and we can just kick back and relax and you don't have to drag yourself anywhere near here ever again in your-"

"I'm fine," Emily repeated more firmly, giving Garcia a look that said plainly 'Don't make this difficult for me'. "Let's go look around."

"Seriously?" JJ asked in delight, hopping up from the bench and pulling Reid up with her.

"Yeah, sure, why not?" Emily was trying to play cool, and maybe she was laying it on too thick but so what?

As the group made their way out of the picnic area, they all centered themselves around the three kids in the middle, forming a sort of subconscious protective barrier. It didn't pass unnoticed by any one of the profilers, and they smiled ruefully at each other before moving apart.

"So what should we do?" JJ asked, her eyes lighting up as she took in the various candy stalls scattered around the zoo. "Ohmigosh look! Look! Giant lollipops! Can I have one Hotch? Please? Please?" Before anyone could answer, her mouth dropped open. "NO! Look over there! They have all that cotton candy! Can I please have some? Just a bit with blue and pink and- cool, look, they have purple! Maybe it's grape-flavoured! Or maybe raspberry or blueberry or eggplant! I _need _some of that!"

"You don't _need _it, JJ," Hotch answered automatically, smirking when he realized his auto-pilot answer, a reflex after years of raising Jack.

"And why would you want to try anything _eggplant_-flavoured?" Morgan was quick to show his revulsion. "That's disgusting!"

"It's eggplant-flavoured _sugar_, that's why," she answered in a 'duh' voice, rolling her eyes at Emily, who, instead of grinning back, looked at Hotch nervously.

He immediately noticed. "What's wrong?"

"No, no, nothing's wrong," she said hastily, pointing at a poster a few feet away from them. "I just saw…there's a poster there, for a show that's on soon and it looked like fun and I was just thinking that maybe…"

"We will do anything you want to do, sweetheart," Rossi proclaimed, standing tall like her personal guard. "Do you want to see the show?"

"Yeah," Emily admitted.

"Then lead the way." They started to walk in the direction the poster directed before Jack interrupted with an angry "Hey!"

"But you said we could see the tigers first, Uncle Dave!" he protested indignantly, arms folded. "Just now while we were eating, remember?"

"Did I?"

Jack looked alarmingly close to stomping his foot. "Yes! You _just _said I could pick!"

"Well, that was before," Rossi told him gravely. "Sometimes things happen that are out of our control and we just have to accept the circumstances and move on."

They were all sure that Jack's furious voice could be heard for miles. "But this isn't out of our control! _You're deciding it_!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but I've decided that Emily can pick today."

JJ joined in. "How come she gets to choose?"

"Because she's had a hard day," came the answer, and Emily smirked.

"But I don't want to see a stupid show! I wanted to see the penguins first! Morgan told me I could…" JJ whined, looking pleadingly at Reid. "Spence! Tell him! It's not fair!"

"Life's not fair," Rossi answered firmly.

Hotch joined in, giving both kids a stern look. "Emily's had a bad day, so we've said that she can decide. She picked the show and that's what we're going to see. That is final."

"Morgan! They're being morons!"

"Uncle Spencer! Uncle Dave's being an unfair idiot!"

"Garcia, do something!"

"TELL THEM!"

The three adults exchanged looks and shrugged. "She _has _had a bad day…" Reid started apologetically.

"But the show is on every hour!" Jack protested. "We can see it at night! We can't see the tigers in the dark!"

"_Please, _Morgan," JJ pleased, using her best puppy-dog eyes. "You know it's not fair. You _promised _me we'd go see the penguins first."

"I know," he started, contrite, "but Rossi and Hotch are right. If Emily wants to pick, I think we should be a little less selfish and do something nice for her, especially after what she's been through. Don't you?"

The two kids glared at him before finally relenting.

"Fine," JJ muttered, storming off down the path. "Let's go." Jack followed her angrily.

"Wait, you two!" Hotch called loudly, waiting for them to return before continuing. "Two things. First, you were both very rude and insulting to Uncle Dave and me just now, and I think we need an apology."

"You don't _need _one," JJ returned snarkily, before shrinking under Hotch's death glare. "Alright, fine! Sorry for calling you morons. There, happy?"

"Immensely. And you, Jack."

"Sorry for calling you unfair idiots."

Hotch nodded, satisfied. "Good. Secondly, after what happened I think we are going to operate with the buddy system. Pick your buddies. And," he added before anyone could say a word, "the age difference must be at least ten years."

"I call Spence," JJ said moodily, going to stand beside him, looking like she wanted to stab him with a pitchfork. He swallowed nervously.

"Aunt Penelope," Jack ground out, stamping over to her side. She moved a few inches away nervously.

Emily glanced at the remaining choices and shrugged. "Morgan, I guess."

They stood beside their partners, looking expectantly at Hotch, who finally nodded. "_Now _we can go."

Six of them walked and two of them stomped down the path that led to the small theatre where they were playing the Sing 'n' Dance Animal Show, a play about a little elephant named Andy on a mission to find a friend that would accept him despite his big nose. The man at the entrance handed them all information flyers, and they trooped in and found seats in the front row amongst the dozens of chattering kids and parents.

"_Look _at this!" Jack's lip curled back in annoyance as he skimmed over the flyer in his hand. "'Welcome to the Sing 'n' Dance Animal Show! We're glad you could join us today!' Yeah, right."

JJ continued, her disgust growing with each word as she stumbled over the reading. "'Andy is the only baby ele- eleph- elephant in his…herd, and so he has no elephant…friends. Join Andy on his qu-quest to find a true friend, and get ready to parti-partiki-participate…on this wild…adventure!' Okay, I'll participate. In. Their. Dreams."

"Pipe down, you," Garcia scolded, the only one looking forward to the hour ahead. "Don't be rude to Emily's choice."

In truth, Emily was feeling just as repulsed by the cheesy lines and the obviously-corny storyline as the others, but she wasn't going to say anything. Milking her newfound status for all it was worth had quickly become her top priority. And if she could annoy JJ and Jack in the process, then why not?

"This is so _merde_!" Jack muttered furiously under his breath, ignoring Emily's smile and Hotch's glare.

This officially sucked.

Big time.

Just then, a slim woman in a sparkly dress and a large, bedazzled man holding a trumpet marched proudly onto the stage. The man blew the trumpet, puffed out his chest like a peacock, and took a deep breath. "Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention! It gives me great pleasure to welcome you to our Sing 'n' Dance Animal Show, world famous everywhere but in 192 countries and 49 states!"

Jack face-palmed as the entire theatre guffawed.

The man continued, "My name is Mike, this is Bonnie, and today we along with our talented colleagues will regale you with the story of Andy, the only baby elephant in his herd. Would you like to meet him?"

"YYYYEEEEESSSSSSS!" yelled the kids in the theatre.

"Then call him out and see what happens!"

"I've never hated anyone as much as I hate this guy," JJ whispered to Jack as the theatre bellowed "AAAANNNNNDDYYYY!"

"What was that?" Bonnie cried in a high-pitched voice. "I can't hear you!"

"AAAAAAAAANNNNDDYYYYYYYY!" the theatre screamed at the top of their lungs, and JJ slouched in her seat.

"Never mind. I hate her more."

"Hey, I hear something, Mike!" Bonnie exclaimed in fake surprise. "What could it be?"

"I know what it is: it's Andy!" Mike said happily as someone in an elephant costume trooped onto the stage. "Hey, old fella- whoops, I mean _young _fella!" With a huge wink towards the audience and an exaggerated wave, he and Bonnie pranced to the side of the stage.

The forty-minute play was noisy, to say the least. After five minutes, it became apparent that audience participation was an integral part of the show, and after the sixth time the entire hall erupted in ear-piercing screeches, JJ had covered her ears and buried her head and neck under Morgan's arm. Jack, seeing her, decided to do the same with Hotch.

Both of them might have enjoyed the show if they wanted to since it was targeted at their age group, but the two had decided from the very beginning that they were not going to like it, and so they didn't. Meanwhile everyone else, including Morgan and Hotch, found themselves tapping along to the catchy songs unconsciously. Garcia was full-out dancing in her seat, and was one of the screechers responsible for Jack and JJ's claimed deafness.

"Where is he?" Andy was asking from the stage, moping around. "I don't like this hide-and-seek game. I can't win…" He started to traipse off the stage.

A monkey popped out from behind the wooden trees, waved at the audience, and then disappeared again.

Immediately, the theatre exploded with noise. "LOOK THERE! BEHIND YOU! THEEEEERE!"

Andy paused, lifting one foot to his ear. "What was that?" He looked left, and the monkey moved right.

"THEERRE! HE'S BEHIND YOU!"

Andy turned around to face the back, and the monkey jumped to the front, sticking his tongue out and wiggling his hips. "Where? I don't see anybody…"

"Oh for God's sake!" JJ moaned, as if in pain.

"HE'S BEHIND YOU!"

Andy turned, as did the monkey. "There isn't anyone! Are you trying to trick me?"

The hall was filled with indignant protests. "NOOOO! BEHIND YOU! BEHIND YOUUUU!"

"Behind me? He's behind me?" At last, Andy turned and saw the monkey. "Yayyyy! I found him! Thanks for all your help, guys! I couldn't have done it without you!"

'We did it!', the song from Dora the Explorer, began to blast over the speakers.

_We did it, we did it, we did it, hurray! Lo hicimos! Yeah we did it! We did it, we did it, we did it, hurray!_

Andy, Mike, Bonnie, the monkey, and all the other animal cast members ran up onto the stage and began dancing their hearts out to the song.

Jack and JJ began rocking, their hands over their ears, murmuring 'La la la la la la la la la' over and over to themselves.

Finally, when the song ended, they both jumped up desperately, more than ready to leave. "_Now _can we go?" they begged.

"Uh, hold on," Hotch answered, checking his watch. "It's an hour-long play."

"They kept us here for _four _hours!" JJ looked outraged. "We should sue them."

"Not quite. It's only been forty minutes."

Both children stared at him disbelievingly. "You have got to be kidding," Jack said seriously.

"I don't know why you're complaining," Emily put in sweetly. "_I _think it's a really great show! Go Andy!"

With stormy looks at Emily, JJ and Jack both resumed their seats, just as Mike started his announcement.

"That concludes Andy's story, _but_ don't get too disappointed, kids! We still have twenty minutes left and I think you know what that means!"

Jack visibly paled. "Don't say it, don't say it…"

"Dance contest!" Bonnie exclaimed in delight. "Can we have ten volunteers? Don't be shy! You can bring your parents or family with you!"

"ME!"

"MEEEE! PICK MEE!"

"NOOO! MEEEEE!"

"OVER HERE!"

"I WANT TO! MEEEE! MEEEE!"

Bonnie and Mike made their way through the audience at the back, picking children at random. Finally, they returned to the stage. "We have six lucky volunteers, but we need four more from the front! Raise your hands high! Try to touch the sky so we can see you!"

Mike came to the front row and glanced at Emily. "Hey there! Would you like to take part in our dance contest?"

"Sure!" she replied brightly. "And these two are my family!" She pointed to JJ and Jack, smirking.

"Well, you're all welcome to join! Which parents will you be bringing?"

Rossi glanced at the team for a second. "Give us a moment."

"Of course. Just come on up when you're ready."

"I'm not taking part in any stupid competition!" JJ announced immediately.

"Me either," Jack agreed firmly.

"Oh," Emily sighed. "I guess I'll just have to do it all by myself, and win the bag of chocolate that comes with it. If you two are too chicken…"

"Chocolate…?" JJ repeated dumbly.

"Chicken…?" Jack echoed.

"Let's do it," JJ said suddenly with determination. "Who's going with who?"

"I call Uncle Derek and Aunt Penelope!" Jack spoke up immediately, purposefully taking the best dancers.

Instantly, Emily stuck her bottom lip out, her eyes watering. "But…but _I _was going to take them…"

"Jack!" Hotch scolded. "You know better than to be rude! Let Emily pick first!"

Jack's hands balled into fists as Garcia and Morgan shuffled over to Emily, smiling lovingly at her and ruffling her hair.

"I'm _not _dancing with you," Jack informed his father seriously.

"None of the rest of us are dancing anyway," Hotch replied, only to be met with Emily's puppy-dog eyes and pleading expression.

"Oh, please, Hotch? I want Jack and JJ to be able to compete with me…please?"

"Oh, fine," he said, giving in. "If it's what you want. JJ, Jack, pick your teams."

"I want Uncle Dave!" Jack yelled immediately, knowing Reid could not dance to save his life. JJ scowled but nodded.

"Fine then, I get Hotch _and _Reid."

The eight of them, along with one other little boy and his parents from the row behind them, walked onto the stage, Emily swinging from Morgan and Garcia's hands.

When they were all assembled, Mike announced that the winners would be judged based on the amount of applause each team received. Then he went around letting each child introduce themselves as well as their parents.

When he reached Emily, she smiled sweetly and curtsied. "Hi! I'm Emily, I'm seven years old, and this is my Mom and that's my Dad." Morgan and Garcia beamed at her, and Hotch, Reid and Rossi wore matching Isn't-She-Adorable expressions.

"Hello, Emily! And who's this lovely young lady beside you?" Mike asked, turning to JJ. After one glance at Emily, she too smiled widely.

"Hi! I'm Jennifew. I'm Emmy's cousin and I'm fow years old," she pronounced with a fake lisp. "But my nickname is JJ."

"Nice to meet you, JJ! And who are your parents?" Mike asked, smiling questioningly.

"This is my fiwst Daddy and this is my second Daddy," JJ said as cutely as she could, pointing to Reid and Hotch, who turned bright red. "And sometimes people say I'm not nowmal 'cause I don't got a Mommy but they both love me vewy vewy much. And I love them!"

JJ jumped up towards Reid, who caught her, but just barely, and had to hold Hotch's arm to steady himself, adding to the loving family image that JJ was sending out. The audience awww-ed at the four-year-old, with her arms around both of her loving gay parents.

"Hi, JJ and Daddies!" Mike turned to Jack. "Aaand…last but not least we have _this_ charming young man!"

Jack grabbed the microphone and, taking his cue from JJ, leaned into Rossi's side. "My name is Jack and I'm seven years old."

When Jack deliberately did not mention Rossi, Mike prompted, "And your parent…?"

" I…" Jack sniffled, "I don't have any parents. They died just after I turned seven, and so now I live with my grandpa. He has cancer though, and so that's why we came here, to go out together one last time." He smiled, teary-eyed and martyr-like. "But I don't want any…what's it called, pity votes, so can we pretend you don't know that?"

The entire theatre gave a collective 'Awwwww…' as Hotch tried to shoot death-rays at his son through his icy glare.

Mike smiled softly. "Of course. Welcome, Grandpa and Jack. You'll have to dance with each other for the first parents' dance, is that okay?"

Hotch and Reid looked very, very pissed when Mike announced the first dance: A parents' romantic couples dance.

"Children, come to the side," he said. "This first dance is only a competition for the parents. Start the music please." A slow, romantic melody began to drift through the speaker.

"Let the games begin!"

The parents lovingly turned to one another and swayed to the tune, Morgan and Garcia not hesitating to do the same. Rossi looked at Jack, shrugged, and took his hand, dancing with him and smirking at his two left feet.

Which left Hotch and Reid. Standing stock-still, unmoving.

"Come on, Daddies!" JJ hollered from the sidelines, her eyes flashing dangerously.

They didn't move.

Morgan and Garcia sashayed confidently past as the music started to change to a Latin-American salsa rhythm, moving their hips in time to the beat. "Hey, losers. Don't worry, we'll let you touch our cup."

Rossi was teaching Jack the standard forward-forward-back-back step, adding a few of his own moves in. He chuckled at Morgan and Garcia, spinning Jack around. "Looks like the competition's between you two and me…Hotch and Reid seem to be going into shock."

"No!" JJ shrieked, jumping up and down. "Move! Dance! Now!" When there was no response, she ran up onto stage and, smiling sweetly all the time, raised her hands for Hotch to lift her up. The moment he did, she grabbed Reid's neck with one hand and yanked him closer to her, gripping Hotch's ear with her other hand. "Listen up, amigos," she hissed through her loving smile, "you don't dance in the next ten seconds, and I will make sure that every case we have starts at one a.m. and only requires two agents, capiche?"

"Oh, they ain't gonna move, shrimp," Morgan said assuredly, flicking her hair as she angrily returned to the children's area. "They're too _chicken_."

"Daddy's a chicken!" Jack crowed, catching on to Rossi's teaching and shaking his hips like a true Salsa champion. "Buck-buck-buck-_buck!_"

"What's the matter, never danced before?" Rossi teased Reid, grabbing Jack's hand and spinning him 360 degrees.

Garcia intervened then, one of her hands on Morgan's chest. "Leave them alone! It's not their fault they can't dance."

Hotch and Reid glanced at each other, jaws clenched, and then simultaneously moved towards each other.

"Okay, so if you put your hand, ah…"

"I'll put one hand on your shoulder…"

"And then, ah…" Reid looked helplessly at Morgan and Garcia. "So they've got- we have to- you should…I mean, I put one hand on your- your hip, and…"

"And then we just…" Hotch swallowed. "We just…move."

"Okay, forward, forward, back, back," Reid directed, scowling at Jack as he stuck his tongue out at the odd couple. "We are winning this."

"Agreed," Hotch answered without hesitation. "Just…shake your hips or something. There we go…keep going…"

"They like us!" Reid realized, grinning suddenly at the audience. "They started clapping when we danced."

"Just keep doing what we're doing," Hotch ordered, his authority marred by his awkwardly jerking hips. They froze as the music changed.

"What?" Reid complained. "But we were just getting good!"

"You gotta be better than good to win, Pretty Boy!" Morgan yelled, dropping Garcia's hand to start to dance to Thriller. "Oh yeah, I'm the second MJ."

"_What _is _that_?" Reid asked, staring at the other couples as they raised their hands and walked from side to side, before starting to copy. "Come on! If you want to win, copy them!"

Hotch was staring into space. "Wait. I can moonwalk."

"You're an astronaut?"

"No!" Hotch cleared his throat, joining Reid in the thriller dance. "It's a dance move. I learned it in college. If I do it, we'll almost definitely win."

"Do it!" Reid ordered, his hands in claws, his knees bent in imitation of the other parents. Hotch hesitated, but nodded and moved forward from the dancing line, his black suit and office shoes perfect for the dance.

"Quitting already, Aaron?" Rossi taunted, but his mouth dropped open when Hotch started to glide effortlessly across the floor.

JJ's "YES! GO HOTCH! I MEAN, GO DADDY 1!" could be heard for miles.

The entire theatre erupted in applause as Hotch rejoined the line of parents after his solo. Reid grinned widely. "They love us! Ha, Morgan!"

"You wait, kid! We're gonna wipe the floor with you!"

"Next song, parents!" Mike shouted. "You're doing great!"

'_I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get-"_

"Is he singing about- about-" Reid spluttered, going red in the face. "What do we do?"

"Shake what your mama gave you!" Morgan answered, he and Garcia dancing in circles. The other parents were doing the same, laughing. "Or are you _embarrassed_?"

"No!" Reid replied angrily. "Come on, Hotch." He imitated Morgan, Rossi and Garcia, pulling Hotch in line with him. The theatre roared their approval as the music drifted off.

The line stopped dancing, flushed and laughing at themselves.

"Well done, everybody!" Bonnie gushed in her high-pitched voice. "You should all be extremely proud of your parents."

"But now," Mike continued, "is what you've all been waiting for. Kids, you may all join your parents on stage. I'm going to play songs, and you're going to dance. Then we'll announce the winners!"

"YAAAAAAAAYYY!" screamed the kids as they tackled their parents on stage.

Emily ran up and high-fived Morgan and Garcia, while JJ just strolled past Hotch and Reid.

"Passable," was all she said.

"First song!" Mike announced. "I think you'll all know it…"

The first few bars of the song floated out of the speakers, and Morgan and Rossi froze.

"Oh, no…"

"No."

"Not the…"

"I'm not chicken-dancing!"

But they had no choice as Emily, Jack and Garcia pulled their team members forward and forced them to dance. As she flapped her arms, JJ was surprised to notice that Hotch and Reid were staring straight ahead, unblinking, but both were dancing and neither needed encouragement.

"We're going to win this," Reid muttered. "We're going to win this, we're going to win this…"

"It'll shut Morgan up," Hotch was chanting under his breath. "It's for a good cause, it's for a good cause, it's for a good cause…"

Thankfully, the song ended soon, and the next song blasted out.

'_A la tuhuelpa legria macarena, Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena, A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena!_'

"Oh, I know this song!" JJ cried happily, starting the moves. "I'll teach you."

Jack and Emily, too, were happy that they knew the Macarena, and Rossi and Morgan deemed the moves manly enough to attempt. Again, Hotch and Reid glanced at JJ to learn the moves, and then started dancing without hesitation, even adding in the occasion clap and wave to the audience.

"We're going to win this," Reid muttered to convince himself, just as Mike announced that there were five minutes left.

"So gear up, ladies and gentlemen, and give it your best!"

'_Apple bottom jeans, jeans, Boots with the fur, The whole club was looking at her. She hit the floor, she hit the floor, Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low._'

"I want you to…do the bus driver!" Mike hollered, and he was met with chuckles and whistles.

"What's the bus driver?" Reid started at JJ, who demonstrated.

"Like this. You put your hands out like you're driving, and then you drive."

Hotch had to force himself to, reminding himself that if he didn't, the Chicken Dance and Moonwalk would have been for nothing. So he gritted his teeth, and did the bus driver.

"Free-style!" Mike yelled, when a western hoe-down song came on. "Let me see you all being cowboys!"

Most of the parents just stood around shaking their legs, but Morgan, Garcia and Emily linked hands and started to dance around in a circle, and the applause got louder.

"Yeeeeee-haw!" Jack shouted, grabbing Rossi's hand and pretending to ride a horse. The cheers increased.

Hotch, JJ and Reid put their heads together for a second for a quick conference before standing up and hooking their fingers into the waistbands of their pants. Then they quickly started an improvised tap-dance/square-dance, tapping their feet and moving around, exchanging partners every so often. Hotch and Reid, careful to exploit the gay family angle, made sure that they were partners often, and when it was JJ dancing with either of them, the other would clap loudly and pretend to sniff and wipe away a stray tear.

The applause threatened to blow a hole in their eardrums.

When it died down, Mike walked on stage, holding two giant bags of assorted chocolate and candy. JJ's eyes widened, and she almost drooled.

"I think we have a clear winner!" he announced brightly, striding up to Hotch and Reid. "Congratulations, JJ and Daddies! And," he added, turning to Jack. "For our delightful runner-up…" Jack grabbed the candy, bowing.

"Thank you. It'll be by memory of this last trip with my Grandpa."

"But your sign said you only award the winners," Emily pointed out suspiciously, as Jack leaned into Rossi's side.

Mike coughed. "Yes, well, I think…we made an exception, this time. Don't you agree, ladies and gentlemen?"

There was thundering applause for Jack and Rossi.

"Thank you all!" Bonnie shouted. "Please exit through the doors on the right!"

Morgan jumped angrily off the stage, the others following. JJ whispered something in Garcia's ear and then ran off with Jack. "This is bull," Morgan complained.

"We won," Reid said proudly. "Accept it."

Emily sidled up to Hotch's side, tugging on his sleeve. "Hotch…"

He crouched down to her level. "Yes?"

"I _really, really _wanted the candy…I thought maybe it would make me feel better and make me forget about what happened today."

Hotch glanced down at her, as did Morgan, Garcia, Reid and Rossi.

As one, they called "JJ! Jack! Get over here!"

The two came running, struggling to open the knot on their candy bags.

"What?" JJ asked, before continuing, "Did you see how we won? It was so cool!"

"And we won all this candy!" Jack exclaimed. "Can you open mine?"

Hotch shook his head. "Jack, it's polite to offer other people food first. Both of you ask Emily if she wants the candy. It was her show, remember? And she's had a terrible day."

Both kids' faces turned stormy. "Emily," Jack ground out through clenched teeth. "Do you want my candy?"

"JJ?" Rossi prompted.

"Do you want _my _candy?" JJ hissed, daring the other girl to say yes.

"That's so nice of you!" Emily gushed. "Thanks, guys! I really wanted some." She grabbed both bags and smiled sweetly at Hotch. "This _is _making me feel better."

"I'm glad it is."

As they filed out of the theatre, JJ held Jack back. "Don't worry. We'll get back at them. And her."

"How?" he asked.

"I took some money from Garcia," she told him, after checking to make sure no-one was listening. "And," she continued, pulling something out from under her shirt. "I bought this."

Jack eyed the CD as if he was afraid it was going to blow up. "What is that?" he asked warily, taking it from her and turning it over, studying the blank cover.

"A taping of the show." JJ grinned. "Including the dance contest at the end."

**XXX**

**A/N: So this fic was nominated for another**__**Profiler's Choice Award at the Chit Chat on Author's Corner Forum (link on ilovetvalot's profile), this time for best Emily/JJ! I admit I was ecstatic, especially considering that there are some amazing Emily/JJ fics out there. Thank you to everyone who nominated it!**


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, as usual. **

**A/N: Hehehe. So. 34 reviews last chapter, hmm? And my usual is about 15-20. I'll leave it at that.**

**No, I won't. Reviewing only when a story is in 'danger'? That's low, people. LOW. I've given you a 3000-word whopper, so review, or the story gets it. P.S. If you can't review because you already left one for this chapter, do it anonymously =D**

**XXX**

"Okay. So. We did the stupid show. Can we go now?" Jack asked, his annoyance clear. Beside him, JJ nodded fervently.

"Yeah!" She pointed an accusing finger at Morgan. "You said we could go see the penguins first!"

"And _you_," Jack nodded at Rossi, "said that we were going to see the tigers first."

"And we didn't. So you're all a bunch of whiny, promise-breaking chicken-heads. So ha!" JJ finished, crossing her arms triumphantly, pleased at the insult she'd come up with. The adults looked at her in amusement. "What? You are! So just, can we go now?"

"Of course we can," Garcia said soothingly, reaching down to ruffle Jack's hair. "Where should we head first, cupcake? You two decide." Hotch subtly sidled closer to his son, leaned over, and fixed his hair as JJ and Jack glanced at each other, smiles dropping.

Then all hell broke loose.

"Tigers!"

"Penguins!"

"_Tigers!_"

"_PENGUINS!_"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO NO NO NO!"

"YES YES YES YES!"

"NO! NO NO NO!"

" YES YES YES!"

"NO NO NO NO N-"

"_ENOUGH!_" Reid shouted loudly, over the screaming. Everyone stopped immediately and turned to stare at him in shock, jaws wide open. Reid turned pink and cleared his throat, awkwardness returning. "Ahem. Uh, thank you for, you know, being quiet. And for listening. Maybe you could work things out in a nicer way?"

"Like what?" Jack challenged, arms folded. JJ mimicked him.

Hotch took over. "Choose something you both want to go see."

Jack grabbed JJ's arm and dragged her over to a spot a few feet away, making sure the other couldn't hear. "Look," he started, "we can't start fighting. That's what they want!"

"Huh?"

"In all the movies," Jack explained patiently, "the bad guys try to break up the good guys 'cause they know they're not as strong on their own, see?"

"I guess…"

"So we can't break up," he finished. "Get it?"

"Okay," JJ agreed reluctantly. "We won't break up then. So what should we do?"

Jack pursed his lips for a second, thinking. "I know! Let's think of something else. Something way cooler than tigers or penguins. And it has to be perfect for our plan."

"Snakes!" JJ shrieked suddenly, eyes lighting up. "Snakes are perfect!" Jack grinned at her, and they both excitedly ran back to the adults and Emily.

"Okay, we've decided," JJ announced. "Snakes."

"Snakes?" Emily repeated, wrinkling her nose. "Really?"

"Yeah," Jack said, linking arms with JJ. "You gotta problem with that?"

"No," she shot back. "Not if you don't."

"Stop fighting, you two." Hotch squeezed Jack's shoulder. "Jack, JJ,that was a very mature way to work things out," he praised. "Good job, buddy."

Jack pulled away, his eye on his bag of candy- _Emily's _bag of candy- that she had refused to open, knowing that she would have to share if she did. "We didn't be mature for you," he informed his father icily, remembering the way the candy was taken away.

"Yeah," JJ said, glaring at everyone one by one. "We did it for us. So you wouldn't break us up."

"We are not breaking up," Jack said firmly, pointing to his arm which was linked with JJ's. "We are never, ever gonna break up."

There was a beat of silence.

And then Morgan, Rossi, Emily and Garcia exploded with laughter.

"Not breaking up!" Rossi hooted. "So you little lovebirds are going out!"

"Jack a-and…J-Jack and JJ…" Emily gasped out through her giggles, "…sitting in a tree!"

"Have you kissed yet?" Morgan asked teasingly. "Did you at least take her on a date first, Jack-Jack?"

"No!" JJ yelled, her face crimson. She and Jack wrenched their arms away from each other simultaneously. "We're just friends!"

"Just friends, okay," Garcia repeated, wiping away her tears. "Guys, leave the cutie pies alone- they're _just friends_." She winked knowingly at the two kids, who turned even redder.

"Well…well…Daddy and Uncle Spencer danced together!" Jack spluttered. "And you all did the _chicken dance_!"

He waited for the teasing and tormenting to begin.

"Yeah, Hotch." Morgan was the first to speak up, and Jack perked up. "Those were some amazing moves you got goin' there," he continued, looking slightly awestruck. "I mean, the moonwalk? Who would have thought you could do it?"

"Uggghhhh!" JJ groaned, stomping away, frustrated that there was not going to be any mocking. "You are so annoying!"

"You're right, Jayje," Morgan replied, face straight. "We are so much more annoying than Jack, huh?"

"Yes you are!" she yelled, flushing when they dissolved in laughter again. "Ugghh! Come on, Jack. Activate phase 1."

"Activate phase 1," Emily mimicked in a high, squeaky voice. "What is that, code for 'I love you'?"

"Uh, guys?" Reid interrupted the mocking. He was watching Jack and JJ storming off ahead of them, looking worried. "I think maybe you should lay off of them. They seem a little dangerous."

"Just follow, and keep a close eye on them," Hotch said wearily, striding after them. "Jack! Slow down, please. JJ, 'slow down' doesn't mean run faster."

Morgan hung back a few paces to get back in step with the others. "So," he started seriously, "Have they somehow transitioned to teenagers, or the terrible twos?"

XXX

Jack stole a look behind him and checked that no-one was looking at them, before turning to JJ. "They thought we were going out!"

"I know!" JJ was outraged. "We have to get them back. We _have _to. Especially Em'ly. 'Cause she took our candy!"

"Let's embarrass them," Jack suggested, eyes gleaming. "They embarrassed us, so we embarrass them. That's fair right?"

JJ shook her head dubiously. "No. They don't get embarrassed so easily anymore. They just did the whole chicken dance in front of everybody! And nobody even teased them!"

"That's 'cause they're ganging up on us," he replied grimly. "Let's just stick with our plan and then we can scare them and video it, okay?"

"And we can show Strauss!" JJ exclaimed.

"Yeah!" A pause. "Who's Strose?"

"_Strauss _is your Daddy's boss," JJ explained. "And she's mean and no-one likes her."

Jack nodded, not questioning how JJ knew that when he didn't. He was far more occupied with getting revenge on the others. His small ego was damaged and he was not going to stop until he had gotten even!

"So who're we getting revenge on, 'zactly?" JJ asked, ticking off on her fingers. "Em'ly for sure, 'cause she stole our candy. And Rossi and Hotch for making me sit in the car seat."

"Daddy," Jack agreed. "Also he gets revenge from us for telling us to be nice and give Emily our candy."

"And…who else?" JJ asked. "Not Reid so much. Or Rossi that much either. But everyone else definitely."

"Yeah, because they were teasing us about being married and giving Emily all the attention!"

JJ met his eyes suddenly. "It's not because we're jealous of the attention or anything," she said firmly. "Right?"

"No way," Jack agreed. "We're not _jealous _of her. It's just because, _because _of the attention, she got the candy. That's all."

"Yeah, that's all," JJ echoed.

The two of them lapsed into silence, each keeping an eye out for the signs. "Those're the rhinos," JJ whispered suddenly. "The reptile house is near there, I think."

"You sure?"

"I _think_."

Hotch, Morgan, Rossi, Reid and Garcia were still fussing over Emily, and she was basking in the attention, sitting on Rossi's shoulders and allowing the others to hand her treats every now and then. Jack scowled as he made his way over to them.

"Daddy!"

"Hey, buddy, don't walk any further away from us than this, okay?" Hotch told him, grabbing his hand. He glanced at JJ, who was a couple of metres ahead of them. "And stay with JJ."

Jack wriggled out of Hotch's grasp, still very much annoyed. "Me and JJ have to go to the bathroom." JJ ran up to stand next to him, and nodded in support.

"I see…" Hotch was starting to look doubtful. "Both of you?"

"Yes. Badly." JJ looked hurt. "And we came here to ask for permission from you because you told us to be good." She and Jack smirked as Hotch fell for it hook, line and sinker.

"Bathroom break!" he called, and the others came trooping back to join them.

"Do you have to go too?" Rossi asked Emily, continuing when she shook her head. "Guess it's just you two then." Morgan shook his head, and Rossi amended, "I mean, you two and Morgan."

Jack and JJ exchanged glances. Time to set their plan in motion. Both immediately screwed up their faces into jealous scowls, and Jack tugged on Rossi's coat.

"I want to sit on your shoulders," he said coldly. "So tell _her _to get off." After a moment, he added, "And also, I want Uncle Dave to come to the bathroom with me."

The adults swapped knowing looks over the top of his head. '_Aw, they're jealous_', their smirks clearly said.

"Okay, Jack, I'll come with you," Rossi said gently. "Okay, Emily?"

She was looking very, very suspicious, but nodded anyway. "Fine, whatever. I'll just stay here with Hotch, I guess."

"No!" Jack said instantly, crossing his arms over his chest. "He's _my _daddy, and you can't have him!" Okay, maybe he was over-doing the jealousy act. So he was a _little _real-jealous, so what?

Hotch sighed, and bent down to Jack's level. "No-one is stealing me, Jack."

"Yes, they are!" Jack sniffled, burying his head in Hotch's chest. "Emily's stealing you and Uncle Spencer and Uncle Dave and everyone!"

"Okay, okay," Hotch soothed, smoothing back his son's hair. Both Jack and JJ started to feel a little guilty, but quickly pushed it down. "I'll come with you, alright? And so will Uncle Spencer and Uncle Dave."

"Really?" Jack asked, his eyes shining.

"Then who do I get?" JJ whined pitifully. Garcia rushed over to her and scooped her up in a bone-crushing hug.

"Moi, my little buttercup!" She set JJ down and, grabbing Emily's hand, dragged both girls off to the bathroom. "On to the land of stink and queues!"

When they reached the bathrooms, they were pleased to see that there were few lines for the stalls. Reid wrinkled his nose, and Jack instantly jumped on it.

"Kinda smelly, right Uncle Spencer?" he asked casually.

"I think I'll stay outside," Reid replied, glad that the small boy understood. "You don't need all of us, do you Jack?"

JJ chose that moment to shove Garcia and Emily into the ladies' room, just in time for them to miss Jack putting on a heartbroken face, and Reid hastily taking back his worries about the smell and following Jack, Rossi, Morgan and Hotch into the mens'.

Garcia didn't find it the least bit suspicious when JJ popped in and out of the stall in under twenty seconds, and then announced that she would wait outside with Reid while Garcia and Emily used the bathroom 'just in case'.

"We don't want to have to keep stopping later, right?" she insisted, physically pushing Garcia into one stall, and Emily into the neighbouring one. "I'll just be right outside with Reid. And maybe we'll go get started at the reptile house, so you'll find us there."

Once she was positive that they were staying inside, JJ walked out of the bathroom and slowly opened the door to the mens' with one arm, squeezing her eyes shut, and making sure that she stayed outside the bathroom.

"Jack!" she yelled. "Are you done?"

"Yeah!" came the hollered reply. "Uncle Dave and Uncle Spencer and Uncle Morgan and Daddy are in the stalls right now, just in case, so we don't have to keep stopping later."

JJ grinned. "Me and Garcia and Emily are going to go get cotton candy and then we're going to start at the reptile house 'cause you guys are being too slow! Bye!"

"No, wait!" JJ let the door close as she heard Jack informing Hotch that he was going to the reptile house with Garcia. He met her outside the door a few seconds later.

"Perfect!" he exclaimed, beaming at JJ. "Now let's go!"

XXX

"Oi! You ain't supposed to be in here! Who are you kids?" The fat, balding man glared rudely, sneering down at Jack and JJ from his perch on the table, a half-eaten doughnut halfway up to his mouth.

JJ turned up her nose at him, sniffing unappreciatively. "Who're _you_?"

"Rob Jones, kid," he spat out, folding his arms. "Not like it's any of your business. Who're you and what're you doin' back here?"

"I," JJ replied coolly, "happen to be Elizabeth Louise Victoria Charleston." She paused. "The third. And this is my brother…" she gestured to Jack, trailing off.

"William George Thomas Cuthbert the fifty-sixth, at your service," Jack introduced pompously, bowing imperiously.

Rob Jones raised an eyebrow unbelievingly. "Brother and sister eh?"

"That is correct," JJ answered, daring him to challenge them.

He did anyway. "So why've you got two different last names then?"

A beat.

Then JJ cleared her throat. "And this is my brother…"

"William George Thomas Cuthbert _Charleston_," Jack said again, eyeing Rob. "The fifty-sixth."

"Yeah, whatever." Rob waved him away. "Scram. This area's 'Staff Only', see? There, on the door?" He pointed vaguely at the entrance of the room. "Go on, get away. Before I call in the manager."

He was met with a very unimpressed look from JJ. She pushed past him, and seated herself on a stool in the corner. "William!"

"Yes, sister dear?" Jack was immediately at her side.

"Tell Daddy I want Rob Jones fired."

"F-fired?" Rob Jones stuttered out, rushing to her side. "What the hell you playin' at? Get out!"

Jack sighed sadly. "What a shame. I was starting to like you."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" Rob Jones was starting to worry, despite himself. "Who's your dad, kid?"

"Our Daddy," Jack informed him icily, "is Darren Newick, maiden name Charleston, manager and_ owner_ of this zoo."

JJ nodded. "That is correct."

"That's a load of bull!" But, in spite of his tough exterior, Rob Jones was beginning to sweat. Little beads made their way down his forehead.

"_That_," JJ replied, "is incorrect."

"Look." Jack put on his adult-to-adult voice. Or, as Hotch liked to call it, his 'I'm about to threaten you, and if that doesn't work, bribe you' voice. "A young girl was attacked by a man called Franklin Peyson, a park employee, a couple hours ago. He was arrested and taken away by the police. And they made it classified information."

"Now how on earth could we know that?" JJ asked innocently. Big sweat patches were starting to drip down Rob Jones' arms.

"Look," he started nervously. "Look. I don't know what you kids want, but I'm just sat here doin' my job and guarding the snakes, see? Now you go tell your daddy that. Tell him I was just sittin' here, minding my own business, when you two rascals came in and scared me, and I was a little rude, that's all. Alright?"

JJ glared at him for a few seconds before dropping her gaze. "Alright!" she chirped brightly. "We were just here for you anyway. We have a special message just for you from Daddy!"

"Okay, okay, tell me," Rob Jones said encouragingly, offering his half-eaten doughnut to her. "You want a bite, Lizzie?"

"Don't call me Lizzie!" JJ snarled suddenly, and he took a step back, hand dropping pitifully to his side. "It's _Elizabeth. _Elizabeth Louise Victoria Charleston the-"

"The third- yeah, yeah, I got it." Rob Jones cut her off in annoyance. "Just give me the message, would you?"

"Fine." Jack, a.k.a. William, gave a dramatic sigh. "Daddy said to tell you that since Frank was taken away by the police, they need you to take his place and tell people about the shows going on today. That's it."

Rob Jones rolled his eyes but scurried out of the room with a quick "Don't touch my food!", slamming the door shut as he left. Jack turned to JJ excitedly.

"Did you get it?"

JJ grinned proudly and held up a set of keys. "Yup."

Carefully, she unhooked a particular key from the ring, and they both approached the locked door at the end of the room. "Here, William," JJ whispered, crossing her fingers.

Jack took the key from her outstretched hand. "Thanks, Elizabeth. Cross your toes." JJ did so, and they both hobbled on their heels to the door.

Jack stuck the key into the lock, and they both let out breaths they hadn't realized they'd been holding when it turned with a smooth _click!_

A smile making its way onto her face, JJ pushed open the heavy wooden door to reveal rows of identical, but different-sized snake pens. Through the glass on one side of each pen, visitors with cameras could be seen posing wildly.

"Hello, revenge!" Jack crowed, waving wildly at the snakes.

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**A/N: Thank you so much for all the compliments last time! They made me feel special =D And, well…it's not ending **_**now **_**now. But it is ending in the next three-four chapters. I have it planned out (of course, since I tend to go waaaaay off plan, it may end up being drastically shorter/longer). BTW: Yes, I know this isn't realistic. Neither is two FBI agents being turned into kids.**

**Also, I will update the Art of Manipulation in the next week or so, so stay tuned for that.**

**~Maddie**


	27. Chapter 27

**An author on here called clairemoi is writing a Castle version of this fic called The Curious Case. And since a lot of you watch Castle, I thought I'd tell you about it since if you like this fic you might like that one too. Half of her first chapter's copied pretty much word for word but after that it's completely different. I honestly think she's a fantastic writer, better than me since she actually keeps the characters reasonably in character.**

**~Maddie**

**XXX**

"Okay, Em-Em, you done?" Garcia asked cheerfully, scrubbing her hands with soap.

Emily shot her a glare. "I was done _ages _ago. You're the one who's spent like twelve hours in here."

Garcia was unperturbed. "Beauty comes at a price, honeybun. This gorgeous face needs touching up once in a while."

"Well are you done _now_?" Emily whined, staring longingly at the door. "Reid and JJ are probably done at the reptile house by now. And the others are gonna be all pissed outside 'cause we took so long."

Garcia puckered her lips in the mirror and examined them critically. Finally, she smacked her lips together and grinned. "Yup, finito. Let's scram."

Emily all but ran out the door- but once outside, she stopped dead. Nobody was there. "Um, Garcia…?"

"What is it? Are you okay?" An over-panicked Garcia rushed out of the bathroom, stopping in confusion when she reached Emily. "Where is everyone?"

"They must have gone on, I guess." Emily scowled. "See! It's 'cause you took so long! They got tired of waiting for us!"

"It's not a big deal, babycakes," Garcia said reassuringly. "We'll just go find them, okay?"

They started walking towards the reptile house, Emily not objecting when Garcia reached down and grabbed her hand- "just in case"- although she was still fuming at being left behind.

"What if we don't find them?" Emily asked anxiously after about five minutes. "What if they're done? Or what if they went to get some candy and they don't know where-"

"Em, I do have a phone," Garcia reminded her, amused. "Don't worry your little head about it."

"Can you call them? Call them quick! Tell them to wait for us!"

Sighing in exaggerated exasperation, Garcia made a big show of finding her cell phone. "Let's see… who should I call? My love, the boss, italiano or Einstein-squared?"

"I don't know- just pick anyone!"

"Okay, okay… let's call my love. 'M'… " Garcia recited the alphabet as she scrolled through her list of contacts. "…E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L… here we go! Okay, it's ringing."

As Garcia waited for Morgan to pick up, Emily squinted, trying to see ahead. Was that…? She ran forward suddenly, dragging Garcia with her. "They're there! I see them! Come on! Come _on_!" She sprinted to the entrance of the reptile house, pushing roughly past people and earning glares from several people she bumped into. "Rossi! Morgan, wait up!"

Morgan turned immediately. "Oh, hey midget, there you are. Did you run off and leave Garcia?"

"Yeah." Emily nodded proudly. "But she's not far."

Morgan looked up when Garcia arrived, panting and out of breath. "That– was– not– cool!" she gasped out, clutching her chest. "Don't you ever run off like that again, you little monkey! You scared the bejeesus out of me! I couldn't-"

"Garcia, where's Jack?" Hotch cut her off sharply, not seeing his son anywhere around.

"Yeah, where's Jack?" Morgan asked. "And JJ! Where are Jack and JJ?"

"I don't know about Jack, but JJ's with…" Garcia's brow furrowed as she noticed Reid, and she turned accusingly to him. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be with her!"

"Me?" he spluttered. "When did _I _say I would have her?"

"JJ left the bathroom and told me she was going to the reptile house with you," Garcia explained suspiciously. "You weren't waiting outside?"

"No!" Reid shook his head vehemently. "I was in the stalls!"

Hotch's eyes narrowed, his mind already piecing together the information. "_Jack _left early too, and shouted that he was going to be with you guys…"

"You do know what this means?" Rossi asked resignedly. "Those two are cooking up some plan."

"Shit, we're so screwed if we don't find them!" Morgan rubbed his forehead wearily. "They're going to be the death of us…"

"More importantly," Hotch added grimly, "There are two defenceless kids roaming a very unsafe zoo."

Morgan bent down so he was level with Emily, who had been silent throughout the interchange. "Do you remember them saying anything or mentioning anything about their plan?"

"Wait, are you a _part_ of it?" Rossi asked her suspiciously, thinking along the same lines as Morgan, although he was less subtle.

"If you know something, Emily, tell us now," Hotch told her more gently.

She shook her head. "I don't know anything."

"Come on, think back!" Morgan ordered, his hands on her shoulders. "You must have overheard something."

"I didn't hear anything!" She folded her arms, taking a step back and wriggling out of his grasp. "I'd tell you if I had."

"Emily, it's dangerous for them to be alone in the zoo like this," Hotch repeated. "You have to tell us if you know where they are."

"I _don't_!" Emily snapped, taking another step back and bumping into Garcia. Why wouldn't they believe her? She had _no _idea what they were planning.

"You might have overheard something, or planned something with them and thought it was funny without considering the dangers," Hotch persisted. "If you know anything-"

"I don't!"

"But-"

"I already told you I don't!"

Morgan sighed. "You _better _not have had something to do with this," he threatened before standing up. "If we find out you did…"

"I told you I _don't know_," she growled, hurt lacing her voice. "Why are you all getting mad at me?"

"Lay off her," Garcia ordered sharply, pulling Emily back, serious for once. "You're all being unfair and mean knuckleheads to a poor little thing half your size. If you can't believe her, that's your problem, but don't take out your frustration on her or I will mess up your bank accounts so bad, your great-grandchildren will be paying off your debts."

Immediately, they all looked guilty.

"Sorry, Em," Morgan mumbled, shamefaced. Hotch and Rossi echoed his sentiments, while Reid stood there looking smug.

"_I _believed her the whole time."

"Shut up, Reid!" echoed three times.

After quick deliberations, they decided that the best course of action would be to make their way into the reptile house, since Jack and JJ obviously wanted them there, and take it from there.

"It's kind of empty isn't it?" Emily remarked as they all trooped in. The reptile house was one very long, twisting corridor- visitors entered from one side, and exited from another."It's just us." They had seen people leaving as they entered, and a few had entered before them, but those people had been moving quickly and were far ahead now.

"The reptile house isn't the most popular part of the zoo, I guess," Rossi said. "Or maybe everyone else is eating or watching a show or something."

Once they were inside, they stood around awkwardly in a big group in the centre of the room. "So what's our plan?" Hotch asked, after a minute of uncomfortable, nervous silence. He couldn't help but notice that every few seconds, one of the team would glance anxiously above them, as if expecting something to fall on their heads from the roof.

Hotch thought this was ridiculous behaviour. As if either of them could stick something to the ceiling! No, the place to keep an eye on was the floor- personally, he was anticipating the arrival of a lawnmower or some other violent weapon of destruction any second now.

"I say just wait it out," Rossi suggested in answer to Hotch's question. "They're four and seven- what's the worse they could come up with?"

Reid shook his head- he was the only one who didn't snort, and was kind enough to provide an explanation of why they were all in imminent mortal danger. "They're four and seven, which means they can't think through the consequences of their actions, and they're impulsive. Add to that adult knowledge and FBI training…"

"And you've got a disaster waiting to happen," Morgan finished for him.

XXX

"Are they in?" Jack whispered.

"They're in."

"Did you lock the doors as they came in?" he demanded.

"Yep."

"And the exits?"

"Yeah, I had to wait for some people to leave first, but it's all done."

"Good." Jack was staring at the cages. "Some of these snakes are huge!" He pointed to a green and brown boa constrictor, grinning evilly at JJ. "I bet that one could wrap around you five times!"

She looked anxiously at the snake before glaring at him. "Well, if it could wrap around me five times, it could wrap around you four times, so ha!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Jack brushed her off with a scoff, but he kept an eye on the boa constrictor out of the corner of his eye all the same. "Did you get the camera?"

"Check," JJ answered proudly, holding up a small silver one.

"Really?" Jack perked up. "Where did you get it?" He hadn't seriously expected her to have found a camera- their plan had been to bribe-or-blackmail Garcia into hacking the reptile house security cameras. A real camera was way better- now they could even get close-ups of the dread-filled screeches!

"From somewhere," she replied coolly. "I have hidden powers, you know."

"No you don't. You can't have powers if I don't." He took the camera from her outstretched hand and examined it. "Is this that doughnut guy's?" When she shook her head, he continued. "So whose is it? Did you find it in the room?" JJ shook her head again, and Jack smirked slightly. "What'd you do? Steal it?" After a second, his jaw dropped. "_No_. You didn't!"

"I didn't _steal_ it!" JJ flushed at the accusation. How dare he? It wasn't stealing. "I borrowed it. From a guy who looked like a tourist. And I was super nice 'cause I left a note in the camera bag telling him where to pick it up and everything." When she thought about it, it really _was _exactly like borrowing. The guy didn't know, but that was okay because they were going to give it back.

Jack didn't look convinced. "What if he doesn't see the note?"

"He will." JJ was sure. "It's big and I wrote it in marker. He'll see it. It's just like borrowing then."

"Yeah, I guess if you told him where to pick it up then it's fine." Jack turned to the controls board in the snake room and started examining the buttons, tongue sticking out as he read the names. "OP-1… BOA-4… FEED-ALL… TOP- 1,2&3…"

"These don't make any sense!" JJ complained, craning to read over his arm.

Jack didn't answer. "So how exactly do we open these cages?" he asked distractedly, staring at the controls in confusion.

She shrugged. "How should I know? I just asked that!"

"Well I don't know either!"

JJ took this as her invitation to reach forward, but he grabbed her arm just in time, looking horrified. "What are you doing?"

"What?" she asked, shaking him off. "You want to open the cages, don't you?"

"What if some of the buttons make the cages open _inwards_?" He shuddered. "Then _we _would become snake bait." He pursed his lips for a second, thinking, and then brightened suddenly. "I got it! I'm a genius. What we'll do is," he started excitedly, "we'll just press all the buttons, and then, if some of the cages open inwards, we'll lock the door and hide in that room. It's not like snakes can move that fast anyway."

"But what if some of the buttons close the cages and some of them open them?"

Jack shrugged. "I guess if we press enough buttons, some cages will close again. But at least a couple should stay open right?"

JJ though about it for a second. It seemed like a safe enough plan. "Okay," she agreed. "On three?"

"One…"

"Two…"

"Three!"

XXX

_Whooooshh…._

"What was that?" Morgan asked sharply. "Did you guys hear that?"

"No, I didn't hear anything…" Reid mumbled, in the middle of reading an information sign. "Hey, I didn't know this!"

"_You _didn't know?" Rossi chuckled, calmly strolling over to read the sign "Wow, this zoo really is special."

"Shut up, people," Morgan ordered. "I heard a noise."

"I don't hear anything," Reid objected.

"Well, if you don't shut up, you won't!"

_Whoooosh…_

"See?" Morgan asked. "Did you hear that? It just-"

_Whoooosh…_

Emily paled. "I heard it that time. Put me on your shoulders. Now."

He swiftly did as she said, gripping her knees tightly. "At least I got a helmet now." Okay, it was a lame attempt at a joke, but he was trying to ease the sudden tension in the room. After a few moments, he relaxed. "I think that was it for-"

_Whoooosh…_

They all simultaneously stood stock-still, unmoving. "It sounds like…" Reid's brow furrowed. "Almost like… like glass elevator doors opening, or something swinging very fast…"

"Shit." Five pairs of eyes turned to Hotch in disbelief. He waved them off. "Not now. I think I know what they're going to do- what they've _done_." He strode off further into the reptile house.

"Dude, not cool!" Morgan complained as they all scurried after the unit chief. "At least tell us!"

Hotch was approaching each enclosure and rapping it with his knuckles sharply. "These are made of glass."

"Yes, and?" Rossi asked. Reid's face had turned ashen at the mention of the word 'glass'. After a small gulp, he joined Hotch, going from one window to the next and knocking it quickly before moving on.

"And," Hotch continued distractedly, still carefully tapping each pane of glass along the corridor. "I think we may need to check that all of these windows are still there."

Everyone except Reid looked at him in confusion for a split second.

Then all hell broke loose.

"What?" Garcia shrieked, running to hide behind Morgan as Rossi ran to join Hotch and Reid. "You think they've let out _snakes_?"

"Dammit, no, I don't do snakes!" Morgan backed away in horror. "Snakes and I do not get along, shit, no, damn them, damn snakes, nope, not happening…"

"We're all gonna die!" Emily whimpered, clinging onto his ears. "We're all gonna die and I'm gonna die because my best friend killed me…"

"I thought I was your best friend," Garcia muttered, snakes momentarily forgotten.

"My best friend's gonna kill me and my other best friend…" Emily amended, her voice pitifully sorrowful.

"Yes, she is," Garcia agreed cheerfully. Her expression froze as reality hit her. "Ohmigod! Oh God, no, JJ is going to kill us! No, sunshine, you can't do this to us! Just, remember the good times? Remember the coffee and the clubs and the disastrous dates? You can't throw all that away! I'm too good to be poisoned by a snake, Jayje, I'm too-"

"We're ALL too good, Jayje!" Emily joined in. "Please, JJ, don't kill us."

"Are you three going to stand there screaming or help?" Rossi barked, gesturing towards the glass windows in annoyance.

"We're helping, we're helping!" Morgan all but ran next to Rossi. "Man, aren't you a little worried?"

"Definitely," Rossi answered honestly. "But I have a feeling they're getting a kick out of this and I'm not giving them any satisfaction if I can help it."

"This one doesn't have glass!" Hotch called suddenly, as his hand fell through the place where a window should have been. "It's quite hard to tell, so make sure you check every one."

"What type of snake is it?" Garcia asked, trembling, her hands clinging onto Morgan's shirt.

"A… a grass snake," Hotch told her, breathing a sigh of relief. "The information on the placard says it's harmless." His stern look to Garcia, Morgan and Emily gave them the message loud and clear: So don't throw a fit if you see it.

"Phew." Emily breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that's okay then."

"Uh , no, it's not. Got another one right in front of you." Morgan had his hand in an enclosure, and was reading the information on the sign with a steadily-increasing look of horror on his face. "This one's an Australian Eastern Brown Snake…"

"That doesn't sound too bad." Rossi tried to be optimistic.

Emily's knuckles were turning whiter and whiter as she craned her neck and skimmed the information that Morgan had slowly started to read out loud. "The Australian Brown Snake can kill a person with just a small fraction- specifically 1/14,000 of an ounce- of its venom. They are highly… damn… highly aggressive, fast-moving and will sometimes chase an attacker, repeatedly striking at it…"

"And another one empty here," Hotch said grimly as Reid and Rossi moved closer to the group. "Inland Taipan, Australia. Native to the arid regions of central Australia… Can be found north of Lake Eyre…" His eyebrows rose. "One bite has enough venom to kill about a hundred people… 750 times as much venom as a common cobra… not known to be aggressive, although they will strike if provoked." He met Rossi's eyes. Both had the same 'We're screwed' expression.

"They're… not aggressive, at least," Garcia said, biting her lip. "So there's that."

"I got two here!" Reid shouted, motioning to them to come over. "One had two small harmless snakes. And one had a Tiger Snake."

"Do I even wanna know?" Morgan asked.

Reid began rattling off the information on the sign. "It's all commonly known facts: originates in Australia… paralysis or death can occur within 30 minutes, although it's usually after 6-24 hours… anti-venom is available… the snake usually flees unless cornered. Nothing new."

"Australia, why do you hate us?" Morgan moaned, banging his head on the wall. Emily lurched forward and braced herself just in time.

"Hey!"

Morgan ignored her. "Why, Australia, why do you have to ruin our lives?"

"Okay, so what do we have?" Hotch began ticking the snakes off on his fingers. "Three harmless snakes. One tiger snake, but it won't attack unless we corner it. One Taipan, same thing, won't attack unless it feels threatened. And… the Australian Brown snake. Which will."

"Add black mamba to your list," Rossi added, causing a gasp to go around the room. _This _snake, they all knew. "It's aggressive, violent, known to attack without provocation… venomous… Jesus. Well, at least- at least it's the next-to-last enclosure."

Hotch quickly glanced at the last enclosure, next to the exit door. His panicked expression faded when his knuckles tapped glass. "Just be glad the cobra's in its enclosure," he said grimly. "Otherwise we'd really be in for it."

"Actually, Taipans are more venomous," Reid told him nervously. "By quite a- quite a bit. And black mambas are more aggressive."

"Shh!" Rossi ordered suddenly. "Do you hear anything?"

They all froze, for what felt like the billionth time that day.

_Hissssss…. _

_Hissssss…._

"It's coming, one's coming, I can see it!" Emily squealed, burying her head in her hands.

"Where?" Garcia demanded, immediately rushing back to her hiding spot behind Morgan. "Where? I don't see it! How far is it? Is it coming?"

"It's there!" Emily pointed.

"It's the brown one! The Australian Eastern Brown." Hotch immediately identified it. "The one that can get aggressive."

Morgan, who was being pushed forward as Garcia, Reid and Rossi all tried to not-so-subtly get behind the group, was attempting desperately to get back behind them all. "No, uh-uh, I'm not going first!"

_Hissssss…._

"Shit, it's coming closer!" he yelped, and they all crowded backwards.

_Hissssss…._

"Another one?" Hotch paled. "It's the mamba."

"It's _huge_," Emily whispered, her teeth knawing at her fingernails. "It's the biggest snake I've ever seen!"

"Shoo! Go away, snakes! Nothing to eat here!"

"Maybe if we just stop moving, they'll- Ow, Hotch, you're pushing me into the door handle!"

"Sorry, I- there's a door handle?"

"The door to exit! It's the door to exit! Why didn't we think of that earlier?"

"Forget about that, just get to the exit! Get out!"

"Open the door! Get out!"

"Hurry up! Twist the handle; it's not that hard!"

"Come on, just open the damn door- these things aren't getting any further away!"

"I'm _trying_! It's not opening!"

"Why not? Here, just-"

"It won't open!"

"This thing is giving me-"

"It's _locked_!"

"Those little devils."

"They _locked _us in here? With a _mamba_?"

"Ah, they're coming closer!"

"Oh my God, we're all gonna die!"

"They _locked us _in a_ room _with a_ mamba_?"

"Get over it!"

"Why should I get over it?"

"Because you need to make your freaking death wish!"

"They're coming closer!"

"Stop screaming; maybe we're scaring them!"

"I can't believe they _locked_ the _door_!"

"I'm too young to die…"

"Ah, it's staring at us! What's that mean?"

"They trapped us with a _mamba_…"

"One of 'em's kinda getting up…"

"Oh no, it's one of those strike positions!"

"They're going to attack us!"

"We're all gonna die!"

"_You're _not gonna die; you're at the back!"

"You're right, I'll miss you."

"Ah, it just- I felt that one go over my boot!"

"Where is it?"

"It's crawling to the back!"

"Have fun."

"No! Ah! Not fair!"

"Oh God, we're surrounded…"

"The other one's getting up now!"

"Are these things trained or what?"

"Sit! Lie down! Play dead! There's a good snakey…"

"You just made it worse, it's-"

"Shit shit shit shit shit…"

"That's not good."

"No shit."

"They're both going to strike any second…"

"I'll miss you all…"

"Oh no, Oh God, no no no no no…"

"Shit shit shit shit…"

"I don't wanna die!"

"Please go away, please go away, please please please don't come any closer!"

"Oh God, it's looking at Hotch now…"

"The other one's coming to this side…"

"I swear these things must be trained! Sit, you stupid excuse of a snake!"

"Hotch is gonna die!"

"We'll take care of Jack, don't worry Hotch."

"No we won't take care of Jack! This is Jack's fault!"

"JJ will take care of Jack! Ha! JJ will have to because- oh no, it's doing that strike thing now…"

"No! Hotch, move out the way!"

"Hotch!"

"AAAARGGH! It _bit _me!"

"Oh my God it bit Hotch!"

"Hotch is gonna die!"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"_NOBODY_. _MOVE."_

"What was that?" A bright light shone where the exit door had been. Rossi squinted through the light.

"The park keeper!" Morgan was beside himself- they were saved!

"No, my name's Rob Jones," the man said calmly. "You all need to step away from those snakes."

"Excuse me?" Rossi spluttered. "Those snakes need to back away from _us_!"

"We need help," Morgan told him. "We have a man here who's been bitten by that one, the brown Australian one and-"

"Don't worry," Rob said dismissively, waving his hand. "They've all had their venom removed. Right when they first came. What d'you think we're running here? All you'll need is a bandage, so don't mess up your heads over it."

"They've had their venom removed?" Reid echoed weakly.

"I feel dizzy," Emily said feebly. "Is it possible that I'm alive if I had a heart attack?"

"What happened exactly?" Hotch asked Rob, nursing his arm where the snake had bit him.

"See, Elizabeth and William- those're the manager's kids," he explained, "they came to me a while ago- maybe half an hour. And they said the manager was calling me, so I left. Didn't neglect my duties, so don't be thinking that- I was being called. Turns out I couldn't find the manager so I come back here and I see the two of 'em, and they explain that they had a little bit of a mistake where they accidentally pressed a few of the buttons. I gave 'em a good scolding, trust me, and then we came in here to sort you out."

"I see." Hotch's voice was hard as rock, and Rob's giant frame shrank instantly under his tone. "And where are William and Elizabeth now?"

"Hey guys!" Jack bounded in right on cue, closely followed by JJ, who was laughing hysterically. Immediately, the adults and Emily turned to glare at them.

"You can leave now," Rossi told Rob Jones coldly. The other man nodded and bolted immediately.

"That—was—so—funny!" JJ erupted into fits of giggles, clutching her tummy. Jack had his hand on her shoulder for support, he was laughing so hard. "You guys—got—so—scared!"

"Ah!" Jack mocked them in a high-pitched, girly voice. "Save me! Save me!"

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Emily exploded. "Hotch got _bitten_!"

"So?" JJ asked, still laughing. "It's not like they were poisonous!"

"First we were nervous," Jack managed to choke out through his laughter. "'Cause we were wondering how far to let the snakes go before we stopped them. And then Rob came and told us that the snakes weren't poisonous so then we just sat there and watched you! It was so fun! He thought it was funny too."

"You didn't know the venom was removed?" Reid asked sharply.

"You didn't, did you?" Hotch demanded when neither answered, folding his arms.

"We were gonna stop them though!" Jack defended, feeling nervous all of a sudden.

"And how exactly were you planning on doing that?" When Jack didn't answer, he turned to JJ. "JJ? Any ideas?

"We- we just-" she stammered, trying to think of an answer. What _were _they going to do? "We didn't think it would get that far! It was just a joke."

"Yeah," Jack echoed. "It was just a joke. And nobody got hurt."

"Hotch, how's your cut?" Morgan asked him suddenly, giving JJ and Jack a look that made them want to flee immediately. "That looks a bit deep," he said when Hotch showed him. "You should probably go get it bandaged."

Hotch noded. "I think," he started in a deadly voice, "that I am going to go to the medical aid office. And you two," he grabbed Jack with one hand and JJ with the other, "are coming with me."

"I'm coming too," Morgan said grimly.

"Me too," Emily added.

**XXX**

**R&R! Love you all! And I hope I didn't supremely piss you all off with the AN chapter 3 days ago. **


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything, CM or characters**

**Can't win with you people! First you want Emily hc, then you want a funny chapter, then you want JJ hc… haha kidding. I like knowing what you all want to read next. So, as you asked for it, here is a JJ h/c chapter. Keep those ridiculously detailed, essay-like PMs coming!**

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"Wasn't that funny Em'ly?" JJ asked, trying to win the older girl over to her side.

Emily didn't respond, and instead continued to stalk after Hotch and Morgan, still looking furious. They were going to the zoo's medical centre, while Rossi, Reid and Garcia helped Rob Jones put the snakes back before the park manager caught wind of it.

"Emily, stop walking so fast!" Jack grabbed her arm. "Why are you all being so annoying? It was just a joke!"

"Yeah…" JJ said, crossing her arms. "Everyone's being a stick-in-the-mud."

Emily stopped suddenly, and Jack grinned. "See? I knew you'd see it our way."

"No, she hasn't seen it your way," Hotch interrupted their conversation, turning around. "She stopped because this is the medical aid office." Jack winced at his father's tone.

If he doubted it before, he knew it now: he was in _big_ trouble, with a capital T.

"Both of you, get inside," Hotch ordered, pulling the door open. When neither of them followed Emily into the building, Morgan laid a hand on each shoulder and pushed them forward.

"Now is _not_ the time to not listen."

The nurse inside glanced up immediately as they entered, giving them all a quick once-over to check for injuries. Finding nothing that demanded an ambulance call, she relaxed and smiled at them. "Hello, how can I help you? Is anyone hurt?"

"Um, yes," Hotch answered. "I was- I fell. Cut my arm. I just need to get some antiseptic and then a bandage."

"Aw, you've brought a little support group with you," the nurse cooed, grinning at the three kids when she noticed their nervous expressions. "Don't you worry, Daddy will be as good as new once I fix him up."

Jack gave a weak smile.

The nurse motioned to them to follow her and led them into a slightly larger room with a bed, a sink, and two chairs. She made Hotch sit on the bed, while Emily and Morgan quickly grabbed the chairs. Then, reaching for Hotch's arm, she examined his wound, a frown making its way onto her face.

"What?" he asked distractedly.

"This is a bit deep. It's going to need stitches- not too many though, so don't worry." The nurse gave him a reassuring smile before taking a small jar from the cupboard across the room. Carefully, she opened it and spread a generous amount of the gel-like substance over his arm. "This is a numbing cream- it takes about five to ten minutes to work. You just sit tight and I'll call you to do the stitches in a little while, alright?"

"Uh, yes, sure," Hotch answered, unnerved by the way she was talking as if he was a child. "Thank you."

The second the door swung shut, Jack and JJ paled and tried to hide behind each other, glancing nervously at Hotch and Morgan's livid expressions.

"_Explain_," Hotch said icily, his eyes focused on his son, who shrunk back.

"I- It was just as joke!"

"So you said."

Jack gulped. "We didn't mean to hurt anybody!"

His father folded his arms. "No? And how exactly were you planning on putting the snakes back? Or stopping them from attacking us?" He transferred his glare to JJ. "Any ideas?"

She bristled. "Why is everybody taking it so seriously? It was just a-"

"It was a joke, yeah, we get it," Morgan cut in. "But it could have ended up with someone very badly hurt!"

"You didn't _think_." Hotch was pacing the room now, his temped flaring. "Neither of you, for one second, thought about the consequences of your actions! And what makes it worse is that you didn't know that their venom was removed! Do you two even understand what could have happened if they had venom?" He stopped in front of Jack. "You, young man, are grounded. For two weeks."

"But Daddy-"

"_Don't_ argue with me, or I'll make it three weeks." Hotch rubbed his temple, trying to ignore the stinging pain in his arm. "Two weeks. No TV, no computer, no video games, no play dates. And be glad that a grounding is all you're getting away with. I thought you knew better than this, Jack! No, you know what, I _know_ you know better than to do something like this! I can't believe how much you lied today- you manipulated the _entire team_. A whole team of people who love and care for you and you treated them like _pawns_ in your ridiculous plan for revenge! Do you think Uncle Spencer is very happy right now? Or Uncle Dave? _I'm_ not very happy right now, so I'm sure they aren't!"

What the _hell_ possessed them to do something like that? What possessed _Jack_ to do something like that?

"You're grounded for two weeks," he reiterated, glad to see his son looking guilty. "And," he continued, "if you _ever_ do anything like this again- I don't care if it was meant to be a joke!- then you are going to be grounded until you graduate college. You didn't _think_!"

Jack nodded slowly, biting his lip to keep the tears at bay. "Okay."

"I wasn't asking for your agreement." Hotch sighed, then bent down to his son's level. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Sorry, Daddy," Jack whispered tearily.

Hotch nodded in acknowledgement. "And what about Uncle Derek and Emily?"

"Sorry." Jack faced all three of them- Emily was starting to look a little smug. "It was just meant to be a joke and we didn't- we didn't mean for anyone to get hurt."

"JJ?" Hotch prompted, schooling his features back into anger when she shook her head.

"I'm not going to say sorry because it wasn't our fault!" She wasn't going to let him win- Emily was sitting there smirking and watching the whole thing!

Hotch squeezed his neck for a second and took a deep breath before replying through gritted teeth. "JJ, either you apologize now or-"

"Or what?" she challenged. "I'm not pol'gizing 'cause it wasn't our fault!"

"_How_ was it not your fault?"

JJ glared back at him, unwilling to admit defeat. Maybe it was their fault, a little bit. But Hotch had no right to yell at her like that! "It was our fault only a little bit. But the rest of it wasn't our fault because-"

Hotch cut her off. "JJ, I'm not even going to listen to you come up with excuses for what you did. You know as well as I do that it was unacceptable and _dangerous_!" He resumed his pacing, his jaw clenched. "You deliberately manipulated the entire team into thinking you were in the bathroom- and then you broke into the reptile house, lied to Mr. Jones, locked us into the building and intentionally let loose some of the world's most dangerous snakes!"

"But they had no venom!"

"You had no idea their venom was removed!" Hotch was coming dangerously close to shouting. "And now you're arguing about it- you're not even sorry for what you did! JJ, I can't even believe you right now. I would never have expected this kind of behaviour from you."

JJ's fists were clenched. "But nothing even happened!"

"But it _could have_!" Hotch retorted angrily. "What bothers me is how neither of you even _considered_ the consequences of your actions. And now you're fighting with me about it, when you're clearly in the wrong. Now you're going to apologize, and then we're going home."

"No." JJ met his eyes, defiance flashing in hers.

"JJ, I'm not going to tell you again…"

"No!" JJ yelled, her chin up. "I'm not going to say sorry 'cause you guys are big losers who can't take a joke!"

"We went over this already; it was dangerous and-"

JJ lashed out. "You're treating me like a _child_ but I'm not one- I'm not a baby! And nobody even got hurt so what the hell is your problem?" She landed a punch to his rib. "You're acting like dumb assholes! Just- just piss off and stop being an ass! You moronic shitheads need to learn that I'm not a fucking child so-"

Before she could finish the sentence, Hotch and Morgan both reached for her. Hotch got there first, and he grabbed her arm, turned her around and landed a firm spank to her backside.

Hotch brought his face close to hers, furious. "Don't let me _ever_ hear you insult me, Morgan or anyone else on this team with language like that _ever_ again."

"You fucking dou-"

He grabbed her again, spinning her around and lifting her up. Then he raised his hand again and brought it down twice more on her bottom.

_Give it up, JJ_, he thought pleadingly as she twisted in his arms and opened her mouth. _We both know you're not going to win. Why not make it easy?_

No such luck. "Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier, you stupiddonkey-ass shithe-"

He turned her around again in frustration, holding her around the waist. She tried her best to wriggle out of his grasp, but he held her tightly and cracked his palm down again, giving her two more swats, considerably harder than before.

"Want to finish that sentence?" She stared at him in shock when he put her down on the ground, bottom lip starting to quiver.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and the nurse stuck her head in. "Sir, the cream should have worked by now. If you come with me, I can stitch you up."

Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Hotch slowly got up, grabbing Jack's hand. "JJ, we _will_ continue this discussion at home. Jack, you're coming with me. And you, Emily."

Hotch glanced at a fuming Morgan on the way out, who nodded supportively.

The moment the door closed, JJ turned to Morgan, but he grabbed her arms and held her still.

"Uh-uh," he said sternly, tapping her head to make her meet his eyes. "No, you don't. Don't you dare come crying to me for comfort- Hotch didn't pop you that hard, and you can take five swats." His voice started to get louder with each word. "Just be glad that he isn't taking lessons from my mama, 'cause if he was to take a page from her book, you'd still be over his knee right now! And you know what? You'd deserve every second of it!"

JJ tried to wriggle out of his grasp, head down, but he held firm. "No, you need to listen to this. You behaved terribly today. And I'm not talking 'bout the prank gone wrong, although that is a BIG part of it. I'm talking 'bout how you just acted. Care to explain that?"

JJ shifted on the spot, fighting back tears. "He was treating me like a child…"

"Because you _acted_ like a child!" Morgan hissed, glaring at her. "You- JJ, you let snakes loose on your team members! How could you even- what were you _thinking_?"

When she opened her mouth, he cut her off.

"No, you weren't thinking, we all know that. But when Hotch asks you to apologize, you don't want to? Because he's rightfully getting angry for something you did- something which resulted in him needing _stitches_? I am so, so angry with you right now I don't even know what to say- no, don't you dare cover your ears." He sighed in frustration. "For God's sake JJ, as you just told Hotch, you're not a child! We keep forgetting that, but you're right, you're not! You're a fully capable grown woman who should be able to _think_ before doing things like this!"

She didn't say anything, and so he continued, gaining steam.

"You're too proud to apologize? Well, fine. Jack says sorry and Hotch cools it with him. You say no, and you get a full-on scolding and smacks instead. I hope you're happy with your choice. But I'll tell you one thing: you're sure as hell not acting like a grown adult- you're acting _worse_ than a child!"

"Morgan, I didn't mean to…" she said quietly, a catch in her voice as her teary eyes met his.

"But you don't even at least take responsibility for your actions when you're determined to act like a child! What you did was _dangerous_."

"I know…" A few tears trailed down her cheeks.

"And you _still_ refused to just say sorry, knowing what you did was wrong. And you hit Hotch! And swore at him! You know what that tells us? That tells us you're sure as hell not sorry for your actions. I am so disappointed in you today, Jennifer Jareau."

"I'm sorry…"

"You should be," he growled. "I'd be willing to bet half my savings that it was your idea- wasn't it? Of course it was. _You're_ the one who came up with it because _you're_ really the older one. Do you know what could have happened if they had venom? Hotch would have been _killed_. He would be_ dead_ right now! Did you think about that before you let the snakes loose? "

"No, I'm sorry…" JJ was shaking her head vehemently, and neither of them noticed when the door was pushed open and Reid came in.

"I have never in my life seen Hotch lose his temper like that," Morgan continued, "but you deserved it! If it was me I'd have given you more than double that for your disrespect. I still might. What you did was reckless and immature and _childish_."

When he stopped talking, there was silence in the room, broken only by an occasional sniffle. JJ's hands fisted at her eyes, and she stood in front of Morgan, wanting comfort but unsure about approaching him.

After about a few seconds of silence, she heard him move. Then his hands reached under her arms and she felt herself being picked up and set on his lap. Immediately, she buried her face in his shoulder, trembling.

"C'mere, shrimp. Shh, it's okay JJ," he soothed, rubbing her back. "It's okay. You just need to think next time, alright? Shh, calm down, it's okay. We're okay."

Reid cautiously rapped on the door. "Hey, guys," he said softly.

Morgan gave him a small grin. "Where's everybody else?"

"Garcia and Rossi are with Hotch," he answered, coming in and approaching the two. "And she- Garcia- sent me to get you."

"Okay." Morgan stood up with JJ. "We're going back now, right?"

"Yeah." Reid nodded. "Rossi called his driver-"

"He has a driver?" Morgan gasped.

Reid shrugged. "Apparently. Rossi called his driver so he's got his car waiting in the parking lot next to Hotch's car. My apartment is on the way so I'm getting a ride home from him."

"And Garcia?" Morgan asked, shifting JJ in his arms. He lived a few minutes away from her, so he figured her could just get a lift from whatever transport she'd arranged.

"That's why she asked me to get you," Reid explained, holding the door open for them. "You're getting a taxi with her. She's already started walking to the taxi stand with Emily, which is at gate L4- follow signs," he added before Morgan could ask. "And Hotch and Rossi are on their way to the car park with Jack."

"Cool." Morgan nodded. "Looks like you guys have it all sorted. I'll go find Garcia. You heading to the car park?"

"Yeah," Reid answered.

"Great." He slid JJ's hands off his neck and set her down on the floor, chuckling at her protests. "Reid's taking you to the car now, okay shrimp? I'm going home with Garcia."

"'Kay," she replied, waving to him sorrowfully, one hand automatically reaching for Reid's. "Bye."

"Bye, shrimp. Later, Reid."

He disappeared, leaving JJ and Reid alone.

Reid sighed, glancing down at the girl, whose hand was nestled in his. She stared back up at him through red eyes, looking tired and upset. Like Garcia, Rossi, Morgan and Hotch, he had been furious as well, but now as he looked at JJ he felt his anger melt away at her kicked-puppy expression.

"I guess… I guess we should get going too, huh?"

"Yeah," she answered quietly, allowing him to lead her out of the medical aid building. Reid noticed that she was unnaturally quiet, and was walking with less energy than usual. He slowed his pace to keep up with her, and they walked in silence for a few minutes.

"You okay?" he asked gently as the streetlights around the zoo turned on.

JJ didn't reply but she nodded slightly. Reid knew she was exhausted- it was already dark, nearing her bedtime, and she hadn't even had a nap all day.

"Do you want me to carry you?"

Another no.

"Sure?" Reid prodded, squeezing her hand.

She shrugged this time, and he stopped, dropping her hand and crouching down in front of her. He remembered feeling this way when he was young- when he had done something bad and one of his parents yelled at him. JJ's expression mirrored his when he used to be in the same situation- not that it had happened to him often, being a child genius and all. "Come here." He opened his arms slightly as an invitation.

JJ hesitated for a second but then her face screwed up and she shook her head.

Reid pretended to be upset. "I thought we were friends…"

"We are."

"Then why won't you give me a hug when I really want one?" Seeing her look unconvinced, Reid nudged her. "Please, JJ… I really need a hug."

That was enough to save her pride, and she rushed to him, latching her arms around his neck and allowing him to pick her up. Reid could feel her shuddering breaths and rubbed small circles on her back to calm her down.

"Thank you, JJ," he whispered. "I really needed that."

He walked through the park to the gates, murmuring softly to her about the book he'd read last week, hoping the rambling chatter would help. Her head started drooping onto his shoulder halfway through, and he knew she was at least half-asleep, if not completely.

He walked through the exit and wound around the parked cars to find Hotch's. Spotting it the next row over, Reid made his way over to the car and rapped quietly on the window.

There was a _click!_ as Hotch unlocked the doors from inside, and Reid slid open the door, smiling to see that Jack had drifted off as well. Hotch gestured to the empty car-seat.

Reid tried to put JJ down, but the downwards motion startled her and she jerked forwards into him, clutching his shirt.

So she wasn't completely asleep then.

"JJ," he murmured. "I have to put you in the car now." Carefully avoiding the word 'car-seat'.

She squirmed and shook her head, clinging to him. "No, I want to go home with you."

"I'm sorry JJ, you can't." He brushed back her hair, feeling very sorry for her and the awkward time when she and Hotch were going to have to talk it out, having been filled in by Emily. "Maybe tomorrow. But right now I don't have anything set up in my apartment."

"I don't mind."

"I'm sorry JJ. Not tonight. Now be good and let me buckle you in, okay?"

She pulled back, chewing on her nail, thinking about it. "…'kay."

"Good girl," Reid praised, glad when she flushed with pride. When he tried to bend down again though, her hands were gripping his neck once more. He pulled back. "JJ…" he prompted.

He felt her sigh, but she loosened her hold on him. He reached back and unhooked her arms completely, then bent down again and gently sat her in the car-seat. "There you go."

She wriggled around until she made herself comfortable, and he could see that she was getting sleepy again. "That's great, JJ, go to sleep. Good girl." He continued talking to her as he buckled her in, and by the time he pulled away, she was fast asleep.

Reid turned and slowly tapped on the front seat. "Hey Hotch?" The unit chief glanced up. "I heard you smacked her today."

Hotch sighed, running a hand through his hair and looking back at a sleeping JJ. "Yeah. I didn't know what else to do."

"I know she deserved it," Reid started, "but she's only a child. And as much as she keeps telling us she is, she's not really an adult."

"I understand that Reid." Hotch pushed his seat back to meet Reid's eyes. "But if any kid had said what she did and behaved how she did, I'd have given them the same. She's lucky it wasn't Morgan who got to her first- he would've walloped her."

Reid nodded in acknowledgement. "You didn't comfort her after you punished her."

"I didn't get a chance to. I'll talk to her tomorrow. She'll be fine."

"I know." Reid glanced at JJ one more time, glad that she had avoided Morgan. "But… she's so little."

"Reid, do you have a soft spot for mini JJ?" Hotch asked teasingly, chuckling.

The younger man reddened. "What? I- no!" After a pause, he continued, "She's just… she's upset. And she's four."

"I know."

**XXX**

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**A/N:** I didn't really know what to do in this chapter. I thought, if Emily was watching, would JJ just say sorry and be done with it? No. At least, not mini-JJ.

But that left me with a problem: Hotch had no way of punishing her- he couldn't take away toys or ground her like he could with Jack. And with JJ pushing them as much as she was, and Hotch being as pissed as he was, I couldn't naturally write a scene where he just lets her say what she wants and go unpunished. I considered changing the spanker to Morgan, but in my head he got spanked growing up, he doesn't have any issues with spanking, and he would have given her a lot more than she got from Hotch. I have detailed explanations for exactly why every single person acted how they did, but I'm not going to list it all here because I'll just bore you all =D

Also, before those people asked for JJ h/c, this chapter was originally intended to be Emily dealing with the nightmares from her encounter mixed with some funnies. I think another chapter with h/c might be a little too much though. Would you like a funny chapter (maybe at Reid's house), or Emily hc, or something else?

I have time to write EVERY DAY now, so chapters will be up daily pretty much if you all review and tell me what you want quickly enough.


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**

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Emily gasped. "Oh. My. _God._ Morgan, you have to see this!" When she received no reply, she huffed, then stuck her head through the doorway and screamed. "MORGAN!"

Immediately, there was a crash from downstairs, and, satisfied, she went back into the room. Twenty seconds later, Morgan came skidding through the doorway, catching the door frame to steady himself. "What's wrong?" he panted. "What happened?"

"Look." She thrust a flier at him.

"Excuse me?"

"Look."

"You screamed for help… because of a flier?" He threw his hands up. "Seriously? What'd it do, give you a paper cut?"

Emily fixed him with an icy stare. "Just read it." She watched as Morgan quickly skimmed the ad, then looked up and demanded "So?". "What d'you mean, so?"

"There's a new indoor pool in town. Whoop de doo. I'm going down to finish making breakfast." Saying this, he started to leave, but Emily grabbed his arm and hung on. "Aw, come on, midget."

"Can we go? Please? Pleeeeeease?" She did her best puppy-dog eyes.

"No."

"Why not?" she pleaded. "Come on. It'll be fun."

"I said no already," Morgan answered, tossing the flier onto the bed.

"Please?" she begged.

"Asking me twelve times isn't going to change the answer."

"I'll do your paperwork for a day."

"No, Em," he replied, trying to shake her off. "It's just a pool. You've been before." He paused. "You have been to a pool, right?"

Emily scoffed. "Please, my dad _owned _a pool." Seeing him turn away, she back-tracked quickly. "But… but that's why I never went. Because I was bullied at the pool for being a 'spoiled little rich brat'- their words, not mine- and I never even dipped my toes in. Not even once."

"Yeah, right. Give it a rest. When do you think I was born?"

"Yesterday, with how young you look," Emily answered, causing him to bark out a laugh.

"Nice one." He started to walk out of the room. "But we're still not going."

"I'll do your paperwork for three days!" She started to perk up when he turned to face her again. "Once I'm the right age, obviously. But I'll do it, for sure."

"Three days?" He considered. Then: "Nah, I'll pass. I'm gonna be downsta-"

"A week!"

"What?"

"I'll do your paperwork. For a week."

Morgan was in heaven. How had he not thought of this earlier? As long as there wasn't a catch…"Why would you even offer that?"

"'Cause I _really _wanna go to the pool today."

He felt a stab of guilt, but it was short-lived. "Make it a month and I'll get Hotch to bring the other two. I'll even invite Rossi, Reid and Garcia if you like."

Emily shook her head. "Nope, not a whole month. Do the same for a week of paperwork."

"A month."

"Ten days. Last offer."

"Three weeks, just Jack and JJ."

"Two weeks, everyone."

"You want everyone to come, I'm not settling for less than two and a half weeks."

"Deal, if you get Rossi in a swimsuit."

"Done."

"Call them," Emily ordered. "If anyone at all says no, I'm taking off a week."

"Yes, ma'am." Morgan saluted her, then went off to make the calls, leaving Emily to root through the last, unopened shopping bag to find a swimming costume. She was positive that Garcia must have bought one. As long as it wasn't too frilly or ribbon-y, she could deal with any color or style, she told herself.

* * *

_Brrrring! Brrring!_

"I'll get it!" Jack yelled, abandoning his toys and rushing to pick up the phone. "Hello, Hotchner residence. May I please know who's calling?"

"May _I _please know who I'm speaking to?" Morgan asked teasingly from the other end.

"Uncle Derek! It's me, silly. Jack."

Morgan chuckled. "Wow, really? How's it going over there?"

"JJ's in a sucky mood but we're all fine!" Jack chirped.

"Yeah, I bet. Hey, Jack, could you do me a favor and give the phone to your dad?"

"Okay. Hold on one second…" He covered the received with his hand. "Daddy! Phone for you."

Hotch walked into the room and took the phone. "Morgan."

"Hey, Hotch, how's your arm?"

Hotch glanced at it reflexively. The bandage had lost its pristine whiteness and was graying at the edges, giving the wound a dirty, un-kept feel. "It's… better."

"And, uh, everything else?"

He sighed. "Don't ask. So, you wanted anything or…?"

"Me and Em were thinking we could head to the new pool this afternoon. You guys in?"

"I'll call you back." After hanging up, Hotch walked into the living room, where the two kids were smashing trucks into piles of blocks. "Jack, JJ, do you want to go to the pool today?" he asked.

Jack raced to his father excitedly, while JJ trailed after him, arms folded. "Just us, Daddy?"

"No," Hotch told him, "Uncle Derek and Emily invited us. Should I tell them yes?"

"Yeah!" Jack turned to JJ, delight showing on his face. "We're going to the new pool! Finally! It's a new one that's just opened last week, and it's Olympic-sized!"

"Fun…" JJ muttered under her breath, arms still crossed. "Is Reid going to be there?" The question was directed at Hotch, but she refused to look at him.

"The whole team will be there." He took her silence as agreement, and continued, "Get your things together- swimsuits under your clothes, towels in a separate bag- while I make breakfast, okay?"

The second Hotch left the room, Jack started babbling about the pool. "Everyone wants to go to the new pool, but none of the parents hardly ever want to take the kids 'cause they want to finish all the beach and outdoor stuff while it's hot. But my friend Tommy, he went on _opening day_. He's so lucky, right? He said it's _huge_. It's the same size as the ones they use in the Olympics on tv like-"

"Oh, get over it," JJ snapped, flopping down onto the carpet. "It's just a stupid pool."

He shook his head. "It's an _awesome _pool. You just haven't seen it yet."

"Neither have you," she shot back. "It's dumb and stupid, just like you and your dad."

"You're just jealous you don't live near an Olympic-sized pool," Jack told her calmly, returning back to his trucks.

"I live closer to the pool than you do," she informed him haughtily. "And just because you're stupid, I'm not telling you where."

"I'm not stupid!" he cried indignantly. "And neither is Daddy."

"Your Daddy's the stupid_-est_." Her glare dared him to argue.

Wisely, Jack chose to drop it, the maturity that Garcia often raved about winning over his desire to defend Hotch. "Look, whatever, are you getting ready or not?"

"Yeah. I guess." She glanced at Jack out of the corner of her eye. "It's Olympic sized- I'm not missing that."

Jack grinned at her. "Come on. You can choose which towel you want." He led her upstairs, to the laundry closet. "Here. I've got Avengers, Harry Potter," he subtly pushed the Sesame Street towel to the back of the pile, "Spider-man and Batman. Which do you want?"

JJ flicked through each towel. "Uh, Spider-man, I guess."

"I'm taking Batman then."

"Jack! JJ! Are you ready?" They heard Hotch calling from the kitchen. "We're leaving in 10 minutes."

"Ready!" Jack yelled back, before running down the stairs to pack their stuff.

* * *

"They're here," Reid announced in relief, scurrying away from Rossi and Garcia, who were snapping pictures of him in his swim trunks. "Hey, guys."

"Oh my word! My little patootie looks so c-_ute_!" Garcia gushed, rushing over to Emily, who immediately leapt onto Morgan's back.

"Don't call me a potato," she scowled. "I can call you way worse in like twelve different languages." Garcia backed away chuckling, her arms raised in mock surrender.

"_Patootie, _sugar plum. Cutie patootie."

"Oh. Well…" Emily slid off of Morgan's back, walking towards Garcia. "I guess you can hug me then."

She received a poke on her bare tummy from the older woman. "You love the suit I bought for you, don't you?"

"It _is _kinda pretty," Emily admitted. She was wearing a blue and purple bikini with abstract, almost floral designs, black straps and matching flip flops, a simple white towel thrown lazily over her shoulder. "Less flowery would've been nice, but this isn't bad."

"Just be glad I didn't get you an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini, Em-Em. Because they had one, and I was _this_," she pinched her fingers together, "close to getting it for you. That would have been adorable."

"That would've been suicide," Morgan stated matter-of-factly. Just then, he noticed Reid. "Hey, pretty boy's all dressed down! Not bad, man."

Reid gave a weak grin.

"Oh, look, they're here!" Emily waved at Hotch, Jack and JJ as they approached the entrance. Jack was wearing his Avengers trunks, while JJ was dressed in a simple one-piece coral bathing suit, with lines of light pink and white hearts across it. The second she saw Reid, she ran over to him and slipped her hand into his.

"Hi."

"Uh, is there a reason we're all standing outside the entrance?" Hotch asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yes," Rossi countered, "we were actually being polite and waiting before we went in. Excuse us for being nice."

"You're excused!" Jack chirped brightly. "Now let's go in!" He pulled open the metal door and trooped into the building, the others trailing after him. The door opened into a large, plain carpeted corridor with a few doors on either side, and double doors at the end.

"Okay so… Since we're all changed we don't need the changing rooms," Morgan said, glancing at everyone to make sure they were fine with that. "Anyone got anything they wanna lock up?"

"No, everyone's good," Jack said. He was so excited he was practically bouncing on his toes. "Let's just go in now!"

"Okay, buddy," Hotch laughed, grabbing his son's hand and walking towards the double doors. "Phew, you can smell the chlorine from here!"

"I love that smell…" Jack whispered dreamily.

Morgan sniggered. "Let's get Jack into the pool before he starts fantasizing about life jackets." Garcia and Emily needed no further prompting and ran through the pool doors with Jack, leaving Hotch to dash after them yelling about running and safety regulations.

"We'd better get it over with too," Rossi said wearily, causing Morgan to snort at him.

"Get it _over _with? I'm dying to get in there! Come on, JJ." He grabbed her hand and started to push open the pool doors, but she wriggled out of his grasp and clutched Reid's swim shorts.

"I'm going with Reid."

He exchanged a glance with Reid but didn't comment. "Okay, well, we're all going together anyway, right?"

"Yes. But I'm with Reid."

"Okay, that's cool." He swung open the door and held it open for them, letting it swing shut behind him once they were all through. Hotch, Emily and Jack were already splashing each other in the shallow end of the huge pool, which was completely empty except for a lifeguard who appeared to be half-asleep. It really _was _big, with both the main pool, a connected jacuzzi, and a kiddie pool. And, unexpectedly, a long, steep and twisting slide stood quietly in the corner, calmly churning a steady stream of water into the deep end.

Rossi whistled. "Wow… Nice." He headed straight for the jacuzzi and slipped in, leaning back and sighing in contentment. "This is the life."

Emily climbed out of the pool and came rushing up to them, already soaking wet, her hair dripping trails of water down her legs. "This. Is. So. Awesome! It's empty!"

"Not for long!" Morgan scooped her up and jumped into the deep end, cackling when she yelped in surprise. Somehow, he managed to avoid getting his head in the water, and waited for her to come up. A second later, she cracked through the surface, spluttering.

"Morgan!" she yelled, gasping for air. She thrashed in the water, trying to get to him as he lazily swam just out of her reach.

"Yes, midget?"

"Morgan!"

"Uh-huh?"

"Morgan, it's too deep!"

Instantly, he was next to her in one smooth stroke, letting her latch onto his arm and catch her breath. "Whoa, Em, I'm sorry. You okay?" She nodded. After a second, he added questioningly "You said you could swim?"

"I can," she answered. "But I don't like it in the deep end. I was in swimming lessons when I was seven, now that I think of it, so maybe I hadn't swum in the deep end yet? Anyway, I can keep my head up and move, it just kinda freaked me out a bit."

"I'll keep that in mind," he promised, kicking to take them to shallower water. "Sorry. I wouldn't have thrown you in if I'd known."

"Oh, you can throw me in again," she waved him off. "As long as you come get me straight after. Plus," she grinned evilly, "I'll feel really bad doing this if you don't have a chance of getting me back."

He was confused. "Wait, doing what?"

"This." She used his arm as a foothold to climb deftly onto his shoulders, and plopped down.

"Sit on my shoulders?" He snorted, grabbing her knees to steady her. "Wow, so mean. How will I ever get over- ararrgh!" He was cut off half way by Emily squeezing her knees together and throwing herself forward into the water, pulling Morgan's head down with her. Then, aware of the huge weight discrepancy, she started to swim furiously under the water, doing her best to keep his head down. Morgan's head writhed trying to get out of her grasp- he hadn't had any time to get air and his mouth was full of water.

Finally, he gave up trying to pull her off his head. Under the water, Reid and JJ saw his feet start to kick powerfully upwards.

Feeling herself being propelled towards the surface, Emily quickly let go and started to swim away before she was pulled to the surface on his shoulders, which would leave her at his mercy.

Morgan came up gasping for breath, spitting out mouthfuls of water and taking in gulpfuls of air. "Oh—My—God! You—crazy—evil—little—kid!" He swam towards her and she shrieked and went towards Hotch, running on the tiled floor rather than swimming.

"Have to get through him if you wanna get me!"

Jack giggled as Morgan and his father pretended to face off, snarling at each other.

Reid glanced down at JJ. "Hey, you wanna go in?"

She didn't answer.

"Can you swim?" he prodded.

"Um, yes?" she faltered. "I think I could? Maybe…"

"You won't find out if you don't go in…" he reminded her gently.

"Make sure you don't let go," she ordered nervously.

"Of course."

He swiftly picked her up and sat down at the pool ledge. Then, giving her a reassuring smile, he slipped into the water, holding her securely. She wrapped her legs around him tightly until he stilled in the water.

"Can you float?" Reid loosened her grip around his neck. He held her out at arm's length, ignoring her protests. "Okay, I'm gonna let you go just to see." He turned her so she was lying on her back and let go, pleased to see that she floated. "There, see? That wasn't so bad was it? Next step…" Reid considered it for a second, and then let go of her, keeping his hands within inches of her torso just in case. Immediately her arms started to thrash in the water. Soon enough, though, her hands and legs got into a comfortable, if rushed, rhythm.

"You can do the doggy paddle!" Reid praised, grabbing her. She had to tilt her head all the way back to keep it from going under- even then, it went in a few times- but she could keep herself afloat and move for maybe a minute or so. "Wow, you're such a good swimmer."

He assessed her abilities as he held onto one arm. He was supporting her, for sure, but she was kicking her legs and doing much of the work herself. He couldn't let go of her altogether; she couldn't swim well enough for that, but he thought that if he kept his hand on her arm she could propel herself forward.

He told her as much, and she beamed, pleased. "Emily! Jack! Watch me swim!" She tapped Reid's shoulder. "Hold me and I'll kick," she instructed. "Emily!"

The older girl was in peals of laughter while she, Jack and Hotch splashed Morgan with torrents of water. She looked up when JJ called. "Yeah?"

"I can swim!"

"Oh you can?" She looked mildly interested for a moment, and then resumed the splashing contest.

"Emily! Jack!" JJ yelled again, getting frustrated when no-one watched her kicking. "Can someone watch me?"

"I'm watching," Hotch offered.

He was rewarded with a death glare. "No. Not you._ Emily_!"

Hotch whispered something in her ear, and she sighed and faced JJ. "Yeah, okay, I'm looking."

JJ proudly half-swam the length of the shallow end, all the way to the small group at the other end. "See?"

Emily nodded encouragingly. "Yeah, that was great!"

"Nice, JJ!" Jack added. "You were kicking and everything!"

The three children played for a few minutes in the shallow end, making up games as they went along- Super Dolphin Heroes, Underwater Aliens and Who-Can-Hold-Their-Breath-The-Longest were the clear favourites, although Hotch quickly put an end to the third. Halfway through an exciting game of Pool Horror Stories, Emily got bored.

"So some of those filters open at night and then sharks and evil monsters come out of them," Jack was explaining seriously, pointing them out. "The ones that glow the brightest are the evilest. And those little jet things are actually-"

"Can we do something else now?" Emily asked, diving under water and doing a somersault. He waited for her to come up before asking what she had in mind. "I don't know." Shrugging, she looked around the pool to the jacuzzi where Morgan, Hotch, Rossi, Reid and Garcia were keeping a close eye on them, despite the rather bored-looking lifeguard positioned at the far end of the pool.

Jack followed her gaze. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Depends," she answered with a gleam in her eye. "If you're thinking we should de-pants Reid and Rossi, then yes."

"With a little splashing in between?"

"Oh, yeah."

"There's a lot of them, though," Jack pointed out.

"True. Maybe we could convert Garcia?"

"Nice. Or Uncle Dave."

JJ looked between them, confused. "I don't get it. What's our plan?" They quickly explained it to her, and she let out a sudden laugh as she understood. Slowly, the three of them made their way along the pool to the Jacuzzi. It was connected to the pool right in the middle, so the water quickly got deeper the closer they got. Emily noticed halfway there that JJ was having trouble keeping her head above the water. She motioned to Jack and they each grabbed one of her arms and pulled her along.

When they reached a point where even they were up to their necks, they glanced at each other. "Um, can we drag her and swim too?" Jack asked nervously, eyeing the few meters to the jacuzzi. The lifeguard was more alert now, leaning forward in his chair and suspiciously watching them.

"I don't know…"

Just then, Hotch looked up to check on them and noticed their position. He started to get up, but Garcia waved her hand and he sat back down, leaving her to swim over to them.

"Hello, cherries. You could have just called, y'know," she informed them brightly. "You two can swim?"

"How deep does it get?" Emily asked warily. Jack had already started kicking towards Hotch.

"From here to the jacuzzi?" Garcia asked. Receiving a nod in return, she replied, "Maybe a foot above your head, max. Doesn't start to get really deep 'til a few metres after that."

Satisfied, Emily followed Jack, and Garcia started to walk after her since she was more than tall enough to reach the bottom.

"Hey!" JJ protested, paddling frantically.

Garcia laughed. "I'm just teasing, buttercup." Without missing a beat, she reached for JJ and swung her onto her hip. "You, my little blossom, are way too cute to leave behind."

"Garcia?"

"Yes, babycakes?"

"Can you play with us?"

"I thought you'd never ask!"

"Hey, buddy, having fun?" Hotch asked, pulling Jack the last couple of feet, then extending his other arm out to Emily.

"Yeah!" Jack grinned. He frowned suddenly. "Ugh. The water's really hot."

"I don't like this," Emily groaned. "I feel sick."

"Shhh…" Rossi ordered. "You're killing the mood…"

"What mood?" JJ demanded as Garcia deposited her on the seat next to Reid, who also had his eyes closed.

"The mood…" Rossi replied, his entire body relaxed. "The ambience… the relaxation… the calmness…"

"That's dumb," Emily said after a pause. "Let's go play!"

She received no reply. "Hello-o! We came here to swim, not to sit here on our ass-" She caught Hotch's Look and hastily changed her sentence. "Sorry, I mean, we didn't come here to sit on our butts all day."

"Come play with us," JJ whined, pulling Reid's arm. "Please?"

He, too, didn't reply. Jack had managed to pull Hotch up, leaving Garcia, JJ and Emily staring at the other three.

"Come _on, _guys," Emily begged. "Morgan!"

"Yeah midget?"

"Please?"

"Can I say no?"

"No," JJ answered, climbing over Reid. "Get up."

"But I like it here."

"If you don't get up, I'll tell Rossi about that time I had to bail you out of jail for public nud- nudit-"

He reached over and covered her mouth quickly. "So, what are we playing?" He picked JJ up and made his way over to Hotch and Jack in the shallow end, with Garcia following behind him, demanding to know if the particular incident had been caught on tape.

Emily slid along the long seat to Reid. "Hey…"

"Hmm…" he replied, eyes shut.

"Can you come too?"

"Mmm."

"Reid."

"Mm-hm."

"Is that a yes?"

"Mmm."

She pried his eyes open with her fingers and held them open. "Pleeeeaaase?"

Reid sighed, but got up. "Alright. What about him?" He jerked his thumb at Rossi.

She shrugged. "Eh, he's asleep. One less isn't gonna kill us I guess."

"Two less isn't likely to either," Reid pointed out, but he let her pull him to the shallow end.

The adults were all standing in a circle with JJ and Jack in the middle. Emily quickly pushed Reid into formation too. The lifeguard was sitting up straighter, probably wondering what on earth they were doing.

"What type of game is this?" Morgan asked. "Build-a-Boredom?"

They all stared at him, even the lifeguard.

"Um."

"Not funny."

"Kinda lame, actually."

"Not up to your usual standards."

"Nowhere near."

"He has standards?"

"Good point."

"If you think about it like that, by Morgan standards…"

"Not bad."

"Not bad at all."

"Yeah."

"You know what, Morgan, that was a great joke."

"Really good."

"Great effort."

"Keep it up."

"Shut up, guys." He rolled his eye, amused. "Let's just play whatever game you're trying to- aaargh!" He started to thrash about in the water as Emily dived forward at that moment, his hands clutching his swimming trunks. "Get off me! Get _off _me!"

The lifeguard started chuckling as he watched the scene.

Reid glanced down worriedly as Jack approached. "Now come on, Jack. I'm much bigger and stronger and- no don't get me!" Jack jumped on him- or more accurately, on his shorts- and his feet slipped on the tiles. He went down with a huge splash, Jack holding on tightly.

Hotch was about to intervene with a stern scolding when he saw Garcia coming closer. "I don't- Garcia, aren't you a little old to be- This is- I swear if you touch me I'll- No. No, don't come any closer. Garcia I'll- AAARGHGH!"

"I'VE GOT HIM!" Garcia shrieked as JJ leapt on him with relish. "I'VE GOT HIM JJ! Get him! Get him!"

"I'm pantsing you, I'm pantsing you!" Jack yelled, tugging the waistband of Reid's shorts even as the older man jumped up and down trying desperately to swat him away.

Why oh why did he choose to wear elastic swim shorts today of all days?

The lifeguard was in fits of laughter, slumped to one side and clutching his side.

"Morgan's getting pantsed! Morgan's getting pansted!" Emily was squealing, her legs firmly wrapped around him and her hands trying to untie the knot. Morgan kept trying to dive under water to throw her off, but she hung on tightly, pushing the shorts down inch by inch.

Poor Hotch had it worst, with Garcia on his back and JJ on his front. He was twisting under the water trying to get them both off with no luck.

"I'm almost there! I'M ALMOST THERE!" Jack screamed as Reid's shorts started to fall. "I GOT UNCLE SPENCER! I'M PANTSING UNCLE SPEN-"

"What on earth is going on here?"

Immediately, all seven of them froze. The children let go of their victims and dropped back into the water. Reid pulled his shorts up a couple of inches. Morgan re-tied his knot. The lifeguard stopped laughing and sat up straight.

"Hi, mommy," JJ waved sheepishly.

"Strauss?" Morgan felt like his worst nightmare was coming true. "What- what are you doing here?" In a swimsuit no less.

Ugh. Strauss. At the _pool. _With _them. _

At the _pool._

"I _was _here to use the sauna in the next room, but you were making such a racket that I came to see what all the noise was about." Her lip curled back in a sneer.

Jack sidled closer to JJ. "That's your _mommy?_" he whispered.

"Um. Yeah," she muttered back distractedly.

"Wow." He moved closer to Hotch, intimidated by this strange woman.

"We're sorry we disturbed your, uh, sauna trip," Reid stammered out. "We'll keep it quieter."

"Good," she said crisply, before turning to the girls. "That was quite entertaining, agents." Later, what she did next became the stuff of legends, and JJ and Emily were frequently asked to swear they were telling the truth when recounting it.

She winked.

Then she left, letting the door swing shut behind her.

They all breathed out sighs of relief. The lifeguard wiped the sweat off his brow.

"Did she- did she just…?" Garcia trailed off, staring from the now closed door to the girls and back.

"She winked at them." Hotch rubbed his temple, feeling a headache building. "They were de-pantsing us and she winked at them for it."

"Oh my God," Morgan groaned. "I hate you all so much right now. We're gonna be the laughing stock of the entire bureau if anyone finds out."

Jack looked confused, while Emily and JJ looked guilty.

"I don't get it," he said slowly. "Why is it bad that JJ's mom winked at her?"

"It's not," Hotch covered hastily. "It just means that she saw what you guys were doing and she found it funny. And that wasn't JJ's mom."

"Who was it then?" Jack demanded suspiciously. The lifeguard leaned forward with interest.

"Just… a lady who manages people at work. Uh, my boss."

"Oh." Jack accepted it, while the lifeguard looked scandalized.

"So that sucked," Morgan stated matter-of-factly. "But…" He sighed. "Whatever. Let's just forget about it. What do you wanna do now?" He directed his question at the three kids.

"You know, I'm surprised you haven't tried out the slide yet," Hotch said, nodding towards it.

Emily's jaw dropped. "There's a- Oh my God! I forgot there's a slide! Come on! Let's go try it out!" She rushed to the pool steps and climbed out, JJ and Jack following after her.

"Quickly!" Jack was bouncing on his toes, he was so excited.

At the top, Emily looked down, suddenly apprehensive. She hadn't realized that the slide went into the deep end. She heard Garcia reach the top behind her, and looked back.

"You want me to go first?" she offered. "Just to try it out?"

"Okay," Emily agreed. "And… can you ask Reid or someone to wait in the deep end for me?" She was wise enough not to choose Morgan, who she knew would use it as a perfect opportunity for revenge.

Garcia nodded and, after calling down to Morgan, she slid down, screaming the entire way. "Oh my goodness! I am not doing that again," she moaned, pulling herself up the steps at the side of the pool and collapsing in a heap. "I want to throw up."

"Too much for ya, mama?" Morgan teased, rubbing his hands together. "Watch the masters do it."

"Uh-uh, I'm first!" Emily said firmly. She looked down one more time, took a deep breath and slid down, giggling and landing with a huge splash at the bottom. Reid swam over to her and pulled her to shallower water as Morgan, then Jack, did the same. The four climbed out, gasping for breath, and made their way back up the stairs.

Hotch decided that it looked like fun and joined them.

"Let's go buddies this time!" Jack suggested.

"Shotgun Reid!" Emily called quickly, knowing he was the only one who wouldn't do anything evil like tickle her all the way down the slide. She pushed him down and slid onto his lap before pushing off.

"Uncle Derek!" Jack grabbed his arm, not wanting a lecture from Hotch about pantsing people.

JJ glared at Hotch. "I'm not going with him."

"JJ…"

"I'm not going with you."

"But I called Uncle Derek," Jack whined.

Hotch sighed, figuring the root of his son's problem. "Alright, Jack. Let JJ go with Uncle Derek and I won't say anything about earlier. Deal?"

Jack grinned. "Deal."

Morgan decided to go down backwards and, holding JJ tightly, they whooshed down, followed shortly after by Hotch and Jack.

They splashed each other and dunked each other and played chicken for another two hours before emerging from the pool, tired but happy and wrinkled like prunes.

"That was fun!" Emily said as they wrapped themselves in towels, shivering. "Let's go eat somewhere now."

The adults glanced at each other. "I'm in!" Garcia clapped her hands together. "I heard of this amazing make-your-own-sushi place near here, we could go there."

Hotch raised an eyebrow at the others.

"I could eat," Morgan said in reply. "Anyone else?"

"I'm hungry too," JJ put in, and Jack nodded.

Reid and Rossi checked their watches and then shrugged. "Sounds good."

"Sushi it is," Garcia proclaimed. "Let's go."

* * *

**A/N: This is getting really close to its finishing point. I would predict its end point around chapter 32 maybe, unless I'm struck with some sudden inspiration for how to continue it without over-drying it.**

**So. I am really, really grateful for all of you people who have read and commented and PM-ed about this fic. And I wanted to do something to say thank you for that. So I randomly chose 4 reviewers- wandamarie, W.S.C. Magica de Spell, crazyobsession101, and Laura Beth Loves Jesus- and I'm going to write you each a one-shot of your choice based in this 'verse. Any plot-line you choose. An addition to a scene that I wrote, a change to a scene I wrote, something you wish I'd written, something you want to have seen, a scene after they're re-aged, anything. Any genre- tragedy, humour, whatever. It'll probably be unpublished and I'll just send it to the people personally. (I feel REALLY narcissistic offering up my writing like a gift but it's all I can give as thanks. You guys have all stuck with this even when I update really slowly and one/two-shots for 4 of you is the best I can do I guess). PM me within two weeks of this being published- if you don't, I'll assume you don't want the one-shot which is also fine.**

**I'm also going to randomly generate 2 more reviewers' names by the last chapter. Also a big thank you to the readers who favourited and added this to their alerts- I appreciate all of you, I just couldn't add you to the random name generator because I don't know your names **

**~Maddie**


	30. Chapter 30

"Look at me Emily, I'm a mermaid!" JJ exclaimed, sliding around on her toes, her sushi balancing precariously on her plate.

"You can't breathe on air if you're a mermaid," Emily told her. "Go on. You have to pretend-die."

"Oh my God," Morgan groaned. "You are such a morbid little kid."

JJ ignored them both, and continued tipping from side to side. Her sushi almost landed on Hotch, who steadied her. "JJ, watch out."

"Or what?" she snapped back instantly.

"Or..." Hotch gestured to her tray, "Your sushi will fall all over the floor. And we won't get you seconds."

"I don't care!" She bumped into an elderly lady with a walker who glared at Hotch: "Control your child!"

"JJ..." Hotch looked tired, and worn-out. "Please apologize to the lady."

"Are you asking me to?"

"Yes."

"Then no, I won't."

The lady looked disgusted as Hotch apologized for JJ.

Emily watched all of this with a steely gaze. Suddenly, she turned around and started running quickly through the restaurant, weaving in and out of the tables expertly as she waited for the inevitable rebuke.

"Emily!" Morgan called. "Stop running or you'll-"

Her scream drowned him out.

"-Fall."

Sighing, but with plenty of worry apparent on his face, Morgan jogged over to where she was crouched down on the floor, holding her ankle. He gently knocked her hand out of the way, giving her a quick once-over to check she wasn't hurt badly anywhere else.

"Let me see, midget." His deft fingers poked and prodded the bone skilfully as the others looked on in concern, JJ and Hotch forgotten.

There was no swelling, or even any redness or bruising that _should_ have been clear on her pale skin.

"Not to sound, uh, insensitive here…" Morgan started hesitantly, running a hand comfortingly over her hair to massage the back of her neck. How should he put this? "Um, are you sure you…" He trailed off, instead scooping her up and carrying her back to the others.

She was Midget Emily, not SSA Prentiss. When little kids got hurt, they cried about tiny scrapes and imperceptible bruises, and he didn't want to embarrass her by pointing out that there was no visible injury. If she was upset, she was upset.

"Hey, Em, you alright?" JJ asked, pulling the older girl's ankle to get her attention.

Emily shook her head, her face still scrunched up. Morgan noted with narrowed eyes that JJ had just tugged at Emily's alleged 'hurt' ankle- and, now that he noticed, his shirt was strangely dry for all the fuss she was making.

Which, come to think of it, was not Emily's thing at all. She was more of a hide-and-lick-your-wounds kind of person.

"She's fine," he said, nudging JJ and Jack away. He mouthed 'She's tired' behind their backs at the adults, before retreating slightly and leaning his head down. "Okay, midget, what gives?"

"Shhh," she hissed back, digging her heel into his vulnerable ribcage, "Just go with it!"

"Yeah, okay, sure," Morgan retorted. "I'll just go with whatever scheme you've cooked up. What are we doing, are we taking over the CIA? Killing someone? Nah, you know what, it don't even matter. I'll just go with it."

"Shut _up_," she growled again, the pressure from her foot now increasing to become painful. He was sure he'd have a bruise there tomorrow. "Stop being dramatic."

_Look who's talking, _he wanted to bite back, but self preservation won over and he kept his mouth shut.

"Okay now put me down."

He did so slowly, still unsure where this was going. Emily hobbled a few steps before her right leg buckled and Morgan immediately caught her. "Woah there, you okay?"

Her glare was enough to freeze the Sahara. He got the message and let go.

Again, she walked a few steps, this time specifically passing in front of Hotch before her leg gave out. Hotch grabbed her under her arms just before (he thought) she fell to the floor.

"Are you sure that ankle's alright?" he asked worriedly, realizing that almost all her weight was on him.

"Yeah," Emily said breezily. Then she shook her head, casting a look at Jack and JJ out of the corner of her eyes. "I… I mean, yeah… I guess… I mean…"

"No?" Hotch prompted.

She shook her head, looking down.

"It's okay," Hotch comforted her. "Can you walk?"

She hesitated (Morgan marveled at her acting skills) and took a few shaky steps before leaning back against Hotch. "Hurts."

Like Morgan, Hotch too noticed the lack of bruising or swelling, but he knew firsthand that injuries often presented themselves differently in different people, and sometimes the common signs, such as swelling and discoloration, were absent.

"We'd better get you some first aid."

"There's a room back there!" Emily piped up immediately. "Over there. Through the changing room." When he didn't look convinced, she added, "They took a kid there who hurt himself earlier."

Hotch glanced over to the big blue door with a cartoon of a baby in a diaper on the door. That certainly didn't look like anywhere they would find first aid, but it couldn't hurt to check, right?

"Okay." He bent down to pick her up, withdrawing when she shied away.

"I can walk."

His brow furrowed, obviously remembering her attempts at walking just half a minute ago, but he didn't protest. "Do you want to lean against me?"

"Actually…" Emily's gaze fell to JJ, "Do you mind if I lean on you, JJ? You're more my height, otherwise I wouldn't…"

"Sure!" JJ scurried forward, glad to be helpful, and looped Emily's arm around her neck. "You just take it slow Em'ly. I got you."

The three of them slowly made their way through the restaurant, every table they passed offering to lend assistance or quickly pulling back their chairs to make space. The changing room was situated on the far end of the restaurant, and near the end of their walk Emily got tired of slow-walking and sped up slightly, much to JJ's surprise. Still, the younger girl assumed that her ankle was getting better, and just matched pace.

Hotch pushed open the door. Seeing as it was a kids' restaurant, the space was quite large, with a small sofa, a chair, and a few folding-out changing tables.

Anticipating his next words, Emily spoke quickly, edging closer to the door. "There's a guy in here, who does the first aid thingy when he's called. I, uh, saw him go in earlier. For that other kid. You know. The one I told you about."

"Oh." Hotch looked around at the obviously empty room. "Should I go call him?"

"No, Morgan already did." She pointed to a closed cupboard in the corner of the room. Meanwhile, behind her back, her fingers slipped the keys out of the lock. "Why don't you check in there for painkillers or something? I mean… please can you? It hurts. A lot." She added in a little moan for good measure. As Hotch turned around to check, Emily slipped out from beneath JJ's arm and pushed her forward. JJ started at the sudden movement and fell forward into Hotch's legs, causing him to lurch forwards, off-balance.

It was more than enough time for Emily to dash out the room, close the door and lock it shut with an audible _click!_

"When you text Garcia a picture of you two smiling and hugging I'll let you out!" She yelled through the keyhole, and then ran back through the restaurant with her new souvenir proudly displayed in her outstretched hand, shoving it in Morgan's face.

"See? See? I got them to talk!"

"You can't just do that!" Morgan protested, half in disapproval, half in amusement.

Reid looked like he didn't know how to react either, while Jack just looked on in confusion as Garcia whipped out her phone and took snaps of Emily posing with the key.

Rossi gave her a high-five. "Oh, lighten up- they were being mood-killers anyways."

Inside the room, Hotch and JJ stared at each other.

"Well." He coughed. "I guess we'd better-"

"Get into position," JJ finished his sentence for him- and not correctly. "Hand me your phone."

"What?"

"So we can take the picture," JJ explained in her 'duh' voice. "Come on, come over here." She glanced up. "No, light's not good here. Let's sit on the changing table." When she saw Hotch wasn't doing anything, she rolled her eyes and climbed onto the table herself, using a chair as a foothold. "Come on!"

"It would really be better to fake a picture and never talk again than to forgive me?" Hotch asked quietly, guilt gnawing at his stomach.

JJ's steely blue eyes glared at him. "Yeah," she nodded, and then wiggled around on the seat to get comfortable. If Hotch wouldn't take the picture, this would be a long wait…

Hotch ran a hand through his hair. "JJ…"

Her eyes snapped up to meet his. "Don't get that warning tone. Don't you dare. I'm not scared of you."

"I- I wasn't." That was _not _his warning tone! That was his please-help-me-out-here tone, reserved for situations where he had no clue what to do next.

"Good." She started to drum her feet against the base of the changing table.

Hotch stood in front of her, partly to talk and partly to avoid her falling off the edge of the table. "JJ," he said quietly. "JJ, look at me."

She didn't.

"Please?"

She still refused to meet his gaze.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, Jayje. I genuinely am."

She folded her arms and kicked louder, obviously trying to drown out his words.

After a beat, he continued: "It was a mistake and I never should have done it."

JJ still rejected his apologies and shuffled further away. "Look, JJ, I'm trying here alright?"

A few seconds of silence followed, and he sighed again. "Help me out here."

More silence. "Don't be difficult. Please can you-"

"Please what?" she shot back suddenly, leaning up onto her knees, her arms crossed.

"Please just-"

"Please just forgive you? Please forget that you hit me? Please pretend my_ boss _didn't treat me like a little kidand _spank me _in front of my co-workers?"

"Don't be like that," Hotch objected despite himself. "It was a spanking, not a beating."

JJ's expression went from angry to furious and explosive in an instant. "I'm Not. Your. Kid!" She pushed him away from her with one hand, the other gesturing wildly. "And even if I was, just because it's legal doesn't mean you should do it! In frontof my friends and the people I _work _with."

Hotch placed a hand on her arm, only to have her tear away from his grip with a sudden aggression that shocked him. "I realize that, I really do. I'm very sorry. Please-"

"Please what?" JJ's voice was high-pitched and loud, her eyes glassy. "Please _nothing! _You shouldn't have fucking hit me and-"

"Don't swear." The response was automatic.

"What?" She was momentarily thrown, but then her eyes flashed. "Oh yeah, that was one of the things you spanked me for, wasn't it? Really made you angry didn't it? Why's that- does it bother you that so many people think you're a fucking asshole?"

"JJ…" Okay, _now _he was using his warning tone.

She gave a derisive laugh. "The truth hurts, huh Hotch? Is that why you got so angry when I called you a loser shithead? Because you are. I wish I'd never met you! I don't know how I worked with you for so many years, you asshole. You loser shithead."

Hotch didn't know what to say as she continued her outburst.

"Are you gonna spank me now? Or do I have to do something worse?" Suddenly, she lunged at him- or, more specifically, at his throat- and only a very quick reflex stopped her fists from punching his windpipe. Instead, she started pounding him, punching his chest over and over again and kicking his thighs with her feet, as hard as she could.

"I hit you. I punched you. My hands are small, I can't hurt you, but you hurt me. You hurt me Hotch! You made me want to cry, and then I did. You spanked me like a baby in front of Emily and Morgan and then I cried in front of Reid! And everybody knows and I hate you!"

"I know, it's okay," Hotch soothed. His arms worked their way around to her back and gently started to stroke as she continued punching his chest, worked up with rage and betrayal.

He had wrapped her in a hug but she didn't even register his voice, tears rushing down her cheeks. "I hate you! You're supposed to be my friend and then when you're bigger than me you hurt me! I hate you so much and I'm never, ever in a million years going to un-hate you because you're a fucking bastard! I _hate_ you!"

JJ continued punching him, again and again and again and again. "I hate you! I hate you! I wish you never existed! You're a fucking asshole moron loser and I wish I never met you!"

"It's okay, JJ, I know," he said, rubbing her thin back and rocking her back and forth like he used to with Jack when he was that age, desperately trying to calm her down. She kept on punching him furiously, her fists clenched and white and hard, using her knuckles to make contact in the most painful way possible, hostility radiating from her.

But then, slowly, her hits started to get weaker and weaker as she tired herself out. She punched him a few more times, unwilling to stop. She kept making a show of trying to get out of his grip but eventually after a couple of feeble attempts, her arms dropped down to her sides, covered in goose-bumps. Hotch ran his hands up and down them. "I am an asshole, and a bastard. I'm truly sorry, but you don't have to forgive me."

"You _hit_ me!" she said, pulling back slightly with hurt coloring her tone. "You hit me and I hate you!" Her hair was disheveled and her face was wet, but her eyes were clear as day and filled with betrayal.

"I know, honey, I'm sorry." His thumbs swiped at JJ's cheeks, absorbing the tears, and he was ridiculously relieved when she didn't push him away.

Her arms reached up suddenly to wrap around his neck, still whispering "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" over and over again.

Hotch gripped her tightly and just kept rocking her back and forth, carrying her for a second and then turning around so that he could sit on the table.

"I don't like you anymore," she said softly, her cheek still pressed against his neck, fingers playing with the top button of his jacket. "I'm not your kid and you can't just do that. And I'm smaller than you now but I trusted you and then you hit me." She was silent for a few seconds. Then: "I'm not your kid," she repeated. "You're not allowed to spank other people's kids. It's called hitting then."

Hotch kissed the top of her head and said nothing, just kept massaging her arms and her shoulders and her neck.

"You hit me and then you left. And then I was upset and hurting and I wanted a hug but Morgan yelled at me instead."

"It's okay, Jayje, you're okay…"

"And he told me he woulda given me worse. Worse than that!" Her tone was incredulous. "But you're all so big now and you have big hands and I'm so small. And I'm not his kid either. And those spanks were hard."

Hotch still stayed silent, letting her speak. She had worked herself up into a frenzy and was now speaking in a dazed voice, her body coming down from the adrenaline high.

"What if I make you mad again?" she asked, almost desperately. "Or Morgan? Or- or Rossi, or Reid, or Garcia?" Her fingers curled into his collar, her body stiff on his lap. "Or what if Em'ly makes Morgan mad?"

"No, no, we're not going to," Hotch told her immediately. "No-one's going to lay a finger on either one of you. I'm sorry, okay? I lost my temper and I shouldn't have." He understood the extent of her outburst now. "I know you're much smaller than the rest of us and neither of you are used to it. And I know that having an adult you trusted, especially an adult who like you said is not your parent, spank you was unexpected."

"And scary," she murmured.

His throat constricted. "And scary."

"And rude."

"And rude."

"And annoying."

"I'm sure it was that, too." He chuckled, sending vibrations down her body as well.

She dropped his shirt buttons and wrapped her arms tight around him. "And then you just left."

"Right, I just left," Hotch said. "I should have comforted you and apologized right there, and let you apologize as well, and explained my actions to you, but I didn't and I'm sorry for that."

She nodded silently.

Hotch kissed her head again. "I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean to freak you out." He swallowed. "And no-one, not me or Morgan or Reid or Rossi or Garcia, is going to lay a hand on either you or Emily. Even if you burn our houses down. On purpose. Right?"

"Mmm." JJ nodded again.

They sat there for a few seconds without speaking, Hotch just holding her and hoping she would relax. She wasn't frantic and hysterical, but her grip was tight and the muscles he could feel under his palms were stiff and tense.

After a short while, he stood up and slipped his phone out of his pocket. "Can you smile for me so Garcia lets us out?"

She shook her head no.

"Okay, just look up then."

Reluctantly, JJ tilted her head up to look at the phone camera. Hotch snapped a quick picture and texted it to Garcia, along with the message "LET US OUT NOW."

He figured it would be enough for Garcia to let them out, and sure enough, less than a minute later, they heard the distinctive _click! _from the keyhole.

It wasn't Garcia. It was Emily and Morgan.

And they were absolutely covered in... God, what _weren't _they covered in? It seemed like every single food that the restaurant sold had somehow found its way into their hair and their clothes.

"What...?" Hotch trailed off.

"Oh, this?" Emily looked dismissive, then sheepish. "Oh yeah, um, we got a friendly suggestion from the manager to eat elsewhere."

"A friendly suggestion?"

"Well, a firm hint," Morgan amended.

"A firm hint?" Hotch echoed.

"Okay fine, we were kicked out."

"_Why?_"

Morgan shrugged. "Long story... See, it started like this."

**XXX**

**I felt guilty for leaving this story unfinished after a very strong message, so I came back to it. I'll write one more chapter of what happened in the restaurant then a couple (2 max) of them aging back up. That's it then, it's finally done. Thank you for all your supportive messages and encouragement! by the way, with this chapter it's officially over a hundred thousand words xD**


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